Spinoff: Marriage, when do you know it is over?

[Fortune Cookie]

Not really much to report... I still don't have my paperwork. I was supposed to get it Friday, but it wasn't ready.

He threw a fit w/me Saturday morning... It was the same argument we have had often. I needed to go grocery shopping and he didn't want me to go, which was almost to be expected. Although I had been telling him all week that I needed to do this, it was still a brouhaha when Saturday actually arrived. I happen to like going out on Saturday morning and getting the shopping done. It gives me a chance to get out of the house and clear my head.

I walked on eggshells the rest of the weekend and stayed out of trouble. I have to find out today if the papers are drawn up. I guess in my own mind, I am done. Everything he does now just makes the decision easier.

I have been following you for quite some time now. First, I would like to say congratulations on realizing you are in an abusive relationship and taking the proper steps to get out of it.

But I must ask, why would you "walk on egg shells" and "stay out trouble"?

He threw a fit at you? I would have promptly put the groceries away, waved good-bye, and headed out to the movies or the park for a walk without explanation. Then I would have gone out for dinner with a friend. I would have stayed out for a long, long time.

Don't walk on eggshells.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Update:

I am reluctant to say anything, I am afraid of jinxing it all. Some people may wonder what is going on.

Things have improved around here. It seems as if the therapy/medications are working. He has been trying to do more for himself, actually taking some initiative and doing some stuff for himself. Others have also mentioned that he really seems to be trying now. He has also been a lot nicer to me. *knock on wood* There have been no fits, and no yelling at me. He is set to "graduate" from therapy next week. Honestly, it seems as if that stuff actually worked. Physically... he has been getting good reports from his doctor, they are very optimistic he will be up and around again eventually.

My lawyer dragged his feet on getting the divorce papers drawn up (took like a week longer than he said it would). During that timeframe he started getting better. I have the papers hidden in my car... hoping that they need not see daylight. He talks a lot more like his former self, he acts a lot more like he used to. He always throws out "I love you" before I leave the house. He is even going to church now. I really believe that he is better. If he will stay the course, I will stay with him.

I worry that this will all collapse on me. If it does, at least I have my "ducks in a row". I am hoping for the best.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am so glad things are better!

 

[lauradis]

Update:

I am reluctant to say anything, I am afraid of jinxing it all. Some people may wonder what is going on.

Things have improved around here. It seems as if the therapy/medications are working. He has been trying to do more for himself, actually taking some initiative and doing some stuff for himself. Others have also mentioned that he really seems to be trying now. He has also been a lot nicer to me. *knock on wood* There have been no fits, and no yelling at me. He is set to "graduate" from therapy next week. Honestly, it seems as if that stuff actually worked. Physically... he has been getting good reports from his doctor, they are very optimistic he will be up and around again eventually.

My lawyer dragged his feet on getting the divorce papers drawn up (took like a week longer than he said it would). During that timeframe he started getting better. I have the papers hidden in my car... hoping that they need not see daylight. He talks a lot more like his former self, he acts a lot more like he used to. He always throws out "I love you" before I leave the house. He is even going to church now. I really believe that he is better. If he will stay the course, I will stay with him.

I worry that this will all collapse on me. If it does, at least I have my "ducks in a row". I am hoping for the best.

Oh Honey that's great news

I hope he stays the course.

I hope this has opened your eyes to the things you need to fix in yourself.

 

[ronandannette]

Oh Honey that's great news

I hope he stays the course.

I hope this has opened your eyes to the things you need to fix in yourself.

Now is the perfect time to open up a serious dialogue about where your relationship is at - preferably with a counsellor so that your own enabling behaviours can be addressed. Simply hoping that some magical switch has been flipped in your DH is not going to salvage your marriage. His learned patterns of beastly behaviour are going to be hard to break especially if they're not being directly confronted. I think we all expect your next post to be about him backsliding and you "walking on egg-shells" rather than responding proactively with healthier boundaries. If YOU are not going to instigate and demand any changes in the dynamic of your relationship I think assuming he's just going to get better is a waste of time. Ambush him with the divorce papers today and get it over with. (And yes, it will be an ambush if you've declined to ever tell him that you're ready to end it, and from everything you've posted I've never seen you mention actually discussing it.)