I am posting this under a different user name because I don't feel comfortable any other way. I have been on the Dis for quite awhile though and, until I can get a good therapist, I need to vent freely somewhere. Please, no flames. Keep in mind, it's always easier to see the obvious solutions when you aren't part of the problem. I'm part of the problem.
My husband and I have been married for over 10 years now, and we are working on our 8th move. We were hoping this would be the last one, but we can't afford the house DH wants. Several years ago, we built a house that turned out to be bigger than we planned, both in size and budget. Simply put, we couldn't afford the house. DH saw an opportunity for advancement with the company he worked for (mortgage lender for high risk borrowers) and decided this was our way out. We had already put the house up for sale prior to this "opportunity". Many family members begged him not to take the job since the housing crisis was at its beginning and they didn't think this job opportunity would be stable. DH wanted no part of that kind of conversation. Relocating put me at a huge disadvantage since I had to transfer schools (I was majoring in education at the time). I think he really wanted to transfer because he was embarrassed to say we couldn't afford the house we built.
Anyway, he took the job and we moved. I had a difficult time taking the classes I needed because of scheduling conflicts. We had no one willing to babysit the kids because both of them have special needs. I ended up having to change majors to a general studies major in order to graduate. In order to teach, I'll now have to go back to get an alternative certification, which I have applied for.
Less than 12 months after we relocated, the company closed up shop and DH was laid off. He was able to land another job at a retail bank in management, where he still works today. It was a huge paycut though. He has been there for a couple of years now and he transferred back to our hometown. The kids and I finished out the school year and are with him at his parents house (in a guest house, but more to come on this later). We are trying to sell our home but haven't had any lookers yet, much less any offers.
All of this frustrates me because I have literally followed DH around the country and back so he could pursue his "dreams". He is a good provider but he is an even better spender. Anytime we get a good chunk of money, he "needs" something for his car stereo, or he "needs" something for the house, or he says he "deserves" this new truck or those new golf clubs....you get the picture. When/if I say "no, we can't afford ____", he throws a fit any 2 year old would be envious of. The last time this happened, he told me I never support him and that I'm never "there for him". I honestly thought he was going to leave me if I didn't give in. In the last several years (well, ever since the house we built), I have given up on trying to manage our money or save any money. It hasn't done any good and my efforts are met with resistance, anger, and resentment anyway. Well, now we are penniless.
Since I graduated last month, and I can't get a teaching job yet, I decided to take any job I could land. I am working at a large retail department store in sales. I am way overqualified for it, and the pay sucks. At this point, we need any help we can get. I am still applying for better jobs in the meantime, as well as applying for grad school. DH has stopped short of openly mocking the job and gone so far as to say he doesn't think it is worth the trouble I'm going through for it.
Now on to the living arrangements. DH's younger brother lives on the same property as their parents. Several years ago, while DH and I lived 1000 miles away, we came in for a visit. I found some questionable material on the home computer. Being young and naive, I told myself that it was probably there accidentally since MIL was not very computer literate. Fast-forward a few years and I had to use BIL's computer (different pc) and I once again found the same type of material. I knew it was his, but I also knew that the in-laws would not believe me, or would defend him because he "doesn't know any better". Keep in mind, he is only a few years younger than me. Just a year later, my sister ran across BIL's pic on the sex offender registry for trying to rape a young child. In-laws lied about it completely and said it was a statutory rape charge. This happened years ago, prior to mandatory registration, and DH was overseas when it happened. We weren't dating yet. DH didn't know about this arrest. I drove to the district it occurred in and requested copies of the court transcripts. Btw, I love public records. BIL not only tried to rape a young child, she was a relative and under 3 years old. DH and I were sick. His parents hid this from us, even allowing us to leave our child in their care while that sick s.o.b. lived in the same home.
Recently, BIL got married. His now ex-wife found child porn on their home computer and started her own investigating. She found out about his prior arrest and left him. She told me the whole time she was with him, the rest of the family (excluding DH) told her I was a "witch" and that I didn't bring the kids over because I think I'm better than them. This just happened last year. In a nutshell, my bil is a pedophile, not that I didn't already know that. I am scared to death staying here, but I never leave my children unattended while we're here. I stay with them constantly, but on the inside, I don't even want to be around because they have lied to so many people about this. BIL doesn't have to register anymore due to the way the laws were written at the time of his arrest.
My sister says I should leave DH because he has mismanaged our money and put me in a situation where I have to choose having a roof over my head or the safety of my children. I'm scared that if bil gets caught with child porn on his pc again, the kids will be put into foster care since we are staying on the same property (although in a separate house). He was investigated by the feds last year and they let him go on the condition that he go into counseling. My guess is they didn't have enough on him. It didn't help their case that my in-laws trashed the computer and took it to a dump in another county. Found that out later, but couldn't prove it. I'm also angry that we are in this situation at all with our finances. DH never had debit card access to our "joint" account, which is the household account until he worked at the bank. He ordered a debit card for it, then lied and said he did it on accident. He never quit using it though. I could have canceled the card, but he had authority to order a new one right away. What do I do, threaten to leave? I hate to think of doing something so drastic when I don't think he means to be so irresponsible. He is a good dad and a good husband. He tries so hard to fix these things when they happen, and usually he does. These days, there is less money to fix things with though. Today was one of those days. I found out he took almost $300 to pay a speeding ticket. We needed that money desperately.
God bless you if you actually read this. Like I said, I mostly needed to vent. I get my first paycheck at my new job this week (I think, I hope) and I'm going to look for an affordable therapist, maybe one that charges based on income? I also think I need to go back on anti-depressants to help me stay more focused and grounded while I try to sort through this.
My husband and I have been married for over 10 years now, and we are working on our 8th move. We were hoping this would be the last one, but we can't afford the house DH wants. Several years ago, we built a house that turned out to be bigger than we planned, both in size and budget. Simply put, we couldn't afford the house. DH saw an opportunity for advancement with the company he worked for (mortgage lender for high risk borrowers) and decided this was our way out. We had already put the house up for sale prior to this "opportunity". Many family members begged him not to take the job since the housing crisis was at its beginning and they didn't think this job opportunity would be stable. DH wanted no part of that kind of conversation. Relocating put me at a huge disadvantage since I had to transfer schools (I was majoring in education at the time). I think he really wanted to transfer because he was embarrassed to say we couldn't afford the house we built.
Anyway, he took the job and we moved. I had a difficult time taking the classes I needed because of scheduling conflicts. We had no one willing to babysit the kids because both of them have special needs. I ended up having to change majors to a general studies major in order to graduate. In order to teach, I'll now have to go back to get an alternative certification, which I have applied for.
Less than 12 months after we relocated, the company closed up shop and DH was laid off. He was able to land another job at a retail bank in management, where he still works today. It was a huge paycut though. He has been there for a couple of years now and he transferred back to our hometown. The kids and I finished out the school year and are with him at his parents house (in a guest house, but more to come on this later). We are trying to sell our home but haven't had any lookers yet, much less any offers.
All of this frustrates me because I have literally followed DH around the country and back so he could pursue his "dreams". He is a good provider but he is an even better spender. Anytime we get a good chunk of money, he "needs" something for his car stereo, or he "needs" something for the house, or he says he "deserves" this new truck or those new golf clubs....you get the picture. When/if I say "no, we can't afford ____", he throws a fit any 2 year old would be envious of. The last time this happened, he told me I never support him and that I'm never "there for him". I honestly thought he was going to leave me if I didn't give in. In the last several years (well, ever since the house we built), I have given up on trying to manage our money or save any money. It hasn't done any good and my efforts are met with resistance, anger, and resentment anyway. Well, now we are penniless.
Since I graduated last month, and I can't get a teaching job yet, I decided to take any job I could land. I am working at a large retail department store in sales. I am way overqualified for it, and the pay sucks. At this point, we need any help we can get. I am still applying for better jobs in the meantime, as well as applying for grad school. DH has stopped short of openly mocking the job and gone so far as to say he doesn't think it is worth the trouble I'm going through for it.
Now on to the living arrangements. DH's younger brother lives on the same property as their parents. Several years ago, while DH and I lived 1000 miles away, we came in for a visit. I found some questionable material on the home computer. Being young and naive, I told myself that it was probably there accidentally since MIL was not very computer literate. Fast-forward a few years and I had to use BIL's computer (different pc) and I once again found the same type of material. I knew it was his, but I also knew that the in-laws would not believe me, or would defend him because he "doesn't know any better". Keep in mind, he is only a few years younger than me. Just a year later, my sister ran across BIL's pic on the sex offender registry for trying to rape a young child. In-laws lied about it completely and said it was a statutory rape charge. This happened years ago, prior to mandatory registration, and DH was overseas when it happened. We weren't dating yet. DH didn't know about this arrest. I drove to the district it occurred in and requested copies of the court transcripts. Btw, I love public records. BIL not only tried to rape a young child, she was a relative and under 3 years old. DH and I were sick. His parents hid this from us, even allowing us to leave our child in their care while that sick s.o.b. lived in the same home.
Recently, BIL got married. His now ex-wife found child porn on their home computer and started her own investigating. She found out about his prior arrest and left him. She told me the whole time she was with him, the rest of the family (excluding DH) told her I was a "witch" and that I didn't bring the kids over because I think I'm better than them. This just happened last year. In a nutshell, my bil is a pedophile, not that I didn't already know that. I am scared to death staying here, but I never leave my children unattended while we're here. I stay with them constantly, but on the inside, I don't even want to be around because they have lied to so many people about this. BIL doesn't have to register anymore due to the way the laws were written at the time of his arrest.
My sister says I should leave DH because he has mismanaged our money and put me in a situation where I have to choose having a roof over my head or the safety of my children. I'm scared that if bil gets caught with child porn on his pc again, the kids will be put into foster care since we are staying on the same property (although in a separate house). He was investigated by the feds last year and they let him go on the condition that he go into counseling. My guess is they didn't have enough on him. It didn't help their case that my in-laws trashed the computer and took it to a dump in another county. Found that out later, but couldn't prove it. I'm also angry that we are in this situation at all with our finances. DH never had debit card access to our "joint" account, which is the household account until he worked at the bank. He ordered a debit card for it, then lied and said he did it on accident. He never quit using it though. I could have canceled the card, but he had authority to order a new one right away. What do I do, threaten to leave? I hate to think of doing something so drastic when I don't think he means to be so irresponsible. He is a good dad and a good husband. He tries so hard to fix these things when they happen, and usually he does. These days, there is less money to fix things with though. Today was one of those days. I found out he took almost $300 to pay a speeding ticket. We needed that money desperately.
God bless you if you actually read this. Like I said, I mostly needed to vent. I get my first paycheck at my new job this week (I think, I hope) and I'm going to look for an affordable therapist, maybe one that charges based on income? I also think I need to go back on anti-depressants to help me stay more focused and grounded while I try to sort through this.
Sorry you all are going through this. I'm really sorry about your living conditions with you BIL. That is way more than scary to me.
