Spinning down, but not quite rock bottom

[GothTink]

Please get your children out of there.

P.S. My DH says he'll gladly help you move.

 

[rie'smom]

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this mess. Leave, it's that simple.
You have an adult child not a husband. He is working against you instead of working with you. There has to have been some kind of crazy dynaimc in his family that led to BIL's pedophilia and your husband's spending and irresponsibility problems. I'm hoping that both he and his brother were not molested as kids but I'm leaning in that direction. What really worries me is your kids being exposed to so much insanity. Even if no one has told them your BIL is a pervert, they know something is weird. If you stay with your husband, they'll think that it's normal to live in a house with the same dysfunctions when they're older.
You are a caring parent and know what you have to do. Thank God, the kids have you.

 

[MoniqueU]

I'm speechless and sending hugs.

I thought I had problems and was here having myself a pity party tonight and then I read this. Sorry you all are going through this. I'm really sorry about your living conditions with you BIL. That is way more than scary to me.

I can relate 100 percent to this thought. I thought i had problems too, i have some huge financial issues but this is nothing compared to what you are going through.

I am speachless as well. i would bet you would have to go back on medication for sure, i would say i would have to be sedated to deal with what you are going through but i would be in fear for my children if I was.

I am going to say a huge prayer which I don't normally do for some strength and clarity for you.

 

[xanphylus]

Do what you would want done if you were the 3 year old who was already "used" by your bil. You would want your mother to take you away from the danger before anything happened. That's what mommy's do- protect their kids from the bad things in life. You know he has done horrible acts in the past- and he may try to again. Don't let your kids be the ones just sitting around waiting for something to happen.

Get your kids out of the situation where they could be that little kid having to deal with these issues for the rest of their lives. You have the chance to protect their futures- you can't change the past.

And I agree with lots of the the previous posters- talk to a lawyer. You never know, maybe one will agree to take on your case for free if you show them all the facts- or even just help you find someone who will. Definitely talk to your husband as well. Don't make it seem like you are even thinking about divorce - that could put him on edge. Just ask him about how he really feels about your current living situation and the safety of his children. Then, if he doesn't see a problem- then, think about divorce.

I hope you come out on top of this! I will pray for you and your kids and even your hubby too!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I'd leave copies of the police report all around the neighborhood and town.

 

[spiraling]

Posting what I can for now. My internet connection is really bad, so I'm using the phone.

I began testing the waters with DH about living situation today. He was quiet, which is good. This means he is taking me seriously. If he was going to fight me, I would have known it immediately. Not sure what will come of this since we can't afford anything until we sell our current home (in another city).

Mom is helping me find an affordable therapist tomorrow because I am having some increased anxiety. This is also good because I have been almost numb till now. Anxiety I can act on.

Finally, I spoke with my older child tonight about bil in vague terms. She is having increased symptoms of her sensory disorder due to my stress. She is extremely intelligent and knows something is up. I told her I would give her more details in time, but for now, "uncle isn't safe and has hurt children before". She has been more calm tonight thankfully.

I will update more tomorrow as well as respond to some posts directly. It is so hard typing on this phone. Thanks for everyone's support.

 

[lisaviolet]

Just to give a fair representation of how the parents have handled bil's legal problems in the past, let me share their "defense".

When he was arrested for the assault and went to court, they managed to keep him from doing prison time because he was "mentally deficient" with an I.Q. barely above mental retardation. They also managed to get a psychologist who was of the opinion that bil didn't fully "understand and comprehend" that what he did was wrong. To further aggravate matters, an extended family member is a counselor (who I will not be seeing, btw) and testified on bil's behalf. The little girls father was also persuaded to testify on behalf of bil, which is why the divorce happened. Little girl's father said, "God forgives him and so do I." This is an entire family that literally has circled the wagons around bil. This family was successful in seeing that bil didn't do prison time for attempting to rape a toddler! And how they managed to keep the FBI from pushing the case forward, I'll never know. I realize bil is "different" and I realize he has mental deficiencies. However, he holds a full-time job, makes major purchases on his own (vehicles and such), is getting ready to be married a second time, etc. He is not so limited that he doesn't understand what is right and wrong.

First to you. I am so incredibly sorry.

I'm going to be frank with you here. Do whatever you can to protect your children. (I stopped reading after the post I pasted - it just JUMPED out at me -so forgive me for missing information and I can see what a strong woman you are anyway)

I'm 43 years old. I have what I would consider a "good life" and am thankful for it. HOWEVER, I am still unraveling the damage of a pedophile uncle who lived and vacationed with us, my parents' choices (who I love), the effect on sibiling (who I love) interaction (he went down the line) and my sexuality which is and should be a precious part of life.

I am not writing you for shock value. I chose not to PM because frankly I have no shame at this point in my healing - nor should I.

BUT I AM STILL UNRAVELING AND DEALING. Not because I won't get off it because it won't get off me in some ways. Life goes on but people really don't understand that you can't just think away the outcomes or effects. You try to just to live and move on and forget but somehow it infiltrates in ways you don't even understand yourself. One thinks certain reactions to the opposite sex or intimacy or even "living" is merely normal.

Your children are precious. Do not roll the dice. Get them out of there.

I am sorry for the position you are in. Truly.

(And to any parent that ever finds themselves in the sitation where something has happened - trust your instincts if you suspect -but most importantly YOUR REACTION can greatly improve the outcome for a child. Tell them I'm so sorry that happened to you and that I wasn't there for you. XXXX is very ill and has problems. This is not about you at all. And just get them early help. )

 

[LunaLovegood]

I'm sorry...did I miss something? Is there a good reason why the authorities were not notified that this man has child porn on his computer? Why would you have your children anywhere near this kind of a situation when you know this? Surely your husband wouldn't want to see anything happen to his kids, right?

Really, this is a situation where you have to put your kids first, marriage second. I can't believe you actually have to ask if you should get your kids out of there.

 

[richmond282]

Wow! I just can't even imagine being in a situation like that, OP. I agree with a lot of the advice that's already been given. 1) Talk to hubby about BIL. INSIST on moving off the property. INSIST on managing the money. DH has proven that he can't handle it, so don't let him. 2) Are you still paying on the house that hasn't sold yet? Let the bank forclose on it. You have to have money to live off of. Worry about your credit rating later. 3) Turn in BIL!!!! Contact police. Tell his new girlfriend. If you don't turn him in, you're guilty of covering for him too. 4) If DH won't agree to leave or turn the money reins over to you, get out. It's scary, but the danger to your children is even more scary.

 

[Poppinsme]

I am not afraid to speak.
I was raped at 13 by a pedophile.

1. No cure exists for pedophiles. None. Once they start they never stop. Jail is the only CURE!!!

2. I would be very, very careful about telling your DH anything. He sounds like HIS family comes first, not yours.

3. You don't need a therapist. You need a lawyer to discuss your legal rights.

4. Please, please tell the FBI what you have told us. They will know what to do and can advise you.

5. Get out. Your children are in a hostile and dangerous environment. There safety should be your number one priority, PERIOD!!!

6. Hopefully you have family and friends that can and will help you financially. Utilize this.

7. This is going to be very, very hard. But you already know what you MUST do and you posted I think on a message board for conformation.

Please protect your children. Please.

Here is a web site that can help you.

http://www.perverted-justice.com/

 

[MoniqueU]

Ok, I say screw the house you have to sell, worry about a counselor later, get to your moms house with or without DH and call the authorities and explain the sitution and what is on the computers and deal with the fallout later. Even if I had to lose everything as long as I had my kids and they were safe that is the most important part. Immediate action is required, not waiting on a lawyer or counselor or Dh to respond to fix things. Get the hell out of there.

 

[MoniqueU]

I am not sure I read this thread right? Did you and your DH know that bil was a pedophile and still move back there onto the gp's property? If so why was that even an option in the first place? Who does that?

 

[N&B'smom]

I agree completely that you should get to YOUR parent's house. I'm assuming they know the history and even if they don't have room and you need to sleep on the floor it's better than living anywhere near a pedophile. GET OUT ASAP!! (if your husband won't go then you need to take the kids and go yourself!)

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I am not sure I read this thread right? Did you and your DH know that bil was a pedophile and still move back there onto the gp's property? If so why was that even an option in the first place? Who does that?

It sounds like they did because of their difficult circumstances but that the OP felt it would be ok since they are in a separate house on the property and she's with them all the time. I agree, not good. But these are the circumstances they're dealing with now.

 

[spiraling]

I need to answer one thing that keeps coming up about bil.

The FBI was notified about the things on his computer about 2 years ago. An investigation was done, in-laws destroyed some evidence before the FBI even had a chance to seize it, and not much came out of the whole thing except bil was put in mental ward for a few weeks. He agreed to counseling (I know there is no hope of reform), but only if his current wife went. She refused based on things that were going on in counseling (long story, but the "counselor" was the family member that testified on bil's behalf in his trial earlier). Once that happened, she left. She was the only one who had first-hand knowledge of what was on that computer at that time. Not sure, but I think since FBI only had an anonymous report to begin with, they said they weren't able to take the computer based on that alone. That is why they tried to get bil's wife to cooperate. She is the one who actually found the stuff.

I do not go anywhere near bil now and neither do the kids or DH. He never comes to in-laws house, especially when I'm there. The inlaws have instructed him not to have anything to do with unless necessary. They are afraid of what I'll say or do. That much I do know.

As for calling the FBI now, I have nothing new to report since the last investigation. I don't have access to bil's computer anymore. All I could do is say that he has done this in the past and I'm sure he's still doing it. How would I proceed?

 

[shortbun]

I agree that you should see an attorney. Get the documentation about the BIL first and also set up an account in another bank under just your name and have your paycheck auto deposited into it. You can alway remove some of it and deposit into your account so your husband doesn't miss it until you make your move. Continue to try to find a teaching job. Find any and all financials regarding your husband. He has put you and your children at risk with his childish ways. I understand you took a vow but I think your responsibility to your children is much higher on the ladder of priorities than supporting your husband's family. Good luck. It seems that things are getting clearer to you. You are in a good place because you have old friends and your family around. Take a little more time, remain diligent and plan your departure.

 

[shortbun]

You say DH is a good dad and husband, so give him a chance to prove it. Take him to a nice neutral place (restaurant with just the two of you comes to mind), and tell him what you stated here. Explain that the future has changes involved, and if he want's to be part of it:

1. He must agree to move immediately, even to an apartment, but it must be now.
2. He has to give up control of the household money. He will be allotted a certain amount of "fun money" once the budget is under control.
3. He must attend counseling sessions with you.

If he is truly a good guy as you mentioned, he will agree in the interest of his family and your relationship. Sometimes we men need to get to the brink to realize how much we love our wives, and how much we take them for granted.

If he is just in it for convenience, you'll find out that you need to go the attorney route.

The BIL is sick and will not get the help he needs, so don't waste your time trying to fix that. Just get your kids out and away from him, NOW!

Prayers sent for you to have strength and hopefully a good outcome to this trying situation.

I would NOT give him any warning. He should know you and know that you are going to protect your children. If he has warning, his parents might help him do something with your kids and shut you out. Get your plan, ducks in a row and move. Then offer to meet with him in a neutral place and lay down the law...only after you have secured a safe place for you and your children and taken care of finances so he is responsible for any bills he incurs from that point on except IRS.

 

[Liberty Belle]

First to you. I am so incredibly sorry.

I'm going to be frank with you here. Do whatever you can to protect your children. (I stopped reading after the post I pasted - it just JUMPED out at me -so forgive me for missing information and I can see what a strong woman you are anyway)

I'm 43 years old. I have what I would consider a "good life" and am thankful for it. HOWEVER, I am still unraveling the damage of a pedophile uncle who lived and vacationed with us, my parents' choices (who I love), the effect on sibiling (who I love) interaction (he went down the line) and my sexuality which is and should be a precious part of life.

I am not writing you for shock value. I chose not to PM because frankly I have no shame at this point in my healing - nor should I.

BUT I AM STILL UNRAVELING AND DEALING. Not because I won't get off it because it won't get off me in some ways. Life goes on but people really don't understand that you can't just think away the outcomes or effects. You try to just to live and move on and forget but somehow it infiltrates in ways you don't even understand yourself. One thinks certain reactions to the opposite sex or intimacy or even "living" is merely normal.

Your children are precious. Do not roll the dice. Get them out of there.

I am sorry for the position you are in. Truly.

(And to any parent that ever finds themselves in the sitation where something has happened - trust your instincts if you suspect -but most importantly YOUR REACTION can greatly improve the outcome for a child. Tell them I'm so sorry that happened to you and that I wasn't there for you. XXXX is very ill and has problems. This is not about you at all. And just get them early help. )

 

[okeydokey]

Things are happening too slowly. If you are going to wait for your house to sell to move away from this family, that's too long. You need to be out of there today. Today.

 

[61292cna]

I am not afraid to speak.
I was raped at 13 by a pedophile.

1. No cure exists for pedophiles. None. Once they start they never stop. Jail is the only CURE!!!

http://www.perverted-justice.com/

THANK YOU for posting a TRUTH, that most people are unable or unwilling to face!!! to you & op for all you you are going thru & prayers for a better future.