Spinning down, but not quite rock bottom

[PrincessKsMom]

I jumped from page 1 to here. Sorry if anyone else has expressed this opinion, but HE IS NOT A GOOD FATHER AND HUSBAND. He doesn't provide for his family, puts his own needs first, and is selfish enough to put his children in a potentially harmful situation because he doesn't want to own up to his own shortcomings. Time to pack up the kids and get the heck away from him and his messed up family.

 

[arkansas mom]

1. Where are your kids while you're at work?
2. Why can't you and the kids live in your house while you're waiting for it to sell?
3. Consider sending your resume to private schools or charter schools who often have waivers for teacher licensure. This is teacher hiring season, and you should give it a try. Depending on where you live, you might have charter schools who would love to talk to you. I'm in the midst or hiring for my school, and I'm having a hard time finding just the right people. I'm not looking for a license so much as a good fit for our school environment. Definitely worth a try.

 

[Straycat]

Just wanted to wish you good luck with your decisions.

I noticed a lot of people have jumped on the 'Divorce the DH' bandwagon. I don't agree with that. You said he is a good dad, a good husband. Do you love him? If yes, then you just need to work out the financial issues. Maybe get some counseling together when you can arrange it financially. Having a husband, who can be selfish, and is bad with finances, is not a great reason to break up a family. YOU can fix the finance issues and a counselor can help with the other issues. Your kids are way better off with a good father and a good mother than a broken family. Have a heart to heart talk with him, take control over the money and move it out of the bank for which he works.

As soon as you can afford it, your family should move out into an apartment or anywhere else. Living next to the crazys must be terrible. Until then, you are not letting the kids anywhere near the BIL, just make sure DH is on board with that for when you are at work. Reporting him when you have no proof that anything is currently on his computer will backfire on you. If you want to clue his GF in, do it after you move away.

Clear your head, you and DH make a plan, and take control of your life. You can do it.

 

[spiraling]

1. Where are your kids while you're at work?
2. Why can't you and the kids live in your house while you're waiting for it to sell?
3. Consider sending your resume to private schools or charter schools who often have waivers for teacher licensure. This is teacher hiring season, and you should give it a try. Depending on where you live, you might have charter schools who would love to talk to you. I'm in the midst or hiring for my school, and I'm having a hard time finding just the right people. I'm not looking for a license so much as a good fit for our school environment. Definitely worth a try.

1. With my mother and my aunt.
2. Our house is quite a good distance away and too far to commute back and forth. I have no reliable sitters there, and I have to work right now with our financial situation.
3. I live in a school district that can afford to be very picky with hiring. Over 300 certified teachers applied for 60 positions this summer. I have spoken to several principals who know me personally and they will not hire me until I am either certified or have done one semester of student-teaching. Believe me, I'm not giving up on that avenue yet. I am trying.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

While you wait to decide what to do (not good btw!!!), you can and should call the authorities NOW to report your bil.

Are the kids with YOUR mom? Why can't you stay there temporarily.

 

[cabanafrau]

I've only read the OP's 1st post & a few on the last page. I work in the court system here & frequently deal with child custody, child pornography, child molestation and termination of parental rights cases.

I can tell you that you & your DH are at risk of having child protective services remove your children from your care and custody. What you have outlined about your husband's behavior does not bode well for him or you if your children are made temporary court wards. BIL's past history & the fact he is likely being monitored & investigated for child porn mean CPS could knock on your door any day. You need to consult an attorney & take the steps necessary to extricate your children and yourself from this dangerous & chaotic environment.

The attorney may indeed advise you to separate and make a report to CPS. It is highly likely your BIL, despite not being required to register, does have permanent conditions about contact with minors. Your husband may not know all of the particulars, nor do you, but the courts will not look favorably at a situation where it's more a matter of not wanting to know than being taken completely by surprise.

CPS involvement will likely involve establishing a safety plan for the children, and possibly for yourself. This means absolutely no contact w/ your BIL for sure, and would preclude unsupervised contact with the grandparents in all likelihood. The grandparents' rights lawsuit is likely all blow and no go. Very few states have those types of provisions on the books and the documented history w/ your BIL as a resident of their home will kill any possibilities there.

I hate to stomp on your feelings and beliefs, but if you really look at things, you know your husband is not a good father. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your situation doesn't leave room for any sugar coating. Your husband is selfish, irresponsible and shows little to no concern for the welfare of his children. If you want to accept that for yourself that's fine. Okaying it for your children is completely unacceptable. Somebody has to put your children's welfare first. Quit acting like a mouse & move like a mama lion to extricate your children from the inexcusable risks they are growing up with.

 

[bettymae1121]

I would NOT give him any warning. He should know you and know that you are going to protect your children. If he has warning, his parents might help him do something with your kids and shut you out. Get your plan, ducks in a row and move. Then offer to meet with him in a neutral place and lay down the law...only after you have secured a safe place for you and your children and taken care of finances so he is responsible for any bills he incurs from that point on except IRS.

I sort of agree with this.

I would give DH a chance (faced with facts in the clear light of day, he might move himself out of the shadow of denial), BUT...by giving him an ultimatum, you're tipping your hand. If you decide to give him the oprotunity to help you and the kids get out of this, you need to be prepared to act instantly if he turns you down. As in you leave after talking with him, grab the kids, and take off. BEFORE you do this you MUST talk to a lawyer, just taking off with the kids may cause more problems than it solves. You need to find out what you are and are not allowed to do, prepare to leave in a way that follows the law and preserves your ability to fight for custody in the future, and ONLY then talk to your DH and give him a choice. Because once you tell him "do what I say or I'm gone" he knows what's up and if he isn't willing to submit to your demands, he will run straight back to mommy, daddy, and the $$$ that will buy the best divorce lawyer in the state.

Also be prepared for him to say that he will do what you want, thinking to give you a false sense of security and get you drop your guard, and then double cross you. IF he agrees to your demands, as the old saying goes "Trust, but verify". Part of your demands on him should be that you have the right to check up on him and find out if he's holding up to his end of the bargin. Let him know the first time he baulks at you asking him about whatever, or the first time you catch him in a lie, will be the last time and your gone. Then follow through and go.

In short, your very next step is to find the biggest, meanest, pitbull lawyer you possibly can and find out what your steps are for leaving (throw it on a credit card if you don't have the cash, worry about the money later. This also has the benifit of blocking your DH from getting the best lawyer in town, once the lawyer speaks to you, he/she CAN'T take your husband as a client, even if you use another lawyer for the actual divorce). Then do all the prep work to take off in an instant if needed. ONLY when you have this escape plan in place do you speak to your DH and give him the ultimatum. You need to be willing and able to act upon that escape plan the moment you feel that your DH is going to choose his parents and brother over his wife and kids, and that moment may come at any time over the next few days, weeks, months, or even years. Your husband may be strong at first, but as his family wears him down, it's entirely possible that he caves at a laver date.

I am hoping he's just in denial about his family. Who would want to admit they have a pedophile for a brother and parents and other family that know it and protect him? But if when faced with sticking by his brother and parents and losing his wife and kids, he can't make the right choice, well...then you have your answer on what you need to do next.

 

[Poppinsme]

I've only read the OP's 1st post & a few on the last page. I work in the court system here & frequently deal with child custody, child pornography, child molestation and termination of parental rights cases.

I can tell you that you & your DH are at risk of having child protective services remove your children from your care and custody. What you have outlined about your husband's behavior does not bode well for him or you if your children are made temporary court wards. BIL's past history & the fact he is likely being monitored & investigated for child porn mean CPS could knock on your door any day. You need to consult an attorney & take the steps necessary to extricate your children and yourself from this dangerous & chaotic environment.

The attorney may indeed advise you to separate and make a report to CPS. It is highly likely your BIL, despite not being required to register, does have permanent conditions about contact with minors. Your husband may not know all of the particulars, nor do you, but the courts will not look favorably at a situation where it's more a matter of not wanting to know than being taken completely by surprise.

CPS involvement will likely involve establishing a safety plan for the children, and possibly for yourself. This means absolutely no contact w/ your BIL for sure, and would preclude unsupervised contact with the grandparents in all likelihood. The grandparents' rights lawsuit is likely all blow and no go. Very few states have those types of provisions on the books and the documented history w/ your BIL as a resident of their home will kill any possibilities there.

I hate to stomp on your feelings and beliefs, but if you really look at things, you know your husband is not a good father. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your situation doesn't leave room for any sugar coating. Your husband is selfish, irresponsible and shows little to no concern for the welfare of his children. If you want to accept that for yourself that's fine. Okaying it for your children is completely unacceptable. Somebody has to put your children's welfare first. Quit acting like a mouse & move like a mama lion to extricate your children from the inexcusable risks they are growing up with.

Excellent!!!! Agree 100%.

OP. Enough. You have 2 choices. What will you do for your children? Stop writing on a message board and decide.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I've only read the OP's 1st post & a few on the last page. I work in the court system here & frequently deal with child custody, child pornography, child molestation and termination of parental rights cases.

I can tell you that you & your DH are at risk of having child protective services remove your children from your care and custody. What you have outlined about your husband's behavior does not bode well for him or you if your children are made temporary court wards. BIL's past history & the fact he is likely being monitored & investigated for child porn mean CPS could knock on your door any day. You need to consult an attorney & take the steps necessary to extricate your children and yourself from this dangerous & chaotic environment.

The attorney may indeed advise you to separate and make a report to CPS. It is highly likely your BIL, despite not being required to register, does have permanent conditions about contact with minors. Your husband may not know all of the particulars, nor do you, but the courts will not look favorably at a situation where it's more a matter of not wanting to know than being taken completely by surprise.

CPS involvement will likely involve establishing a safety plan for the children, and possibly for yourself. This means absolutely no contact w/ your BIL for sure, and would preclude unsupervised contact with the grandparents in all likelihood. The grandparents' rights lawsuit is likely all blow and no go. Very few states have those types of provisions on the books and the documented history w/ your BIL as a resident of their home will kill any possibilities there.

I hate to stomp on your feelings and beliefs, but if you really look at things, you know your husband is not a good father. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your situation doesn't leave room for any sugar coating. Your husband is selfish, irresponsible and shows little to no concern for the welfare of his children. If you want to accept that for yourself that's fine. Okaying it for your children is completely unacceptable. Somebody has to put your children's welfare first. Quit acting like a mouse & move like a mama lion to extricate your children from the inexcusable risks they are growing up with.

Excellent!!!! Agree 100%.

OP. Enough. You have 2 choices. What will you do for your children? Stop writing on a message board and decide.

AMEN ! No one can really post anything better than these 2 posts !

 

[AristocatFan]

I need to answer one thing that keeps coming up about bil.

The FBI was notified about the things on his computer about 2 years ago. An investigation was done, in-laws destroyed some evidence before the FBI even had a chance to seize it, and not much came out of the whole thing except bil was put in mental ward for a few weeks. He agreed to counseling (I know there is no hope of reform), but only if his current wife went. She refused based on things that were going on in counseling (long story, but the "counselor" was the family member that testified on bil's behalf in his trial earlier). Once that happened, she left. She was the only one who had first-hand knowledge of what was on that computer at that time. Not sure, but I think since FBI only had an anonymous report to begin with, they said they weren't able to take the computer based on that alone. That is why they tried to get bil's wife to cooperate. She is the one who actually found the stuff.

I do not go anywhere near bil now and neither do the kids or DH. He never comes to in-laws house, especially when I'm there. The inlaws have instructed him not to have anything to do with unless necessary. They are afraid of what I'll say or do. That much I do know.

As for calling the FBI now, I have nothing new to report since the last investigation. I don't have access to bil's computer anymore. All I could do is say that he has done this in the past and I'm sure he's still doing it. How would I proceed?

I'm having trouble understanding this part. Sorry, if you've explained before. But how was a family member able to be his counselor? A counselor/therapist would have a direct conflict of interest in trying to counsel his or her own family members, just as a doctor would be unlikely to treat the illnesses of his or her own family.

 

[AristocatFan]

bump.........hoping OP is getting her kids out of there!

 

[bettymae1121]

any updates????

 

[Robinrs]

I've only read the OP's 1st post & a few on the last page. I work in the court system here & frequently deal with child custody, child pornography, child molestation and termination of parental rights cases.

I can tell you that you & your DH are at risk of having child protective services remove your children from your care and custody. What you have outlined about your husband's behavior does not bode well for him or you if your children are made temporary court wards. BIL's past history & the fact he is likely being monitored & investigated for child porn mean CPS could knock on your door any day. You need to consult an attorney & take the steps necessary to extricate your children and yourself from this dangerous & chaotic environment.

The attorney may indeed advise you to separate and make a report to CPS. It is highly likely your BIL, despite not being required to register, does have permanent conditions about contact with minors. Your husband may not know all of the particulars, nor do you, but the courts will not look favorably at a situation where it's more a matter of not wanting to know than being taken completely by surprise.

CPS involvement will likely involve establishing a safety plan for the children, and possibly for yourself. This means absolutely no contact w/ your BIL for sure, and would preclude unsupervised contact with the grandparents in all likelihood. The grandparents' rights lawsuit is likely all blow and no go. Very few states have those types of provisions on the books and the documented history w/ your BIL as a resident of their home will kill any possibilities there.

I hate to stomp on your feelings and beliefs, but if you really look at things, you know your husband is not a good father. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your situation doesn't leave room for any sugar coating. Your husband is selfish, irresponsible and shows little to no concern for the welfare of his children. If you want to accept that for yourself that's fine. Okaying it for your children is completely unacceptable. Somebody has to put your children's welfare first. Quit acting like a mouse & move like a mama lion to extricate your children from the inexcusable risks they are growing up with.

 

[Muushka]

Prayers and hugs to you OP. You have gotten some great advice on this thread. And I think you can see that no, you are not crazy. And you are a good mother.

I once had a family move in with me indefinitely because they (mom and 3 girls) did not live in a safe neighborhood. You would be surprised how people really do care, once they understand what is going on. Surround yourself with people who care about you. These boards are great for venting, but you need some real live people on your side.

 

[N&B'smom]

Any updates??????