Spinning down, but not quite rock bottom

[Lisa loves Pooh]

What your BIL is doing is against the law. I'd notify authorities. Too bad ther isn't a way for you to document it without breaking the law yourself. When you report it, I'd let them know the family has in the past destroyed evidence and hopefully they can serve a warrant without warning to confiscate it.

As for the rest...while I never suffered to the degree of the 3yo in your story...I had things happen to me and it affected my life. I had PSTD from it even. I never told my mom until I was an adult---so though she didn't protect me...she didn't know that I had been in danger.

Heed the advice you have received. You are in a situation that is a ticking time bomb of potential abuse. It is not a matter of "if", only "when".

A pedophile simply needs an opportunity. And even if your children have been "protected" thus far from that evil...it doesn't mean that your sick bil hasn't already imagined it or is planning it. It gives me shivers down my spine to even write that.

Your children are in danger. Your husband isn't the good father that you think he is if for even one second, he thinks your current arrangements are okay. Good daddy's don't keep company with pedophiles.


I am sorry that you are faced with this evil.

 

[Nik's Mom]

OMG! I feel so bad for you, spiraling. What a horrible situation to be in. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

I really think you need to get away from that house. Do what ever you can to get your children away from that environment. Lisa loves Pooh is right. If you dh thinks it's ok to live there, then maybe he isn't the good father that you think he is. He is clearing not making godd decisions for his family.

Hugs to you! I hope you can find the courage to remove yourself and your children from the situation. Stay strong!

 

[krcit]

Honestly given the situation, I would not leave without getting an attorney so you can file the custody papers? Not sure what it is called.

I would be out of my mind if he went in and did that and you lost your children to temp. custody.

I don't know much about divorce but I know that it is something that you should look into first before taking action. In essence you need to cover yourself in the legal sense to be on the safe side.

The situation of seperation does not sound like it will be met with mutual understanding.

I agree. you MUST see an attorney before you do anyhting. My friend and her DH were getting divorced and he would not leave so she did(without the kids) and it caused her so many problems. I know you wouldn't leave the kids but really, please get some legal advise so that everything is done the right way so thoser babies are protected.

 

[SnowWhite607]

If you leave and MIL brings up the "granparents rights" I would tell her fine when we are in court I will bring my reasons for not wanting my children here without me.... She seems to have worked so hard to cover everything up, most likely she would not want it brought up in court...just a thought

Yes, this. I thought grandparents rights were just if the parents were divorced. I dont think she has ANY right whatsoever to tell you where your kids need to go and what they need to do. If you dont want them to go out of town with her, that is YOUR decision, not hers. And yes, if you bring up to a judge how your BIL is a sex offender and had child porn on his computer and your MIL covered it up, there is no way in heck that a rational judge would say it is okay for her to take your kids out of town.

 

[ChrizJen]

Huge hugs to you. You're in a really tough spot. And I'm sure it's scary as all get-out to think of leaving and having to support yourself and your children. But I have to agree with others. Your kids and their safety come first. They can't make the choice. You have to. And if your DH is not on board, then leave him behind. He's proven that his family does not come first, but if he knows the risk your children are in by being there in that home and he chooses to ignore it, he's a poor excuse for a father.

As for MIL and your worries of grandparent rights, as long as your BIL is living in her home, I can't imagine there's a judge out there who would grant rights to her given his criminal background. But others are correct about getting an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney, at the very least get some legal advice from someone who can help you get all of your ducks in a row before going through with everything. I honestly think that given the circumstances, your case would be fairly cut and dry. But I'm not an attorney. In the meantime, I agree that an extended visit with your sister might be a good thing while you're sorting things out. Then at least your kids are in a safe place and out of immediate danger.

Good luck to you, and just know that things WILL get easier. They may get harder before that happens, but you will be glad in the end that you got your children out of this mess before it was too late.
More hugs for good measure...

 

[Nik's Mom]

I just read the part where your children are special needs. As a mom to 2 special needs kids myself, I beg you to get out now. Special needs kids are the most vulnerable to predators like your bil.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, try to talk to an attorney either right before you leave or when you get to wherever you are going (like to family or whatever). In this state (not sure about others) you cannot legally just keep him from your kids. If they are with other family members or at a sitter's then he can just pick them up, after all he has as many legal rights to the children as you do.

An attorney should be able to get you temporary custody and possibly stop him from being able to get them so easily.

Your dh may not even try to get the kids from you, but I would hate to take that chance especially considering where he would take them to.

 

[eliza61]

I'm a firm believer in women's intuition ESPECIALLY a mothers. Not to diss men but I've have just seen mom's sense when things are "off"

Op, first hugs to you.
Next, concentrate on your kids safety. I haven't read all the replies but what does your Dh say about this. Ok, so he has a hard time keeping money in his pocket but what are his takes on his kids safety?

Do what you have to do immediately to get those kids to safety and then deal with the other stuff.

You did mention that your Dh is a good guy. Make sure you're not painting him with the same brush as BIL. Lousy with money is waaay different than being a pedophile.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree.

I also think that, given the OP has little money and they have lots of money, it would behoove her to have her husband with her on this (at least at this time) rather than taking off alone with the kids, which likely would pit the whole clan against her and leave her at a critical disadvantage financially.

As I said before, she needs to be smart about this.

OP, you need to stop focusing on the grandparents rights thing right now. It's not a good use of your time and energy *at this time*.

You need to put your energies into the here and now of Step 1, which is getting your own place and determining if your marriage is salvageable.

Stay focused!

As much as I hate to say it, yes, that is certainly the path of least resistance at this point. Although maybe not?

I mean lawyering up and legally protecting yourself out of the gate may work to the OP's advantage?

It is really hard to give you advice as to what the right choice is here OP.

Do you think he would honor your request to move out with him?

 

[Abbie]

I don't think there is anything I can add that hasn't already been said except for maybe some money advice. Can you open a new account at a bank that your DH does NOT have access to? Close out the account at the bank he works at, cancel his debit card, and start over. Lay it out for him, all the mismanaged money, and flat out tell him you will be handling finances for the time being. You said you used to be a good money manager, insist you reclaim that job. And I would make this as a condition to you being willing to stay with him at this time. Start managing what little money you have and make a firm plan for the future that can remove you from the inlaws, then work towards that goal.

I'm sorry you have this going on in your life.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I mean lawyering up and legally protecting yourself out of the gate may work to the OP's advantage?

I just wonder about the realities of her being able to afford a good lawyer. A retainer alone can be thousands. Then the fight's much more. Unless her own family or friends can give/loan/supply the money to pay the lawyer, how will she be able to keep up the fight? And if she leaves her husband, taking the kids, how will she work and pay for an apt, along with keeping up the legal fight when his family can comfortably afford to fight for their rights.

Legal aid? Has anyone used them successfully in a situation like this? I don't know. I do think that women in situations like these are at an enormous disadvantage in trying to fight given circumstances like these. Women need to be smart from the get go about protecting themselves. Once situations like this hit, they may not be able to fight successfully. I've seen it happen around me too many times.

But regardless of the lawyer situation, I still think, if her husband has redeeming qualities about him, it behooves her and her children to work on their marriage first. Under the stipulation that they leave their current place of residence and make some changes financially (as well as do the Will, set some boundaries for In Laws, etc). This will at least buy the OP some time to get her ducks in a row. I don't know that up and leaving her husband will be the best/smartest/wisest thing for her to do at this time. Better, IMO, to get him to partner with her for the good of their family. Others may disagree.

Someone I know went through a nighmare of a divorce even though she herself was a lawyer and thought she knew her rights. Nope. Judge was bull about some of the things she did and ruled in the husband's favor on a lot of issues. She was shocked (and devastated). In this situation the husband's family had plenty of money to keep up the fight; she did not, so she had to concede. Sad, but true.

 

[clutter]

That is my biggest fear. I feel like I have some control on the inside, so to speak. I have no idea how things would work. I think that is what has stopped me from taking any action before. I have no proof of the past child porn on the computers, especially since they destroyed the last computer it was on.

ETA: MIL has started asking if she can take DD on out of town trips with her. Her sister is beginning to tell her all about "grandparent rights" and that I can't keep the children from her. I never have tried to keep the kids from her, I just never let them come over without me being present.

You REALLY need a lawyer. Now. You need to know you and your children's rights with your bil.

Call social services to see if they know of a group that can help you, since I agree that it may be expensive. What about your sister, you don't say if she is local or not? Do you have family that can help financially?

 

[Disney Darling]

I didn't read all of the replies but in regards to the BIL, if you suspect child porn on his computer REPORT it. Report it to the police, report it to the state attorney general REPORT IT! You can do it anonymously and they take this stuff seriously!!

We know of a family where the 20 something year old son downloaded some pictures from napster or limewire or something like that. ---By the way nothing you do on the computer is secret - - - - The authorities actually tracked it and he is doing jail time for each photo that was on the computer. Something like six of them total and he's doing time foreach photo. He IS on the sex registry list.

REPORT it for the safety of your children and the children you don't know, PLEASE!!

 

[Aisling]

You say DH is a good dad and husband, so give him a chance to prove it. Take him to a nice neutral place (restaurant with just the two of you comes to mind), and tell him what you stated here. Explain that the future has changes involved, and if he want's to be part of it:

1. He must agree to move immediately, even to an apartment, but it must be now.
2. He has to give up control of the household money. He will be allotted a certain amount of "fun money" once the budget is under control.
3. He must attend counseling sessions with you.

If he is truly a good guy as you mentioned, he will agree in the interest of his family and your relationship. Sometimes we men need to get to the brink to realize how much we love our wives, and how much we take them for granted.

If he is just in it for convenience, you'll find out that you need to go the attorney route.

The BIL is sick and will not get the help he needs, so don't waste your time trying to fix that. Just get your kids out and away from him, NOW!

Prayers sent for you to have strength and hopefully a good outcome to this trying situation.

This is EXCELLENT advice. My heart hurts for you, but I'm glad you said you have a supportive sister on your side. As Eliza said, being lousy with money doesn't make someone a bad guy, so this will be a test for your husband. Things will most likely get more difficult and stressful before things get better, but it will get better if you take action, the first thing having a SERIOUS talk with your husband. And don't worry if his family calls you a witch or a ***** or whatever. Be strong and screw them if they think they're going to control you and your children. I'll pray for you and wish you the very best.

By the way, if I were in your area, I feel like I'd run your BIL over with my car and call it an accident, I'm so disgusted by him.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Very true. Good point. I guess my fear is that DH would get visitation and then leave them here with the inlaws. I don't think there is anything I could do to stop him.



Thank you and I bet you're right about that being on his computer right now. He is engaged again, but they have the new girl completely snowed. I know she thinks I'm nuts the way I act. I have as little as possible to do with either of them because I don't want anyone pointing fingers at me when it all hits the fan (yep, they partially blame me for the bil's exwife discovering "the secret".) There is no telling what she has been told about me. But the one thing my inlaws do seem to come up with when it comes to defending bil is money. They would happily provide DH the funds to fight me if it comes to that. I am making calls to counselors in the morning or on my lunch break tomorrow. I have to get this sorted out.

Being in possession of child porn is against the law. Why don't you report him to the FBI? There are ways of them tracing his activity on line.

That whole family is sick. Including his parents for covering up for him.

Your husband is another story. It sounds like you have been making excuses for his bad choices over the years. He sounds like a very selfish person. I think that you have lived with his behavior for so long that it looks normal to you. It's not. A good father and husband will always put his family first and it sounds like that is not what he is doing.

Start a separate account that he doesn't have access to, talk to an attorney and see what your options are, and then see a counselor.

Do you have family that you can stay with if you leave?

I would NOT trust my children with your in-laws or let your brother-in-law anywhere near them. I would also clue in the new girlfriend. She deserves that much. How can you let her stay in that relationship knowing what you know and not telling her? What she does after that is up to her. But at least you tried.

Good luck.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I know this is difficult for you and divorce is a big bite to chew. I wouldn't push you that far until you both have tried counseling..

DO NOT move in with your MIL. It's too risky. The fact that they covered it up means that they won't protect your children. You will never have a moment of peace if you life in that house and God forbod something happens. You just don't want or need that kind of guilt.

Good luck!

Lisa

I agree with this poster.

You have to look to the future if you do decide to divorce. How can you justify moving in with your in-laws knowing what you know? Do you know what your husband's attorney will do to you in court? You will end up looking as bad as your in-laws.

Do not move in with them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with this poster.

You have to look to the future if you do decide to divorce. How can you justify moving in with your in-laws knowing what you know? Do you know what your husband's attorney will do to you in court? You will end up looking as bad as your in-laws.

Do not move in with them.

She already lives on their property. Not sure where you are getting this from.

She needs to leave the situation.

 

[okeydokey]

I know it's terrifying to think of how this will play out in the near future, but ask yourself if you will be better off in a year, two years, three years. Those years will come whether you act now or not, so you need to act now.

I would ask around to see if you could stay with your sis or other family for a while, then let DH know you are going and not coming back to the property and his BIL. He can choose whether to join you or not, but you will be in control.

Good luck, we are all pulling for you!

I would also contact the FBI about the child porn. So what if they know it's you really. You could be saving the life of a poor child.

 

[bumbershoot]

I

I would also be very, very careful about future posts because potentially your husband could use online message boards, tweets, and emails against you.


As you find more information about your sex offender BIL, write down where you found the information. If possible, make a copy of it.

I agree with both of these things.

Arrest records are public, yes? As are court documents (I think)? I don't know how to get ahold of those things, but I believe you could...

 

[LisaR]

I would be deathly afraid of leaving for the simple fact that your in-laws are nuts and will do anything and everything it takes to make YOU lose custody of your children. If they will protect a pedophile, I can't imagine the lengths they will go to to hurt you; someone they don't like anyway.

I would start with your DH. I would really work on trying to convince him to see things your way. Test the waters. See if he feels the same way about your BIL. If he truly is a good dad and loves his kids, he will want to get them out of that situation.

I agree with everyone that protecting your children is the #1 priority but it sounds like you not only need to protect them from BIL but a who slew of crazies. Proceed with caution.