Spin-Off of Marriage Length Thread: 2nd Marriages

[mi*vida*loca]

I think the divorce rate among 2nd marriages has much more to do with stepchildren and family dynamics. That's what I always figured. I'm on my 2nd marriage but there were no kids involved the first time around.

I agree. And a lot is how the other bio parent meddles. I know couples who love the kids of their new SO but can't deal with the XW or XH causing issues. Not wanting the new SO to do things for the kids, encouraging the kids not to like the new SO or to be mean to them, screwing up holidays, holding the kids hostage, being late to everything, saying the kids can't go on vacation, etc. It really is a shame because they do so well as a family unit but that other person causing so much havoc takes it's toll.

I'm lucky that my XH doesn't give me any issues with the kids. We are very fair about vacations, holidays and all that. We do everything out of court and he gives me no issues. He basically gives me first dibs as long as he feels I'm fair, which I really always am. So in that aspect we've never had a problem which I know is a huge lifesaver.

He believes that my SO has every right to discipline the kids. When we moved in together he told me "He can punish the kids, he can yell at them but I draw the line at him putting his hands on my kids." (something I would never allow anyway). Since they were young, when he would drop the kids off at my house after a weekend, he would always tell them "Listen to your mom and David." He doesn't tolerate them disrespecting me or him. He understands that he can't be there full time but my SO is. He knows that my SO does a lot for them from taking them to sports practices, making them food, helping them with their homework. So I have that "back up" from him so my kids know they can't play both sides. That is a HUGE help in our family dynamics.

 

[iluveeyore]

I can see the point about kids having a lot do with hurting a second marriage. I was married 25+ years the first time and waited till my kids were grown to leave. I have been happily married the second (and last) time for 3+ years, and we have no kids that live with us. I do struggle having to deal with DH's ex and the finances/issues of his older children, one of which still lives with his ex, and it was a huge strain to have his grown daughter live with us for three months, but when it's just the two of us together, we are extremely happy. I love him dearly and would never leave, but I question whether or not we would have flourished as well if younger children had been in the picture and under our roof when they're each other's and not 'ours'. He is fortunate in that I moved far away from my family, and he never has to deal with my ex (and neither do I). My grown kids adore him and love to visit, but we only see them about once a year for a week. His kids want nothing to do with me, which makes it difficult for him to spend time with them.

As for second marriages, we are older and both came from basically 'loveless' first marriages, at least over the last many years of them, and we call each other soul mates. I wish everyone in the world could experience, just once, the amazing feeling of love and the happy life I have with this man. We are so in tune with each other, have so much in common, and just love to spend every waking moment together, even after three years. I could not imagine life without him, and don't want to.

 

[wenrob]

Have never been divorced (married 25 years, together 29 come January) but multiple people I know from my Dad's circle/generation have had multiple marriages. Once we were at a cousins wedding and my Dad introduced the new bride to my stepmom as “Paul’s future ex wife.” The bride didn’t find it funny but she was number four I think and wasn’t the last.

Let’s see, Mom and Dad were married five years? Met at 14, married at 17 (that would be because of me, ha) split briefly then had sis as a “save the marriage baby.” Didn’t work so divorced around 20, 21 ish.

Mom took off to Hawaii and married John almost immediately. That lasted less than a year because as it turns out, John was already married to someone else. We pretend John never existed. I don’t think my younger brothers have any clue about that marriage. So 2nd marriage big time fail. However she married my stepdad a couple years later and they’ve been married well over forty years. Third time was a charm. Was first marriage for stepdad.

Dad showed up with my “new Mom” when I was about four. They were in the middle of building a house on land my grandparents bought in the early 50s when Dad came home and found her in bed with the electrician. Dad gave her everything, including the house to get rid of her. (Jumping over to the prenup thread-my grandmother was furious and this is what prompted her to put a blood relative only clause on her trust and in her will) So, marriage number 2 (for both) just before the five year mark. I think Dad was all of 26 by then. He married my current stepmom a couple years later and they are going on 41 years together. Second marriage for stepmom.

Sis and I have both been married to our spouses forever. Only marriage for us and our husbands. Stepbro, has been married to SIL for just over 12 years. First marriage for him, second for her. She had three daughters and her ex did his fair share of trying to manipulate the girls and their marriage but they held strong and the girls are grown now. Younger bro has been married for 18 years? Only marriage for both. Youngest bro has been married and divorced twice. He’s the type who feels he needs to be married and married the first after two days and the second after two weeks. First was four years and second was 10 but there were many, many separations over the years. He tried to marry his current GF but she told him to slow his roll, lol. I don’t blame her, his track record is not good and he has custody of five kids while she has none.

Interestingly my great maternal grandmother was a second marriage for my great grandpa. Of course they never, ever talked about it because divorce was not acceptable back then. They stayed married until he passed.

Oh my mom’s youngest brother, second wife 40+ years. Her only marriage.

 

[wenrob]

I agree. And a lot is how the other bio parent meddles. I know couples who love the kids of their new SO but can't deal with the XW or XH causing issues. Not wanting the new SO to do things for the kids, encouraging the kids not to like the new SO or to be mean to them, screwing up holidays, holding the kids hostage, being late to everything, saying the kids can't go on vacation, etc. It really is a shame because they do so well as a family unit but that other person causing so much havoc takes it's toll.

I'm lucky that my XH doesn't give me any issues with the kids. We are very fair about vacations, holidays and all that. We do everything out of court and he gives me no issues. He basically gives me first dibs as long as he feels I'm fair, which I really always am. So in that aspect we've never had a problem which I know is a huge lifesaver.

He believes that my SO has every right to discipline the kids. When we moved in together he told me "He can punish the kids, he can yell at them but I draw the line at him putting his hands on my kids." (something I would never allow anyway). Since they were young, when he would drop the kids off at my house after a weekend, he would always tell them "Listen to your mom and David." He doesn't tolerate them disrespecting me or him. He understands that he can't be there full time but my SO is. He knows that my SO does a lot for them from taking them to sports practices, making them food, helping them with their homework. So I have that "back up" from him so my kids know they can't play both sides. That is a HUGE help in our family dynamics.

I really can’t tell you how much I respect this.

 

[bdcp]

Yup me too! My kids don't yet. Not sure when you tell them.

DH and I have been married forever (36 years, first and only lol) but I have a friend who was briefly married in her 20's -a year or two. She remarried a year or so after that, pregnant with her first daughter and they've been married 34 years. Well, my friend's sister took it upon herself to tell her niece that her mother had been married before which opened up a whole can of worms because she immediately asked if her father was her real father. I think she was may 13 at the time. There was really no reason to tell her about her mother's first marriage, and it certainly wasn't her aunt's job to do so. Just be aware that even if you haven't told, someone else may decide to.

I can say, I know more than one couple who divorced a second time due to the stepkids and conflicts such as not being allowed to ever discipline and being disrespected by them. The kids played everyone off each other and the parents felt so much guilt about the divorces that they let them.

 

[Darcy03231]

1st marriage for me was 7 years. We were divorced due to his alcohol/illegal drug/mental health issues that he had no interest in trying to resolve.
1st marriage for DH was 17 years. They got divorced due to his ex-wife's infidelity.

We've been married for 20 years (coming up on 21 soon)!

 

[FlyingBelle]

First marriage was just shy of 8 years. We met in April, were engaged in July and got married the following April. Infertility played a big part in the divorce.

Once the divorce was final, I was interested in dating. Had all these "rules", but threw them out the window when I met DH. We met in Feb, got engaged in May, and were married by October. That was 13+ years ago and since added two kids.

We certainly have our ups and downs, but I would never want to go through divorce again. It's painful. And DH is worth the effort to keep things going strong.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I agree. And a lot is how the other bio parent meddles. I know couples who love the kids of their new SO but can't deal with the XW or XH causing issues. Not wanting the new SO to do things for the kids, encouraging the kids not to like the new SO or to be mean to them, screwing up holidays, holding the kids hostage, being late to everything, saying the kids can't go on vacation, etc. It really is a shame because they do so well as a family unit but that other person causing so much havoc takes it's toll.

I'm lucky that my XH doesn't give me any issues with the kids. We are very fair about vacations, holidays and all that. We do everything out of court and he gives me no issues. He basically gives me first dibs as long as he feels I'm fair, which I really always am. So in that aspect we've never had a problem which I know is a huge lifesaver.

He believes that my SO has every right to discipline the kids. When we moved in together he told me "He can punish the kids, he can yell at them but I draw the line at him putting his hands on my kids." (something I would never allow anyway). Since they were young, when he would drop the kids off at my house after a weekend, he would always tell them "Listen to your mom and David." He doesn't tolerate them disrespecting me or him. He understands that he can't be there full time but my SO is. He knows that my SO does a lot for them from taking them to sports practices, making them food, helping them with their homework. So I have that "back up" from him so my kids know they can't play both sides. That is a HUGE help in our family dynamics.

Sounds like your XH is a really good guy and a wonderful father.

 

[mummabear]

It occurred to me while reading the other thread that apparently 2nd marriages are more likely to fail than first, and the divorce numbers skyrocket for subsequent marriages.

I’m surprised by this, I would have thought that 2nd marriages were more likely to be successful.

I've only been married once, but the logical line of thinking for me always asks -- wouldn't someone who's suffered through a bad marriage be intensely thoughtful about entering into another one? I mean who wants to burn themselves willingly on a hot stove twice? An awful lot of people I know who married and divorced and subsequently entered into a new life partner relationship or a second marriage are incredibly grateful they found their true mate and they nurture it accordingly.

I would have thought 2nd marriages were more successful for these reasons:
-more careful about picking a comparable mate now knowing what marriage really is and what you want and don’t want.
-OR realise that no one is perfect and that many of the problems are still the same with a new partner and the grass is not actually greener as they thought during the first marriage
-often 2nd marriages occur after children, which removes the great stress of sleepless nights, and parenting conflicts.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Sounds like your XH is a really good guy and a wonderful father.

A huge thing is we don't tolerate disrespectful behavior from our children no matter who the adult in question is. That's probably both of our pet peeves. Disrespectful, ill mannered children.

He's a good guy but not cut out for marriage or relationships. But I can't complain. I hear so many horror stories of co-parenting and we don't have those issues. He trusts me as their mother and basically lets me call the shots. He knows I would never have a bad man around the kids so he never had any concerns regarding my SO.

 

[wenrob]

I’m surprised by this, I would have thought that 2nd marriages were more likely to be successful.



I would have thought 2nd marriages were more successful for these reasons:
-more careful about picking a comparable mate now knowing what marriage really is and what you want and don’t want.
-OR realise that no one is perfect and that many of the problems are still the same with a new partner and the grass is not actually greener as they thought during the first marriage
-often 2nd marriages occur after children, which removes the great stress of sleepless nights, and parenting conflicts.

I think a lot of second marriages are rebounds though. My parents and many of their peers are prime examples. A lot of them happen way too fast and for the wrong reason. Finding a parent for the kids (this was big in the 70s from what I’ve seen. My DH’s Dad brought home a “new Mom” as well) or not wanting to be alone. The successful 2nd marriages that I’m privy to had quite a few years between marriage one and marriage two bringing into the play the things you mention.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I’m surprised by this, I would have thought that 2nd marriages were more likely to be successful.



I would have thought 2nd marriages were more successful for these reasons:
-more careful about picking a comparable mate now knowing what marriage really is and what you want and don’t want.
-OR realise that no one is perfect and that many of the problems are still the same with a new partner and the grass is not actually greener as they thought during the first marriage
-often 2nd marriages occur after children, which removes the great stress of sleepless nights, and parenting conflicts.

I would have assumed the opposite because:

1) I think once you've thrown in the towel on marriage, it's a little easier to do again.

2) the likelihood of marrying someone who just isn't "made" for marriage somewhat increases.

 

[mummabear]

I would have assumed the opposite because:

1) I think once you've thrown in the towel on marriage, it's a little easier to do again.

2) the likelihood of marrying someone who just isn't "made" for marriage somewhat increases.

These are good points.

 

[Marchand63]

I would have assumed the opposite because:

1) I think once you've thrown in the towel on marriage, it's a little easier to do again.

2) the likelihood of marrying someone who just isn't "made" for marriage somewhat increases.

I think it depends on the reason the marriage dissolved. My x & I just couldn't meet a common ground and decided to part before it got bitter & resentful. My DH fought through multiple rehabs with his ex, see my last post. He finally for his own mental health had to get him & his sons out.

So we both fought & respect marriage but sometimes it's either you or them.

 

[Gary M]

My first marriage lasted 4 years. My second marriage has been for 45 years.

 

[Turn the Page]

I think it depends on the reason the marriage dissolved. My x & I just couldn't meet a common ground and decided to part before it got bitter & resentful. My DH fought through multiple rehabs with his ex, see my last post. He finally for his own mental health had to get him & his sons out.

So we both fought & respect marriage but sometimes it's either you or them.

I agree this can be a big part of it. In our case, my ex had gotten addicted to prescription pain pills and I stuck with it through about 4 rehab stints (he would only stay a week each time), multiple attention getting "suicide attempts" and all of that morphed into extremely controlling and abusive behavior. At some point you just have to say enough is enough and leave. I finally got to the point where I just said I wasn't going to raise my daughter in an environment that made her think it was ok for men to treat her like that and I left. That marriage lasted 2 years.

DH got divorced because his ex was sleeping with his sisters husband......for like 2 years. Which is all sorts of gross. I mean there's cheating and then there's that. They were married for close to 4 years I think.

Our second marriage took place 9 years after I split from my ex and I think it was about 5 years after DH and his ex split.

 

[tvguy]

What about multiple marriages because of .....ah....death?
My wife's Grandfather was married 9 times. Marriages to Mrs #1 and Mrs #9 lasted about a year before a divorce. Marriages to Mrs 2-to-8 ended were apparently keepers, until they died after an average of 10 years of marriage. He lived 93 years and was married a combined total of 62 years.

 

[bdcp]

What about multiple marriages because of .....ah....death?
My wife's Grandfather was married 9 times. Marriages to Mrs #1 and Mrs #9 lasted about a year before a divorce. Marriages to Mrs 2-to-8 ended were apparently keepers, until they died after an average of 10 years of marriage. He lived 93 years and was married a combined total of 62 years.

I don't think I would have been #9 after the way 2-8 left.

They do say however that men who are happily married remarry very quickly after being widowed. Women, not so much.

 

[Pamlur]

My first marriage was for 3 years (teenagers)
My second lasted 13 years.
My third lasted 30, until my husband's death; if cancer hadn't taken him away we'd be coming up on 40 now.

 

[superme80]

What about multiple marriages because of .....ah....death?
My wife's Grandfather was married 9 times. Marriages to Mrs #1 and Mrs #9 lasted about a year before a divorce. Marriages to Mrs 2-to-8 ended were apparently keepers, until they died after an average of 10 years of marriage. He lived 93 years and was married a combined total of 62 years.

I knew a woman who outlasted 3 husbands before she passed in her 90s.
My husband was married for 2 or 3 years before his ex filed for divorce. Once it was finalized it was a total of 5 years. DH is my only husband. He has been stuck..I mean married to me for 10 years. Just another 50 to go!