Spin-Off of Marriage Length Thread: 2nd Marriages

[CdnCarrie]

I think the divorce rate among 2nd marriages has much more to do with stepchildren and family dynamics. That's what I always figured. I'm on my 2nd marriage but there were no kids involved the first time around.

 

[foodiddiedoo]

I think the divorce rate among 2nd marriages has much more to do with stepchildren and family dynamics. That's what I always figured. I'm on my 2nd marriage but there were no kids involved the first time around.

Agree with you a lot. I was married to my first husband right out of college and he wanted to get divorced after 2 years of marriage (together for 6 total). He didn't really want to be an adult in the same way I did. My current husband was never married before, but he and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. We have a daughter now and I'm almost on the fence about even mentioning that I was married before. I figure I won't bring it up unless she asks in the future.

 

[Simba's Mom]

Ironically, my first husband went on to have 3 more failed marriages by the time he was 35 (yes, four marriages). Several years later he got engaged for a fifth time, but that engagement was broken, so he never had that fifth marriage.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Ironically, my first husband went on to have 3 more failed marriages by the time he was 35 (yes, four marriages). Several years later he got engaged for a fifth time, but that engagement was broken, so he never had that fifth marriage.

I've been in one relationship since I got divorced. 6 years and going strong. My ex has a new girlfriend about every 6 months. He's anti marriage, anti living together, anti sharing his space, etc. His previous girlfriend broke up with him because she wanted him to move in and help pay the bills since he stayed there almost every night anyway. Well he refused to give up his own place and told her no way no how. He said he would just stay at home every night then. He just didn't get it even after I tried giving him a woman's POV! He's a nice guy but he is not made for marriage or long term relationships. His current girlfriend is about 8 years younger than him and they seem very happy......until she starts asking for more.

 

[Marchand63]

I've only been married once, but the logical line of thinking for me always asks -- wouldn't someone who's suffered through a bad marriage be intensely thoughtful about entering into another one? I mean who wants to burn themselves willingly on a hot stove twice? An awful lot of people I know who married and divorced and subsequently entered into a new life partner relationship or a second marriage are incredibly grateful they found their true mate and they nurture it accordingly.

That is all fine & well but their are benefits to marriage at least where we live. Getting toward retirement & we had be married for him to be on my pension & benefits since there are no more "domestic partnerships" any more with legalization of same sex marriage.

 

[luvsJack]

I think the divorce rate among 2nd marriages has much more to do with stepchildren and family dynamics. That's what I always figured. I'm on my 2nd marriage but there were no kids involved the first time around.

Probably true. But I find that with my own marriage and others around me with successful second marriages and step children, the thing that works is throwing out that word "step".

The step parent should be able to treat the children as their own and they should be willing to love and treat them that way. If not, then it's not going to work.

 

[cabanafrau]

That is all fine & well but their are benefits to marriage at least where we live. Getting toward retirement & we had be married for him to be on my pension & benefits since there are no more "domestic partnerships" any more with legalization of same sex marriage.

I was just referencing life-time partnership as a means of describing several people I know who have divorced and gone onto new relationships they consider life-time commitments but have not chosen to marry at this point. I know several who have gone on to a second marriage after divorce as well. I wasn't making any kind of statement about benefits of marriage vs. simply choosing a non marital commitment. I have no idea why some of the couples have chosen to remain together as a commitment without marriage and have no idea if they ever plan to marry.

 

[kimblebee]

I've only been married once, but the logical line of thinking for me always asks -- wouldn't someone who's suffered through a bad marriage be intensely thoughtful about entering into another one? I mean who wants to burn themselves willingly on a hot stove twice? An awful lot of people I know who married and divorced and subsequently entered into a new life partner relationship or a second marriage are incredibly grateful they found their true mate and they nurture it accordingly.

You have hit it on the head. I was married for just over two years and the divorce process took SIX YEARS! There was no property to divide or anything complicated, my ex just didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of having it done.

I stayed single for 10 years or so and then ‘met’ my forever husband (I like that term I invented LOL). I thought long and hard about getting into a relationship with him and was looking for any signs of red flags to make sure I didn’t get burned again.

We’ll be at 3 years married on Boxing Day and he’s stuck on me like glue so he’s a keeper lol

 

[CdnCarrie]

Agree with you a lot. I was married to my first husband right out of college and he wanted to get divorced after 2 years of marriage (together for 6 total). He didn't really want to be an adult in the same way I did. My current husband was never married before, but he and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. We have a daughter now and I'm almost on the fence about even mentioning that I was married before. I figure I won't bring it up unless she asks in the future.

Yup me too! My kids don't yet. Not sure when you tell them.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I don't know anyone who had 2 failed marriages. Well a friend's ex husband but that is it. No 3rd marriages that I'm aware of with people I know.

 

[CdnCarrie]

You have hit it on the head. I was married for just over two years and the divorce process took SIX YEARS! There was no property to divide or anything complicated, my ex just didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of having it done.

I stayed single for 10 years or so and then ‘met’ my forever husband (I like that term I invented LOL). I thought long and hard about getting into a relationship with him and was looking for any signs of red flags to make sure I didn’t get burned again.

We’ll be at 3 years married on Boxing Day and he’s stuck on me like glue so he’s a keeper lol

I should read all the replies before I post so I don't have multiple posts in a row!

How did it take 6 years in Manitoba? One year separation a party can file and the other can't contest. Unless there was a lot of bickering over the separation of assets or custody I don't understand how it would have taken so long.

 

[cabanafrau]

Personally I'd tell my kids if I'd been married before. I'd do it when they're old enough to start participating in conversations about life with a little bit of depth in them. I have shared a lot of deeply personal mistakes, regrets and disappointments with my daughters over the years in the hopes that they will use my experience when making choices in their lives and hopefully avoid some of the pitfalls I landed in.

Before I had kids I worked in a completely different field with a lot of people much older than me. I found myself often sharing a lunch table with two older women who were constantly at wits end with their teenage kids. One of them was getting very scared her son was going to wind up arrested for drugs or an addict so she decided to share her experiences to try to get him to stop using. When my daughters were growing up and different discussions would happen I would find myself thinking, they're young, this is just a topic of discussion, do I really want to tell them about this or that -- until I would remember her face when she told us what her son said to her. Basically he thought that she was making stuff up just to stop him from having fun and doing what he wanted because she had never told him anything about it until she was trying to get him to stay away from drugs. That always stuck with me and I realized that if I waited to tell them certain things just because they were facing the same or similar issue they might not accept what I told them. Basically in some ways I wound up as the mother who was the cautionary tale I was warning them about.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Probably true. But I find that with my own marriage and others around me with successful second marriages and step children, the thing that works is throwing out that word "step".

The step parent should be able to treat the children as their own and they should be willing to love and treat them that way. If not, then it's not going to work.

Agreed. Never been involved in a step family at all and neither has my DH so I don't know all the dynamics.

Very good point about telling the kids. However with my first marriage there was really nothing cautionary there to disclose. Great guy. Dated for long time. We were not that young. Nothing abusive or bad. Relationship just ended. Not sure how to slip that information into a conversation with a teenage boy until he starts dating himself.

 

[kimblebee]

I should read all the replies before I post so I don't have multiple posts in a row!

How did it take 6 years in Manitoba? One year separation a party can file and the other can't contest. Unless there was a lot of bickering over the separation of assets or custody I don't understand how it would have taken so long.

He kept firing lawyers and missing appointments to sign papers. Then he decided to be a butthead about making sure the custody agreement was fair (which it always was and he ended up being a deadbeat anyway). When I say he delayed it out of spite, I’m not exaggerating at all.

 

[Marchand63]

You have hit it on the head. I was married for just over two years and the divorce process took SIX YEARS! There was no property to divide or anything complicated, my ex just didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of having it done.

I stayed single for 10 years or so and then ‘met’ my forever husband (I like that term I invented LOL). I thought long and hard about getting into a relationship with him and was looking for any signs of red flags to make sure I didn’t get burned again.

We’ll be at 3 years married on Boxing Day and he’s stuck on me like glue so he’s a keeper lol

My DH was the same when I met him. He wasn't looking for any relationship or a GF. His divorce was hell. Think multiple assaults, her climbing through his apartment window stealing his address book & calling all the women in it and screaming a few choice words at them she would call his lawyer at 3 in the morning drunk ranting. The absolute best was doing prison time. So we were very casual for about a year until his exacts words:

I'm not looking to get married

My response:

I don't remember asking you.

Later he said that's when he figured he might want GF & marriage.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Ironically, my first husband went on to have 3 more failed marriages by the time he was 35 (yes, four marriages). Several years later he got engaged for a fifth time, but that engagement was broken, so he never had that fifth marriage.

I don't know anyone who had 2 failed marriages. Well a friend's ex husband but that is it. No 3rd marriages that I'm aware of with people I know.

My cousin was married three times by the time he was 35. First was when he was 20 and the girl was 17 and pregnant. That lasted about 5 years and they had another kid. Then he married again when he was about 29 to a girl who had just graduated high school. That one lasted less than two years. The third marriage, about age 35 to a similar age woman lasted about 20 years.

But then they got divorced and he went back to living with but not re-marrying Wife #1.

Last I heard he's with Wife #2 again.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I have heard that this is a very common reason so many second marriages fail. Something like 60-70% of second marriages when children are involved from previous relationships end in divorce due to the intense stress and strain blended family issues inherently come with. It is a real struggle and one that is extremely difficult to navigate.

My cousin's first marriage fell apart primarily because she had children from a previous marriage still in the house.

A friend couldn't make it with husband #2 in part because of his crazy ex and the many issues crazy ex caused over the kids. Friend left husband #3 not long ago and has now rekindled things with #2 (whose kids are now out of the house). Love her to death, but I don't think anyone is shocked she's had 3 divorces.

Have another friend who is thrice divorced, and I don't believe any of the 3 made it more than 2 or 3 years. She's beautiful, talented, smart, and comes from a VERY nice, normal (and wealthy) family. I don't know what's going on there at all, but there's some sort of explanation, I'm sure.

 

[CdnCarrie]

My cousin was married three times by the time he was 35. First was when he was 20 and the girl was 17 and pregnant. That lasted about 5 years and they had another kid. Then he married again when he was about 29 to a girl who had just graduated high school. That one lasted less than two years. The third marriage, about age 35 to a similar age woman lasted about 20 years.

But then they got divorced and he went back to living with but not re-marrying Wife #1.

Last I heard he's with Wife #2 again.

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction isn't it. That is a made for tv movie plot right there. Must have made for some fun family reunion gossip.

 

[ronandannette]

Agree with you a lot. I was married to my first husband right out of college and he wanted to get divorced after 2 years of marriage (together for 6 total). He didn't really want to be an adult in the same way I did. My current husband was never married before, but he and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. We have a daughter now and I'm almost on the fence about even mentioning that I was married before. I figure I won't bring it up unless she asks in the future.

Yup me too! My kids don't yet. Not sure when you tell them.

Interesting to hear this is maybe pretty common. Our DS realizes his Dad was married previously because he has two older sisters that are DH's daughters, but it wasn't always that way. I can honestly say I never really thought about it until one day when he 8 or so and he asked me a question that made it clear he thought I was the girls' mother. Awkward. Maybe then would have been the time to tell him I had been previously married too, but I didn't and now am not sure how or when that conversation could be initiated. FWIW, he's never been the kind of kid that expressed interest or curiosity about our earlier lives.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My DH was the same when I met him. He wasn't looking for any relationship or a GF. His divorce was hell. Think multiple assaults, her climbing through his apartment window stealing his address book & calling all the women in it and screaming a few choice words at them she would call his lawyer at 3 in the morning drunk ranting. The absolute best was doing prison time. So we were very casual for about a year until his exacts words:

I'm not looking to get married

My response:

I don't remember asking you.

Later he said that's when he figured he might want GF & marriage.

Sounds like me and my SO. We were casual acquaintances for a year and then very casual for a year after that. We both said NO serious relationships and no marriage. After a year we decided to go to the next level. Been "officially" together ever since.

I will say that I don't have many deal breakers. He's a great guy and it would take something Earth moving for me to leave. The number one reason is my kids. I already ripped them out of one home. I would think longer and harder this time around before I were to leave. Not saying that I took my marriage lightly but this time is different. My kids absolutely love him. He's a huge part of their lives.