Spin off of age to get married.....My step-daughter is getting married Saturday

[Westcoastwild]

YES! I did not want to post about the problems the mother has caused. During the divorce the judge mandated that he could only have the children over when he was at home to care for them. He was not allowed to have a competent person watch the kids until he got home from work unless they provided their social security number to the mother. NO person is going to give their SSN to another person. He was not allowed to use daycare. The kids were home schooled by their grandmother following a strict religious curriculum, and they (mother and grandmother) felt any time spent in daycare would negate their wholesome upbringing. He had to work off duty jobs to pay the 1600.00 per month child support. He worked 7 days a week. I am only stating this because of my previous statement about vacations and such. Any free time he had, vacations, family events etc. we made sure his girls were with us. I is a very difficult situation. My husband cant stop the child support as it has been tied up in domestic relations for a year and a half. He is trying to get the judge to order the younger child- 14.5 years old, into public school. She is educated by her grandmother and her reading and math is only reading on a 4th grade level. So, according to the wife's family, we are trying to cause trouble. No, we are trying to help raise educated well rounded kids to adulthood.

So I get the difficulty of his position but see, right there, that means he doesn't have a solid relationship with his kid. If he was working all the time, when could he do it?

Re: babysitter- You'd give your SS number for a background check though? So I'm not quite understanding that. I mean, I have for every job. If he's a cop, he should understand the background check thing when it comes to childcare. Teachers have to be fingerprinted. Don't cops?

I do completely understand all of the homeschooling stuff. I hope y'all succeed with the younger girl. The people who homeschool well are awesome. Unfortunately, a lot of people homeschool to protect their kids for "influence" and have no business homeschooling to begin with. The kids become isolated and don't get a firm foundation in education. Some of the homeschool religious based systems are ridiculous. I went to patriarchal school and they sure didn't use...the "j" word..to teach math or science or English.

Has he offered to pay for technical school or community college classes? I know the girl wants to be a stahm but he could sell to her as a way to get skills to teach her own kids. Like a early childhood education degree? It could help widen her horizons quite a bit. Poor kid. I'm guessing the marriage is the only escape/way to have fun that she sees.

 

[tinah159]

Well, are we meant to be helpful? Serious question. We're not even talking to the two principal players. The dad and kid will do whatever they want.

You see it that way because of your experience. Others see it the opposite way based on their experience. Me, I could go either way but I don't see any evidence that the kid and dad had a solid relationship beforehand. Sounds like a lot of conflict between her parents at least over her upbringing. She asked for money for her wedding, stepmom and dad refused unless strings were attached, she disinvited them from the wedding. She apparently disinvited her grandparents from the wedding for no apparent reason. That last doesn't seem too likely.

I'm just pointing out I see holes. great, gaping holes. I'm not doubting that the kid is immature or that the marriage is a terrible idea. But. I think there's a whole lot of family stuff playing out in the background.

The only strings attached was asking her how they were going to make this work. 2 19 year olds with part time jobs, the male with no drivers license and medical issues,no transportion and both having no world experience. I think those are questions any parent would ask before giving thousands of dollars for a wedding. It was not a heated discussion except when she would not let her fiancee speak and her dad told her to shut her mouth and let him speak. She was completely dominating the conversation. She also stated that the fiancee's grand-parents were paying for the flowers at the wedding but she was apprehensive about accepting as they wanted a their Bishop to bless the union. She told me she would not allow that as she didn't believe in their religion. I told her she should rethink that decision. Those were the only heated moments.

 

[Westcoastwild]

The only strings attached was asking her how they were going to make this work. 2 19 year olds with part time jobs, the male with no drivers license and medical issues,no transportion and both having no world experience. I think those are questions any parent would ask before giving thousands of dollars for a wedding. It was not a heated discussion except when she would not let her fiancee speak and her dad told her to shut her mouth and let him speak. She was completely dominating the conversation. She also stated that the fiancee's grand-parents were paying for the flowers at the wedding but she was apprehensive about accepting as they wanted a their Bishop to bless the union. She told me she would not allow that as she didn't believe in their religion. I told her she should rethink that decision. Those were the only heated moments.

Wow. Well, I think she's in for a rude awakening. Not allow the Bishop to bless it? What's she going to say when it comes down to baptism. She's basically on a collision course with his family.

I'm kind of amazed his grandparents have not stepped in and extricated him already if he's that dependent. How does he get to work without transportation?

I'm no longer wondering why she'd ban someone from a wedding- I'm wondering why anyone would want to show up

 

[Westcoastwild]

I keep forgetting to ask: what does the mother do for a living? I'm assuming she must have a job if grandma homeschools and she got custody to begin with.

 

[tinah159]

So I get the difficulty of his position but see, right there, that means he doesn't have a solid relationship with his kid. If he was working all the time, when could he do it?

Re: babysitter- You'd give your SS number for a background check though? So I'm not quite understanding that. I mean, I have for every job. If he's a cop, he should understand the background check thing when it comes to childcare. Teachers have to be fingerprinted. Don't cops?

I do completely understand all of the homeschooling stuff. I hope y'all succeed with the younger girl. The people who homeschool well are awesome. Unfortunately, a lot of people homeschool to protect their kids for "influence" and have no business homeschooling to begin with. The kids become isolated and don't get a firm foundation in education. Some of the homeschool religious based systems are ridiculous. I went to patriarchal school and they sure didn't use...the "j" word..to teach math or science or English.

Has he offered to pay for technical school or community college classes? I know the girl wants to be a stahm but he could sell to her as a way to get skills to teach her own kids. Like a early childhood education degree? It could help widen her horizons quite a bit. Poor kid. I'm guessing the marriage is the only escape/way to have fun that she sees.

He tried to take time off to see them but was not allowed visitation on Wednesday or Sunday due to church.
Babysitter: He was not allowed to find and hire a babysitter. Their mother had to approve and SHE had to be provide with the persons personal information. Example. I am 10 years older than my husband. My children are 7-10 years older than his. So, when he and I were working, we were not allowed to have one of my girls (over 18) to watch them for a few hours. She demanded their SSN and personal information. If a simple background check through an agency was all she wanted that would be fine. But no one should give their SSN to another individual.

Agreed, Homeschooling is great, in the right hands. The grandmother does not have the necessary skill to teach. We are trying so hard to get the younger one in school but I am worried it is too late. The court battle has been ongoing for 1.5 years. Waiting to see the judge.

He has offered to continue the child support if she would attend school. She is interested in animals and he would pay for her certification as Vet Technician. I really wish she would take him up on that!

 

[tinah159]

I keep forgetting to ask: what does the mother do for a living? I'm assuming she must have a job if grandma homeschools and she got custody to begin with.

The mother is a medical assistant at an OB/GYN office. She is a fairly nice lady and I think she truly believes she is doing what right for the kids. She just won't listen to anyone else's opinion (xHusband) unless they go to her church or have the same beliefs as she does. On the other hand her husband,,,ugh

 

[tinah159]

Wow. Well, I think she's in for a rude awakening. Not allow the Bishop to bless it? What's she going to say when it comes down to baptism. She's basically on a collision course with his family.

I'm kind of amazed his grandparents have not stepped in and extricated him already if he's that dependent. How does he get to work without transportation?

I'm no longer wondering why she'd ban someone from a wedding- I'm wondering why anyone would want to show up

I was shocked about the Bishop. I can't imagine her being so selfish as to not allow their one request. He has since changed religions at her request. Too me, just another immature decision. His grandparents would have stepped in but the grandmother told me they are too old and tired for the fight.

At this point, I don't know who will be at the wedding. All I know is her dad is devastated not to see her in her wedding gown. When my daughter got married, my husband was so happy for her that he went dress shopping with us. lol. He never thought the day would come that he was cut from his bio daughters life.

The wedding sounds like a circus. All the attendants are kids. The maid of honor, her sister, is walking a pit bull down the aisle. Embarrassing to say the least.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I was shocked about the Bishop. I can't imagine her being so selfish as to not allow their one request. He has since changed religions at her request. Too me, just another immature decision. His grandparents would have stepped in but the grandmother told me they are too old and tired for the fight.

At this point, I don't know who will be at the wedding. All I know is her dad is devastated not to see her in her wedding gown. When my daughter got married, my husband was so happy for her that he went dress shopping with us. lol. He never thought the day would come that he was cut from his bio daughters life.

The wedding sounds like a circus. All the attendants are kids. The maid of honor, her sister, is walking a pit bull down the aisle. Embarrassing to say the least.

I'm in agreement except for the pit bull. If my sister got married I'd totally let her dog "escort" me- he probably looks better in a tux then most of the potential groomsmen. That pit bull may be the only sane one at that shindig!

 

[SirDuff]

I will continue to see the very important similarities in these situations.
And, if we are going to judge by the intimate specifics of 'each situation'... then I will question anyone here who is passing judgement on the OP's husband, because, (with good reason), there are ZERO specifics given. That is why I posted my comments above.

Unless I have reason to believe the father has truly and wilfully neglected his daughter (which the examples given, and the conversations that the OP described, do NOT indicate...) I am not going to throw those stones.

Is that even helpful here????

But you can cast stones at the mother?

 

[DaisyJ]

I was shocked about the Bishop. I can't imagine her being so selfish as to not allow their one request. He has since changed religions at her request. Too me, just another immature decision. His grandparents would have stepped in but the grandmother told me they are too old and tired for the fight.

At this point, I don't know who will be at the wedding. All I know is her dad is devastated not to see her in her wedding gown. When my daughter got married, my husband was so happy for her that he went dress shopping with us. lol. He never thought the day would come that he was cut from his bio daughters life.

The wedding sounds like a circus. All the attendants are kids. The maid of honor, her sister, is walking a pit bull down the aisle. Embarrassing to say the least.

Tell dad not to worry, as he's almost guaranteed to see her at her second wedding eventually.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, did your husband even have a lawyer? If so he should have fired him/her a long time ago. Not letting him have the kids due to church, ok, but there should have been a trade off. And was the child support not the legal percentage of his pay?

Anyway, bashing anyone in this situation isn't going to help. The girl is of age. So as immature as she sounds, unless something happens, this marriage is going to take place. Now the trick is working with her within that.

I personally would take the idea of offering to help her go to school. Early childhood would be a great major for her and would fit in with the life she is choosing.

Just please do not simply cut her off. She still needs options and your dh may be the only one that can provide that.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Tell dad not to worry, as he's almost guaranteed to see her at her second wedding eventually.

If she's that much under her mom and grandmother's thumb (plus being deeply rooted in their religion) she may never divorce him due to religious beliefs.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

OP to me this situation is sounding less and less like a "she's only 19=too young to marry" situation and more like a family situation/upbring situation. I mean really who's to say that in 5 or even 10 years she would be by majority of people's standards 'ready' to get married based on your description of what is going on. Sounds like your situation has a lot of layers to it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Since when did the the OP say, in effect, in a blanket-statement kind of way... 19 is too young to marry'?
Seriously.
I just re-read the original post, and the OP mentions, right away, immediately, that her husband, and herself, feel this way because of her situation and life experience.

Keep piling on people...
Really helpful....

 

[Wishing on a star]

What I have done is to raise the probability of some very real and serious issues...
Based on the fact that I am very familiar with these types of issues, and can, therefore, see them perhaps more quickly and/or clearly than some.

Yes, I can consider casting stones at the mother, because of the specific information given by the OP.

No question... No apology...

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Since when did the the OP say, in effect, in a blanket-statement kind of way... 19 is too young to marry'?
Seriously.
I just re-read the original post, and the OP mentions, right away, immediately, that her husband, and herself, feel this way because of her situation and life experience.

Keep piling on people...
Really helpful....

Are you looking for an argument here?

The OP's title is "spin-off of age to get married" (based on the thread that talks about what age should one get married) and in the first post she said the following: "The story is, she is 19 years old and her dad told her he thought she was far too young to get married."

Good lord you really think I was saying my comment as a blanket one rather than one you know aimed at the actual thread at hand? I think you're really trying hard to pick apart comments made but for what reason I don't know.

Yes, I can consider casting stones at the mother, because of the specific information given by the OP.

No question... No apology...

There is a word for that..hypocritical. Don't take this as a mean thing here but why do you get to 'cast stones' at the bio mom based on comments from the step-mom and that's perfectly fine in your mind but oh no if anyone has questions or concerns with regards to other family members such as the dad then well it's totally off-limits. Not only that but why would it be ok to 'cast stones' at the step-daughter based on comments from the step-mom and that be perfectly fine in your mind but again oh no if anyone has questions or concerns with regards to other family members such as the dad then well it's totally off-limits?

Westcostwild is correct here..all we have is the step-mom's side and while there aren't doubts as to the validity of the situation we don't have the bio mom, nor do we have the step-daughter or the father on here talking. The OP herself in a post said "There possible is fault on ALL sides."

 

[luvsJack]

Since when did the the OP say, in effect, in a blanket-statement kind of way... 19 is too young to marry'?
Seriously.
I just re-read the original post, and the OP mentions, right away, immediately, that her husband, and herself, feel this way because of her situation and life experience.

Keep piling on people...
Really helpful....

Who exactly is piling on?

And I agree with the pp, the fault most likely lies somewhere in the middle of all of them not just to one side.

In all reality, the Dad could have fought the mom on all the aspects of his dd's life he is upset about now.

 

[JPPT1974]

Good luck on the wedding. Hope that it is going to be the wedding that she wants. Hope all goes well.

 

[LISAMWDW]

So sorry. It seems this generation stops talking to you or shuns you when a parent parents anymore. Y'all did the right thing. Just be there for her when it all falls apart.