Speaking of affairs......

[cheverie]

I have a freind who's brother knew her husband was cheating but did not say a word for almost 8 years. He was having an affair with a stripper Anyways she found out and was devestated, she had a lot of anger towards her brother of course and it has been 2 years since she found out about it and cannot move forward. She is always asking this question to me and our other girlfriend and we always tell her of course. They are still together, which I don't get, cause 8 years with stripper, the lord protected her from std's, I would have kicked his @@## to the curve!!!!! For the past 24 months, every single week she calls cause she is having a nervouse breakdown, every single week me and our other girlfreind rush to her side and listen, listen and listen, we love her to death, but she either needs to forgive or move on with her life because it is starting to effect her health and her bubbly personality is slowly drowing in a dark pit. I mean, what else can we do for her???? No man is worth it in my opinion, 8 years, I cannot get pass that.

 

[NMAmy]

This goes for ANYTHING - sex, kissing, hugs, smoking, drinking, eating, spending money, whatever. If you know I wouldn't like it - don't DO IT.

Simple.

Okay, I have to ask...what could your SO not eat in front of you? I'm pretty tough on the cheating issue but I can't imagine one food that DH could eat that would upset me. I mean, he has a bizarre affection for liver and onions but as long as he's not cooking it in my house, we're good. He can eat it in front of me in a restaurant.

 

[SydneyFalco]

I wouldn't want to know about a one night stand if the wife cares to have one. And she's told me that if I ever have one, keep it to myself. I suspect the truth is, if either of us feels the need for a new experience, we'll bring it up beforehand and work it out. An extended affair would not be in the cards for either of us, we're incredibly socially insular as a couple, so I feel pretty confident in my "wouldn't want to know" vote.

 

[MushyMushy]

Okay, I have to ask...what could your SO not eat in front of you? I'm pretty tough on the cheating issue but I can't imagine one food that DH could eat that would upset me. I mean, he has a bizarre affection for liver and onions but as long as he's not cooking it in my house, we're good. He can eat it in front of me in a restaurant.

I think she means with another woman!

But my eyes popped at that first too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a freind who's brother knew her husband was cheating but did not say a word for almost 8 years. He was having an affair with a stripper Anyways she found out and was devestated, she had a lot of anger towards her brother of course and it has been 2 years since she found out about it and cannot move forward. She is always asking this question to me and our other girlfriend and we always tell her of course. They are still together, which I don't get, cause 8 years with stripper, the lord protected her from std's, I would have kicked his @@## to the curve!!!!! For the past 24 months, every single week she calls cause she is having a nervouse breakdown, every single week me and our other girlfreind rush to her side and listen, listen and listen, we love her to death, but she either needs to forgive or move on with her life because it is starting to effect her health and her bubbly personality is slowly drowing in a dark pit. I mean, what else can we do for her???? No man is worth it in my opinion, 8 years, I cannot get pass that.

That is because he may still be cheating more than likely and she wants to continue to hide the truth from herself.

Is she in counseling? That is really what you need to push her to. You can be friends, but you cannot be therapists.

Sounds like the brother did not tell her because he knew how fragile she was.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If my wife had a fling and she told me about it, it would verify the things that I know about, and love, in my wife:

* That she is human and capable of making mistakes
* That she loves me enough to be honest with me, even when it might hurt me, or her, or our marriage
* That she wants to continue our marriage based on mutual trust and respect, not a mountain of lies

I would hope that she would never allow herself to be placed in a situation that could lead to this level of temptation, but I know that life is complicated, and things happen that we do not intend.

I work hard to avoid these situations, and I hope that I never cheat, but I can not honestly say to anyone with complete certainty that I will never cheat. I say this knowing that my wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and that I love her more than life itself...

 

[cheverie]

They did went to couseling but did not go long enough. I think they only went for 4 sessions. No, her brother wasmjust getting money from her husband to keep quiet, when the husband did not pay up, he came out and spilled the beans. Oh and about the maybe ongoing cheating, well, he is probably because she wants to put gps system on his car and on his phone to track his every move, she says that if he gives her one more reason, she will get a divorce, but the thing is that he is not doing anything to save his marriage. He is never home, come home at about 8pm, but he has time to golf during the day and have breakfast, lunch and dinner at restuarants. So we just don't get why she is even married????

That is because he may still be cheating more than likely and she wants to continue to hide the truth from herself.

Is she in counseling? That is really what you need to push her to. You can be friends, but you cannot be therapists.

Sounds like the brother did not tell her because he knew how fragile she was.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Dh and I both feel any cheating is a deal breaker. I understand the concept of "it's only physical" but then I think, "So if it is only physical why didn't you say no?"

I have always said "If you cheat she better be good because it won't be me again".

I totally agree.

 

[Handbag Lady]

After really reading through these posts, it got me thinking.

What are the age ranges of the people who would forgive and move on and not forgive and kick out?

I am 40. When I was in my mid to late teens, the AIDS virus was just brand-spanking new to me and the world. My friends and I certainly were scared to death about it and other sexual diseases. It went from a "oh, you'd have to take medicine if you slept with a diseased person!" to "Omg, you can die if you sleep around." The group of kids just a few years older than us slept around a lot. Not so much for my generation.

This makes all the difference in my answer. It would be the end of our marriage because an affair would put my life at risk plus, I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again, as our marriage is based on trust and love. If he had an affair, I certainly wouldn't then trust him to use protection, either.

It isn't a matter if my love is strong enough to overlook an affair, it is that his love wasn't strong enough to not have one, knowing it is a deal breaker.

 

[Liberty Belle]

If it were just a one night stand, he used protection, and was absolutely sure it would never happen again, no I would not want to know. Otherwise, yes.

 

[Dis-appointed]

I honestly don't think a lot of us know what we would do if put in this situation. I've been married over half of my life and have spent most of my marriage saying I would never forgive infidelity. In the past year, my DH did some things that I consider unfaithful -- he does not, although he does think some of his actions crossed the line and that he caused harm and danger to our marriage. When put in this position, I found that things are not as black and white as I had always thought. I also discovered that I want to forgive him more than I want to leave him.

Yes, I wanted to know about these things and I would want to know about an affair, too.

 

[enchantingodin]

Okay, I have to ask...what could your SO not eat in front of you? I'm pretty tough on the cheating issue but I can't imagine one food that DH could eat that would upset me. I mean, he has a bizarre affection for liver and onions but as long as he's not cooking it in my house, we're good. He can eat it in front of me in a restaurant.

I think she means with another woman!

But my eyes popped at that first too.

No I actually mean eating FOOD. My husband has a lot of health problems due to emotionally overeating. It can be and is an addiction for many people (both him and I), just the same as smoking, drinking, under-eating, purging, or cutting is. Some people hide alcohol and some people hide candy bars. It all depends on the person. So what I'm saying is that if he say went to McDonald's for lunch one day and got a big 'ol greasy burger and fries, then didn't tell me. I would consider that hiding something/cheating. I know it sounds kinda funny. But his LIFE is at stake.

I mean sure we sometimes fall of the wagon and eat stuff we're not supposed to. But we make that decision together. And we try to do it in moderation (we'll split a pizza and each have a side salad instead of us both getting our own pizza for example) when we do eat "bad" food.

I would feel betrayed that he ate something like that on his own and hide it. But I would feel saddened too. Not only because he didn't feel like he could tell me about it. But also because that's one burger and fries closer to a heart attack. Know what I mean?

I guess I'm selfish and want him around as long as possible.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Sorry, enchantingodin...but if my partner told me what I could and couldn't eat, I'd consider him rather controlling and I definitely wouldn't tell him what I ate when he wasn't around. I guess your husband is fine with it, but I absolutely would not be. I wouldn't make an effort to hide it...I would simply tell him it was none of his business if he asked me what I had for lunch.

 

[teacups]

New question: Would you marry someone who told you "I hope I never cheat on you." Assuming this was told to you PRIOR to your marriage.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

New question: Would you marry someone who told you "I hope I never cheat on you." Assuming this was told to you PRIOR to your marriage.

Actually I did - DH and I had a conversation that was something like that prior to getting married 22 years ago. As far as I know he never has...

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

New question: Would you marry someone who told you "I hope I never cheat on you." Assuming this was told to you PRIOR to your marriage.

I'd have to know the reason he said that. If he had a history of cheating, no I wouldn't.

 

[MushyMushy]

New question: Would you marry someone who told you "I hope I never cheat on you." Assuming this was told to you PRIOR to your marriage.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I was the one worried I wouldn't be faithful when DH and I first got married. I never thought I would want that level of commitment and never expected to want to marry someone.

Once a cheater, always a cheater certainly doesn't apply to everyone. Absolutes usually aren't accurate anyway.

 

[Camicar]

Yes, I would want to be told.

Even if it was a one-night "slip" I would want to know so that I could file for divorce. I don't believe in slips, by the way.

My marriage is based on love and trust and monogamy. If either of us have an affair, the whole thing would be ruined and I would want out.

That.

I made it very clear to my dh long before the wedding, that any 'slips' or affairs would be his cowardly way of asking for a divorce. I further told him that if he asked for a divorce in that way not only would I divorce him, I would take his prized comic book collection, throw it into the driveway, soak it down with a hose, then drive my car over it until it was a pile of pulpy shreds, wait for it to dry out, then set it on fire. He knows full well I would do it too. Fear is a good thing.

So I've made the consequences quite clear.

Finally: To me or for me, forgiving an affair of any duration is a compromise and a sacrifice of my morals and self-respect and baby, if you don't have self respect, you've got nothing. I'd rather have no husband than no self-respect.

 

[enchantingodin]

Sorry, enchantingodin...but if my partner told me what I could and couldn't eat, I'd consider him rather controlling and I definitely wouldn't tell him what I ate when he wasn't around. I guess your husband is fine with it, but I absolutely would not be. I wouldn't make an effort to hide it...I would simply tell him it was none of his business if he asked me what I had for lunch.

You're completely missing the point. Imagine if you will that I reacted that way to the question about having an affair. If he "told" me I couldn't have sex with say a coworker, then I did, flaunted it, and told him it was none of his business. Or if he started smoking pot and told me it was none of my business, or if I started popping pain killers like candy to get through my hectic day and I told him it was none of his business, or... well I could go on and on. So would that be ok? No I didn't think so...

It's all about trust. He and I decided together to work on our eating habits. He in fact brought it up to me after some bad test results during a doctors appointment. Food is his drug of choice. Not meth, not vodka, not over spending, not cutting, not cigarettes. FOOD. So if me getting furious with him if (he has not btw) he fell off the wagon and cheated makes me controlling in your eyes - so be it. To me it's the same as if he'd cheated on me with another woman. Guess you just don't understand where I'm coming from.

 

[teacups]

That.

I made it very clear to my dh long before the wedding, that any 'slips' or affairs would be his cowardly way of asking for a divorce. I further told him that if he asked for a divorce in that way not only would I divorce him, I would take his prized comic book collection, throw it into the driveway, soak it down with a hose, then drive my car over it until it was a pile of pulpy shreds, wait for it to dry out, then set it on fire. He knows full well I would do it too. Fear is a good thing.

So I've made the consequences quite clear.

Finally: To me or for me, forgiving an affair of any duration is a compromise and a sacrifice of my morals and self-respect and baby, if you don't have self respect, you've got nothing. I'd rather have no husband than no self-respect.

I have three words for you:
I LIKE YOU!