Sorority Rush

[nugov2]

OP here...you're all, for the most part, being so supportive and thank you for that. As for the one PP who said we are in "snowflake mode" and suck it up, well, I guess you don't have a hurting child and that's fine. My kids aren't "snowflakes" by any stretch. They work hard, play hard, and typically don't get bogged down by pettiness. This just hit her very hard, AND hit at the time right when homesickness that freshman year hits, so it's kind of a double whammy.

I do agree...rush is some intricate process and one I really probably will never get. She wasn't high enough on their list, and that's ok. Hopefully this is all a blessing in disguise.

And I would never paint all sorority GIRLS with the same brush, but I do stand by my assertion that the RUSH part of a sorority does seem to encompass all the things we teach our children NOT to do or be. Sorry, but that's how it seems to the majority of people, even those who are Greek.

I posted before I saw your follow up, but I am confused by this? Rush is like a job interview. The first interviewer may love you, but when you go for your second interview the administrator/VP or whoever didn't love you as much so someone else got picked instead of you. How is that mean? The girls your dd met most likely did love her, but like others have said that doesn't mean you get picked because not enough others knew you and the spots were filled by other girls. I also think there are two sides to every story. Maybe your dd perceived things differently than they happened too. Either way it doesn't change the hurt she feels. I get what you are saying about this hitting at a bad time and feel for you/her, but I still don't think that means it is going against what we teach our children or is mean. As others have said, you don't always get what you want and that is what we should all be teaching our kids. This hurt will pass and she will make connections with some great people and she will see what an amazing place college is with or without a sorority.

 

[Pamlur]

The girls who loved and wanted your daughter were as disappointed as she was; they have feelings, too. They saw a future sister, and they didn't get her. The groups who invited your daughter back really saw a future sister, and when she rejected them, they were also disappointed and hurt.

While I was never in a sorority, I know a lot of young women who have been, and some who still are. The active members cry during rush, too. They pin their hopes on getting a particular new member, and sometimes their hopes get dashed.

I am so sorry your daughter is hurting, and I hope she makes friends with some of the sorority members and tries rush again. But please know that all the hurt isn't on one side of the membership "screen". The active members aren't smug and self-satisfied mean girls. They are live human beings who can also hurt because of the way it goes.

 

[LuvGoofy6]

OP, it is hard. I worried too when my daughter decided to rush. My daughter was very studious in high school and when she graduated she said her only regret was that she didn't get involved more in high school. When she left she said she was going to change that in college and try for a bid in a sorority. I was so worried about how she would feel being away from home just a week and possibly not get a bid. I was extremely excited when she received the bid to her first choice. It has been a great experience for her as she was able to line up a summer job and part-time job during the year thanks to a sorority sister. She puts in at least 20 hours/weekly of volunteer time and meetings. It has been one of her best decisions and so I hope your daughter tries again. My daughter's friend didn't get a bid to the same house and both my daughter and her friend felt she seemed to fit right in. Now, in hindsight my daughter tells me the sorority houses are working hard to get you to choose them but they can only take so many and would love to be able to take more after meeting all the wonderful girls. When I read your post to my daughter she said that it is too bad your daughter was told that they can't wait to see her~because during rush week her sorority isn't allowed to tell the girls that because it sounds too much like a verbal promise for a bid.

 

[LuvGoofy6]

The girls who loved and wanted your daughter were as disappointed as she was; they have feelings, too. They saw a future sister, and they didn't get her. The groups who invited your daughter back really saw a future sister, and when she rejected them, they were also disappointed and hurt.

While I was never in a sorority, I know a lot of young women who have been, and some who still are. The active members cry during rush, too. They pin their hopes on getting a particular new member, and sometimes their hopes get dashed.

I am so sorry your daughter is hurting, and I hope she makes friends with some of the sorority members and tries rush again. But please know that all the hurt isn't on one side of the membership "screen". The active members aren't smug and self-satisfied mean girls. They are live human beings who can also hurt because of the way it goes.

You summed this up perfectly from what I hear my daughter say. My daughter called and shared her disappointment that a girl she really wanted as a sister wasn't given a bid back the next day.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I posted before I saw your follow up, but I am confused by this? Rush is like a job interview. The first interviewer may love you, but when you go for your second interview the administrator/VP or whoever didn't love you as much so someone else got picked instead of you. How is that mean? The girls your dd met most likely did love her, but like others have said that doesn't mean you get picked because not enough others knew you and the spots were filled by other girls. I also think there are two sides to every story. Maybe your dd perceived things differently than they happened too. Either way it doesn't change the hurt she feels. I get what you are saying about this hitting at a bad time and feel for you/her, but I still don't think that means it is going against what we teach our children or is mean. As others have said, you don't always get what you want and that is what we should all be teaching our kids. This hurt will pass and she will make connections with some great people and she will see what an amazing place college is with or without a sorority.

Never have I gone on a job interview that was anything remotely close to the rush experience.

That said--OP just has a misunderstanding that--face it, has some credence to it. While the rest is lack of knowledge of the limitations of the process.

My chapter of my sorority was mocked for having overweight girls in it and that reflector in the nickname mocking our letters. Perhaps it is different at other universities, but let us not kid ourselves that there is a certain amount of vanity in this process and that some chapters are looking to fill molds. By looking at our chapter roster photos, lots of "not ideal" girls. But the. You would look at the "popular" sororities on campus, the girls had more of that "ideal" appearance. And that certainly plays into the rush experience.


That said--OP should not foster the animosity if her daughter is feeling any of that. It does not bode well for self esteem. (To clarify--she shouldn't dwell and focus on the negative as Rhee is no way to know why a bid was not extended. Just something to move on from.)

 

[charabby]

Never have I gone on a job interview that was anything remotely close to the rush experience.

I have the opposite reaction. This process sounds so much like a job interview to me. But the membership is sold as "friendship", making the rejection feel pretty personal. Because in other venues, if I met someone and liked them and wanted to be "sisters", it doesn't matter of the majority of my existing "sisters" agree. At least that's what leaves a bad taste in my mouth about sororities - 'we're lifelong friends...but first the majority of us had to agree that the others were acceptable'

Yes, I realize people have friends outside of the Greek system. But I have to doubt that many of them are rejected pledges (rushers? whatever they are called).

 

[Pamlur]

never mind.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I have the opposite reaction. This process sounds so much like a job interview to me. But the membership is sold as "friendship", making the rejection feel pretty personal. Because in other venues, if I met someone and liked them and wanted to be "sisters", it doesn't matter of the majority of my existing "sisters" agree. At least that's what leaves a bad taste in my mouth about sororities - 'we're lifelong friends...but first the majority of us had to agree that the others were acceptable'

Yes, I realize people have friends outside of the Greek system. But I have to doubt that many of them are rejected pledges (rushers? whatever they are called).

Independents is what we called then was in school. That was for anyone who wasn't Greek whether or not they has ever rushed the Greek system.

Like a job interview---some people have been very liked. But sometimes , there was just a better candidate for that position. Didn't mean you weren't a good fit. Just that for one coveted slot, it ended up they really liked this other candidate better. That's a positive spin to it because sometimes, it is just that.

 

[StephMK]

My DD had a very up & down experience during rush week. She did not think she'd end up joining but wanted to complete the process. The very last day, she just really clicked with a certain group that had not previously been her favorite. I think a lot depending on which girls you talk to during the process.

My DD would agree w/the others who say it's not much easier on the other side. They put a lot of work and time into the rush process and it's very stressful. DD hates that she knows how those girls feel. You have to worry about the impressions that you are trying to make yourself and determine from impressions who girls really are.

She has taken on leadership roles in hers and it has been a very positive experience. I never joined one and had a very fun college experience and sister like friends so I think kids can be happy either way.

to your DD. It's a tough experience either way.

 

[nugov2]

Never have I gone on a job interview that was anything remotely close to the rush experience.

That said--OP just has a misunderstanding that--face it, has some credence to it. While the rest is lack of knowledge of the limitations of the process.

My chapter of my sorority was mocked for having overweight girls in it and that reflector in the nickname mocking our letters. Perhaps it is different at other universities, but let us not kid ourselves that there is a certain amount of vanity in this process and that some chapters are looking to fill molds. By looking at our chapter roster photos, lots of "not ideal" girls. But the. You would look at the "popular" sororities on campus, the girls had more of that "ideal" appearance. And that certainly plays into the rush experience.


That said--OP should not foster the animosity if her daughter is feeling any of that. It does not bode well for self esteem. (To clarify--she shouldn't dwell and focus on the negative as Rhee is no way to know why a bid was not extended. Just something to move on from.)

Hmmm, on my job interviews the following happens:

I am asked questions about me
I am asked questions about what I would offer the school district/classroom and how I would make it a better place/environment
I am brought on a tour of the school
I am introduced to other employees of the school
I am called back on another day to formally interview with other employees(higher ups in the company...or in my specific case up to 10 teachers and parents from the district)
After I leave they discuss my pros and cons and what I will bring to the company that makes my valuable
I am either offered the job or it goes to someone else


Now when I rushed a sorority house the exact same things happen only replace company/district and employee with sorority house and sorority sister. It seems to be pretty much identical except that it is more people making the decision in a sorority. I am sure not every interview process is the same, but I am pretty sure interviewing for teaching jobs is about 99% the same.

 

[Kewz1]

My daughter is in her third year of college. She rushed freshmen year and what a couple of days that was. I'm pretty sure I was more stressed than she was. She did make it in but dropped out after a year. It just wasn't her cup of tea.

So sorry that your daughter is hurting. Sometimes the whole sorority thing just isn't what it's cracked up to be. Her college years can still be rewarding. Hopefully she cheers up soon.

Kristen

 

[Vernie822]

I read through almost every response however i would also like to add my two cents. I was in a sorority. This month marks 5 years since I joined (graduated college in fall 2012).

My opinion is this- you're not paying for your friends. Sorry that you feel that way but until you're really immersed in sisterhood you just don't understand it. I was part of an organization that raised tens of thousands of dollars for charity each year. We held events for the student body and for our chapter to get to know each other. We competed in Greek week as a fun event for the entire Greek community. And yes, we paid dues, but these dues allowed us to be part of something bigger than ourselves. It was there I learned to be a leader, to run an organization, and many other things.

I joined as a freshman. Most schools don't allow you to go to recruitment until your second semester of sophomore year but ours allowed it as a first semester freshman. Honestly, I was ready to transfer. I loved my program, but I just hadn't found the right group of friends yet. Attending recruitment allowed me to meet so many girls from different places with different majors. It was there I met my "big" and 3 other closest friends from college, as well as countless other Greek friends.

In recruitment, we are only allowed to take so many new girls, as each chapter has a "total" amount. If our chapter only lost a few members to graduation, but another lost twice as many, they may be able to take many more recruits than we would. I doubt these girls were being mean and catty towards your daughter. Like others have said, chances are, they just didn't have the numbers to be able to take her.

A similar situation happened to a family friend. She tried to join my sorority at a different school, and they couldn't take her either. She ended up waiting a semester and choosing a different sorority- she fits in great there. I might suggest that your DD wait until next semester. As a freshman, it's so difficult to get to know campus and your new college life, as well as add in the stress of recruitment. It may be a little easier once she is more familiar with college life and the organizations come spring or next fall.

Also- please don't think it's like it is in the movies. Sororities and fraternities aren't here to party, hook up, and be mean to each other. That's hardly the way it works.

 

[asta]

I am so sorry that your daughter is going through this. It is never easy to see our children hurting. I have two daughters who went through rush at a big university with a very active Greek system. I thought it was the hardest thing ever! Those girls have to look good, smile, make quick small talk, spend long days and then deal with intense rejection while others ecstatically celebrate. I could never have endured that. You have to be a tough person to deal with that.

If it makes you and your daughter feel better I can tell you that a lot of those girls getting bids to the selective houses were probably already known to active girls in those houses. Both of my daughters were rush officers and both would tell you that you need an active girl pulling for you. That is the single best thing that you can do to get a bid. This connection is much more important than reference letters. At a big state school many girls have connections with an active from their high school or someone helps them make that connection. It is much more about those connections than it is about rejection of your daughter.

I hope this makes your daughter feel better. You have received great advice about other alternatives. If she still feels like going Greek, she might try making friends with girls already in a sorority she likes and trying again.

 

[lillygator]

I was in a sorority. I did not do formal rush. But I did a late rush as the sorority I joined did not get even close enough to enough new pledges. When I was in school, pledge classes were capped. So if they loved 75 girls, they could only accept 50. The more popular sororities would have more wiggle room to be selective, where my hurting sorority would invite as many as they could and still it get enough.

I would NOT take this personally, though it is difficult not to. Yes fake crap goes on, but in the end, at my school, I'm pretty sure they were limited and I think the number may have been 50 pledges. But so long I just don't remember.

That said--awesome that she decided to drop when her desired sororities did not bid her. As much as you are trying to convince them to bid you, they are also working to convince you they are a bid worth accepting.

In hindsight, I should have never joined. My chapter closed at the end of the year and I was not eligible to join something else. I was a sister for a whopping 6 months.

Service fraternal organizations are worth while And there are also some academic fraternities for some degrees. My husband was in one, though quite honestly they were just as bad if not worse than the regular Greek system.

Always wise to proceed with discretion. I will say that at UF, the Greek system is infiltrated into Student government, homecoming, and the honor societies. It can be quite difficult to go those routes for leadership when you aren't Greek. It isn't impossible. But it is irritating.

were you in a sorority at UF? mine isn't there anymore and I should have probably not accepted the bid and waiting until the next year or took a snap bid later on.

 

[Happy Snowman]

I read through almost every response however i would also like to add my two cents. I was in a sorority. This month marks 5 years since I joined (graduated college in fall 2012).

My opinion is this- you're not paying for your friends. Sorry that you feel that way but until you're really immersed in sisterhood you just don't understand it. I was part of an organization that raised tens of thousands of dollars for charity each year. We held events for the student body and for our chapter to get to know each other. We competed in Greek week as a fun event for the entire Greek community. And yes, we paid dues, but these dues allowed us to be part of something bigger than ourselves. It was there I learned to be a leader, to run an organization, and many other things.

I joined as a freshman. Most schools don't allow you to go to recruitment until your second semester of sophomore year but ours allowed it as a first semester freshman. Honestly, I was ready to transfer. I loved my program, but I just hadn't found the right group of friends yet. Attending recruitment allowed me to meet so many girls from different places with different majors. It was there I met my "big" and 3 other closest friends from college, as well as countless other Greek friends.

In recruitment, we are only allowed to take so many new girls, as each chapter has a "total" amount. If our chapter only lost a few members to graduation, but another lost twice as many, they may be able to take many more recruits than we would. I doubt these girls were being mean and catty towards your daughter. Like others have said, chances are, they just didn't have the numbers to be able to take her.

A similar situation happened to a family friend. She tried to join my sorority at a different school, and they couldn't take her either. She ended up waiting a semester and choosing a different sorority- she fits in great there. I might suggest that your DD wait until next semester. As a freshman, it's so difficult to get to know campus and your new college life, as well as add in the stress of recruitment. It may be a little easier once she is more familiar with college life and the organizations come spring or next fall.

Also- please don't think it's like it is in the movies. Sororities and fraternities aren't here to party, hook up, and be mean to each other. That's hardly the way it works.

Based on my experience and the experience of almost all of our friends and acquaintances with college students, almost every college does rush for freshman year....and most, while they may do some fundraising, do not exist for that purpose. It's great they your chapter was, but that is NOT the norm...

 

[HM]

None of her favorites invited her back...this after being assured they loved her, wanted her, and couldn't wait to see her again!!

What the heck?! Since it has to be a mutual decision, she decided to walk away from the whole thing because she knew she did not want to be a part of a sorority "just because". She didn't feel the two left were what she wanted, so she walked away and I'm proud of her for that. But she still has so many unanswered questions that no one will probably ever answer. She is crushed, devastated, sad, and wants to pack it all up and just come home. It may sound trivial to some, and I have to say I would have to agree except it's my DD hurting and I can't help her - nothing I say makes her feel better. It's just out and out rejection in the purest form.

I am so sorry. I hope your DD finds some other venues at school to spend her time and energy on.

Sorority Recruitment is a tough tough time for a lot of girls these days. There is a quota and scoring system used in each house that actually determines who ends up with bids. They may love a girl but are unable to offer her a bid because too many other girls scored higher in the system. Whoever her guide through the system was, should have talked to her about that (we called them Pi Chis, at my DDs school they are Rho Chis....).

I can tell you that 33 years ago, I didn't get invited to join my favorite house. I decided to go ahead and take the bid of my second choice. It felt weird walking up to that house that first day since I had seen myself walking to a different one. They ended up being a perfect fit for me and I still enjoy keeping up with my sisters and I am still involved with the sorority as an adult. I went through as a sophomore.

 

[Ginny Favers]

I went through the whole sorority thing even though I am NOT sorority material because all my friends in my dorm were doing it, and I didn't want to be left out.

It turned out to be the most humbling and horrible social experience of my life. As someone who is shy and not very social, I have never felt so judged and on display in my life. They looked at your shoes, your clothes, your hair, EVERYTHING that really doesn't matter in a person. In my opinion, there wasn't a single genuine or original person in the place. And I can't fake respect for people like that.

I ended up being dropped by every sorority but one before bid day, which is probably the best thing that happened to me. The one that kept me, I entertained the idea of joining, and even stayed in the house for a semester to determine if it was for me, but decided it wasn't. In my opinion, you are paying for friends, and that kind was not worth the price. This is just my opinion so sorority sisters can slam me all they want... but I consider it a very high compliment not to be sorority material.

 

[castleview]

Good for your daughter. Sororities are a silly relic.

 

[LBIJim]

After I quit the sorority I became a little sister in a fraternity. Way less demanding and I met a super guy I ended up dating for five years! This too shall pass!

That's exactly what I was going to suggest after reading the OP. Look into becoming a Little Sister at a frat. She can devote as little or as much time as she likes can can experience Greek life on her own terms.

 

[ariel71]

You can't really discuss the Greek system in generalities. It's going to be a vastly different experience depending on the school, the sorority, and the individual. There can be a lot of positives to Greek life, just as there can be negatives. My two closest friends to this day, twenty years later, were fellow sisters.

The Penn State Dance Marathon is the largest student-run philanthropy in the world, and historically the Greek chapters are the biggest fundraisers. Just an example, since someone commented that chapters raising money are "few and far between"...

OP, I'm sorry your daughter didn't have a good experience. I certainly remember some very heated discussions during the selection process. Some of the people I fought for just didn't have enough support compared to other rushees. Sometimes it's who you know, sometimes it's just a numbers game.