Sorority Rush

[SLK1]

I was not a Greek in college; DH was. DD goes off to college and decides she will try it out, much to my dismay. In my mind, it's paying for people to be your friend.

Anyway, she went in very open-minded and not quite sure what would happen. By day 2, when she got invited back to all the sororities, she was so excited to be in a sorority and it all looked promising. She had her favorites picked and was looking forward to Bid Day. So the day before Bid Day, when you get your final two sororities that want you, she was completely blind-sided. None of her favorites invited her back...this after being assured they loved her, wanted her, and couldn't wait to see her again!!

What the heck?! Since it has to be a mutual decision, she decided to walk away from the whole thing because she knew she did not want to be a part of a sorority "just because". She didn't feel the two left were what she wanted, so she walked away and I'm proud of her for that. But she still has so many unanswered questions that no one will probably ever answer. She is crushed, devastated, sad, and wants to pack it all up and just come home. It may sound trivial to some, and I have to say I would have to agree except it's my DD hurting and I can't help her - nothing I say makes her feel better. It's just out and out rejection in the purest form.

It seems that all the things we teach our children NOT to do in middle/high school - don't judge, don't be mean, don't lie, don't be phony - all come roaring back in college in the form of sorority rush. She's obviously bitter, and I think she has every right to feel that way. I just hope that with time, she will move on and make true friends that don't plaster some letters across their chests (can you tell I'm bitter too?!?). So hard to see your kids hurting.

 

[WDWJDS]

I understand your frustration. I don't have an opinion about whether to rush or not, but think about it this way - the sororities may very well have loved ur DD and gushed over her. But there may have been other girls that they loved a little more, and they can only take so many each year. Doesn't mean they weren't sincere in their gushing.

 

[kmb584]

It seems that all the things we teach our children NOT to do in middle/high school - don't judge, don't be mean, don't lie, don't be phony - all come roaring back in college in the form of sorority rush.

I think you summed up sorority life nicely right there. So sorry for your DD.

 

[Happy Snowman]

Our kids wanted no part of Greek life and I have to agree with you, it goes against everything we've taught our kids about being good people. I know there are plenty that will tell you otherwise, but from everything I've heard, read, been told, it's just all about wearing the right clothing, having the right purse, posing the right way for photos, etc, and is really nothing of substance. I know of a couple chapters at a couple schools that were not like that, but those are few and far between. There are parts of the country, however, that whatever Greek you belonged to will define your future career prospects, so...some people must take part I guess.

 

[tcufrog]

If she wants the fraternal experience without all of the BS have her check into a fraternity or sorority that isn't part of the Greek system such as Alpha Phi Omega. Alpha Phi Omega is a coed service fraternity that my husband and I joined in college. There's Greek letters, pledging, a secret handshake, etc but you decide whether you want to join, they don't. We had a lot of fun and no one cared whether you had the latest fashions or not. It was also way cheaper than the Greek system.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I was not a Greek in college; DH was. DD goes off to college and decides she will try it out, much to my dismay. In my mind, it's paying for people to be your friend.

Anyway, she went in very open-minded and not quite sure what would happen. By day 2, when she got invited back to all the sororities, she was so excited to be in a sorority and it all looked promising. She had her favorites picked and was looking forward to Bid Day. So the day before Bid Day, when you get your final two sororities that want you, she was completely blind-sided. None of her favorites invited her back...this after being assured they loved her, wanted her, and couldn't wait to see her again!!

What the heck?! Since it has to be a mutual decision, she decided to walk away from the whole thing because she knew she did not want to be a part of a sorority "just because". She didn't feel the two left were what she wanted, so she walked away and I'm proud of her for that. But she still has so many unanswered questions that no one will probably ever answer. She is crushed, devastated, sad, and wants to pack it all up and just come home. It may sound trivial to some, and I have to say I would have to agree except it's my DD hurting and I can't help her - nothing I say makes her feel better. It's just out and out rejection in the purest form.

It seems that all the things we teach our children NOT to do in middle/high school - don't judge, don't be mean, don't lie, don't be phony - all come roaring back in college in the form of sorority rush. She's obviously bitter, and I think she has every right to feel that way. I just hope that with time, she will move on and make true friends that don't plaster some letters across their chests (can you tell I'm bitter too?!?). So hard to see your kids hurting.

I was in a sorority. I did not do formal rush. But I did a late rush as the sorority I joined did not get even close enough to enough new pledges. When I was in school, pledge classes were capped. So if they loved 75 girls, they could only accept 50. The more popular sororities would have more wiggle room to be selective, where my hurting sorority would invite as many as they could and still it get enough.

I would NOT take this personally, though it is difficult not to. Yes fake crap goes on, but in the end, at my school, I'm pretty sure they were limited and I think the number may have been 50 pledges. But so long I just don't remember.

That said--awesome that she decided to drop when her desired sororities did not bid her. As much as you are trying to convince them to bid you, they are also working to convince you they are a bid worth accepting.

In hindsight, I should have never joined. My chapter closed at the end of the year and I was not eligible to join something else. I was a sister for a whopping 6 months.

Service fraternal organizations are worth while And there are also some academic fraternities for some degrees. My husband was in one, though quite honestly they were just as bad if not worse than the regular Greek system.

Always wise to proceed with discretion. I will say that at UF, the Greek system is infiltrated into Student government, homecoming, and the honor societies. It can be quite difficult to go those routes for leadership when you aren't Greek. It isn't impossible. But it is irritating.

 

[Andrea464]

Have her check out the service groups. I was a member of Gamma Sigma Sigma, a service sorority. We could throw down with the rest of them, but we had high levels of community service that was required.

 

[leebee]

I'm sorry this happened to your daughter. I understand your bitterness; it's always hard when our kids are hurt.

There are often reasons beyond a girl's control in who gets a bid and who doesn't, regardless of what she might have seen on the surface. ALL sisters vote on potential new members, and even though your DD might have felt they loved her and she loved them, perhaps there weren't enough sisters who felt they knew her well enough… or there were more that many felt they knew better. It's not always a "we like her/don't like her" kind of thing. It's more of a "how many sisters did you meet/talk to who remember you well enough" situation. It's hard to explain, but not knowing enough sisters overall, coupled with a cap on the number of bids they are allowed to give, make for some sad times.

It's unfortunate that people have a negative impression of sororities in general. My DD is enjoying her experiences with being a member, and it's NOT all about having the best clothes, cars, boyfriends, and drinking, at least not here. While I don't think she's made any "lifelong sisters" or friendships that will extend too far beyond her college years, she's enjoyed the philanthropic and social aspects of belonging to a girls' club. At her university, the sororities do not have chapter houses; everyone lives in whatever dorm the university assigns them to, and it's random. Maybe that helps make it more like a club and less like a cult? I don't know… but she is happy with her decision.

I really am sorry that your daughter is so hurt. I do think she made the right decision in not pledging; it really should be a mutual decision between the sorority and the girl, and not something anyone does just to belong somewhere. We all know that like most things, this will pass, but it's certainly painful to see your daughter so unhappy. If it's any consolation, I was in her shoes in college, and I remember how much it hurt- but I found other things to become involved in that were more "me" than being in a sorority would have been. I'm sorry she is going through this.

 

[cvjw]

I was in a sorority in college and loved every minute of it. My DS just went thru fraternity rush at UGA. He had one fraternity picked out that he wanted to join, but in the end, they told him they did not have a bid for him.

Sororities and fraternities only have so many bids to give out. When you factor in legacies (potential recruits who had a parent or sibling in a certain fraternity/sorority) and rushing friends of current members, there may not be alot of spaces left for the outsiders.

It is just the way it is. It was that way 25 years ago when I rushed and is still that way today.

My DS took it in stride and decided to try out for the rowing team instead. I was very proud of the way he handled it.

Instead of being angry and hurt, tell her to funnel her energies elsewhere. There are lots and lots of other social opportunities at college. If she still wants to join a sorority, have her get to know some of the girls during this school year, and maybe rush again next year.

 

[Pamlur]

Those girls didn't lie to her; they did love her and want her back. Unfortunately, a larger group loved and wanted different girls, and majority rules. She could have been on their "want" list, but not far enough up on it to get the next invitation. The two that invited her back had her farther up on the list. From what I have read (was never in a sorority, but I am an information junkie on all kinds of stuff), membership selection is a complicated and highly secret thing.

 

[jodifla]

I was not a Greek in college; DH was. DD goes off to college and decides she will try it out, much to my dismay. In my mind, it's paying for people to be your friend.

Anyway, she went in very open-minded and not quite sure what would happen. By day 2, when she got invited back to all the sororities, she was so excited to be in a sorority and it all looked promising. She had her favorites picked and was looking forward to Bid Day. So the day before Bid Day, when you get your final two sororities that want you, she was completely blind-sided. None of her favorites invited her back...this after being assured they loved her, wanted her, and couldn't wait to see her again!!

What the heck?! Since it has to be a mutual decision, she decided to walk away from the whole thing because she knew she did not want to be a part of a sorority "just because". She didn't feel the two left were what she wanted, so she walked away and I'm proud of her for that. But she still has so many unanswered questions that no one will probably ever answer. She is crushed, devastated, sad, and wants to pack it all up and just come home. It may sound trivial to some, and I have to say I would have to agree except it's my DD hurting and I can't help her - nothing I say makes her feel better. It's just out and out rejection in the purest form.

It seems that all the things we teach our children NOT to do in middle/high school - don't judge, don't be mean, don't lie, don't be phony - all come roaring back in college in the form of sorority rush. She's obviously bitter, and I think she has every right to feel that way. I just hope that with time, she will move on and make true friends that don't plaster some letters across their chests (can you tell I'm bitter too?!?). So hard to see your kids hurting.

I'm sorry your daughter is hurting. Rejection is no fun.

But you're jumping to a lot of conclusions here. First of all, sororities are told how many members they can take. It's not up to them. So yes, they could have been very enthusiastic about your daughter, but didn't have enough slots to take her. On some campuses, sororities can't even take all the legacies that come through; there are literally more girls going throughh with mothers and grandmothers in that sorority than there are sorority members at the school.

I was in a sorority, and it wasn't remotely about the right clothes or looks, etc. My sorority contacts still benefit me to this day, and whenever I move to a new town, I have a built-in network of women to help me integrate into the area. I'm still friends with many girls in my chapter, and some of them are my best friends.

Your daughter was right not to settle. Oftentimes there are later, more informal rushes, and your daughter might find a good fit there.

 

[Sabeking]

I'm sorry for your DD! I agree with an earlier poster who talked about the cap. I was in a sorority for awhile but ended up leaving because of the demand on my schedule. It was constant...study hall, volunteering, mixers, etc... I enjoyed my personal time too much and wanted more control over my day to day schedule. Honestly I know this doesn't feel good but if they did not want her for whatever reason it is better to know now and she needs to look at it that they did not fit for her. There is a reason and she is meant to do something better for her!!!

After I quit the sorority I became a little sister in a fraternity. Way less demanding and I met a super guy I ended up dating for five years! This too shall pass!

 

[MickeySP]

Those girls didn't lie to her; they did love her and want her back. Unfortunately, a larger group loved and wanted different girls, and majority rules. She could have been on their "want" list, but not far enough up on it to get the next invitation. The two that invited her back had her farther up on the list. From what I have read (was never in a sorority, but I am an information junkie on all kinds of stuff), membership selection is a complicated and highly secret thing.

ITA. Just because you don't get picked does not mean it is all mean girls. If she doesn't get a job after a couple call backs does that mean the employer is being mean. Not always getting picked is part of life, this generation needs to get out of snowflake mode fast. The reality is you don't always get picked, get the job, make the team or get the promotion - suck it up, it is life.

I loved my sorority & have lasting close friendships to this day.

 

[Ceila]

OP, I am truly sorry that your daughter is hurting. You have received some very good advice and information already, so I won't comment on that.

What I will say is that those who are painting every sorority member with the same "mean girl" brush are the ones who are actually acting like middle schoolers.

 

[SLK1]

OP here...you're all, for the most part, being so supportive and thank you for that. As for the one PP who said we are in "snowflake mode" and suck it up, well, I guess you don't have a hurting child and that's fine. My kids aren't "snowflakes" by any stretch. They work hard, play hard, and typically don't get bogged down by pettiness. This just hit her very hard, AND hit at the time right when homesickness that freshman year hits, so it's kind of a double whammy.

I do agree...rush is some intricate process and one I really probably will never get. She wasn't high enough on their list, and that's ok. Hopefully this is all a blessing in disguise.

And I would never paint all sorority GIRLS with the same brush, but I do stand by my assertion that the RUSH part of a sorority does seem to encompass all the things we teach our children NOT to do or be. Sorry, but that's how it seems to the majority of people, even those who are Greek.

 

[Ceila]

And I would never paint all sorority GIRLS with the same brush, but I do stand by my assertion that the RUSH part of a sorority does seem to encompass all the things we teach our children NOT to do or be. Sorry, but that's how it seems to the majority of people, even those who are Greek.

My comment was not directed to you.

 

[clarabelle]

Also remember that you are hearing the worst of it.
You are a safe place to vent.
My D is a sophomore in college and is not in a sorority. Sometimes she will call me and complain about something and I will worry over it for hours -and she forgot it ten minutes after she told me.

I keep telling myself that I can't smooth every pathway and that it isn't good for her to not have some battles to fight -but I still worry just like you -because we love them so much.

 

[MickeySP]

OP here...you're all, for the most part, being so supportive and thank you for that. As for the one PP who said we are in "snowflake mode" and suck it up, well, I guess you don't have a hurting child and that's fine. My kids aren't "snowflakes" by any stretch. They work hard, play hard, and typically don't get bogged down by pettiness. This just hit her very hard, AND hit at the time right when homesickness that freshman year hits, so it's kind of a double whammy.

I do agree...rush is some intricate process and one I really probably will never get. She wasn't high enough on their list, and that's ok. Hopefully this is all a blessing in disguise.

And I would never paint all sorority GIRLS with the same brush, but I do stand by my assertion that the RUSH part of a sorority does seem to encompass all the things we teach our children NOT to do or be. Sorry, but that's how it seems to the majority of people, even those who are Greek.

OMG you are so wrong My DS played competitive sports & is in music industry so I know not getting the job, team etc... I did not tell him they were "mean" He played college ball and went from king of the HS hill to bottom of the freshman pack. It is life!!!

You know I believe it is a blessing in disguise,if she is this broken up after not getting what she wants - now is she mean for rejecting the ones who wanted her in their sorority? She would never survive pledge process.

I firmly believe it changed when we started giving every child a trophy, and instead of the winner is.. - the emmy goes to. Hurt feelings are apart of the world - feel for her but . She will not always be the winner

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

OMG you are so wrong My DS played competitive sports & is in music industry so I know not getting the job, team etc... I did not tell him they were "mean" He played college ball and went from king of the HS hill to bottom of the freshman pack. It is life!!!

You know I believe it is a blessing in disguise,if she is this broken up after not getting what she wants - now is she mean for rejecting the ones who wanted her in their sorority? She would never survive pledge process.

I firmly believe it changed when we started giving every child a trophy, and instead of the winner is.. - the emmy goes to. Hurt feelings are apart of the world - feel for her but . She will not always be the winner

Why on earth would it be "mean"'to decline a pledge invitation.

Girls cried when I was in school 20 years ago. If you have your heart set on something and it all seemed like it would be a sure thing, how would you not be disappointed? Being upset over a rejection is not in any way indicative that she "would not survive the pledge process". Unless you condone hazing. I'm grateful that my pledge process was not like that.

No--it all changed when sororities began and recruited girls based on appearances and fitting their "ideal". That existed long before trophies for showing up.

Having been in the Greek system--it should not be a shock that they can be mean. It doesn't mean that happened here. But as OP has never rushed herself, it would seem that if you had the inside scoop that you could set her straight without insulting her parenting. Were you in a sorority by chance?

 

[nugov2]

I'm sorry your daughter is hurting. Rejection is no fun.

But you're jumping to a lot of conclusions here. First of all, sororities are told how many members they can take. It's not up to them. So yes, they could have been very enthusiastic about your daughter, but didn't have enough slots to take her. On some campuses, sororities can't even take all the legacies that come through; there are literally more girls going throughh with mothers and grandmothers in that sorority than there are sorority members at the school.

I was in a sorority, and it wasn't remotely about the right clothes or looks, etc. My sorority contacts still benefit me to this day, and whenever I move to a new town, I have a built-in network of women to help me integrate into the area. I'm still friends with many girls in my chapter, and some of them are my best friends.

Your daughter was right not to settle. Oftentimes there are later, more informal rushes, and your daughter might find a good fit there.

ITA with everything you have said, but really recommend the bold part. The limits they put on during formal rush probably are why she didn't get a bid. I'd go through informal rush and give it another try. I loved my sorority and while there were HS moments, they were no more frequent than the HS moments I still go through at sports for my kids or at the school PTA etc. All of life is going to be filled with them and people who thrive on them. You will never get away from them even if you aren't in a sorority. Being in one was one of the best times I had and we didn't care about the specific look or purse. It was more if you were fun. We did have a reputation on campus as partiers even though we had high academic standards and were very philanthropic, but we liked to have a good time too!!