Some Ramblings About Raising Teens (I Need Some Help)

[Christine]

Thats my son, too.

And, did you notice she's awfully nice when she wants something, and becomes downright rude if you ask her to do anything??? Thats my son, too.

I even got him out of bed one evening, to pick up a wrapper he had left on the ottoman. He wasnt yet asleep - just laying there watching TV. That &^%&*^% had the nerve to say "why cant YOU do it????"

AHHHH! The veins in my forehead popped out and I believe I blew a few blood vessels in my brain from that one.

Yes, sounds just like my DD. Let's make sure those two never meet--I'm not sure they'd ever be able to get out of the house.

 

[minkydog]

I feel your pain. My kids were way more helpful at ages 8-10 than they are now at almost 13 & 19. Well, i take that back, the 19yo is staring to help again so all is not lost.

Your dd is perfectly capable of making those decisions and right now her decision is to be a materialistic as possible, right along with about 80% of the other 14yo girls. I solved some of that by refusing to buy all that stuff<insert lots of whining and begging here> DD12 has to save money to buy her Limited,Too fashions except for those times that I deem it okay, like Christmas or when teh bathing suits come out(they have really good suits with good coverage and padding--not cheap, but well constructed). She has learned to love hand-me-down clothes, but she can't get enough shopping. As for school...

Try not to take it personally. It's not your fault, it's hers.

 

[jlaspoq]

You probably hit the nail on the head with the drama thing. It's hard when they get to high school to maintain a recreational interest in something if they lack certain skills. (Sports is a classic example - my kids loved basketball til they got to middle school and it got competitive. They just weren't good enough. Now they only shoot hoops in the driveway.) She just may need some time to discover a real interest other than social ones. Maybe you should get her into some sort of community service - our high school gives recognition for 200 hours of community service during the 4 years. Good to see that others are less fortunate..... could be good for the budding "materialism".

 

[CathrynRose]

Have you had her to a doctor lately? Is she possibly depressed? She seems to be giving up things she loves (acting) It could be a hormone imbalance. I would have her checked out just on the chance that there is something physically or mentally wrong.

I hope Christine doesnt mind me answering this....

Nope - just lazy. Not depressed. My son, for instance, has plenty of motivation for outings with friends, social gatherings, phone calls, PlayStation Games, etc, etc...

 

[Christine]

Have you had her to a doctor lately? Is she possibly depressed? She seems to be giving up things she loves (acting) It could be a hormone imbalance. I would have her checked out just on the chance that there is something physically or mentally wrong.

I'm pretty sure this is not it. I've probably given off the wrong "tone" in this thread. She is very upbeat and happy. And nothing has happened suddenly. It has just all evolved over the years to a point that is irritating me. And now that she's not a child anymore, I'm "pushing" her to be more independent and that's where the friction comes.

The drama thing, I think may be a lack of confidence that I hope comes back as she gets to a higher grade level (hardly ANY of the freshman get parts).

 

[jlaspoq]

I feel your pain. My kids were way more helpful at ages 8-10 than they are now at almost 13 & 19. Well, i take that back, the 19yo is staring to help again so all is not lost.

Your dd is perfectly capable of making those decisions and right now her decision is to be a materialistic as possible, right along with about 80% of the other 14yo girls. I solved some of that by refusing to buy all that stuff<insert lots of whining and begging here> DD12 has to save money to buy her Limited,Too fashions except for those times that I deem it okay, like Christmas or when teh bathing suits come out(they have really good suits with good coverage and padding--not cheap, but well constructed). She has learned to love hand-me-down clothes, but she can't get enough shopping. As for school...

Try not to take it personally. It's not your fault, it's hers.

Well said - especially the last part!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

It seems like you are doing what you can. I'm not one to give much advice in this department since I'm struggling with my own teen. I'll get to the point that I really think that my 15yo needs some outside help and then he'll act fine and then I'll think that it's all in my imagination. My son is so unlike his sister was at this age, but they are very different children so I try not to compare. But how do I know what normal is? Can you tell that we've had one of those weekends?

My son doesn't want to help much around the house, but he knows that he has to if he's going to have time on the computer, tv time, etc. So all his privileges are tied to his chores. He doesn't get paid for chores and at his age he doesn't get allowance since he is old enough to babysit, etc and earn some spending $ (and we have neighbors who call for babysitting so it's not difficult to get jobs).

I buy the basics as far as clothes, but if he were to want the expensive stuff he would have to buy them (he doesn't, but his sister used to). He does like a lot of electronics and has to save his money to buy that, but in general, he saves most of the money that he earns. He sees how cash poor his sister is in college and he's trying to save most of his money for his college years.

With his, most of his problems come with doing homework, getting enough sleep, temper, and attitude.

 

[mamacatnv]

Well, last night in Nordstrom we were having a "discussion" over a pair of Joe's Jeans (reduced to $70). She really wanted them...BAD. I said that I just couldn't, in good conscience, buy her a pair of $70 jeans when she hadn't done anything at home, had so-so grades, and didn't even try to help out. She asked me "what can I do to get them." I said "You tell me--tell me what you can do to help out and earn these jeans?" She said "I guess nothing really." So she hung the jeans up and we left the store. I couldn't even motivate her with that.

I think this may be an opportunity to sit down with DD and discuss goals and how to get them. She wanted the jeans, but didn't really know how to go about the negotiations to get them. These are learned skills and throw in the natural laziness of a teen they really don't have a clue.

I would set up some expectations that she must do as part of the family, no allowance involved, just things that are expected. My DS 16 is expected to keep the cat boxes clean, take out the garbage and start dinner if he is the first person home in the afternoons. These things are not rewarded, they are expected. We have to sit down with DS and periodically reinforce our expectations but overall this works pretty well.

If she can't pull her weight then she can't participate with the family, a couple of meals she has to fix herself and eat by herself in her room that doesn't have a phone, puter or tv in it, as she hasn't earned them and maybe the message will get across.

It seems harsh, but if we don't teach them how to pull their own weight how will they learn.

She is at that awful age where their self-esteem can really plummet, maybe something happened with drama and she is unwilling to take any more risks.

Just my 2 cents.....

MamaCatNV

 

[Planogirl]

I think that she may be testing you and that's why you couldn't motivate her with the jeans. It may not have sunk in just yet that she won't get such things without doing other things. I think that you just have to stay firm and, assuming that she isn't depressed or bothered about something, she'll come around.

 

[J/T Gramdma]

It could be just because you are "MOM". If she is pleasant and sometimes helps at other people homes or at a "friends' Then it is probably a stage. If she doesn't ever help anytime or anywhere then I would talk to her Doctor because she could be depressed.

 

[luvflorida]

I even got him out of bed one evening, to pick up a wrapper he had left on the ottoman. He wasnt yet asleep - just laying there watching TV. That &^%&*^% had the nerve to say "why cant YOU do it????"

Sorry, but that cracked me up! I know how annoying it can be, though. DD15 is famous for leaving stuff around the house. She'll leave candy wrappers, gum wrappers, empty soda cans, (she eats well, too!), by MY keyboard! Yesterday I told her to go back to my computer and pick up her stuff, and she heaved a sigh like I had just asked her to spend an afternoon in the coal mines.

And the clothes! It's called a closet! And a dresser! Use them!!! Her bed and floor are usually covered with discarded clothes, clean and dirty. I can't believe how many changes of outfits she can go through before she finally picks one to wear.

 

[Glynis]

DD wants:
A Coach Purse
True Religion Jeans
Joe's Jeans
A fresh Abercrombie T-Shirt for Every Day of the Week
A laptop
A $500 digital camera

And she talks about these things ALL THE TIME!

Tell her she can have those things.....when SHE pays for them.

Sorry you're going through this. I don't have any teens, yet, but it's looming on the not too distant horizon. My 8 year old DD has been throwing around a teen attitude lately, and I just won't put up with it. She complains about the way I do things like laundry, so I won't do hers anymore. She knows how to load the machine, how to put in the detergent, etc., so I don't touch her clothes. If she wants clean clothes, she does them herself. She ran out of clothes once, and was positive that I would do a load in the middle of the night so she could have clothes for school, but I wouldn't. I told her she could go to school naked, or stay home. And if she stayed home, she would have to stay in her room, since I don't have time to babysit her, and normally don't see her from 9-3:30. Morning came, no clean clothes, and DD had to stay in her room. She has no TV or Radio in her room, so it was a very long day. Suffice it to say, she does her laundry in a timely manner, now.

As to cooking, I invested in some cooking with kids books, and once a week she chooses something to make for dinner, could be a side dish or dessert or a main course. Then we have "cooking school". I stay on the sidelines, and just advise when she gets stuck. A side benefit from this is that her math grade has gone up significantly.

Good luck and if you find the "magic pill" let me know!

 

[azgal81]

Maybe have here take on part time job to learn money responsibility or maybe even have her cook dinner for the family one night a week. I know my high school had a class where we learned about money and what it would take to live outside of highschool on our own. It was actually rather helpful. Maybe instead of tying the household chores to money tie them to privileges (watching tv, hanging out with friends) and explain to her that everyone needs to do their part to live there.

 

[mickeysgal]

Ya' know...all these responses have me as I thought we were the only ones with a teen like this! Only mine doesn't want a $70 pair of jeans. Mine does not understand why he isn't being given a car (one that meets his standards also) just because he now can get his license. I love it! Seriously, I think that at this age they become very self-centered and the world revolves around their personal sense of happiness. Also, I think they see so much more than we ever were exposed to ...kids driving expensive cars/trucks at school, designer clothes, even the materialistic ads on the tv. Its the "I want it now" mentality that many Americans have bought into. I am planning on sitting down with my teens and showing them our household budget. I truly think that they don't have a clue what expenses go into running a house (or even just a car) and that they can't have everything they want "just because".

 

[belle_of_the_ball]

She's just really bugging me. And I always imagine that the "other" teens are more responsible than she is.

I try to think back to myself at that age and, of course, we just didn't even have the things that we could wish for. There just was not much to buy back then. Heck, I was just thrilled to get my Levi's cords in more than 3 colors.

DD wants:
A Coach Purse
True Religion Jeans
Joe's Jeans
A fresh Abercrombie T-Shirt for Every Day of the Week
A laptop
A $500 digital camera

And she talks about these things ALL THE TIME!

Then I'm just mad because she was always SO into drama. Then, for high school, she applied, auditioned, and was accepted into a fine arts program for theater. Now she will hardly try out for parts. She just wants to go to the class and do the minimum to get by. It's just all bugging me.

Wow...i know for a fact how hard some fine art theater programs for HS are to get into..im in one for 9th grade now. I was always really into drama...and its some times hard to auditon (yeah..ive been to 4 from aug-now..ive made 1 of 4) it can be frustrating. However, if she worked hard for her spot like i did and isnt motivated to do the work chances are she's bored with it. But if she isnt she should be careful of being dropped or cut next year. I dont like to work for money..I'd like it better if people would just fork it over to me! I reallllllllllly wanted a coach purse...my mom made me buy it myself..and let me tell you....i take care of that thing like a baby!!!! It was good to work for, if she really truly wants those things like you say she talks abouts them then she'll work for them.

hope that helps from the point of a materialistic 14 year old DD!

 

[Christine]

Wow...i know for a fact how hard some fine art theater programs for HS are to get into..im in one for 9th grade now. I was always really into drama...and its some times hard to auditon (yeah..ive been to 4 from aug-now..ive made 1 of 4) it can be frustrating. However, if she worked hard for her spot like i did and isnt motivated to do the work chances are she's bored with it. But if she isnt she should be careful of being dropped or cut next year. I dont like to work for money..I'd like it better if people would just fork it over to me! I reallllllllllly wanted a coach purse...my mom made me buy it myself..and let me tell you....i take care of that thing like a baby!!!! It was good to work for, if she really truly wants those things like you say she talks abouts them then she'll work for them.

hope that helps from the point of a materialistic 14 year old DD!

Thank you for your perspective!!! How did you get the money for your Coach purse? What did you do for it?

As for her drama--she does audition. She "aced" her mid-term exam with a monologue that she picked and she's tried out for Little Women, The Wizard of Oz, and some other things. Right now, she is a "swing" Munchkin for The Wizard of Oz. She went to one of the department's one-act plays this weekend. One of her friends (a freshman) was in it. I said "How did HE get in a play--I thought freshman didn't get in?" She told me that she did not try out for it because "I don't really like one-act plays and I was still waiting to hear about The Wizard of Oz." She definitely still seems interested in drama but I think she just doesn't like the competition. Actually, she never has been competitive at all, so this might be it for her.

 

[bettyann29]

Wow.. I thought I was the only one.. My DD14 sounds much like your daughter.. Money certainly doesnt motivate her.. There isnt much that does.. She has always been that way..

 

[Virgo10]

Hi everyone! I need some viewpoints today. Sorry if I ramble, I just have a tough time organizing my thoughts.

Okay, I have a 14 year old DD who is in 9th grade. And, well, she's getting on my nerves.

OMG! My daughter has been reincarnated! Or maybe not seeing how she's alive and well and 29 years old now. But what you wrote could have been written by me 15 years ago.

Now she's out on her own, making her own money, cooking her own food and paying for her own clothes.

It will happen in your case too even though they'll be days when it seems like it will never happen. If it's any consolation, nothing I did or did not do changed her one bit. It just happened as the the years added up.

Best wishes. I wouldn't go back to the time my kids were teens for all the money in the world!

 

[Reflection]

Christine and LuvFlorida

Are you describing my daughter? I have an almost 13-year-old 7th grader. I have no idea where the brand consciousness comes from because she surely does not get that from me. I'm not in the least brand conscious or loyal and I hate clothes shopping. Her friends are also caught up in brand name thing. I only trust this too will pass......

Similar to what another poster wrote, allowance is not tied to chores. If she does not do her assigned chores, then privileges are taken away (e.g., no TV (so long Disney Channel and Teen Nick), no computer time except for homework). She must save 5% of her allowance, which is $25 every two weeks, and this money is to be used for what I call the 'I wannas.' Funny how when she has to spend her own money, that ridiculously priced t-shirt or hoodie from Aeropostale or Hollister stays on the rack.

What works for me is to allow her to have some control/say in the process. For example, if I say it is time to vaccum, set table, etc., it is okay if said chore is done within 15 minutes or whatever timeframe we've agreed on. This approach seems to work, as it keeps me from nagging and her from having 'attitudinal displays.' My daughter enjoys cooking (I started cooking with her when she was quite small). Perhaps your daughter would enjoy making desserts or even pizza from scratch.

As for schoolwork, this is a non-negotiable, and sloppy work at school is not acceptable. My daughter is a very good student and I pretty much lost it when she came home with a D on a test. The poor grade was not a result from difficulty in understanding the subject, she flat out just did not study. So, I had to reimplement, the 'no tv until homework is done' rule.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get her to pick up her things and don't leave everything piled in the middle of the floor without me nagging to high heaven. Been there done that with gather things in box and donate to the Salvation Army. Had limited or no effect whatsoever.

 

[Reflection]

.... Mine does not understand why he isn't being given a car (one that meets his standards also) just because he now can get his license. I love it!....

My daughter has informed me that when she gets her license she wants a Mini Cooper! Yeah, right. I told her, I had no idea that bagging groceries at Trader Joes or Giant would pay so well that she could afford a car like that.