Some leftover drama from yesterday.....should I be mad?

[themilesfamily]

Yeah, I think I'd be bothered by that. If he knows your rule for your daughter is to not exercise on that road, and he knows that it would make you uncomfortable to take her running there, it seems that he should have respected that and exercised with her somewhere else. My question is, by taking your daughter out running on that road, is he sending the message to her that your rules and concerns are something to be ignored?

How you communicate your rules, requests, concerns, etc. is a whole different ballgame -- of course you don't want to treat your husband like a child. But I think there's an effective way to communicate these things and it's nice when a spouse takes what you say seriously rather than blowing it off.

 

[TEENEE]

I have to take your husbands side on this one. If I were in his shoes I would be mad that you told me where I could take a walk with my child.

I see this as a learning experience for your daughter. The more she experiences with a responsible adult the better off she will be when she goes off on her own.

 

[arminnie]

This thread made me laugh (but not at any of you).

When I was 40 years old I went for a walk with my 65 year old father. My mother had a hissy fit and was ready to call the police to go out looking for us because we took too long (maybe an hour?).

Mothers who worry a lot will probably never get over it. My late mother was a very nice, kind woman - but boy could she worry.

 

[hambirg]

I can understand your not wanting/allowing her to go to that busy street by herself, but if she is with her dad, I don't see it as a problem. She's his daughter too. I don't think he would do anything to put her in danger.

This is how I feel too.

 

[Hannathy]

Yeah, I think I'd be bothered by that. If he knows your rule for your daughter is to not exercise on that road, and he knows that it would make you uncomfortable to take her running there, it seems that he should have respected that and exercised with her somewhere else. My question is, by taking your daughter out running on that road, is he sending the message to her that your rules and concerns are something to be ignored?

How you communicate your rules, requests, concerns, etc. is a whole different ballgame -- of course you don't want to treat your husband like a child. But I think there's an effective way to communicate these things and it's nice when a spouse takes what you say seriously rather than blowing it off.

Why shouldn't she have to respect her husbands rule that walking on that road is OK? She doesn't get to set the rules.

I never answered your question, no you should not be mad you should be apologizing for even trying to treat your husband like a child and to give him rules.

 

[themilesfamily]

Why shouldn't she have to respect her husbands rule that walking on that road is OK? She doesn't get to set the rules.

My understanding is that the rule had already been set for the 10-year old. She's not to exercise on that road. So my question is, is it thumbing the nose at the rules set for the daughter by taking her to that very spot to exercise?

The next time she wants to run on that road is she going to say, "Well, Dad lets me."

If that WASN'T the rule for the daughter and the mom just came up with it on the spot, I can see that as controlling. But if the established rule is that the daughter is not to run on that road, why would the dad take her out there?

ETA: I think both parents should be setting the rules together and presenting a united front.

ETA: Because I'm all perfect like that, you know. Not.

 

[Hannathy]

My understanding is that the rule had already been set for the 10-year old.

Exactly the rule is for the 10 year old which I assume means when the 10 year old is alone!!! You don't have the right to set rules for a grown man with his daughter!!! especially one so silly as what road he can walk on.

 

[IDoDis]

No, I would not be mad, but I also wouldn't tell my DH where he could go with DD. Being too overprotective can also hurt your DD as she matures. She's 10 years old, not 4 years old. Being angry with your DH for taking her on the road is not only insulting to him, but insulting to your DD.

Try cutting the apron strings a little. I'm not saying to let her on the road, but you have to start trusting her unless she's done things in the past to not deserve your trust. Kids who have parents that don't trust them undeserved are also the first kids to find trouble later on when they think they can get away with it.

Start showing you trust her to obey you and she'll hopefully live up to that trust as she matures.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I expect my husband to at least tolerate and follow my "rules" with kids under 12 months. I find from 0-12 to be the most overprotective period since she she is only newly physically separated from me. After 1, he can think I'm a little crazy...but until then--noone really makes her wellbeing decisions but me. If I think it is unsafe, it doesn't happen--PERIOD. And noone telling me that "but he's a parent too...."--it doesn't mean much since I'm the one that must deal with the anxiety. And since I am responsible for most of her care (especially feeding)--what I say goes. When he shares more in the care, I do begin to ease up.

I wouldn't still be mad--but I'd have a discussion with him that while he thinks you are being silly, that you would still hope that he respects your wishes. And yes--I will stop my husband from doing something with baby if he cannot respect my wishes.

OH CRAP--I thought you wrote 10 month old ....10yo? Meh...he could let her run in traffic and I wouldn't care. Okay--I would...but I trust his judgement unless it is something extremely precarious...i.e. base line jumping, climbing mount everest...that sort of thing.

A rule set for a child can be adjusted per the situation if accompanied by an adult. A 3yo needs consistent rules all the time--a 10yo is getting to an age to understand the differences that sometimes things with a parent are okay and understand that doing it alone (or with friends) is not. Any tactic trying to do otherwise is a 10yo being manipulative (well dad let's me--neener neener top that, mom....just tough talk from a kid seeing how far the boundaries can stretch).

My daughter can use the stove. She will be in BIG trouble if she does it without asking first. Since we now have gas--and she is afraid to burn the house down...she follows that rule to a "t".

If dad was out exercising--we tend to use the road. In our old neighborhood--we had no sidewalks...so we used the road.

I am afraid of heights--my kids know that there are things I won't do with them that they can only do with dad. I don't mind them doing it, but it isn't safe by themselves and i'm not volunteering my services. lol.

 

[marcyinPA]

you are right. he would not put her in danger, and I am sure he looked out for her. but..........I worry about things like a driver not paying attention, texting, talking, drunk, etc.
I see people walking and jogging on the road all the time though, and my SIL who lives up the road walks out there with her dog all the time.

Don't assume that your own street is any safer. People talk/text/ are drunk, and location or road doesn't matter.

I would not be mad at your DH. He is a grown up and I'm sure watched out for his daughter's welfare. Now, if your daughter walked out there by herself, you would have a reason to be upset.

 

[okeydokey]

I don't think a wife should tell her husband where he can walk. He is not 10 years old.

My DH would laugh at me if I pulled that one. Instead I trust his judgment.

 

[MELSMICE]

I probably would have been annoyed that he did something he knew I didn't like. I would have pulled him aside when DD wasn't around & told him that I just am not crazy about her being on that busy street.

Bottom line though....he is her father & I don't believe he would have put her in danger intentionally. I would let it go & just ask him next time to not take her on that street.

 

[npmommie]

Thank you everyone for your input. I do appreciate it.
he is not mad at me, he did apologize to ME, LOL, he said he will not take her walking on that road next time since he knows how strongly I feel about it.

 

[npmommie]

Don't assume that your own street is any safer. People talk/text/ are drunk, and location or road doesn't matter.

I would not be mad at your DH. He is a grown up and I'm sure watched out for his daughter's welfare. Now, if your daughter walked out there by herself, you would have a reason to be upset.

very true

 

[npmommie]

My understanding is that the rule had already been set for the 10-year old. She's not to exercise on that road. So my question is, is it thumbing the nose at the rules set for the daughter by taking her to that very spot to exercise?

The next time she wants to run on that road is she going to say, "Well, Dad lets me."

If that WASN'T the rule for the daughter and the mom just came up with it on the spot, I can see that as controlling. But if the established rule is that the daughter is not to run on that road, why would the dad take her out there?

ETA: I think both parents should be setting the rules together and presenting a united front.

ETA: Because I'm all perfect like that, you know. Not.

yes the established rule is not to go out on that road. and the red highlighted, I hadn't even thought of that twist.

I don't think a wife should tell her husband where he can walk. He is not 10 years old.

My DH would laugh at me if I pulled that one. Instead I trust his judgment.

all I said was " don't go out on Main St. since she is going with you", I didn't get all bossy or anything, just a gentle reminder to him

because usually he runs, he marathons, so he normally will go running and leave the neighborhood going out on the main road.
so I just wanted to remind him since dd was going along, NOT to go out there.

 

[Planogirl]

I would just talk to him about it. Tell him that this is your worry and could he honor it by avoiding that one street while DD is with him. I sure wouldn't be angry about this though. I find that part of it a bit offensive.

 

[themilesfamily]

Thank you everyone for your input. I do appreciate it.
he is not mad at me, he did apologize to ME, LOL, he said he will not take her walking on that road next time since he knows how strongly I feel about it.

Good man! Put a little something extra in his stocking this year.

 

[Robindianne]

I wouldn't tell DH he couldn't take dd on a certain road I would have let him know I wasn't as comfortable with it and then if he did I would be angry that he didn't respect my feelings. I am completely confident in my DH's abilities, but I can understand that you cannot control the cars driving down the road and they go fast enough to warrant discomfort with them taking that road.

I agree with not telling DH where to take your daughter, and I think you and he should have ground rules / agreements. If he had agreed with you, and then taken her anyway, I might be mad. I don't think he wasn't respecting your feelings. I think he didn't agree with what you thought was right and so did what he felt was right. That's not the same as disrespecting her feelings, even though the end result may have been the same.

I think you two should talk and figure out some basic agreements (eg no violent tv, no walking the highway by herself, always have to eat her peas - or not?). Then decide on a plan for when a situation comes up that doesn't fall into an agreed upon category. Then, both of you can hopefully assume the best intent in the other, and act with the purest motive when you need to go a different route from what's agreed upon.

Best of luck as you guys navigate this stuff. Kids change every every everything don't they? Nothing is simple anymore.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I must be reading the OP differently. In my home we parent our kids as an equal team. Plenty of stuff has no rules but if there is a RULE we agreed to it together. Some of the rules, mostly on safety, clothes, and screening friends, are my idea. Some of the rules, on Internet access and movies are his idea and he has heavy opinion on sleepovers. We take our individual ideas and meet in the middle, finding ground rules we can both live with. Of course, we can color outside of the lines but RESPECT for each other means to make a cell call and ask the other to check in on the situation.

What the Dad did wasn't wrong in the sense he doesn't have aright to his kid, of course he does. What he did do wrong was not give his wife the respect to let her weigh in before making changes. why couldn't they have mentioned it on the way out the door, or on the cell?

Two people can't effectively co-parent if they refuse to hear each other.

If it was me I'd be ticked too because respect is nonnegotiable, and to me it would be all about the respect, not the street. Kwim?

 

[allison443]

you are right. he would not put her in danger, and I am sure he looked out for her. but..........I worry about things like a driver not paying attention, texting, talking, drunk, etc.
I see people walking and jogging on the road all the time though, and my SIL who lives up the road walks out there with her dog all the time.

You said you told dh not to go on that road because dd was with him...normally he runs on it by himself...but don't you worry about your dh running on that road if it is so dangerous? Your dh could get hit by a car just as your dd could.