Soccer mom advice.

[mommymeg]

Greetings all! Coming to the Dis for insight. Any feedback and opinions would be great.

DD13 has played soccer since the age of 4. From the very beginning she was a physical player. Never hesitant or afraid to get in on the ball or defend as if it was her child. She gives 100% at game time and also gives 100% at practice. She has had her share of fouls called and one yellow card but has never had a coach tell her to tone it down or that she is borderline reckless. In life she is the sweetest, most sensitive thing. I always tell her the soccer player in her is a whole other personality.

About a year ago, due to her original team dissolving, we took her to a neighboring club who has an equally aggressive, very skilled team that she fit well into. Through that year I observed her having difficulty with some of the teammates. Most recently a few of the more equally aggressive girls have been making rude comments "didnt you wear that same shirt at last practice?" Giving intentional elbows to the back, and being overly critical of every mistake she made. I have been telling her to let it roll off her back and just play her game. Never has any coach thought that her playing style was reckless, this most recent set of coaches are very happy with her strong playing style.

Most recently the girls went to the coach and told him that she plays too rough at practice and that they are afraid of her. There has been an ongoing issue with these girls and their attitude in general unrelated to my daughter as well. The coach is addressing this situation well an I am trying to not get involved. One of the mothers made a comment in a recent email 'My daughter and her friend have played for 5 years on this team and never EVER had this type of situation occur until now'. I'm not gonna engage in an email debate and am contemplating bringing all parties involved into a little huddle at next practice to try and smooth out the issue.

My daughter was in tears last night after practice and that is NOT ok with me. She says that it's fine if her teammates don't want to be her friend. She just wants to go and train and have fun and improve her game, without having to deal with a ride comment after each play.

Any suggestions on how to be supportive? I'm not the type of mom that jumps in at every issue. Especially as they get older I feel like its important to let them learn how to resolve conflict effectively and at the same time not allow someone to be disrespectful. She has already agreed to tone it down a notch on the practice field. I don't know if that will solve the problem with the rude and unnecessary comments, but I'm hoping that like most other teenage drama, this blows over and she can continue to enjoy the sport she loves.

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Greetings all! Coming to the Dis for insight. Any feedback and opinions would be great.

DD13 has played soccer since the age of 4. From the very beginning she was a physical player. Never hesitant or afraid to get in on the ball or defend as if it was her child. She gives 100% at game time and also gives 100% at practice. She has had her share of fouls called and one yellow card but has never had a coach tell her to tone it down or that she is borderline reckless. In life she is the sweetest, most sensitive thing. I always tell her the soccer player in her is a whole other personality.

About a year ago, due to her original team dissolving, we took her to a neighboring club who has an equally aggressive, very skilled team that she fit well into. Through that year I observed her having difficulty with some of the teammates. Most recently a few of the more equally aggressive girls have been making rude comments "didnt you wear that same shirt at last practice?" Giving intentional elbows to the back, and being overly critical of every mistake she made. I have been telling her to let it roll off her back and just play her game. Never has any coach thought that her playing style was reckless, this most recent set of coaches are very happy with her strong playing style.

Most recently the girls went to the coach and told him that she plays too rough at practice and that they are afraid of her. There has been an ongoing issue with these girls and their attitude in general unrelated to my daughter as well. The coach is addressing this situation well an I am trying to not get involved. One of the mothers made a comment in a recent email 'My daughter and her friend have played for 5 years on this team and never EVER had this type of situation occur until now'. I'm not gonna engage in an email debate and am contemplating bringing all parties involved into a little huddle at next practice to try and smooth out the issue.

My daughter was in tears last night after practice and that is NOT ok with me. She says that it's fine if her teammates don't want to be her friend. She just wants to go and train and have fun and improve her game, without having to deal with a ride comment after each play.

Any suggestions on how to be supportive? I'm not the type of mom that jumps in at every issue. Especially as they get older I feel like its important to let them learn how to resolve conflict effectively and at the same time not allow someone to be disrespectful. She has already agreed to tone it down a notch on the practice field. I don't know if that will solve the problem with the rude and unnecessary comments, but I'm hoping that like most other teenage drama, this blows over and she can continue to enjoy the sport she loves.

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

Do me it doesn't sound like a soccer issue, it sounds like a teenage girl issue. They were friends before and don't want a newcomer.

Are there any other teams in the area that might be more accepting?

An aside, my DD played soccer in a community rec league. It was always a co-ed team. Then she got to high school and played high school soccer - JV and varsity. She hated it because the girls were so catty. Something that did not happen in the co-ed league.

 

[deedeetoo]

This sounds like teenage drama, not a soccer issue. If it was an issue with her play you would be hearing from the coach not the other parents.

Not that this is easier to deal with, but I think the other girls don't like her and are campaigning to get her off the team. They are complaining to their parents and making her feel unwelcome at practice. I think you and your daughter need to decide if she really wants to stay in this situation. It may be better for her to start looking for another team. I also think there are issues with the coach for letting this happen. He should be stopping this type of nonsense for the good of the team.

 

[packofjedis]

We've been on a boys team that actually had arguments on the field in the middle of a game. It was a toxic environment which sounds like what your daughter has. I would switch clubs.

As far as the rough play, every time my son gets a kid like your daughter on his team, he says he's thankful he's on the same team....he wouldn't want to go up against them. Plus, as a past coach told us, until you're carded for it, it's technically allowed so do what you're doing until the ref says otherwise.

I also agree with the others. Kids are just mean.

 

[mommymeg]

I agree for sure it is a teenage drama issue. The team has an excellent coach with a playing philosophy in line with my daughters style. In my area there are no other teams at her level who don't have a full roster aside from the local Premier teams (premier meaning $2000/year, not necessarily better teams). I don't want to have her think that she can be bullied into quitting. That's just not in the values we try to instill. She has been giving the girls extra supportive comments at practice and has laid off the intensity during practice with not much success. I am going to be supervising an informal scrimmage tomorrow night in the coaches absence and am contemplating sitting the three of them down to talk it out.

 

[jrmasm]

I agree for sure it is a teenage drama issue. The team has an excellent coach with a playing philosophy in line with my daughters style. In my area there are no other teams at her level who don't have a full roster aside from the local Premier teams (premier meaning $2000/year, not necessarily better teams). I don't want to have her think that she can be bullied into quitting. That's just not in the values we try to instill. She has been giving the girls extra supportive comments at practice and has laid off the intensity during practice with not much success. I am going to be supervising an informal scrimmage tomorrow night in the coaches absence and am contemplating sitting the three of them down to talk it out.

Don't. That's not your place. And you'll only make things worse.

I've got to ask, laid off the intensity during practice? What does that mean? there's playing hard and then there's hurting your teammates. Which is it?

 

[okeydokey]

I agree for sure it is a teenage drama issue. The team has an excellent coach with a playing philosophy in line with my daughters style. In my area there are no other teams at her level who don't have a full roster aside from the local Premier teams (premier meaning $2000/year, not necessarily better teams). I don't want to have her think that she can be bullied into quitting. That's just not in the values we try to instill. She has been giving the girls extra supportive comments at practice and has laid off the intensity during practice with not much success. I am going to be supervising an informal scrimmage tomorrow night in the coaches absence and am contemplating sitting the three of them down to talk it out.

I would not sit down with the other kids without the coach present. It is his team and that kind of thing needs to come from him. I don't think the meeting is a bad idea, but it has to be his call.

 

[Southernmiss]

This sounds like teenage drama, not a soccer issue. If it was an issue with her play you would be hearing from the coach not the other parents.

Not that this is easier to deal with, but I think the other girls don't like her and are campaigning to get her off the team. They are complaining to their parents and making her feel unwelcome at practice. I think you and your daughter need to decide if she really wants to stay in this situation. It may be better for her to start looking for another team. I also think there are issues with the coach for letting this happen. He should be stopping this type of nonsense for the good of the team.

THIS. Do not 'sit the girls down for a talk.' That definitely won't help your dd.

I don't see the situation ending well. I know a family in the same situation. The dd had to find another team.

 

[mommymeg]

Don't. That's not your place. And you'll only make things worse.

I've got to ask, laid off the intensity during practice? What does that mean? there's playing hard and then there's hurting your teammates. Which is it?

My daughter plays just as hard in practice as she does in a game. Never intends to hurt anyone, especially a teammate. Injuries occur at practice with an equivalent frequency. There is not any injury that I am aware of that came directly from DD. Soccer especially in the higher age groups can be pretty physical.

I do agree that it is probably not my place to sit the girls down. I am already committed to supervising practice tomorrow and will try to just keep the peace. I am not one to automatically defend my kid or throw them under the bus either. The coach is being very supportive and has assured me that this problem is not the result of inappropriate aggression.

 

[HM]

I'm so sorry for your daughter. Teenagers can be so cruel.

Good luck to her as she finishes out this season. Sending pixies.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I am a baseball mom, not soccer (DS15) and also the mom of a DD 15.

I agree, girls at this age can be incredibly mean. It doesn't sound like this team is a good fit if she is crying over it - and changing her style.

I'm also a little confused over the "toning it down" issue. Are you absolutely certain she playing properly? Have you ever considered having her evaluated by an independent soccer professional for an unbiased opinion? (Common in baseball.) This would help you gauge not only whether she's playing properly, but what her next step might be.

 

[nugov2]

My dd plays competitive soccer. Have you ever gone onto your state soccer page and find another league that plays in the same category or even up or down one level? They are catergorized by a,b,c, etc. Our premier leagues are at higher levels(a,b and c for very young ages) while the rec leagues play at a lower level. All teams are registered through the Youth Soccer Page. You may be surprised with what is in your area or close by. They may just play up or down a category, but would be on the A instead of the B team. You may also find one very close she can play on. I wouldn't allow my child to be involved in that nonsense, but I would wait until the season was over. I also agree with PP and do not speak with them. I also wouldn't engage with the parents, I'd be surprised if anything you said would change their view. They may feel threatened by your dd's talent and don't like it when it someone new comes in and get focus. They will either come around on their own or not at all.

 

[jrmasm]

My daughter plays just as hard in practice as she does in a game. Never intends to hurt anyone, especially a teammate. Injuries occur at practice with an equivalent frequency. There is not any injury that I am aware of that came directly from DD. Soccer especially in the higher age groups can be pretty physical.
I do agree that it is probably not my place to sit the girls down. I am already committed to supervising practice tomorrow and will try to just keep the peace. I am not one to automatically defend my kid or throw them under the bus either. The coach is being very supportive and has assured me that this problem is not the result of inappropriate aggression.

Based on your words, I think she needs to tone it down. Being physical with teammates during practice is unnecessary and won't make her any friends as you've learned. Tell her to save it for games.

 

[clutter]

Unfortunately, it's also a coach problem. If this truly IS a teenage drama issue - meaning that there is nothing wrong with your dd's practice style - then he/she needs to get the girls in line. Or you need to find another team. It's not the bullies getting their way, it's the fact that the coach is allowing this.

 

[mommymeg]

My dd plays competitive soccer. Have you ever gone onto your state soccer page and find another league that plays in the same category or even up or down one level? They are catergorized by a,b,c, etc. Our premier leagues are at higher levels(a,b and c for very young ages) while the rec leagues play at a lower level. All teams are registered through the Youth Soccer Page. You may be surprised with what is in your area or close by. They may just play up or down a category, but would be on the A instead of the B team. You may also find one very close she can play on. I wouldn't allow my child to be involved in that nonsense, but I would wait until the season was over. I also agree with PP and do not speak with them. I also wouldn't engage with the parents, I'd be surprised if anything you said would change their view. They may feel threatened by your dd's talent and don't like it when it someone new comes in and get focus. They will either come around on their own or not at all.

We are very familiar with all the local teams. At her age and skill level most local teams are set for the year with full rosters. Our only other option would be to try her out on a Premier level team in the spring which we may consider, but the cost is a factor in that decision. She is emerging as a top player on a pretty talented team and I think that may be a factor for the mean comments. Breaks my heart only due to the fact that in life the kid wouldn't say boo to a bug. I appreciate all of the helpful advice!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I know you've mentioned you're not a fan of the premier teams and don't think they're any better, etc.

But what you might have found was that, if there is a problem with your DD's "practice style", that that would have been reconciled before now. Additionally, if she's a better player she would also be among other better players who might appreciate more her being on the same team, rather than being jealous of her skills.

 

[CrazyCakeLady]

Did she take a starting position from a "popular girl" when she joined the team? This situation is all about teen drama and has nothing to do with her soccer skills.

Unfortunately male coaches, teachers (and even dads) can be oblivious to the girl drama until it implodes because it is just foreign to them and then they don't know what hit them.

 

[mommymeg]

Did she take a starting position from a "popular girl" when she joined the team? This situation is all about teen drama and has nothing to do with her soccer skills.

Unfortunately male coaches, teachers (and even dads) can be oblivious to the girl drama until it implodes because it is just foreign to them and then they don't know what hit them.

Think you may have hit the nail at every point on this one! Thanks for letting me vent a little instead of turning into one of those neurotic, crazed soccer moms that I swore I'd never be! I'm sure it will all work out in the end!

 

[Erin1700]

I am only a swim mom but it sounds like the type of swimmer who sprints every set even when you arent supposed to.
There is no harm in telling her to tone it down a little at practice.
The fact that you mentioned that people get equally injured in practice as in games bothers me. You dont want your own teammates injured. I know you said your daughter did not injure anyone but that shouldnt be your way of thinking.

 

[Miranda Danda]

Did she take a starting position from a "popular girl" when she joined the team? This situation is all about teen drama and has nothing to do with her soccer skills.

Unfortunately male coaches, teachers (and even dads) can be oblivious to the girl drama until it implodes because it is just foreign to them and then they don't know what hit them.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

This is exactly what I was thinking. 100% on all points