SO- How often do you/did you have “date” night?

[mjkacmom]

I’m not sure what grandparents have to do with date night. Don’t people hire sitters anymore? That’s what we did when our kids were young.

My parents lived 1/2 mile away so they used to babysit, but my mom liked to go to bed early, so we used paid sitters, too, pretty often, as a SAHM to 5 I needed a break (I also was in 3 different bunch groups back then). I’d rather pay and stay out than get a freebie and come home at 9.

 

[lowlight]

Well, it doesn't exactly work that way either. We lived 500 miles away from family so help with child-rearing/child care was out of the question. When my parents aged and became infirm, the idea of NOT stepping in to care for them and ensure their well-being until the end was out of the question as well. Most adult children would say the same. It's an incredibly hard season of life, but one that countless of us here on the DIS have navigated and I don't think too many were doing it as reciprocity for babysitting.

I never like to generalize, but if one response ever summed up an entire generation of people it would be that one.

 

[disykat]

We had rare babysitters, but usually chose not to because of money. We traded an evening of babysitting with friends and let the kids play together, had date nights at home, and/or waited until either someone in the family was visiting or we were visiting them - which generally happened several times a year. (We went twice a year - the week after Christmas and one week in the summer - to see family and at various times a family member or two would come see us.)

Trading babysitting with friends was great. When they were little, the couple who was NOT going out packed up their babies and went to the house of the couple who was going out. That way the little one who didn't have their parents was in their own home. When they were a little older, the parents going out dropped them off for a playdate. It didn't work for late nights, but for Christmas shopping, dinner out, etc. it worked great. We were cheap, but it didn't stop us from getting out together occasionally! We even did it where DH took the little ones home to bed and I stayed to babysit and my girlfriend took me home after their date while her DH stayed home with the kids who were already sleeping. It works great if you have friends you trust to reciprocate!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Even dating doesn’t equate having dates. My recent short-lived relationship we rarely went on any dates. Over 5 months I think we went on maybe 3 dates, none “date nights” and mostly just grabbing a beer or lunch. Most of the time we just hung out at one or the others house.

I don't think in the nearly 15 years that I've known my husband have we really called anything date night.

We've done dinner and a movie, we've done random outings, vacations, etc.

But we just never really said "date night". Even our anniversary which is normally the one night a year we spend more than we normally do for meals we don't really say "date night"

I think it probably seems the same to people but sometimes I feel like there's a pressure put on couples to do date nights but like has been touched on in previous comments it's taking that time together for the couple in what you enjoy. If it's just hanging out without other distractions I think that counts.

 

[ronandannette]

I never like to generalize, but if one response ever summed up an entire generation of people it would be that one.

Curious what exactly you mean? My "generation" often had to relocate from our hometowns to make our livings, or because we married someone from away. Yes - that's unlike my parent's generation, who died in the same place they were born and had the constant support of (most of) their extended family. That aspect made the whole "takes a village" thing on either end of life a lot easier.

 

[MamaMermaid]

Hubby and I have been married almost 10 years (this December). We have a 4.5yo and both work full time; I'd say maybe 1x/month but we do see our friends for game night 1-2x per month which I'll count. I wish we could go more!

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Probably a few times a month.

 

[leebee]

We've been married almost 30 years. Date night was never a thing. We go out sometimes, but it's never a to-do. We just go out... dinner, movie, pub, whatever. Of course, it's easy now that we are older and DD is 28. However, we were always happy to have her along with us, didn't have a babysitter, whatever. It's never been a big thing for us and never will be. Honestly, we've made it 38 years together; I think we're good.

 

[YachtClubWoman]

No formal date night - no kids so every night is date night
Married 30 yrs in October

 

[Sinder]

Dh and I don’t really do traditional date nights, we never have and we’ve been married 26 years. We just make sure we spend time together doing something we enjoy, or something the other one of us enjoys.
I think it’s important to make time for eachother whether that means getting dressed up and going to a nice dinner, or taking a bike ride or hike or just hanging out at home watching a movie.

 

[mrodgers]

Why is everyone so fixed on a date like you did when you were teenagers. Who cares what time of day it is or where you went.

As long as you make time for each other and don't forget that you are not just mum and dad, but also:
a. An individual and
b. An adult couple.

This and financially were probably the 2 biggest factor in that I am divorced now. Once the kids came, we were no longer a couple and I was seen as just the paycheck.

A lot of the problem also was we didn't have anyone to watch the kids to go do adult couple stuff anyways. Her parents never volunteered and we would have refused my mother had she volunteered. My mother watched our oldest once over night and that was enough. Didn't matter much since she basically disowned us because our 4 year old didn't wait all night long for her birthday party when grandma didn't show up because grandma was lost from a bridge shut down and why on earth does everyone need a stupid cell phone opinion. She had actually never even met my youngest past the age of 1 until I was separated and tried to have a birthday with my daughter at age 14.

We lived in the middle of nowhere so we didn't know anyone to babysit.

 

[mumto3girls]

We definitely didn’t do it enough when our kids were little. My parents watched them for us occasionally, but I didn’t want to impose so I tried to make it a few times a year. Once youngest DD got into school I started working more in our business. To this day anything important we need to discuss that we don’t want them chiming in on we discuss at work. For several years we did a long lunch out once a week and occasionally just took a day or half day to spend time together doing something fun. Then the kids got to the ages that they could either be left alone or they had plans of their own. We now have 1 in college, 1 headed to college on Thursday and one in high school. We get plenty of alone time now at home. It was a season of life and in the overall scheme of things it was a fairly short season.

 

[LSUmiss]

I’m not sure what grandparents have to do with date night. Don’t people hire sitters anymore? That’s what we did when our kids were young.

Like some have said, DS is with the sitter or school all day. Neither DH nor I want to leave him again for us to go out.

 

[LSUmiss]

I was the one that started the other tread about the lack of dates. For us it's about time, or lack thereof. We have so little time with our kids as it is between our work schedules and their activities, so if the opportunity presents itself to be with them when they still want our company we take advantage of it. The other problem is logistical - i.e. it assumes that his/my schedules line up. For me, a 5:20am out the door + insomnia means I need to be in bed by 9-10 on a workday to hope to get a few hours of sleep at night. Before COVID I would usually be the first one in the house to go to bed. Finally, at some point one or both of us needs our "own" time.

Someday the kids will be gone, work will slow down, and we'll be able to do more things together.

This is how DH & I feel too. We had years together alone before him & he will soon not want to hang around us so we take advantage of it when we can. It’s so fleeting.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This is how DH & I feel too. We had years together alone before him & he will soon not want to hang around us so we take advantage of it when we can. It’s so fleeting.

A night (or day) once a year, a night (or day) every so often is not going to be detrimental to your child. When people use the phrase "they'll be gone before you know it" they mean cherish the time you have not never leave your child, always be with them every night and day, no breaks, no "couples only" or even just one parent having alone. You still need time for you, a relationship still needs time for each other. And IIRC your child is 3 or 4? I think you can spare a night without causing your child to suddenly stop wanting to be around you.

 

[LSUmiss]

A night (or day) once a year, a night (or day) every so often is not going to be detrimental to your child. When people use the phrase "they'll be gone before you know it" they mean cherish the time you have not never leave your child, always be with them every night and day, no breaks, no "couples only" or even just one parent having alone. You still need time for you, a relationship still needs time for each other. And IIRC your child is 3 or 4? I think you can spare a night without causing your child to suddenly stop wanting to be around you.

It’s not that it’s detrimental to him or that we can’t spare a night without him not wanting to be around us. And, I’m well aware of what ppl mean by “they'll be gone before you know it”. If I recall, you don’t have kids. It’s goes by faster that you think. Yes, DS is 4 & I can’t believe he’s that old already. It feels like only yesterday that he was an infant. So, we prefer to do most things as a family. And, for us, we have/had plenty of time to ourselves before he was born, or now when he is in school or when he goes to bed, that we don’t feel we need a “break”. And before we know it, he will be older and won’t want to be around us so we want to cherish the time while we have it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It’s not that it’s detrimental to him or that we can’t spare a night without him not wanting to be around us. And, I’m well aware of what ppl mean by “they'll be gone before you know it”. If I recall, you don’t have kids. It’s goes by faster that you think. Yes, DS is 4 & I can’t believe he’s that old already. It feels like only yesterday that he was an infant. So, we prefer to do most things as a family. And, for us, we have/had plenty of time to ourselves before he was born, or now when he is in school or when he goes to bed, that we don’t feel we need a “break”. And before we know it, he will be older and won’t want to be around us so we want to cherish the time while we have it.

It isn't as if it's advice that is personal opinion, it's something well versed in our understanding of parental relationships and spousal/partner relationships as well as adult (counting in singles here) and something shared by people in this thread

"Not everything is, or needs to be, about the kids."
Or
"As long as you make time for each other and don't forget that you are not just mum and dad, but also:
a. An individual and
b. An adult couple." Which ironically you liked so apparently you get it and agree with it but then say you don't want to spend a night apart from your child.

Just to post 2.

Nice attempt though at an insult.

All I'm saying is for mental health and one's own being taking a night or so away is something we are very much realizing is important. Using the "it goes quick" is just basically you saying you want to play the martyr. Don't play the martyr. Your kid will be fine, you'll have thousands of memories to go by. If you want to spend all your time with your child because you don't want to be apart ever fine. But just don't do it for the sake of what you were saying. It's okay to give yourself permission to allow yourself any time alone or just you and your spouse to do something. I repeat, it's okay to give yourself permission

 

[LSUmiss]

It isn't as if it's advice that is personal opinion, it's something well versed in our understanding of parental relationships and spousal/partner relationships as well as adult (counting in singles here) and something shared by people in this thread

"Not everything is, or needs to be, about the kids."
Or
"As long as you make time for each other and don't forget that you are not just mum and dad, but also:
a. An individual and
b. An adult couple." Which ironically you liked so apparently you get it and agree with it but then say you don't want to spend a night apart from your child.

Just to post 2.

Nice attempt though at an insult.

All I'm saying is for mental health and one's own being taking a night or so away is something we are very much realizing is important. Using the "it goes quick" is just basically you saying you want to play the martyr. Don't play the martyr. Your kid will be fine, you'll have thousands of memories to go by. If you want to spend all your time with your child because you don't want to be apart ever fine. But just don't do it for the sake of what you were saying. It's okay to give yourself permission to allow yourself any time alone or just you and your spouse to do something. I repeat, it's okay to give yourself permission

It’s not being a martyr & it’s not an insult. But it’s one of those things that you really can’t know how you feel about it til you do. I definitely changed how I thought I would feel. I only have 1 kid. It’s not that hard. There are 2 of us & just one of him. My job isn’t that hard I have plenty time to myself. And DH are on the same page so that’s really all that matters. We have been together for 24 years so I think we know what works best for us.

 

[Disneylover99]

It’s not being a martyr & it’s not an insult. But it’s one of those things that you really can’t know how you feel about it til you do. I definitely changed how I thought I would feel. I only have 1 kid. It’s not that hard. There are 2 of us & just one of him. My job isn’t that hard I have plenty time to myself. And DH are on the same page so that’s really all that matters. We have been together for 24 years so I think we know what works best for us.

I get what you’re saying and can relate.

 

[CdnCarrie]

It isn't as if it's advice that is personal opinion, it's something well versed in our understanding of parental relationships and spousal/partner relationships as well as adult (counting in singles here) and something shared by people in this thread

"Not everything is, or needs to be, about the kids."
Or
"As long as you make time for each other and don't forget that you are not just mum and dad, but also:
a. An individual and
b. An adult couple." Which ironically you liked so apparently you get it and agree with it but then say you don't want to spend a night apart from your child.

Just to post 2.

Nice attempt though at an insult.

All I'm saying is for mental health and one's own being taking a night or so away is something we are very much realizing is important. Using the "it goes quick" is just basically you saying you want to play the martyr. Don't play the martyr. Your kid will be fine, you'll have thousands of memories to go by. If you want to spend all your time with your child because you don't want to be apart ever fine. But just don't do it for the sake of what you were saying. It's okay to give yourself permission to allow yourself any time alone or just you and your spouse to do something. I repeat, it's okay to give yourself permission

Good grief. How utterly condescending.
If we don’t follow your rules we’re acting like martyrs?
Everyone’s relationship and situation is different.