SO- How often do you/did you have “date” night?

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Good grief. How utterly condescending.
If we don’t follow your rules we’re acting like martyrs?

The act of being a martyr parent in part is that you do everything and anything for your kids, you in essence live your life for your kids but leave no room for yourself amongst other things. I'm pulling from posts over time here, not just pulling something randomly up. You can choose to not leave your child alone ever at night but you don't have to for the health and safety of your child or in fear of missing something one second of their life. You can give yourself permission to do it if you want to, or you don't have to, YMMV.

As far as condescending, pot meet kettle

 

[theMoreDisneytheBetter]

I miss out on plenty of things. Way more than I'd like to, to be honest. The point is that I'm not choosing to miss out on MORE just to go out on a "date" with my husband. We were together for more than 12 years before DS was born. We also went through a lot of heartache to have him, and then even more to have his sister.

DH and I are fine, even if we don't exactly get to spend a lot of time together just the two of us at the moment that doesn't involve things that HAVE to get done. We'll still be fine in 5 years when DS leaves the house, and 9 when DD does. It's just the way life is sometimes.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I miss out on plenty of things. Way more than I'd like to, to be honest. The point is that I'm not choosing to miss out on MORE just to go out on a "date" with my husband. We were together for more than 12 years before DS was born. We also went through a lot of heartache to have him, and then even more to have his sister.

DH and I are fine, even if we don't exactly get to spend a lot of time together just the two of us at the moment that doesn't involve things that HAVE to get done. We'll still be fine in 5 years when DS leaves the house, and 9 when DD does. It's just the way life is sometimes.

When you made your first comment I could see where you were coming from. There's only 24 hours in the day, you have busy life and differing schedules which make the opportunities slimmer and harder to carve out time. Life appears to be hectic for you at this point and as you have mentioned above you're still missing out on things. While a choice it's also sorta how the chips fell for you. I count (which I know isn't worth anything to anyone, just trying to phrase it some way) that as something different. From what you said you both also take time for yourselves when you need to. I can only guess at what you mean by heartache but I'm happy for you that you have two little ones in your life

 

[summerlyangel]

A bit complicated, but here goes:

Happily married 27 yrs and never really had date nights as such. We did not have local babysitters, but we did have grandparents 2hrs away. When the older 2 kids were little, my parents would take them for the weekend about 1x/mo, so we did go out then. #3 and #4 were so needy/clingy/fussy, that my parents would not have been able to handle that, so even though they would still occasionally take the older 2, they did not take the younger ones. We went many years without a date night during that time frame and learned how to spend time together even with the kids around. Coffee on the porch, watching a movie together, making dinner together, car rides while the kids napped. If we had a rare day off together during the week, we'd go out for breakfast and hang out then. We cherished these moments and it got us through raising our children! Youngest (14 now) has autism and was an extremely difficult child, so we just couldn't leave her with anyone for very long. But, there was light at the end of the tunnel! We work odd days, so often have mon and tues off together. Only 2 left in school, so we take that time to hang out. Sometimes it is fun stuff, other times it is lunch and grocery shopping or household projects. Our 18 and 24yos still live at home, and can handle their little sister now that she is much more stable and matured. We still enjoy hanging out and really blessed to have those "odd days/shifts" jobs! This means DH works at home and even though I'm FT, I work 3-12s, so we are home together a bunch, even if DH is working in his office.

 

[Colleen27]

This is how DH & I feel too. We had years together alone before him & he will soon not want to hang around us so we take advantage of it when we can. It’s so fleeting.

I think that's where the grandparents vs. sitter question really makes a difference. Our date nights weren't just for us - they were time for the kids to bond with the grandparents. If we had to pay a sitter, I think we'd have come down on the side of going out less often. But since it was our parents bugging us about "When is DS going to come over to go fishing?" and "When can I take the kids back to school shopping?" and "When does DD want to go see Frozen?", it didn't really feel like missing out on family time as much as it was about encouraging those close relationships with the extended family.

 

[LSUmiss]

I think that's where the grandparents vs. sitter question really makes a difference. Our date nights weren't just for us - they were time for the kids to bond with the grandparents. If we had to pay a sitter, I think we'd have come down on the side of going out less often. But since it was our parents bugging us about "When is DS going to come over to go fishing?" and "When can I take the kids back to school shopping?" and "When does DD want to go see Frozen?", it didn't really feel like missing out on family time as much as it was about encouraging those close relationships with the extended family.

I completely agree. My mil is about to live with us. I will probably feel less bad about leaving DS because he will just be spending extra one-on-one time w/grandma.

 

[LSUmiss]

The act of being a martyr parent in part is that you do everything and anything for your kids, you in essence live your life for your kids but leave no room for yourself amongst other things. I'm pulling from posts over time here, not just pulling something randomly up. You can choose to not leave your child alone ever at night but you don't have to for the health and safety of your child or in fear of missing something one second of their life. You can give yourself permission to do it if you want to, or you don't have to, YMMV.

As far as condescending, pot meet kettle

And there is also nothing wrong with living you life for your kid(s) if you enjoy doing it. That’s not for you to decide.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I think people who are adamant about the importance of date night fail to realize not everyone lives an over-scheduled life where they have to “make time” for each other.

My husband and I were together 18 years, doing whatever we wanted when we wanted, before the kids came along. Now, I’m a SAHM and my husband works from home full time. We are together literally 24/7, why on earth would I need to make more time with him? The person in my family I see the least? That would be my older son now that he’s started school. During the week, I only get to see him for 2 1/2 waking hours a day, half of which are spent on dinner, preparing for the next day, and bedtime routine. It’s like an imbalanced custody arrangement where the school is raising my child now and I’ve been relegated to being the weekend-and-holiday parent. So no, I don’t have any burning desire to spend even less time with my kid.

I also don’t consider a trip to Home Depot or watching a movie on the couch to be a date with my husband. Those are just things we do as a part of everyday life and while the kids would come along if we were both running errands together, they may be off in their playroom or asleep in bed during a movie, so it’s not like we can’t find any time alone in our own house. A date night though, as I think of it — where you hire a sitter and get dressed up and go out as a couple — is something neither of us have any desire to do at this stage of life. Hiring a stranger to come into my house and watch my not-yet-fully-vaccinated kids just so we can go to dinner (via Uber if drinks will be involved) is an effort and expense we’re just not interested in. When they’re old enough to stay at home by themselves, sure, I could see it then, but right now it’s easier and cheaper to take them along or just order in.

 

[scrapquitler]

Spin off because there is another thread where a couple used to do one date night a year but now it’s been several years since the last one. I can’t wrap my brain around keeping the relationship healthy if we never had time off alone.

I’m an empty nester so we do what we want in our free time now (yay!) but even in the very busy parenting years we found time to have time without the kids usually weekly. Not always a big production “date night.” Sometimes it was coffee and bagels while they were at Sunday school or for one whole school year we met at a favorite Mexican food place while DD was at dance two doors down. Bonus, we’d get take out for her and her older brother so no cooking when we got home.

Now trips without them were sometimes years apart.

When the kids were small, we had a date night almost every single week. Either my parents or my in laws would spend the evening (or sometimes the afternoon) with the kids so that DH and I could have some time alone. My Mom would even take them both for the weekend a couple times a year.
They had a big (almost 7 year) age gap, so once my daughter was old enough to baby sit our son for a few hours, she took over the weekly babysitting (and she loved doing it because we paid her).