So, Do You Think I'm a Prude/Being Unreasonable?

[Mandychelle79]

Given that definition, the son in the original post is being treated like an adult. He can make his own decisions about whether to stay with the OP and abide by her household rules, or move out and make his own household rules. He has complete control over how he lives his own life. He just doesn't have complete control over what he can do in someone else's home.

And like I have said in another post. When I lived at home with my parents, it was MY HOME. I wasn't a guest in their home, I wasn't a tenant, I was a household member, maybe not on equal footing with my parents, but with the same rights as they had. I could chose who stayed and didn't stay with me because it was MY HOME, it didn't matter if they were someone my parents knew. Now if they were going to stay for extended periods of time, like when three of my friends moved in with me, yes there was a discussion to make sure it was ok. There were numerous nights that we would go to bed and there would be four of us in the basement, and due to where my parents live, they would wake up and there would be 15, just because people knew it was a safe place to stop and sleep it off. The only thing that I had to do was call if I wasn't coming home so they new I was safe and let them know when I came in so they new I was safe. Same thing my mom and dad did if getting in late or not coming home.

 

[okeydokey]

Subjected to what, exactly? Their dad on a date?

No, their dad having sex with a girl he met two weeks ago while they were in the next room.

 

[luvmy3]

And like I have said in another post. When I lived at home with my parents, it was MY HOME. I wasn't a guest in their home, I wasn't a tenant, I was a household member, maybe not on equal footing with my parents, but with the same rights as they had. I could chose who stayed and didn't stay with me because it was MY HOME, it didn't matter if they were someone my parents knew. Now if they were going to stay for extended periods of time, like when three of my friends moved in with me, yes there was a discussion to make sure it was ok. There were numerous nights that we would go to bed and there would be four of us in the basement, and due to where my parents live, they would wake up and there would be 15, just because people knew it was a safe place to stop and sleep it off. The only thing that I had to do was call if I wasn't coming home so they new I was safe and let them know when I came in so they new I was safe. Same thing my mom and dad did if getting in late or not coming home.

This is how I see things in my future. If any of my kids needed some help, they would always be welcome back home, not welcomed back to my house.

 

[Luvchefmic]

OP here, gosh 5 pages of replies already. I do appreciate everyone's opinion and glad to know many don't think I'm a prude. Or even if I am, "our house, our rules." But those of you who disagree with me, that's fine too, I appreciate everyone's opinion.

I think what bothered me MOST is that we had never even met this girl. I don't think he's been seeing her long at all, in fact it's only been in the past couple of weeks that he has even mentioned her. And he waits until we are GONE before he brings her over and then has her spend the night. She was still here when we got home from our weekend up north, so he did introduce me to her then, but still.... I just feel it would have been nice to get to know her a little, have him bring her around a few times, etc. BEFORE having her spend the night. I MAY have felt a little differently about the situation if that would have happened, I don't know.

I do respect the fact that he didn't have her stay over when his kids were here Friday and Saturday nights. To my way of thinking that was more respectful to his kids at least. They don't need to be subjected to that.

And to those who think our relationship is "odd", I would love to hear why you feel that way. Our son has been on his own since he was 18, it was only since last September that he let his house go (so he didn't have to pay rent) and started staying here with us once a month when he was home from his trucking job. We agreed to let him stay here, it was all worked out before he even took the job. We agreed it didn't make sense for him to pay rent and utilities when he wasn't there.

Then when the trucking job didn't work out (no money in it) we talked BEFORE he quit, and agreed to let him live here until he could get his own car again and another job. We just didn't know it would take so long and there have been some strained moments, but I think that would happen with ANY family who had an adult child move back in with them.

I guess I just don't see what is so "odd" about trying to help him get back on his feet. He doesn't pay any rent, utilities, or pay for groceries. He is living here completely free. Now if he WERE paying rent, etc. then having the girlfriend over probably would not have been an issue. But anyway, hopefully this new job will work out and he will be able to get his own place again soon.

I bolded the part of the post that made me go so then the title of your thread doesn't make sense to me...asking if we thought you were being a prude....see now that you said what you did it has NOTHING to do with morals..its coming across as he/she who has the money has the control...IMHO you need to make up your mind exactly what goes on in your home & then sit down with DS and make the agreement...good luck to you all

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I agree 100%....your house, your rules.

I think it is extremely rude for complete stranger to be staying overnight in your home.

Exactly, no matter what the age/gender of the "child" nor the guest.

I think his intentions were to make everyone more comfortable,

I think his intention was to sleep with his girlfriend.

Did he know this rule before he brought the GF over?

It's not his house, although it sounds like he believes it is. Common sense and common courtesy would dictate you just don't to that, but lacking both, I guess the OP needs to spell it out.

I do think your rules are a bit unreasonable for a 34 year old man who has children.

A 34 year old man moving back with his parents needs to adjust his behavior accordingly, like it or not.

 

[JessicaR]

I read most of the thread just missed the last page.

We all feel how we feel. It doesn't matter if anyone thinks you are a prude or justified in how you feel. I do wonder WHY you feel that way though.

He is a 34 year old man. Are you surprised he is having sex? Are you just upset because he did it in your house? If he went to a hotel would that have been OK or do you just not like the fact that he is having sex with someone you haven't met? Or possibly that he is having meaningless sex.

My kids are still younger, 13 and 17 so I'm trying my best to think how I would feel about it but really its just a guess.

I do keep coming back to he is 34 years old. I truly believe I would not have had a problem with this situation at all. I also respect that he did not have her sleep there while his kids were there. That played a BIG part in my opinion.

So for me - you werent home, the kids werent there and your description of how it was handled makes me believe you over-reacted.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

He is way out of line, and is behaving like a teenager who will play while mommy and daddy are away.... (which is also evidenced by his current financial/personal situation, having to move back in with mommy and daddy)

Excuse me?

So any adult who has financial problems (even if it is through no fault of their own) that lives at home is basically a child?


You don't know what situations are. You have no right to judge people like this without all the facts and details of every indivudual.

 

[whatcateydid]

Personally, I'd feel a bit weird about having someone I didn't know staying in my house, sex or no sex. I'm in my 20s and a while ago one of my friends was staying with me, and I specifically asked her not to bring her new boyfriend back to stay at my house. It's not because I didn't agree with them having sex, or because I was prudish. It was because I didn't know the guy and I'd have felt uncomfortable with him being there. It's a familiarity thing, not a prudish thing.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Excuse me?
So any adult who has financial problems (even if it is through no fault of their own) that lives at home is basically a child?

What he heck????
Where are you getting that.
Nope, not what I said, or meant, at all.

I never said he was a child....
I said, several times, HE IS A 34 YEAR OLD ADULT....
(there, does the bolding help any)
Therefore should be conducting himself and taking responsibility for himself as an adult... not acting like a 'teenager' and sneaking a girl into his room in his mama's home while she is away.
Nobody can convince me that he truly thinks that it is Okay and that he is 'entitled' to sleep with random woman in the OP's home....
He did, after all, wait until she was gone, and has never seemed to have discussed this possible situation. It is 110% clear that he must have know that his mom would at least be a little uncomfortable.

IMHO, (and, I am entitled to my opinion) a 34 year old adult who has not found a way to become financially solvent, keep a roof over their head, even drives mama's car, etc... is simply NOT conducting themself like a mature, capable, adult.

OP, I am sorry if you don't understand why you think the relationship is odd. But, I continue to believe that if any 34 year old, male or female, whatever, lives at mama's, for free, drives her car, etc... That it is a bit 'off', and possible a codependent situation.

 

[Lilogirl23]

Personally, if I was temporarily staying in someone else's home (including a family member's home) that I can't imagine inviting anyone over without running it by them first. It wouldn't matter if it was friends for dinner of a BF for the night. And I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the same from someone staying in my home, whether it's a friend or family member. JMO, but I think it's a matter of courtesy.

Good luck sorting through it all, OP!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well I think you are going to have to be more clear with him on what it is you want.

1. No Overnight Guests at all.
2. No Overnight Guests unless I've met them a minimum of 3 times and have given my approval.
3. No Overnight Guests when the kids are here?

I'm not trying to be difficult, you just don't seem like you've decided yourself what the rules are for your house so I don't find it all that shocking that he doesn't know them either. He can't read your mind. From that last post it seems like you don't have a rule against spending the night with a woman in your house ... you just want either veto power or perhaps for him to ask you first?

Decide what you want and tell him. And remember that while something might be "nice" for you --- as an adult man he probably has a completely different point of view.

This is a great post

 

[fenrir58]

Why does this have to do with sex? Maybe b/c I'm 21 yo, have my fiance sleep over in my bed and we've never had sex, this never crossed my mind, but IMO, the OP's frustration is that a stranger was in the house and if it was prudish to be upset with a grown man having somebody over without asking while the 'rents were away.

I personally would ask my mom beforehand if I could have peeps over while she was gone.
I don't think you're being a prude for wanting to know who's in your house. I would NEVER have a complete stranger over to the house w/o my mom's knowledge, just like whenever I do get married and move out, I would be frustrated if I came home one day and my hubby had a complete stranger over when the house is not up to what I would want a stranger to see. I had a friend one time when I was 16 break into my house in the middle of the night and crashed on the couch. I was just as, if not more, furious than my mom, and we actually knew this girl.

So OP, maybe don't let this thing get too blown out, but you have every right to your rules, just make sure your son knows them, I'm not him so I can't speak for what he was thinking. Maybe this is a learning thing for both sides, he needs to learn respect, and you need to realize that your son's an adult who's life has probably abruptly changed by moving back. He just needs a little reminder of where he is now, and what is expected of him(following what you set up in your household).

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

This whole thread became silly once the OP said that her original moral question would have been irrelevant if he had paid to stay there.

 

[JessicaR]

It's not his house, although it sounds like he believes it is.

Do you have any grown children that are out of the house and on their own?

My parents are still in the house I was raised in. I'm out of that house for over 20 years but, it's definatley still my house. I feel that way as do my siblings and parents.

The thought just struck me as odd.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm out of that house for over 20 years but, it's definatley still my house.

Again, WOW.....

Hey, that is nice if you (and your parents) feel like it is 'your house'.

That doesn't mean that this is 'right', or should be expected for everybody else (either parent, or child).

NOT AT ALL.

My mom lived in the house that we grew up in for many years, until well after I was grown and married.... Did I feel I always had to call and get permission to stop by? Did that mean that the door was locked and was not always wide open... NO!!!!!

But, there are boundaries.
Your boundary is not necessarily the 'right' boundary.

I would never have dreamed of assuming that I could do whatever, whenever, because, after all... it is MY house. Not for one moment....

 

[kirstenb1]

Personally, I'd feel a bit weird about having someone I didn't know staying in my house, sex or no sex. I'm in my 20s and a while ago one of my friends was staying with me, and I specifically asked her not to bring her new boyfriend back to stay at my house. It's not because I didn't agree with them having sex, or because I was prudish. It was because I didn't know the guy and I'd have felt uncomfortable with him being there. It's a familiarity thing, not a prudish thing.

This. I don't know why they wouldn't have spent the night at her place. The whole sleepover thing is awkward while you're still living at home.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Why does this have to do with sex? Maybe b/c I'm 21 yo, have my fiance sleep over in my bed and we've never had sex, this never crossed my mind, but IMO, the OP's frustration is that a stranger was in the house and if it was prudish to be upset with a grown man having somebody over without asking while the 'rents were away.

If the OP's problem had nothing to do with sex, it's even less understandable.

And OT, how can you have a fiancé if you've never had relations?

 

[cteddiesgirl]

And like I have said in another post. When I lived at home with my parents, it was MY HOME. I wasn't a guest in their home, I wasn't a tenant, I was a household member, maybe not on equal footing with my parents, but with the same rights as they had. I could chose who stayed and didn't stay with me because it was MY HOME, it didn't matter if they were someone my parents knew. Now if they were going to stay for extended periods of time, like when three of my friends moved in with me, yes there was a discussion to make sure it was ok. There were numerous nights that we would go to bed and there would be four of us in the basement, and due to where my parents live, they would wake up and there would be 15, just because people knew it was a safe place to stop and sleep it off. The only thing that I had to do was call if I wasn't coming home so they new I was safe and let them know when I came in so they new I was safe. Same thing my mom and dad did if getting in late or not coming home.

There's a difference. Home can mean many different things. A house is a thing someone owns.
It's not your house unless you can either sell it or break the lease. if your name isn't on the paperwork, then it's not your home. The only exceptions to this is a person who's married to the owner and underage children.

Home is where the heart is which has no rules. A house is goverened by rules.

I live with my dad. The house we live in is my home. But, it is my dad's house. Therefore, he can make all the rules he wants. If he wants me to be in bed by midnight, then he can make that rule. If he doesn't want me to bring people he doesn't know into the house while he's gone, he can make that rule. If he doesn't want me to have overnight guests for what ever reason, he can make that rule.
It doesn't matter if I pay him rent or not, but as an adult, it is my choice to either follow his rules, or find a new place to live.

Just like if you lived in an apartment. You sign a lease. You have to follow the rules set out in that lease.

 

[JessicaR]

Well, that is nice if you (and your parents) feel like it is 'your house'.

That doesn't mean that this is 'right', or should be expected...

NOT AT ALL.

My mom lived in the house that we grew up in for many years, until well after I was grown and married.... Did I feel I always had to call and get permission to stop by? Did that mean that the door was locked and was not always wide open... NO!!!!!

But, there are boundaries.
Your boundary is not necessarily the 'right' boundary.

I would never have dreamed of assuming that I could do whatever, whenever, because, after all... it is MY house. Not for one moment....

I wasn't asking you if it was right or not. I was expressing how I felt. It is extremely obvious you feel differently.

As I said in the OP - it struck ME as odd. Funny how we all have our OWN opinions. You seem to get very excited and agitated over yours. That's too bad.

 

[JessicaR]

Again, WOW.....

Hey, that is nice if you (and your parents) feel like it is 'your house'.

That doesn't mean that this is 'right', or should be expected for everybody else (either parent, or child).

NOT AT ALL.

My mom lived in the house that we grew up in for many years, until well after I was grown and married.... Did I feel I always had to call and get permission to stop by? Did that mean that the door was locked and was not always wide open... NO!!!!!

But, there are boundaries.
Your boundary is not necessarily the 'right' boundary.

I would never have dreamed of assuming that I could do whatever, whenever, because, after all... it is MY house. Not for one moment....

Wondering why you changed your post - did the AGAIN WOW make much difference?