SO - Distrusting Your Parents

[AuntieSkadoo]

I definitely feel that a mistrust between parent/child stemming from tales of fictional characters that bring you gifts and money and eggs filled with surprises is hard to pin on trust issues later in life...something else had to of been warped in your childhood...

If anything id be more upset that all the other children had those magical experiences...and id feel more isolated from them.

i vote heck no all the way to the north pole!!

 

[Northstar]

Well, yeah, the answer to the questions as posed is "Yes," but it didn't cause me to distrust EVERYTHING my parents told me.

It caused me to wise up a little and look for the clues that somebody was pulling my leg. Finding out about Santa caused me to re-evaluate the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and whether my dad really had eyes in the back of his head.

I do recall being ticked off that, when I directly questioned my mom when other kids were starting the Santa's-not-real thing, she assured me Santa was real. That made me look like a fool among the other kids. I think I threw that up to her a few times in arguments when I was a teen... but I got over it.

 

[violetrose]

Well, yeah, the answer to the questions as posed is "Yes," but it didn't cause me to distrust EVERYTHING my parents told me.

It caused me to wise up a little and look for the clues that somebody was pulling my leg. Finding out about Santa caused me to re-evaluate the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and whether my dad really had eyes in the back of his head.

I do recall being ticked off that, when I directly questioned my mom when other kids were starting the Santa's-not-real thing, she assured me Santa was real. That made me look like a fool among the other kids. I think I threw that up to her a few times in arguments when I was a teen... but I got over it.

This came up for my kids too, when they asked me directly I told them the truth. I didn't want teasing in school, and I didn't want my kids confused. My son every so often reminds me of the day I told him the truth about Santa. I'm a very matter of fact person so he had quite the shock that day. Jury is still out, but I'm thinking he isn't scarred for life.

The magic of Santa when they were little though are memories to me that make life worth living! I will treasure those days always and can't wait to have grandchildren to share those same traditions with.

 

[AlwaysMoving]

It caused me to wise up a little and look for the clues that somebody was pulling my leg. Finding out about Santa caused me to re-evaluate the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and whether my dad really had eyes in the back of his head.

I was saddened to discover you can't really knock children into the middle of next week.

 

[luvsJack]

That's how I always felt, and when I met DH I was amazed at how far his family went with the whole Santa story. My family did the cookies and milk and stockings and presents, but his family left Santa footprints, letters from Santa, reindeer food. They go all out. I adopted their traditions when we had kids, because it was so much fun.

That is exactly how I felt, it made Christmas so magical and fun!! I loved figuring out how to leave the footprints or designing the letter each year and getting it in their stockings to discover one December morning.

And after they stopped believing the kids enjoyed hearing how we did all of it as much as they enjoyed it when it was happening!

Oldest dgd is getting old enough now to "get" all of it so even though she won't be at my house on Christmas Eve, dd and I will have a ball figuring out how to keep Santa alive and well at our house for her (and at her house too!)

 

[Northstar]

I was saddened to discover you can't really knock children into the middle of next week.

Oh, no, another dream bites the dust!

 

[AlwaysMoving]

Oh, no, another dream bites the dust!

I also place, high on my list, the one about the stork bringing babies.

 

[Magic Mom]

I also place, high on my list, the one about the stork bringing babies.

DUH! Everybody knows you get babies from the cabbage patch.

 

[violetrose]

DUH! Everybody knows you get babies from the cabbage patch.

Huh. I thought it was because Mommy and Daddy wished on a star.

 

[Magic Mom]

Huh. I thought it was because Mommy and Daddy wished on a star.

Well, you wish on a star (or the wishing well) and THEN the baby grows in the cabbage patch.

 

[AlwaysMoving]

Well, you wish on a star (or the wishing well) and THEN the baby grows in the cabbage patch.

And then the stork brings it to your house.

 

[Magic Mom]

And then the stork brings it to your house.

And then a leprechaun puts it in a cereal box? Or am I confusing my stories? It gets hard to keep all the lies straight.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

It strikes me that what is 'real' is at the heart of the matter here. If 'real' only involves that which has a physical presence or identity, then a persons scope is severaly limited. Are ideas real only after they take some sort of concrete form or do they exist for their own sake? All those characters that make up fiction, are they just so much ether, or do they exist in the entertainment and joy they give as we read about them or watch them on the screen, large or small, or simply think about them at random times during our day. The idea that a parent guides a child through their development by allowin or helping them believe in those fictional characters is lying is a dreadful concept for me. It is a way of helping them come to understand that ideas are more important then just a stepping stone to some concrete item. Mickey Mouse not real? I think not. Not being able to trust your parents is rooted in issues far greater than just a belief in that which you can't touch or see in three dimensions in front of you. I think a parent that denies a child the opportunity to explore the wonders of these characters because of some misquided idea that they need to be 'grounded' or not 'lied' to has robbed them of a big part of what being a child is all about and doomed them to a life bereft of wonder.

I totally disagree that you need to pretend something is "REAL" in order to have joy and magic and entertainment. My kids, and now grandkids, enjoyed pretending about Santa, and understanding the spirit of Santa. Christmas is no less magical and enjoyable for them because they don't believe an actual fat guy in a red suit comes down the chimney. And they rush up to the characters and hug them just as enthusiastically as any other kids, saying 'Hi, Mickey! I love you!" They enjoy pretending and make-believe, and they know what they're doing. It's fun. I don't in any way think they are doomed to a life bereft of wonder. They like reading fiction, watching movies, going to theatre - none of it real, but just as enjoyable even if they know it's not real.

Teresa

 

[AlwaysMoving]

Mom spent our entire childhood trying to make us believe a ghost lived in our house. When she would look for stuff, she claimed the ghost moved it.

My son blamed stuff on his imaginary friend. Good thing he did not have any younger siblings. They might have trust issues with him in adulthood.

 

[hereyago]

I voted maybe: not for my DF, but my mom but I knew I really couldn't trust her from the jump due to certain things that happened.

My mom did the once you don't believe you don't recieve, because she grew up with that said to her.

i have never said that to DD13, I think it's a big mind intimidation thing. of course you won't say it out loud now because you are afraid not to get anything.

I knew by 3rd grade things weren't real. I wasn't ripped apart, I honestly thought it was funny that my df was cussing out my barbie townhouse,lol.

 

[YodaGirl]

I was raised in a religious home, as well. I never once thought that God or Jesus was not real simply because Santa, Tooth Fairy, etc. were not.

I had a problem (and still do) with the "forced" lying of children by their parents. I knew the truth for years before I let on because of, as my mom put it, "if you don't believe in Santa, you don't get presents". I didn't have the maturity to stand up for my ideals then. Now, of course, I would say "then don't get me anything" but I think it is unfair to put children in that position at such a young age.

However, you poll is inherently flawed and biased. The vast majority of people that celebrate Christmas do Santa, so the vast majority of respondants will answer "no". That, does not, however invalidate the experiences of the few that vote "yes", nor does it invalidate it as a reason to not participate in a common child-rearing practice.

I have yet to see a poll where someone doesn't think that it's flawed and biased.

Yes, a good bit of people "do" Santa. So, out of all the people who grew up thinking that Santa really did have a sleigh with reindeer who flew to your house and delivered toys, I was wondering how many felt lied to and whether or not that caused any doubt in anything else that their parents told them.

Not once did I say that it was silly (thus invalidating their experiences). I have heard a surprising number of people say that is why they don't "do" Santa...some have parental trust issues, some do not. Just curious as to how many actually had parental trust issues due to the above.

I'm afraid I must agree that you either follow it wholly through their lives, or not at all. Harry Potter, Mickey Mouse and all of the others who are "fantasy" fall in to the same category as Santa, Tooth Fairy, etc.

Why visit with Santa if you think it is a ridiculous lie? I truly don't see the point. If you don't believe and don't allow your children to believe....what is the point of visiting Santa? Or seeing a Santa movie? Sorry, I just don't get it.

Seems the judgment was started when the question was asked who of us are bad parents by perpetuating a lie with our children.

Mickey's not real?!

Seriously, though, I wasn't attempting to be judgmental. Just curious as to how many people this was actually an issue for.

You are the one that asked for the opinions. My parents did the Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy thing. I believed, and was not traumatized or question everything they ever told me.

I've done the same with my kids, and since I believe myself & DH to be good parents, it will not traumatize my kids to find out it's a long standing myth meant to spread cheer and joy. Will they question other things I've told them? Maybe, but probably not. I didn't. DH didn't of his parents.

I will say that while you feel judged by many here by their posts, your posts seem to scream judgement against those that do the Santa thing. Maybe prior posters are reacting to that.

ETA: Nevermind about you asking for opinions...for some reason I thought you were the OP. Either way, there's judgment from both sides being slung around on this thread.

See above comment.

I was raised Catholic and allowed to believe in Santa. I am now a non-believer. FTR, Being allowed to believe in Santa and then finding out he isn't real was never even a consideration in the deliberations I went through deciding if there is a god or not. So if that's your worry, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[CharliNye]

Well, you wish on a star (or the wishing well) and THEN the baby grows in the cabbage patch.

Thank you, I just spit my coffee across the computer table laughing at this one.

Sorry, but I have never understood the angle "but it's lying to them" in regard to Santa, Easter Bunny etc. It's not true and damaging lying, it's giving the kids something sweet and magical to believe in. Believe it or not childhood can be rough and having that little bit of magic in life can help erase some of the bad.

I have issues with my parents but holy cow them pretending to be Santa or the Easter bunny have ZERO to do with it. In fact I still love that they perpetuated that myth for us for years, and that they managed to make Christmas and Easter memorable holidays.

Also, it was Peter Olsson in the 4th grade who told me there was no santa. I cried and told him he was a liar. My parents confirmed it and I was upset for a short while but moved on, and my parents still left presents for my older siblings and younger sibling and self as SANTA for a few more years.

We finally told my 14 yr old son about three years or so ago. I think three. He's always been a believer and we were surprised he still did believe, but we figured other kids would beat us to it so we told him. He was totally awesome about it, said he had suspected but didn't want us to know for the sake of the little ones.(he has three much younger half siblings between me and his dad).

He still goes along with the Santa thing for the sake of his 5 yr old sister, who really truly enjoys the idea of Santa. She's truly into it. And he still gets presents from Santa each year. He just smiles and tells us thank you later.

Life is rough as we will all soon find out, magic can be forever if you let it be. You just have to open up your heart and imagination a bit more.

 

[AlwaysMoving]

Also, it was Peter Olsson in the 4th grade who told me there was no santa. I cried and told him he was a liar. My parents confirmed it and I was upset for a short while but moved on, and my parents still left presents for my older siblings and younger sibling and self as SANTA for a few more years..

You moved on, but remembered the kid's first AND last name.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I never saw it as my parents lying to me at all, but as them going to extra trouble (wrapping in different paper, etc.) to make my Christmas memories special.

 

[Andtototoo]

Sorry, but I have never understood the angle "but it's lying to them" in regard to Santa, Easter Bunny etc. It's not true and damaging lying, it's giving the kids something sweet and magical to believe in. Believe it or not childhood can be rough and having that little bit of magic in life can help erase some of the bad.

I have issues with my parents but holy cow them pretending to be Santa or the Easter bunny have ZERO to do with it. In fact I still love that they perpetuated that myth for us for years, and that they managed to make Christmas and Easter memorable holidays.

I agree with both of your statements. I have tremendous issues with my parents, but one thing I appreciate is that they chose to give me a little magic with Santa and the Easter Bunny.

The people I've known who have resented their parents in re Santa are those whose parents had the "believe to receive" mantra and enforced it, requiring that their kids express a belief in Santa through words and actions that the parents found credible. I actually know ADULTS whose parents won't give them Xmas presents unless they still pretend to believe in Santa (and yes, they've all told their parents to take a flying leap.) We never did this because I honestly think it's deeply manipulative and a form of extortion. I think that level of manipulative blackmail does inspire derision and disgust, as well as gives kids a parent-sanctioned opportunity to learn how to lie really well.