So apparently I'm the worst g/f ever for not adding Kari to my facebook

[SandrA9810]

So I was chatting with an old friend of mine from high school, and i asked if he had any recent pictures. Well he sent me a link to his facebook profile picture, but he wouldn't add Kari as his friends so I could see them. Since she's had an account for a while now and we share most our friends.

Well I decided to go ahead and create an account, even though I have no real desire for one. But it's a good way to share my pictures, and keep them private. My sister is on facebook, so I don't want her finding them. So I left all my settings to friends only. So I have to send an invite in order for them to find me.

Well I also decided to add some friends from my past. And well kari doesn't like my past. So I decided to not add her to it. I just don't want to it to become a breeding ground for hateful things. She knows I keep in contact with my old friends, but we don't talk about it all.

So apparently I'm now the worlds worst person for not making her my first friend. I mean, I'm the one that keeps her account current and if anything happens in my day, she's the first to know about it. I mean for god sake we live with each other. There's nothing to hide. I just don't want any friction with friends she doesn't like. And they're people I knew long before her. So they kinda come with the package and I'm not going to stop talking to them because of her.

 

[soulmates]

I can't speak for everyone here..I can only tell you, my partner is apart of everything I do. Even though our Facebook is all about us and she never posts, I do, I just feel its' the right thing to do, since we are a couple. I wonder how would you feel if she had an acct and you weren't included? Just a thought..

Hope things work out!

 

[ChrizJen]

OP, I can see where you're coming from.
My partner and I have separate facebook accounts because I don't know most of her old friends, and she doesn't know most of mine. It would be silly for us to share an account. We are "friends" with each other on our respective accounts, but I honestly have no problem with her knowing everything I do on facebook, and as far as I know, she doesn't have a problem with it either.
I could see her getting upset if you were going behind her back and contacting these old friends. But if she's aware that you're in contact with them, then I think it's silly for her to be angry. Have you explained your reasoning to her? Does she know that you were just trying to avoind conflict between her and your old friends? If you've told her and she still persists, perhaps you should add her. Let her deal with whatever conflict may arise between her and your friends.
The other question I would have is why she has a problem with your old friends. Not that it's really any of my business, but if her beef is that you had romantic relationships with these people and she'd rather you didn't have contact with them, then I can again see where she would be upset. But if it's simply a matter of these people were your friends and she just doesn't like them, then tough. You shouldn't have to give up old friends just because she doesn't happen to like them.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

I could see her getting upset if you were going behind her back and contacting these old friends. But if she's aware that you're in contact with them, then I think it's silly for her to be angry.

Completely agree! For a relationship to work you need to have open communication and to be angry at someone's past is a recipe for disaster.

If your significant other doesn't like someone in your life currently, then that's another issue. This is where the communication comes in, like why? If its because you've had relations with the person you're friends with in the past, that's just childish.

 

[zeitzeuge]

I agree with you OP. You've been open with her about keeping in contact with past friends. It's too bad that she can't put things aside and deal with it. No one should ever ask their partner to give up friends or not keep in contact with whomever you want. Being in a relationship is all about trust, no? I would have not added her either to avoid friction. I'm all about avoiding any sort of drama. Unfortunately doing so, you just created drama with her.

Good luck with this one.

 

[bubie2.5]

By not adding her, you're not letting her deal with it. I would add her, I would much rather have drama on facebook than with my partner.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I can really see both sides of this.

I can entirely see where you just wanted to have some connection with your old friends without the drama and figured Kari would rather avoid them and not have drama either.

When you decided to create the account did you tell her and tell her why? Did you also tell her you wanted to use it to keep in touch with old friends XYandZ and you were thinking it may be easier on her to just not be one of your facebook friends so she can avoid issues with them and ask what she thought?
Or, did you just create the account and invite those you wanted and not really give it a second thought until she found out you had an account and asked why you did not add her as a friend?

In the second scenario--while I can see that you might not have thought of it as a big deal at all--I can imagine that it might feel to Kari like you are trying to hide something (or someone) from her. I might feel that way if I were her. It is one thing to have a social outlet that your partner is not interested in and therefor does not take part in but something else entirely to tell the partner they cannot participate in something social you are doing (which by not making her a friend when she wants to be you kind of are).

Eitehr way, I hope you are both able to calm down and talk it out and reach a good place again really soon

 

[Sphyrna]

Eh, personally I think the whole social networking thing is overrated. I don't have a MySpace or facebook and I don't Tweet. Even my LiveJournal I haven't updated in years. Maybe it's just b/c I'm antisocial and I don't need a site to tell me I have no friends

 

[SandrA9810]

Since most of our real life and now friends are all mutual... most of them I'm friends by association because of her. And so I'll post on her account, putting my name first if I have something to say.

It didn't occure to me to tell her immediatly, well because she came home at like 1am and then left work in the morning. She found out by one of our friends that I created an account when she got to work. He has a lot of pictures of us. Since I'm usually the one to take pictures when we're hanging out. So I added him so I could have those pictures on my account as well. And plus he's a friend to me, not just because I'm her g/f.

Most of my friends from the past are all internet friends, but there's a few real life friends. And the reason she's pissed is because I have my last b/f as a friend. (they're the two i want to keep apart). It ended badly between us and she was in the middle of it. So she's always afraid I'm going to go running back to him (which he lives in northern Canada). I would figure after being with her for 6yrs, she'd get over it. That's 3 times longer than when I was with him. And I spent 2 grand for a huge proposal thing on top of wilderness lodge to say I would be with her forever. But that's still not enough security for her.

She went to the point of telling me I had to create a second account just so she could list me as her g/f on her account. Like she went nut-so over all this. And saying that her other friends are better than me because they added her as a friend. Like facebook was the most important thing in the world. Or I had to defriend him for her to be ok with no being my "friend".

I tried to explain it to her as simply as I could. And the more she went on... the more it ticked me off and I wouldn't back down. And she's completely fine with me email and chatting on AIM... which is something I do way more often with them anyways. I just wanted to share my pictures privately.

 

[SandrA9810]

I find them highly over-rated. Especially since she's got like 200 friends listed. More people than she cares to keep track of.

My main purpose was to be able to share photos with friends privatly without adding them into emails or via AIM. And the photos are all of me and her anyways. And I don't mind keeping her account update with the same pics.
1. I don't want my family seeing them (especially from W.L.)
2. I don't want my friends to have to be friends on her account. She has no desire to see what they post about.

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

I understand both sides.

It seems that this is just a very hot topic right now.

Maybe the best thing is to let it cool down and take it from there. You might have better results if you explain yourself when she is not so upset.

Hope it all works out.

 

[sirJeffrey90]

Just add her. It's easier than going through stressful drama; but you should tell Keri that she's acting childish, I mean shes angry at you for not adding her first?!?!?!Come on! And about the issue about your ex, tell her (as odd as it may sound) to move on and forget the past...if you have she DEFINATELY should. But a facebook is no reason to put strain like this in a relationship.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

...tell her (as odd as it may sound) to move on and forget the past...if you have she DEFINATELY should.

Never forget the past, but don't live in it either, rather learn from it. If you have learned from it, it should be a lesson to your significant other to learn from it as well.

 

[DVCajun]

Yikes. Your point may be valid, but you're allowing it to come between you as a couple -- sometimes you have to give some ground for the sake of the one you love. You anticipated drama because of potential (not even actual!) communications with friends she doesn't care for, so you cut her out of the loop entirely. She didn't even have the chance to screw it up -- you assumed the worst from the get-go. I can see why she would be insulted. Add to that the fact that she's a facebook junkie, and it just adds salt to the wound -- now her gf has an account but refused to add her as a friend. Who cares if *you* don't think it's a big deal? If it's a big deal to her, it's a big deal to you as a couple. Hasn't this entire debacle proved that? You avoided drama in your facebook account by creating it at home -- which is more important?

But I'm guessing this facebook drama is a symptom of much bigger issues, and adding her as a friend isn't going to fix them.

 

[soulmates]

Yikes. Your point may be valid, but you're allowing it to come between you as a couple -- sometimes you have to give some ground for the sake of the one you love. You anticipated drama because of potential (not even actual!) communications with friends she doesn't care for, so you cut her out of the loop entirely. She didn't even have the chance to screw it up -- you assumed the worst from the get-go. I can see why she would be insulted. Add to that the fact that she's a facebook junkie, and it just adds salt to the wound -- now her gf has an account but refused to add her as a friend. Who cares if *you* don't think it's a big deal? If it's a big deal to her, it's a big deal to you as a couple. Hasn't this entire debacle proved that? You avoided drama in your facebook account by creating it at home -- which is more important?

But I'm guessing this facebook drama is a symptom of much bigger issues, and adding her as a friend isn't going to fix them.

What I wanted to say. Valid point, sounds like there are bigger issues. Hoping it can be worked out. Sounds like a huge trust issue.