Sister's house is a slum

[disykat]

I'll never understand the DIS. Someone posts about how alarmed they were about the state of her sister's home, to the point that she is worried about the kids, and the majority of people jump all over her assuming she's being judgemental about a little mess? It doesn't sound like OP is talking about clutter and dust here.

I'm assuming it was alarmingly bad. I'm assuming DH's reaction is one of anger because he has watched his wife's family enable this sister for years and this is the result. Sometimes anger is a natural reaction to situations over which you have no control. It doesn't automatically make OP's DH an ogre.

If I walked into that situation, I think it would be natural to be alarmed, angry that the kids are growing up this way, worried that when they come to my home they might bring bugs with them, angry if I felt the wife's family had enabled this situation for years. I'd also be freaked out that we'd been letting someone who lived like that housesit while we were on vacation.

I watch those shows on tv and if I discovered my sister lived like that I'd be angry too. Even with total strangers, I'm pretty disgusted. With my sister, I'd feel more ownership, guilt, etc. and that would probable bring out anger initially.

As it stands, my sister is much sloppier than I am. My brother used to be too before he got married. No big deal, their house, their standards. However, I can say that because it was never at the point where I was alarmed by it.

 

[donald&daisy]

I'll never understand the DIS. Someone posts about how alarmed they were about the state of her sister's home, to the point that she is worried about the kids, and the majority of people jump all over her assuming she's being judgemental about a little mess? It doesn't sound like OP is talking about clutter and dust here.

I'm assuming it was alarmingly bad. I'm assuming DH's reaction is one of anger because he has watched his wife's family enable this sister for years and this is the result. Sometimes anger is a natural reaction to situations over which you have no control. It doesn't automatically make OP's DH an ogre.

If I walked into that situation, I think it would be natural to be alarmed, angry that the kids are growing up this way, worried that when they come to my home they might bring bugs with them, angry if I felt the wife's family had enabled this situation for years. I'd also be freaked out that we'd been letting someone who lived like that housesit while we were on vacation.

I watch those shows on tv and if I discovered my sister lived like that I'd be angry too. Even with total strangers, I'm pretty disgusted. With my sister, I'd feel more ownership, guilt, etc. and that would probable bring out anger initially.

As it stands, my sister is much sloppier than I am. My brother used to be too before he got married. No big deal, their house, their standards. However, I can say that because it was never at the point where I was alarmed by it.

ITA. I often am amazed at the conclusions people jump to (see: earlier suggestion that there may be ordinances about opposite sex kids sharing a room).

 

[okeydokey]

I'll never understand the DIS. Someone posts about how alarmed they were about the state of her sister's home, to the point that she is worried about the kids, and the majority of people jump all over her assuming she's being judgemental about a little mess? It doesn't sound like OP is talking about clutter and dust here.

I'm assuming it was alarmingly bad. I'm assuming DH's reaction is one of anger because he has watched his wife's family enable this sister for years and this is the result. Sometimes anger is a natural reaction to situations over which you have no control. It doesn't automatically make OP's DH an ogre.

If I walked into that situation, I think it would be natural to be alarmed, angry that the kids are growing up this way, worried that when they come to my home they might bring bugs with them, angry if I felt the wife's family had enabled this situation for years. I'd also be freaked out that we'd been letting someone who lived like that housesit while we were on vacation.

I watch those shows on tv and if I discovered my sister lived like that I'd be angry too. Even with total strangers, I'm pretty disgusted. With my sister, I'd feel more ownership, guilt, etc. and that would probable bring out anger initially.

As it stands, my sister is much sloppier than I am. My brother used to be too before he got married. No big deal, their house, their standards. However, I can say that because it was never at the point where I was alarmed by it.

You're absolutely right. The OPs sister has a drinking problem and it sounds as if her kids are living in an unsafe and unsanitary home but everyone jumps on the OPs marriage as the problem. I think the OP is right to be worried.

 

[ameraumi]

I know there are ordinances here for HUD housing. One of the apartment buildings I looked at when DS was an infant was income based and stated that opposite sex children must have their own bedrooms. I also know it was stated in our custody papers.

As for the house, the OP has every right to be worried.

 

[5 'LIL *TWINKERS*]

WOW! Where is the OP? I know...... many of you scared her away.

She came here for support and all she is getting is ragging on

I think she has every right to be worried about her sister and her children. Especially about the electrical thing in the bedroom. Fire or electricution anyone?

Geesh!! Get a grip people. You know, when I am really worked up or upset, I don't relay info that great.....sometimes leave things out, or not explain things right, etc. You people are making her feel like theres something wrong with her/her marriage. That is just uncalled for if you ask me.

I agree with op about the kids sharing a room. I don't think that is right after a certain age. I never did with my brother (and we lived in single wide trailers growing up). If need be, the brother can sleep on the couch or a cot in another room. My daughters and son never have shared a room.
Thats my opinion though, Im not gonna rag on someone if they think differently or make them feel like they have to PROVE the point or show evidence of a law existing for it.

If you can't be supportive and helpful to the op about her question, or seeking of help, don't reply!!

to OP


FLAME AWAY

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'll never understand the DIS. Someone posts about how alarmed they were about the state of her sister's home, to the point that she is worried about the kids, and the majority of people jump all over her assuming she's being judgemental about a little mess? It doesn't sound like OP is talking about clutter and dust here.

I'm assuming it was alarmingly bad. I'm assuming DH's reaction is one of anger because he has watched his wife's family enable this sister for years and this is the result. Sometimes anger is a natural reaction to situations over which you have no control. It doesn't automatically make OP's DH an ogre.

If I walked into that situation, I think it would be natural to be alarmed, angry that the kids are growing up this way, worried that when they come to my home they might bring bugs with them, angry if I felt the wife's family had enabled this situation for years. I'd also be freaked out that we'd been letting someone who lived like that housesit while we were on vacation.

I watch those shows on tv and if I discovered my sister lived like that I'd be angry too. Even with total strangers, I'm pretty disgusted. With my sister, I'd feel more ownership, guilt, etc. and that would probable bring out anger initially.

As it stands, my sister is much sloppier than I am. My brother used to be too before he got married. No big deal, their house, their standards. However, I can say that because it was never at the point where I was alarmed by it.

A voice of reason!!!!

OP, I can understand how you feel.
While it is not the level to which you describe, I have a close relative with 3 kids, and it has not always been pretty.... It is upsetting...

I do see huge red flags in the combination of the way this sister has isolated herself and the apparent living conditions. These things together can be indicative of heavy issues such as drugs, an abusive/controlling spouse/parent, etc....

I know it hurts...
But, at this point I think that the only thing you might try is to be a little closer to your sister to get a better insight into her current situation.

I would not offer to 'clean', etc... that will almost 100% be taken as presumptuous and judgmental. (now, if the sister ASKS for assistance..)

I have also seen situations such as one recent poster described where family members moved in with a well meaning vengeance... cleaning, organizing, helping, etc... And, yep, you guessed it... a few weeks/months later, you would never even see that this effort was made. A complete and total return to the original status quo.

When people live like this... When their lives are out of control, etc... There are reasons. There are issues... And unless these reasons/issues are resolved, then almost 100% chance that nothing will change.

PS: I do feel bad about your husband's reaction. But, I also understand that he may have valid reasons based on his views, family history, etc... for his feelings. My husband has seen some disfunctional situations in my family, and he would feel that we were just being used and taken advantage of and be compromising OUR family, if we were to go out on any kind of limb personally or financially.

If he is just being controlling and judgmental, then you might be concerned.... But, if he is just really and truly setting out the limits of his boundaries and is concerned for YOUR family... then I can at least try to understand.

From personal experience, I can tell you that when you try to help those who are not ready to help themselves, you can get burned. It can be an effort in futility.

I would try to be closer to your sister (IN A COMPLETELY FRIENDLY AND OPEN AND NON-QUESTIONING WAY) to get a better insight.

 

[Dancemom03]

OP came, posted, then left. Maybe if the questions several PPs asked about how OP/DH ended up in kids bedroom when only letting dog out were answered - or more than just a dirty, semi-broken stove and open electrical panel were described, we'd have more constructive suggestions.

I especially don't get the anger and forbidding DSIL to visit or house-sit for you in future since it appears your house/animals were fine during her past visits. Isn't that kind of like cutting off your nose to spite your face? I mean, when she's at your home, isn't she really doing you & DH a huge favor by house/pet-sitting??

We leave for vacation at the end of the week and that service sure isn't cheap, nor are many folks willing to step up to the plate to volunteer these days. Even paid professionals have a wait list during the busier months and often have to turn excess clients away. You can send her on over to my house anytime...

 

[5 'LIL *TWINKERS*]

Who cares how they ended up in the kids room! Maybe their room is right across from the door she walked into the house from. Maybe she walked past the room and happened to look in there. Who knows, who cares! Maybe she has seen that room in the past and knows whats in there or that they share a room. What does it matter?

I don't think op was complaining about her sister, I took from it, that she is worried and concerned about her sister and her children and she doesn't know what, if anything she should do.

She is asking for help and opinions. Certainly not to be flamed for going in a certain room of the house or her husband comments, etc. And not to be accused of not appreciating her sisters help in taking care of her own house/animals.

Its shocking how people are so judgemental of other people. No wonder Im in therapy

 

[mjantz]

One thing I feel the need to 'say' is that I might say 'DH says its not going to happen'. That shouldn't be taken as a unilateral decision by him. That may mean that he brought it up & we talked about it & while I didn't agree I did see that he was correct so while it was our decision he instigated it & it was more his opinion than mine.

For example, a few months ago I wanted to take a big trip that would have really strained our budget. He finally looked at me & said 'Its just not possible'. Someone might say he didn't 'let' us go on the trip. The truth is that he made the realities clear & while I didn't like it, he was right & I did agree with his assessment.

 

[5 'LIL *TWINKERS*]

Good explanation mjantz.......I have been in that scenerio many times with dh
He's always the one saying "we can't do it!!"

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I have not been in my sister's house in years. She went away for the weekend & asked me to let her dog's out. DH & I went over tonite and were stunned at how awful the house is. It looks like the houses you see on TV that are in the slums.

She is married, they have 2 kids 11 & 9, boy & girl who share a bedroom. There is an open electrical panel in the kids room. The stove in the kitchen is missing 2 burners and there is dried up food all over it. No furniture in the living room. It is just horrible.

DH & I came home, he is furious with me, with her. He doesn't want her in our house anymore (she stays here to watch my dogs when I go away)

If she was reported to the authorities I am afraid they will take the kids away. I just don't know what to do. I can't take the kids, my DH would not allow that. I guess my DH is right, I am an enabler, just like my mom was always with her.

I haven't read all the posts so I apologize if I'm repeating anyone.

First, why has it been so long since you were at her house? If you had been there earlier perhaps things wouldn't have become so dismal.

I don't understand why your husband is acting the way he is...seems your sister has a major problem & I don't believe when family has a problem the answer is to cut them out of your life & not allow them in your home. What does your husband think that will accomplish and/or fix?

Being there are kids in the home it is more important than ever that you are there to support your sister, niece & nephew. You need to chat with your sister & perhaps bring someone else along that can be supportive. Bring all the issues to her attention, give her options & time to fix the problems. If she can't comply with the changes that are in best interest of the children you must contact children's services.

 

[Dancemom03]

I don't think op was complaining about her sister, I took from it, that she is worried and concerned about her sister and her children and she doesn't know what, if anything she should do.

She is asking for help and opinions. Certainly not to be flamed for going in a certain room of the house or her husband comments, etc. And not to be accused of not appreciating her sisters help in taking care of her own house/animals.

Its shocking how people are so judgemental of other people. No wonder Im in therapy

I'm not flaming OP - I am curious, as are others, as to how OP's DH came to be in the children's bedroom. No flames here, just a question, mostly motivated by curiousity as we leave in less than a week. Until this thread, I'd considered taking my DSIL up on her offer to walk/feed the dog b/c our normal kennel is full. We're on their wait-list for a last minute cancellation.
With a new puppy in the house, I've been following threads about dogs/dog-sitting costs avidly the past few months. I remembered the OP's post in another thread I'd been watching. It sounded to me like she had a good relationship with her sister dog-sitting. I am truly sorry for the obvious family upset and potential permanent hard feelings this may cost them...

I pay my dog sitter $20 per visit for 2 dogs. She comes 2x a day. My sister stays overnight. I don't pay her anything.

As for being judgemental... I am less than a week away from vacation. I need it badly so if my question seemed jusgemental to you, I'm sorry, it wasn't meant to be. I always try to look for a positive explanation of things whenever possible. I guess I live a "glass is half full" kind of existence - or try to.

To say that SIL - or anyone - would lose lose her kids if reported, that she may have a drinking problem, or that she might infest my home with bugs while doing me a favor, is what sounds judgemental to me. There are many reasons one might let housework and home maintenance suffer.

Because I read the thread from my own perspective, my take on what/why OP posted is a bit different than yours. Everyone reads things differently. That's the nature of the internet, not to mention human nature. The only way for strangers to respond in a constructive way is if subsequent clarifications are offered about the situation.

As the mother of children just a year less than the thirteen years apart that OP and her sis are, I know how hard it can be for siblings of that wide age spread to bond, and maintain that special bond on their own as adults. They are almost different generations and sure to have differing lifestyles. It'd be a shame to see the closeness lost if it isn't a truly critical situation.
I pray the OP and her sis will be able to continue the relationship they now enjoy and that it continues to grow stronger and even better.

 

[Disney Doll]

See bolded

I'll never understand the DIS. Someone posts about how alarmed they were about the state of her sister's home, to the point that she is worried about the kids, and the majority of people jump all over her assuming she's being judgemental about a little mess? It doesn't sound like OP is talking about clutter and dust here. Well, that would beg the question "Why hasn't the OP been to her sister's house in a long time?". It would also beg the question "Is this abnormal behavior for the OP's sister? Is she usually a pretty clean person and now suddenly is living in squalor?".I guess I am wondering whyt his is coming as such a surprise to the OP if she & her sister are as close as she indicates that they are.

I'm assuming it was alarmingly bad. I wouldn't assume that. Again, one person's definition of squalor and filth may be another's "normal" lifestyle. I'm assuming DH's reaction is one of anger because he has watched his wife's family enable this sister for years and this is the result. Well, as an in-law, really it is not his place to say much about anything, quite frankly. Sometimes anger is a natural reaction to situations over which you have no control. It doesn't automatically make OP's DH an ogre. Him being furious at his own wife for her sister's preceived shortcomings doesn't make him an ogre, but it doesn't make him right, either.
If I walked into that situation, I think it would be natural to be alarmed, angry that the kids are growing up this way, worried that when they come to my home they might bring bugs with them, angry if I felt the wife's family had enabled this situation for years. I'd also be freaked out that we'd been letting someone who lived like that housesit while we were on vacation.

I watch those shows on tv and if I discovered my sister lived like that I'd be angry too. Even with total strangers, I'm pretty disgusted. With my sister, I'd feel more ownership, guilt, etc. and that would probable bring out anger initially.

As it stands, my sister is much sloppier than I am. My brother used to be too before he got married. No big deal, their house, their standards. However, I can say that because it was never at the point where I was alarmed by it.

 

[Bluestars]

Mrsstats, I'm sure it was a shock to see how your sister and her family have been living. Judging from your reaction, it must be pretty bad. I don't think being angry with your sister will help anyone.

If I were you, I would ask her if she needed any help. Maybe you can offer to help her find some used, inexpensive furniture. Maybe she will let you help her organize things. Sometimes when people are going through emotional problems or struggling with addictions, even the simplest things can seem overwhelming. It might not be so overwhelming if you helped her tackle one thing at a time.

She might benefit from something like AA, but she is going to have to want to do that. Maybe if you offer to take her to a meeting or let her know where the local meetings are held, she will go.

One of the saddest things in life (to me) is to watch someone I love destroy theirs. I would say MYOB, but since there are children involved, I would at least try to see if there was anything I could do. If you try and she refuses help, then at least you tried. Maybe if you did it in a nonjudgemental way, she will be receptive. Good luck with everything.

 

[mrsstats]

1st let me say that I am not angry at my sister. I am just shocked that her house is in the condition it is. This is not just I didn't clean this week. The reason I have not been in her house is because she prefered it that way. She would come to my house or brothers for holidays etc.

Why was I in the bedroom? It is a very tiny house, you can't miss the bedroom.

I am sorry I posted here not because of the things said about me but because it is hard to put all the background information into a short post. We have helped my sister out many times. I had my husband co-sign a loan for her years ago only to have her almost default on it. She then did the same thing to my brother. But, we continued to help her out, learning not to lend her money or sign a loan for her.

I am going to try to speak with her but from past experience, I am sure she will just yes me to death.

I never said I would turn her into CPS nor do I intend to. My concern is someone else could do it.

My husband is very concerned about the kids being raised in this type of enviroment and points out the danger of the electrical panel . This is the full panel with breakers etc.

This will be my last post on the subject as it is just too much to go into.

Thank you disykat .....you understood.

 

[HighClass]

I understand completely.



For those who say why didn't you visit earlier....or helped make it better...


DH's Brother (who is now a recluse and bedridden with a broken leg that wont heal)& his wife are the sloppiest people we know.

I once took a large baking pan out of her kitchen cabinet to put some chicken on & she told me she had used it to put cleaner in to mop the floors. We eventually have no contact with them.


Fast forward many years-she now has all the gazillion boxes and misc junk from her parents house all in her garage and 2 spare bedrooms. One bathroom has no toilet. She is too embaressed to hire cleaning ladies because its too junky..(The only way we know this is their adult kids tell us)

DH's sister and husband went there to help clean up when the sickly brother broke his leg the first time,,,,you could not see any flooring -junk everywhere.
It took them 1 1/2 days to throw away the clutter-food thrown under their bed-it was unreal, and frankly unbelevable that they have sunken to this level.

A few weeks later the slob SIL called DH's sis sort of giigling that Sis ought to see their place-because it's all messy again! Like she was proud of the fact.

One of their ex-Daughter-in-laws refuses to let her child visit them (her grandparents)-yep these slobs have 3 grandchildren.


There is no way a sibiling can MAKE their brother or sister live a different way.

 

[KirstenB]

1st let me say that I am not angry at my sister. I am just shocked that her house is in the condition it is. This is not just I didn't clean this week. The reason I have not been in her house is because she prefered it that way. She would come to my house or brothers for holidays etc.

Why was I in the bedroom? It is a very tiny house, you can't miss the bedroom.

I am sorry I posted here not because of the things said about me but because it is hard to put all the background information into a short post. We have helped my sister out many times. I had my husband co-sign a loan for her years ago only to have her almost default on it. She then did the same thing to my brother. But, we continued to help her out, learning not to lend her money or sign a loan for her.

I am going to try to speak with her but from past experience, I am sure she will just yes me to death.

I never said I would turn her into CPS nor do I intend to. My concern is someone else could do it.

My husband is very concerned about the kids being raised in this type of enviroment and points out the danger of the electrical panel . This is the full panel with breakers etc.

This will be my last post on the subject as it is just too much to go into.

Thank you disykat .....you understood.

I can tell you love your sister. It sounds like she has lots of issues, and it's a complex situation. It's very hard to watch someone you love not functioning at their potential, or even close to it. I'm sorry, and I know a bit how you feel.

 

[Disney Doll]

I understand completely.



For those who say why didn't you visit earlier....or helped make it better...


DH's Brother (who is now a recluse and bedridden with a broken leg that wont heal)& his wife are the sloppiest people we know.

I once took a large baking pan out of her kitchen cabinet to put some chicken on & she told me she had used it to put cleaner in to mop the floors. We eventually have no contact with them.


Fast forward many years-she now has all the gazillion boxes and misc junk from her parents house all in her garage and 2 spare bedrooms. One bathroom has no toilet. She is too embaressed to hire cleaning ladies because its too junky..(The only way we know this is their adult kids tell us)

DH's sister and husband went there to help clean up when the sickly brother broke his leg the first time,,,,you could not see any flooring -junk everywhere.
It took them 1 1/2 days to throw away the clutter-food thrown under their bed-it was unreal, and frankly unbelevable that they have sunken to this level.

A few weeks later the slob SIL called DH's sis sort of giigling that Sis ought to see their place-because it's all messy again! Like she was proud of the fact.

One of their ex-Daughter-in-laws refuses to let her child visit them (her grandparents)-yep these slobs have 3 grandchildren.


There is no way a sibiling can MAKE their brother or sister live a different way.

Well, then she should not stand in judgement of them either, nor should her husband be mad at her for something her sister is oding that she cannot control.

 

[HighClass]

Well, then she should not stand in judgement of them either, .

I'm guessing you are referring to my post?

The ex wife of my slob relative's son won't let her child visit because of the mountains of filth-plates with old food scattered about, and frankly unclean cooking methods. When this relative brought food to family pot lucks i never ate anything she brought. I worry about expired food dates (like old mayonaisse) and she will leave food out for hours and serve to people.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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