Sister's house is a slum

[Dancemom03]

ohhhh... this is my worst fear... that my mom or SIL will come in and snoop when I ask them to watch the dog or feed the cats, then think I am a horrible housekeeper or have major issues b/c my home doesn't meet their standards - or worse yet, that of their spouses. It's something I'd pay whatever the kennel wanted to avoid at any costs.

I'm afraid my opinion isn't as warm & fuzzy as it could be b/c I feel that to allow someone into your home when you are away is exibiting supreme trust, and if that person snoops thru your home, looks thru your rooms, mail/bill basket, calendar, medicine cabinet, whatever... while in possession of your keys, they have violated that trust. Irregardless, I know people do it all the time. It's the reason my bathroom is kept extra neat and medicine cabinets organized. There's always someone who just has to open that door/drawer for a peek while the water's running...

You say that, despite the difference in your ages, you're close to your sister. I can imagine it must be shocking to see your family living vastly below your expectations but just b/c her house is messy, doesn't mean it is infested with bugs. Did you see any bugs? Has she ever bought bugs to your house or left it messy when she's visited?
Have you seen her drinking to excess or frequently intoxicated? Perhaps she's depressed. Lots of people dealing with depression, especially if compounded by marital or financial worries, let their houses go. Many also will not admit it, nor would you be likely to guess if you weren't around all the time.

I used to be very judgemental when I was younger. I was also much more particular and critical of those who didn't meet my preconceived notion of how things should be. As I've aged, I've started asking myself what is really important and - before I take a stand that may hurt a loved one's feelings - if "this is really the hill I want to die on today?" How important is it really to me... Is it illegal, immmoral, or truly hazardous, and will it personally affect me?

If two burners out on the stove don't bother the mom who cooks on it, I can't see how they should be a major issue for someone who probably only needs to refill the dog dishes, not cook anything there. What kind of electrical panel is it? Is it a light switch or wall socket - or a bigger circuit breaker type panel/box? Are there actually loose wires hanging out that could cause a fire or electrical shock vs. just looking bad?

I don't believe that the kids would be taken away unless there's more than just a lack of furniture, maintenance, and general upkeep.
I'm not sure I understand your statement that if your sister were reported they'd take her kids away, and that you can't take them in. Do you or your DH plan to report her?
You sure don't sound like an enabler to me... with that statement, you sound like a part of the problem. Perhaps instead of contemplating how you might lecture, punish or report what you see, it might be more constructive to spend a little time thinking of positive ways to improve their living conditions and lives.

 

[HelenePA]

Good grief I shared a room with my brother til I was 13 he was 11 no one came knocking on my parents door asking questions that is just beyond insane

I also want to say if she does have a drinking problem now is not the time to push the family away the kids need more help and love now more than ever I've been there done that got the teeshirt and dead mother because of it to boot

 

[agnes!]

Are you guys serious?! 11 and 9 sharing a room against the law?!?! WTH are you all thinking is going to happen?! What's freakin' me out is what you all might be thinking instead of what would ever happen.

Ok so no changing in front of each other obviously. Other than that please tell me what you think the problem is?

Excuse me, I did not say anything bad is happening, Ok? What I said was "I think it's against the law". I do not make the laws, but in my county I think families are not allowed to have minors of the opposite sex after a certain age share a bedroom. I COULD BE WRONG, IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.

If there's an open electrical panel in dangerous repair, that is an issue.
If the house is truly filthy or infested with vermin/roaches/etc, that is an issue.
If the children are not eating a healthy diet (living on diet soda & cheetos maybe?), that is an issue.
If they do not have appropriate clothing for the seasons (a warm coat in winter, for instance), that is an issue.
If the children are not receiving needed medical/dental care, that is an issue.

For most people at some point sharing a bedroom on an ongoing basis between kids of the opposite sex kind of becomes a little problematic...maybe when they're teenagers or maybe when they're tweens or maybe when the sister starts her period or whatever. If the situation is of necessity (maybe had to move in a rush/only place available doesn't have enough bedrooms), then I could understand as a kid having to share a bedroom with a sibling of the opposite sex. After all, families share hotel rooms all the time. *But* if the OP's DSis has enough space but chooses to have her family's bedrooms arranged this way because the rest of the house is too filthy or whatever, then I must admit I don't understand it. The OP seems somewhat surprised that the siblings are sharing a bedroom, so that indicates that there could be enough bedrooms in the house.

agnes!
PS - And yes, I tried to see if I'm totally off on this and look up a possibly appropriate ordinance but I can't find it, so maybe it's just for fosters or as part of the adoption process...I don't know. Criminy, I'm backing out of this thread now.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I there any way you can make time to tidy up a little, fix the burners etc, advantage the dogs... something? I know i'm saying to enable some more but, it's what I would do

I'd also mention that maybe she should have used her vacay money on other things ( in a very very nice way)

Eh, I dunno - being away for the weekend isn't necessarily a vacation. They could have had some family* obligation, or some single event (e.g. a wedding) to attend, too far away to just drive there and home the same day.

*on the husband's side

 

[shortbun]

It it had been me, we'd have fixed the open panel-cleaned up the kitchen and treated the pets. Sometimes families need help when they've allowed things to go beyond their ability to correct the problems. Taking care of your neices and nephews is not the same as enabling your sister. They are children and they deserve to be helped. Tell your husband to channel his energy into something positive.

 

[S. C.]

Maybe they had a stressful busy week with no time to clean up. Could of just got rid of the old furniture and are soon expecting a delivery of a new living room set.

She's your sister, talk to her when she gets back.

 

[darlak]

My overwhelming question after reading the OP's first post was how could your DH not allow you to take in your niece and nephew?

Regarding the conditions of the home, I didn't hear anything that rises to the level of a safety risk except maybe the exposed electrical panel. If CPS was called, they would most likely instruct them to repair that and give them an ample amount of time to do so. I've been in homes where the unsanitary conditions did rise to the level of a safety risk and your sister's home just didn't sound like it would qualify. Impossible to say for sure though without seeing it myself.

agnes...you probably are thinking of a foster care or boarding situation. In most states, minimum standards are quite different for natural families and foster parents. If most people have even heard the term "Minimum Standards", it's usually as it relates to a non-relative type of placement, so it's a perfectly understandable confusion, if that's what it is. Who knows though, that may very well be the local ordinance where you live. There are some strange laws in some places. It's against the law to keep a donkey in your house where I live. The cases I mentioned above were too horrific and disgusting to even detail here. I will say that one involved dead (long dead) animals and the other involved human excrement in abundance in places one would never expect to find it.

OP, if you really suspect your sister may have a drinking problem, then the condition of her home is likely a symptom of that. Also, if I understood correctly, she has stayed at your home before while you were away. If there wasn't a problem with bugs after those occasions, why would there be now?

 

[PatsGirl]

I think I might have tidied up a bit and left some fresh flowers for her on the kitchen table Whatever her "problem" is, it isn't yours and obviously she prefers not to have you to the home if at all possible. Maybe it's the husband, maybe its depression, maybe she drinks too much, whatever Why don't you stay in contact more often, ask if its okay to drop by occasionally, and get a better idea of what's happening with the filth and kids? Some of us have much higher standards than others, doesn't make us any better though

As for kids sharing a room, SHAME on those of you who think it is wrong. In this economy, some kids are lucky to have a roof over their heads! I own a two-bedroom house, couldn't afford an addition until recently, and my kids did just fine sharing a room. It's not like they are bathing together

 

[sunnyday123]

He doesnt want her here because he is afraid that her house is infesting with bugs and they would wind up brining them here.

He thinks I should confront her and have her realize that this is no way to be bringing up her children.

It wouldn't work for me to have her children here. 1st - I don't have the room.

My sister is 13 years younger than I am. We are very close but she never has anyone to her house. Always a reason, her husband didnt want anyone in, the dogs etc etc etc.

What is wrong with her? I think she may have a drinking problem on top of everything else.

I am just upset and rambling, sorry if it doesnt make sense.

She may very well have problems other than the drinking. People who tend to have very messy -not the usual kids had friends over messy-can have other mental issues going on. I would have a talk with her.

And I would have the room for my nieces and nephews because when my husband said they couldn't come over, he'd be sleeping somewhere else.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I have to question so many things about this post. You say you are close to your sister yet you have no idea that her family is living like this? Maybe money is tight for them. Maybe one of them lost a job. Maybe new furniture is being delivered. Maybe her dh is not so dear. There are a million maybes. Why don't you know any of this? It is possible that she is hiding it from you but you yourself said that she never invites people over. Do you not find that strange? I would if it was my sister.
The stove with the burners not working means nothing to me. We had a stove like that for a while mainly because I didn't feel like going to buy a new one. I was able to cook full meals every day. It wasn't immaculate? Big deal. Some people would rather do things other than scrub the stove.

If I saw a dangerous electrical box with wires sticking out of my niece and nephews room I would wait until my sister came back and then offer to fix it for her or pay someone to fix it for her. I can't believe anyone would live with something dangerous unless they had to for some reason.

Not everyone is a great housekeeper. Maybe that is not your sister's forte. Bi deal. She is your sister. It shouldn't matter. Also, perhaps she is depressed and simply does not care. Help her. That is not enabling. Find a way to help her. She is your sister!

Now onto your husband. I personally am not a fan of anyone "allowing" me to do anything. To each their own but I am a grown woman. Why does your husband not even feel bad for those kids? He is more worried about bringing bugs to your home? Seriously? Yeah, nobody wants an infestation but why is he not concerned that those children are living with bugs if that is indeed the case? I also do not get why he is furious with YOU because of how someone else decides to live. I would be beyond furious with HIM for acting like such a jerk. Way to have any empathy for someone. Is he always that controlling? Sorry but that just is so wrong on so many levels. Do you not find it ridiculous at all that he is behaving this way?

As for sharing rooms- please. They are brother and sister.

 

[happygirl]

I think you have bigger problems then your sister. Your hubby sounds like he has anger issues.

 

[sunnyday123]

Are you guys serious?! 11 and 9 sharing a room against the law?!?! WTH are you all thinking is going to happen?! What's freakin' me out is what you all might be thinking instead of what would ever happen.

Ok so no changing in front of each other obviously. Other than that please tell me what you think the problem is?

Chill, seriously.

I know from personal experience here, my best friend and I (almost 18 years ago, but whatever ) were trying to rent an apartment and she had a 9 month oldy baby girl. NO ONE would rent a two bedroom apartment/house to us, because she needed her own room. When I got divorced, they specifically stated my daughter needed her own room wherever her father lived, and they specifically stated THE FEMALE child. So it wouldnt be a stretch to say two children of the opposite sex would need separate rooms. Not saying it does'nt happen anyway, and there is anything wrong with it necessarily. I know if my brother and I were forced to share a room, only one of us would have emerged from it the next day.

 

[bonybroad]

I am not adding fuel to this fire, just an experience.
My BIL and SIL had their two kids (8 and 9) boy and girl in the same room.
The school distrcit reported them to CYS. They had to weld another room on to their trailer and prove that they were no longer sharing a room.
(I know that sounds silly, but they had to fix the problem.)
So it is against *whatever* rules here.

 

[hentob]

. I can't take the kids, my DH would not allow that.

And what did your husband say after you said "Please don't ever tell me what I am allowed to do!"


I say you call sis and say "When can I come over to help you clean? Sis, your house is out of control and I want to help!"

 

[Teacher03]

I think you have bigger problems then your sister. Your hubby sounds like he has anger issues.

Exactly! I can't even imagine my husband telling me my sister was permitted to visit our home.

OP, instead of being so judgemental, take a moment to find out what is going on. Maybe you can help find her used furniture, fix up her house, take her kids for a day, and most importantly, tell your husband he's being a jerk.

 

[MushyMushy]

I have to question so many things about this post. You say you are close to your sister yet you have no idea that her family is living like this? Maybe money is tight for them. Maybe one of them lost a job. Maybe new furniture is being delivered. Maybe her dh is not so dear. There are a million maybes. Why don't you know any of this? It is possible that she is hiding it from you but you yourself said that she never invites people over. Do you not find that strange? I would if it was my sister.
The stove with the burners not working means nothing to me. We had a stove like that for a while mainly because I didn't feel like going to buy a new one. I was able to cook full meals every day. It wasn't immaculate? Big deal. Some people would rather do things other than scrub the stove.

If I saw a dangerous electrical box with wires sticking out of my niece and nephews room I would wait until my sister came back and then offer to fix it for her or pay someone to fix it for her. I can't believe anyone would live with something dangerous unless they had to for some reason.

Not everyone is a great housekeeper. Maybe that is not your sister's forte. Bi deal. She is your sister. It shouldn't matter. Also, perhaps she is depressed and simply does not care. Help her. That is not enabling. Find a way to help her. She is your sister!

Now onto your husband. I personally am not a fan of anyone "allowing" me to do anything. To each their own but I am a grown woman. Why does your husband not even feel bad for those kids? He is more worried about bringing bugs to your home? Seriously? Yeah, nobody wants an infestation but why is he not concerned that those children are living with bugs if that is indeed the case? I also do not get why he is furious with YOU because of how someone else decides to live. I would be beyond furious with HIM for acting like such a jerk. Way to have any empathy for someone. Is he always that controlling? Sorry but that just is so wrong on so many levels. Do you not find it ridiculous at all that he is behaving this way?

As for sharing rooms- please. They are brother and sister.

AMEN!!!

If it were my sister having these problems, my husband would be the first over at that house fixing what he could fix and seeing what we could do for them within our means. And to even suggest that we can't take in any child in need??? Nope, will never happen.

Chill, seriously.

I know from personal experience here, my best friend and I (almost 18 years ago, but whatever ) were trying to rent an apartment and she had a 9 month oldy baby girl. NO ONE would rent a two bedroom apartment/house to us, because she needed her own room. When I got divorced, they specifically stated my daughter needed her own room wherever her father lived, and they specifically stated THE FEMALE child. So it wouldnt be a stretch to say two children of the opposite sex would need separate rooms. Not saying it does'nt happen anyway, and there is anything wrong with it necessarily. I know if my brother and I were forced to share a room, only one of us would have emerged from it the next day.

Children of opposite sex have been sharing bedrooms for centuries -- in fact, entire families have shared rooms at night. It's ludicrous to me that someone would make a law, rule, or ordinance against having brothers and sisters share a bedroom, especially when we're talking younger kids.

Silly to me that a 9 month old "needed" her own room when how many babies sleep with their parents anyway??? We rented 2 bedroom homes for years because that's all that was available to us. My kids (boy and girl) grew up just fine and won't be the subject of any Jerry Springer shows or long-term therapy.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I have to question so many things about this post. You say you are close to your sister yet you have no idea that her family is living like this? Maybe money is tight for them. Maybe one of them lost a job. Maybe new furniture is being delivered. Maybe her dh is not so dear. There are a million maybes. Why don't you know any of this? It is possible that she is hiding it from you but you yourself said that she never invites people over. Do you not find that strange? I would if it was my sister.
The stove with the burners not working means nothing to me. We had a stove like that for a while mainly because I didn't feel like going to buy a new one. I was able to cook full meals every day. It wasn't immaculate? Big deal. Some people would rather do things other than scrub the stove.

If I saw a dangerous electrical box with wires sticking out of my niece and nephews room I would wait until my sister came back and then offer to fix it for her or pay someone to fix it for her. I can't believe anyone would live with something dangerous unless they had to for some reason.

Not everyone is a great housekeeper. Maybe that is not your sister's forte. Bi deal. She is your sister. It shouldn't matter. Also, perhaps she is depressed and simply does not care. Help her. That is not enabling. Find a way to help her. She is your sister!

Now onto your husband. I personally am not a fan of anyone "allowing" me to do anything. To each their own but I am a grown woman. Why does your husband not even feel bad for those kids? He is more worried about bringing bugs to your home? Seriously? Yeah, nobody wants an infestation but why is he not concerned that those children are living with bugs if that is indeed the case? I also do not get why he is furious with YOU because of how someone else decides to live. I would be beyond furious with HIM for acting like such a jerk. Way to have any empathy for someone. Is he always that controlling? Sorry but that just is so wrong on so many levels. Do you not find it ridiculous at all that he is behaving this way?

As for sharing rooms- please. They are brother and sister.

Excellent post!

I've seen this with friends. I just don't understand why they let their husbands dictate to them what they will do. One of the many reasons I won't remarry.

 

[Dancemom03]

I remember in the early sixties when my parent's first divorced that IF YOU RENTED an apartment or house, the lease agreement stated boys and girls had to have seperate rooms.

I know this b/c I had to share the room with my mother - baby brother would have been a much preferable roommate and I'd have had more closet space but we won't go there... anyway, my brother got a large room all his own just b/c he was a boy and the apartment required it. Talk about fostering sibling rivalry... forty-five years later I still resent it.

I don't think they can tell you what to do... YET... in your own home, though perhaps that freedom is regulated by county/state zoning in some areas or something. We have excess bedrooms in our current home but I do know families who don't and the kids share rooms with no problems at all. Seems like I've even seen a couple of home makeover shows on TLC or STYLE for boy/girl shared rooms.

 

[bettyann29]

Why is your DH furious at you??

I wondered the same thing..

 

[Dancemom03]

She may very well have problems other than the drinking. People who tend to have very messy -not the usual kids had friends over messy-can have other mental issues going on. I would have a talk with her.

That's exactly what I thought. She may even just be temporarily burned out or busy running outside the home with the kids. I'm always amazed at how much time even a few lacrosse games or swim lessons can eat up. I like my home to look neat but my kids are my first priority. There'll be years to devote to cleaning and keeping things practically-perfect after they've grown and moved out...

And I would have the room for my nieces and nephews because when my husband said they couldn't come over, he'd be sleeping somewhere else.