SISTER issues!! HELP PLEASE!!

[pooh4evr]

My 21 yr old sister is dating this real looser of a guy I mean LOOSER!! He has no job goes from living with friend to friend dropped out of college with just weeks left has another girlfriend and has a new baby which he has never seen (2 months), She lets him use her car, phone, credit cards (all of which our parents pay for) and pays everythime they go out! DSis has gotten in trouble healthwise because of him (STD ) The list goes on and on- basically has anyone else had an experience like this- how can we her family get her to "see the light" She basically said this weekend that we either except him or she is choosing him over us! We don't want her to get hurt but is letting her "fall" so she can see him for what he is the right thing, or do you keep pushing? She is the youngest of 5 in our family and yes we have all made mistakes but this could lead to something serious. Or are we just overreacting?

 

[Crankyshank]

As concerning as it is for you and your family, the more opposition you voice against him and the more you pressure her into breaking up with him, the more you are going to push her away from you and closer to him.

 

[bananiem]

As concerning as it is for you and your family, the more opposition you voice against him and the more you pressure her into breaking up with him, the more you are going to push her away from you and closer to him.

Yep. Unfortunately I think this is true. Is there a way your family could boost her self-esteem so she can see for herself that she deserves better?

 

[SC Minnie]

As concerning as it is for you and your family, the more opposition you voice against him and the more you pressure her into breaking up with him, the more you are going to push her away from you and closer to him.

ITA. Sounds like from his track record he won't be around long and your sister will need a shoulder to cry on.

 

[Chicago526]

As concerning as it is for you and your family, the more opposition you voice against him and the more you pressure her into breaking up with him, the more you are going to push her away from you and closer to him.

What Cranky said!

A friend of mine dated a loser for 2 years. Not as bad as your sister's "boyfriend" but close. There was NO telling her that Mike was a total loser and that she was wasting her time, money, and putting her health at risk. So, rather than being AGAINST him, I supported and was there for HER. Everytime she'd complain "Mike did this, Mike did that", I didn't say bad things about him, rather I just listened and sympathised with her. As much as it hurts, you have to let her come to her senses on her own. If you and your parents push her to dump him, it then becomes a "Romeo and Juliette" situation were "the whole world are against two star-crossed lovers" and she'll never leave him.

I'm happy to report that my friend dumped Mike and is now seeing a very nice guy! It took a year longer than it should have for her to realize he was a putz, but better late than never!

 

[CapeCodTenor]

As concerning as it is for you and your family, the more opposition you voice against him and the more you pressure her into breaking up with him, the more you are going to push her away from you and closer to him.

I'd have to agree. This may sound cruel, but I would tell her that she can have him, but have your parents cut her off of the CC's and the car. If she want's to be with this guy fine, but tell her that your parents shouldn't have to go into debt for this guy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Don't make her "issues" your issues. Let it go....When you see her be polite, do not gossip to other family and parents, basically shrug your shoulders.

Easier said than done but it is better for everyone the long run. If you go after her you will be destroying your relationship with her for later.

If your parents are paying for her then that is there problem...They are grown adults and know what is going on. Stay out of it. Been there....not worth freaking out over it.

 

[Ziva]

As concerning as it is for you and your family, the more opposition you voice against him and the more you pressure her into breaking up with him, the more you are going to push her away from you and closer to him.

Very good advice.

 

[jonestavern]

I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, so please pardon me if I'm off track here, but, IMHO it seems first of all, whatever anyone pays off for your poor sis, credit cards, car etc that needs to stop. I know that won't be easy, but maybe
Mr Wrong will move on if his income sources dry up-

I think you let her know you love & support (emotionally)her, that you are always there for her, no matter what. If she tries to distance herself, still keep in regular contact, remain on an even keel when speaking to her, both in tone & body language. don't critiscize, she knows how you feel-

This probably doesn' even t pertain, but having experiences in this, I feel I have to say it, If you do notice physical abuse & you are certain report it

Lots of times these lost girls/women think nobody else can care about them & they are 'addicted' to Mr Couldn't-Be-More-Wrong--really, it's happened in our family! fortunately our family member turned her life around, but not before she (& the rest of us) passed through 8 yrs of misery.
She turned herself around--but it was difficult, for the last 28 yrs she's been married a wonderful guy & had 2 super kids, now in their 20's, & she got an education. so there is plenty of hope. I think most women do pass through this much wiser.
It's incredibly hard to watch someone you know let themselves spiral down. How long has she been 'dating' this loser? Has she dated this type before?
will she seek counseling or can you & yr family get counselling to help deal with this?

Best Wishes-
Jean

 

[pooh4evr]

Thank You - I really think and we (other siblings and I) have told our parents to cut off the $$ no more credit cards, gas cards, phone -mom still does her laundry!- if shewants to be and adult then let her see what the real adult world is make her realize how much things cost - I think once the $ is gone he will be too. On the other hand they just let her get a new car with payments of $450 a month what!!! and guess what she has no job so who is paying for it - I quess it its easy for us to tell Mom what she should do but when it comes to truly letting go of your kids and letting them potentially hurting themself it is hard to do! We try to call her and just talk but she doesn't answer when we call anymore.

 

[DisneyJen0504]

As concerning as it is for you and your family, the more opposition you voice against him and the more you pressure her into breaking up with him, the more you are going to push her away from you and closer to him.

This is true. One thing though-at 21, maybe your parents shouldnt be paying all her bills-that way she wouldnt be giving her cash away to this loser. He sounds like he is using her for that anyway.
She may need a little growing up...not having mom do laundry is a good example.
Best of luck-just try to be supportive but dont pressure her-she will run right to him.

 

[Chicago526]

Thank You - I really think and we (other siblings and I) have told our parents to cut off the $$ no more credit cards, gas cards, phone -mom still does her laundry!- if shewants to be and adult then let her see what the real adult world is make her realize how much things cost - I think once the $ is gone he will be too. On the other hand they just let her get a new car with payments of $450 a month what!!! and guess what she has no job so who is paying for it - I quess it its easy for us to tell Mom what she should do but when it comes to truly letting go of your kids and letting them potentially hurting themself it is hard to do! We try to call her and just talk but she doesn't answer when we call anymore.

Ugh! This sounds like one of those families on "Dr. Phil"!!! Your mom REALLY needs to cut your sister off, boyfriend or no boyfriend she isn't doing her any favors. You need to stress to your Mom that in the long run, she is HURTING your sister, not helping her.

Without addressing the "boyfriend" issue, here is what I'd do in your mom's case:

1) Sis only gets to drive car once she gets a full time job (or two part time jobs, if she can't find 1 full time job). OR, a part time job IF she enrolls in college classes (assuming she doesn't have a degree already) AND maintains a B average.

2) As with rule #1, if Sis needs to or wants to live at home with Mom, then she must work a full time job (or two part time jobs, if she can't find 1 full time job). OR, a part time job IF she enrolls in college classes (assuming she doesn't have a degree already) AND maintains a B average.

3) All credit cards, cell phones, gas money, food, clothing are CUT OFF. If sis gets a job due to rule #1 and/or #2, she should have the money to pay for all of this anyway.

4) Again, without mentioning "boyfriend" specificly, have a long talk with Sis about birth control and STD's. The one thing I would pay for is a trip to an OBGYN or Planned Parenthood. You think she's a leach now, wait until she has a kid!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank You - I really think and we (other siblings and I) have told our parents to cut off the $$ no more credit cards, gas cards, phone -mom still does her laundry

You can explain to your parents that they are selfish for trying to keep their daughter a dependent.
She is not being a good mother, in fact she is a terrible mother for doing this to her child.

Realize your parents have to shoulder most of the blame on this deal. Stop getting mad at your sister and focus on your parents.

When you place blame where it belongs you can move forward.

(Speaking from experience...my parents did this to my brother until he was 32). OK...they STILL give him money and THEY ARE POOR!!!

 

[Crankyshank]

Honestly if your parents know the boyfriend is mooching off of her, who in turn is mooching off of them, they are enabling the relationship by continuing to pay her bills.

 

[RadioNate]

Cranky got it right - the more you push against him the more she'll want to be with him. he'll dump her and soon as it isn't worth it to him to stay with her.

I agree about your parents cutting her off in order to cut him off. There is no reason they should be paying his bills.

All you can really do is be there for her when she falls. While I'm sure you don't want to see your little sister in pain, I'm afraid that's what it is going to take.

good luck

 

[MNmom2]

I'd have to agree. This may sound cruel, but I would tell her that she can have him, but have your parents cut her off of the CC's and the car. If she want's to be with this guy fine, but tell her that your parents shouldn't have to go into debt for this guy.

I agree - you guys weill either have to take the 'tough love' route or sit back and wait until she wakes up. If you bad mouth him I think she will try to 'prove' to you how wonderful he is.

 

[Nutsy]

Like so many have said before....I agree with Cranky


This reminds me of a friend on mine..........she is bi polar and has this guy who says he wants to marry her yesterday. She recently moved from living with her sis to a place of her own. His Mum passed away sometime last year and he was still living at home with her...........the family are selling the family home, so he therefore has no place to go. He assumes he will be moving in with my friend, but..........she can't have anyone "live" with her where she is living now........that is in the terms of the agreement. She is besotted by this guy......thinks he's so nice and such a gentleman.

Her family are dead set against him as he is using her and it's as plain as the nose on her face. We talked about it and I suggested to her to ask him a few questions............the answers were not surprising at all......just what we all expected and knew.............he wanted to move in with her ..........he has no job, she does cake decorating, and dressmaking to earn a living........so once again he was intending to sponge off her.

So, sad to see situations like this. But I do agree that more the family try to warn her off him the more the opposite will happen. She will hang on to him, regardless of what everyone else thinks and this will be to spite you all and prove a point.

Just try and be supportive of her even though it will kill you inside to do so.