Sister in law harassing DH for money

[SteveH]

Well been there done that. Sounds like my brother and your SIL should get together. My brother has a history of issues, including money. My parents bailed him out all the time, and sadly when they passed his source of money ceased, and he turned to me. I listed a dozen times to his pleas eventually they got more crazy and intense, I got to the point I didn't want him to start going after my kids. So I ceased our relationship and haven't spoken with him in well over 10 years. I've not get bad about it as I felt I needed to protect my family. Now that my kids are college and beyond I think about reaching out to him, but frankly I don't see the point.

You have to protect your family. If you have an abundance of money and want to give it, don't loan it (you know it will never come back) then feel free. But know you are just enabling continued bad behavior.

My wife and I talked about thing with my brother, she was the rock that helped remind me of our discussions when I felt weak.

 

[msjprincess]

I don't think she's going behind the OP's back. When my SO's parents asked they asked him. He is there son. I was not offended or felt slighted or betrayed.

He is her brother. Now not taking no for an answer is something else.

I agree, unless the sister specifically told him not to tell his wife.

 

[soccerdad72]

Unless your husband is asking for you to help get his sister off his case about the money, I agree with the others and say stay out of it.

 

[jenrose66]

What is her situation? Single mom? Unemployed? I would need more information before weighing in, but I am not sure I agree with previous posters that you should butt out. Your family's finances would be affected so I think you should definitely be involved in discussions with her if you want to be.

She borrowed money from a boyfriend that she’d been dating for a few months and the relationship fell apart and now he’s relentless about wanting the cash back. While this is going on her car died and she wants a new one. There are no kids involved, she has a job and lives with family rent free.

 

[morgan98]

I would have my husband block her calls or emails. And suggest he call the rest of family to see if she is doing the same thing with them. But let him handle. Sounds like she is manipulative or mentally ill.

I think jumping to the conclusion that someone is mentally ill because they ask for money is stretching things, at least in my opinion. Plenty of people have financial issues and ask people for money. She may be manipulative if she keeps asking or tries other methods to extract the money from her brother, but I do not get that she is mentally ill.

 

[msjprincess]

I think jumping to the conclusion that someone is mentally ill because they ask for money is stretching things, at least in my opinion. Plenty of people have financial issues and ask people for money. She may be manipulative if she keeps asking or tries other methods to extract the money from her brother, but I do not get that she is mentally ill.

I agree and I wouldn't be calling the rest of the family to talk about it.

I'm just imagining if I ever asked my sister to borrow money and my BIL decided to contact my family members about it.

 

[Pink Partridge]

She borrowed money from a boyfriend that she’d been dating for a few months and the relationship fell apart and now he’s relentless about wanting the cash back. While this is going on her car died and she wants a new one. There are no kids involved, she has a job and lives with family rent free.

If she lives rent free and has a job, I wonder why she initially borrowed the money from the boyfriend?

Looks like she may have to get a second or even a third job. Oh well.

 

[gillep]

I have been through this before, and have a slightly different take. I get that she felt comfortable going to just her brother (in my case they also knew their brother/son was a better mark) and not both of you, but that's just not how it would ever work with DH and myself, it is our money, and if someone wants any claim to it, they need to be able to be open to both of us, and we all need to be on the same page. I would not approach her myself, but whenever DH gets solicited from one member of his family we both call back together to discuss the situation, to let the person know that we are a united front, and that everyone needs to be at the table from the get-go in order for the discussion to even begin.

Neither DH nor I would not ever involve anyone else in the family, they aren't involved, and don't need to be.

 

[jenrose66]

Thanks for the replies. We actually are a close family. I know DH should handle it...I just know this is starting to wear on him. The reason I’m finding this so irritating is that his sister is very secretive and only asks for help when things get desperate. And imo she’s asking for the wrong kind of help. Money will relieve the pressure on her now, but it won’t help any behaviors that got her into this situation.

I know it’s wrong to meddle and it’s better to have DH deal. I had just found out about the co sign request when I posted this. I figured it was better to blow off some steam and see how others have dealt with similar situations.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I know it’s wrong to meddle and it’s better to have DH deal. I had just found out about the co sign request when I posted this. I figured it was better to blow off some steam and see how others have dealt with similar situations.

You are not meddling. It is your money too.

 

[Wishing on a star]

We all understand!!!
Hopefully venting here and getting some objective thoughts is helpful !

 

[mousefan73]

I'd stay out of it and let your husband deal with his sister.

Mmmm. I don’t know. DH and I have a joint checking account. If all of a sudden 8000 were missing without my consent too, there’d be a serious discussion.

 

[gillep]

Thanks for the replies. We actually are a close family. I know DH should handle it...I just know this is starting to wear on him. The reason I’m finding this so irritating is that his sister is very secretive and only asks for help when things get desperate. And imo she’s asking for the wrong kind of help. Money will relieve the pressure on her now, but it won’t help any behaviors that got her into this situation.

I know it’s wrong to meddle and it’s better to have DH deal. I had just found out about the co sign request when I posted this. I figured it was better to blow off some steam and see how others have dealt with similar situations.

As I said above, I don't see it as meddling, your SIL is asking for something that belongs to both yourself and your DH, and your DH has obviously brought you into the discussion by sharing her request with you. The co-signing thing is something that has always been especially worrying to me, we have been asked for money many times, we discuss together, then approach the person asking us together. We have been asked to co-sign something once, and I practically left work so that DH and I could deal with that immediately, there is just too much at stake, and it was important to both of us that the person who asked know that would never be an option and why, thankfully we haven't been asked again, but it is something that was a hard no from both of us immediately, no thought required.

 

[jsmla]

We had one of these-my husband's sister just couldn't seem to get her act together-and, speaking from the voice of experience, I would definitely stay out of it.

 

[Mermaid02]

Why not ask your dh if he would mind if you spoke to her?

 

[okeydokey]

Maybe to show you are on the same page, your husband can respond to his sister that "Wife and I have discussed it and we will not be giving any money or co-signing anything, but if you wish we would be happy to sit down with you and help you prepare a workable budget for yourself."

Honestly the best approach to repeated requests you do not want to grant, is to find a phrase and just say that phrase as often as needed. "We will not be giving you financial help". If asked again, "We will not be giving you financial help and we are done talking about it" Then do not respond to repeated requests. Short and simple.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't think she's going behind the OP's back. When my SO's parents asked they asked him. He is there son. I was not offended or felt slighted or betrayed.

He is her brother. Now not taking no for an answer is something else.

That is how I feel. When dh's sister asked him to borrow money I didn't see it as her going behind my back, I saw it as her asking her brother. I don't think she ever felt he needed to keep it a secret from me, I assume she thought we'd discuss it. Even so, it was his sister, she went to him so I felt no reason to go to her myself. My dh grew up with her, he knows how to handle her, even if she keeps asking.

 

[sam_gordon]

Mmmm. I don’t know. DH and I have a joint checking account. If all of a sudden 8000 were missing without my consent too, there’d be a serious discussion.

If all of a sudden $8K is missing from a joint checking account, the discussion should be with the other person on the account. It would have nothing to do with SIL asking for money, but everything to do with the spouse giving the money without consulting the other spouse first.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Yes I’ve been in your situation. Multiple family members. Multiple times. I’m done handing out money. Everyone can bite my butt.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Another vote for staying out of it as far as direct contact with SIL is concerned. Since your DH has shared the problem and his concens with you that is the person I would give advice to and nobody else.