Sister in law harassing DH for money

[rodeo65]

Had indirect experience with this growing up. My uncle came to my parents multiple times. He could just not manage money. Every time they paid off the debts necessary to have the electricity turned back on, stocked the fridge for his family and cut up his credit cards. A year or two later they'd have to do it all over again. I can recall three times for sure and I think it was more.

It never changed. This was my dad's brother but both parents were involved and both sat down and discussed the plan, helped them with a budget that was never adhered to and aunt and uncle knew my parents were a unit. Eventually, after the fourth or so time my parents just said no, sorry they could help. They had kids in university by then and had no spare funds. That wasn't the reason but it worked for them.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Mmmm. I don’t know. DH and I have a joint checking account. If all of a sudden 8000 were missing without my consent too, there’d be a serious discussion.

If the m oney went missing after having a discussion with my husband after we decide we weren't going to help her. I would be having a talk with him not her.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I would say to my husband "You want me to handle it?" and then when he said yes - I'd handle it. Happened to us once - and once I got involved it stopped immediately. We no longer have contact with this particular relative.

If your husband says no he has it - then stay out of it.

 

[usnuzuloose]

She needs to know you and DH stand together as one. And both of you should tell her together so she get the message is no. And don't fall for any guilt or shame.

 

[Lynne M]

Thanks for the replies. We actually are a close family. I know DH should handle it...I just know this is starting to wear on him. The reason I’m finding this so irritating is that his sister is very secretive and only asks for help when things get desperate. And imo she’s asking for the wrong kind of help. Money will relieve the pressure on her now, but it won’t help any behaviors that got her into this situation.

I know it’s wrong to meddle and it’s better to have DH deal. I had just found out about the co sign request when I posted this. I figured it was better to blow off some steam and see how others have dealt with similar situations.

The thing is, it's going to wear on him whether you intervene or not. It just is. It's a really emotionally stressful thing that's not going away anytime soon. She's playing off the family tie to pressure him.

There's nothing wrong, though, with the occasional helpful suggestion. You could suggest that he tell her that while he won't be giving her money or co-signing anything, he'd be happy to help in ways that don't impact his family's finances. Like, helping her look for a part-time second job to earn the money. Or, helping her sell some stuff on eBay. Or, he could even offer to pay for a session with a financial counselor.

 

[Darcy03231]

I would talk to DH to get his opinion before I spoke with SIL. I also would alert other family members. I say this because our oldest DD had a habit of asking for money occasionally, for such things as being short on the rent because the car broke down, car needed new tires, needed money for co-pays for dr. appts and/or medication, needed grocery money because she paid for dr. co-pays/medications, etc. Turns out she was not only calling us, she was calling her mother, her grandparents on both sides, her aunts/uncles and her brother. We found out that both she and her husband had a drug problem. With all the money she collected over the course of a year from everyone she would have had enough to put a down payment on a house! We all banded together and refused to send any more money. This was what they needed to get the professional help they needed to kick their drug problems.

 

[Nancyg56]

If all of a sudden $8K is missing from a joint checking account, the discussion should be with the other person on the account. It would have nothing to do with SIL asking for money, but everything to do with the spouse giving the money without consulting the other spouse first.

Exactly.

OP- I would just stay out of it. My DH has family who have gone to him for money, and they avoided doing so in front of me like they would have avoided the plague. No matter, he told me and he had already determined how he would handle it. Had I interfered in his family dealings he would not have been angry with them....he would have been upset with me.

The thing to remember is that your DH knows his sister, her circumstances, and her track record. You cannot change any of this for him, and most likely will only add to his stress level if you tried to do so on his behalf. I have found that the best way to support my DH in these matters is to just let him share the story with me, off an opinion if he asks for it, or ask him questions in regards to how would a "donation" make things better. So far DH has never gone against what is in the best interests of our own family in order to relieve pressure from a sibling or nephew.

 

[nkereina]

She borrowed money from a boyfriend that she’d been dating for a few months and the relationship fell apart and now he’s relentless about wanting the cash back. While this is going on her car died and she wants a new one. There are no kids involved, she has a job and lives with family rent free.

What is she spending all of her money on if she has a job and lives rent free? I had a cousin who was a manager making decent money, yet she couldn't afford to get a car or an apartment. No one questioned why, and she ended up dying of a heroin addiction that no one knew about. Perhaps there's something more to SIL's situation?

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Mmmm. I don’t know. DH and I have a joint checking account. If all of a sudden 8000 were missing without my consent too, there’d be a serious discussion.

I agree, but in that case, I'd be dealing with my DH. If your DH loans someone $8000 w/o discussing it with you, you have bigger problems than a SIL asking for money. IMO, her DH is doing the right thing by sharing the loan requests with her, but dealing with his sister himself.

ETA: I see I should have read all the replies, before posting. I'm just repeating the replies of people above me.

 

[design_mom]

I just wanted to tell the OP that I feel for her.

My SIL also is horrible with money. She and her husband both have good jobs but they live pay check to pay check because they spend, spend, spend. (They're very keep-up-with-the-Joneses people and they are both always chasing the "next big thing" in terms of multi-level marketing, etc. which always seems to end up costing more than they expected). When something unexpected happens, they can't cover it. Right now, they go to my in-laws who "help" (cough...enable...cough) them. But MIL/FIL are not going to be around forever and I'm quite sure that when they can't go to MIL/FIL, we're next.

My DH has already said "We're not going to do that." but I know it will be VERY difficult for him to say "no" to her in practice. SIL has apparently been this way since she was a teen and can be VERY difficult to deal with if she doesn't get her way, so she pretty much always gets her way (to keep the peace). The family has treated her that way for at least 30 years. I know it will be VERY stressful for him to say no to her when it comes down to it. It will be much easier for him to just give her what she wants, because that's what the family has always done. However, he knows that will not make ME happy, and it won't make him happy either, which will stress him out even more. ("I'm in a no-win position!" he'll say.) For the most part, I've kept my mouth shut about MIL/FIL helping -- it's their money and their decision. But SIL and her husband *should* have plenty money, so I don't feel particularly compassionate when they get themselves into trouble.

 

[MomOfDisneyPrincess]

Have you ever heard of Dave Ramsey? He has a radio show plus has written several books and developed a class for getting out of debt. It sounds like SIL needs to grow up and put her big girl panties on and figure out how to manage her own money. She would have to actually want to change, but many people have been helped by Dave Ramsey's common sense solution to budgeting and getting out of debt. His basic book is usually $10 and listening to his radio show is free. Maybe if SIL asks again, she gets a sit down budgeting session and book to take home with her. As long as people continue to enable her, she will never change. I worry about the family who is letting her live with them. Why in the world is that even happening?!

 

[Disney Doll]

Maybe to show you are on the same page, your husband can respond to his sister that "Wife and I have discussed it and we will not be giving any money or co-signing anything, but if you wish we would be happy to sit down with you and help you prepare a workable budget for yourself."

Honestly the best approach to repeated requests you do not want to grant, is to find a phrase and just say that phrase as often as needed. "We will not be giving you financial help". If asked again, "We will not be giving you financial help and we are done talking about it" Then do not respond to repeated requests. Short and simple.

This is good advise.

The way to deal with manipulative people is develop your response and repeat it verbatim EVERY TIME they ask the question. Even if they ask the question 25,000 times, which they won’t, because they’ll realize after they ask the question multiple times and get the same answer that your answer isn’t going to change.

 

[brockash]

My SIL has always been bad with money. Lately she has gotten herself in a desperate situation and has been begging DH for money for the last few months. And it’s not just a few dollars. She asked him for $8,000.

This is not right on so many levels. First, she is asking just DH when I’m not around and also she’s not taking no for an answer. So after asking him for cash (and him telling her no) she just asked him to co sign a car loan.

This is insanity! I told him under no circumstances would we be co signing anything for a grown woman of almost 40 who has proven over and over she is incapable of handling her affairs.

Because I trust DH to not give her money or sign anything without us having a discussion about it I haven’t said anything to my SIL. However she is really stressing DH out and I’m wondering if I should visit her and tell her firmly that we would be happy to help her with financial planning but that we will be providing no financial support. Has anyone ever experienced the same thing? I’m at a loss and I must say I’m deeply offended that she feels she is deserving of a handout and should benefit from our good credit...

Is she his sister and your SIL, or is she married to his brother or a sibling of yours? If she's your DH's sister, stay the heck out of it - it's not your place, especially since you trust your DH to not do something without having a discussion with you. My DH's used to be the same way, she's stopped now but only after a few times of not getting anything anymore. There's no way I would've stepped in and said something to her - she has every right to have a private convo. with her brother and it's not my place. I, like you, knew DH would never do something without discussing it with me first and if it were reversed and my sister was asking me for money, I'd be pretty offended if my DH went and had a conversation with her about it - not his place.

Now, if it's not his sister, or someone on your side of the family that's a little different.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My advice? I would say sit with your DH and have another discussion about the situation, esp. if your spidey senses are tingling that he is going to cave.

You don't have to be rude about it. Just tell him you want to talk about it because you are worried about him.

 

[runwad]

Do you like her? I don't like my SIL, I would have no problem calling her up and telling her to knock it off! DH doesn't like conflict and is usually a peace maker, so even if he would act mad at me, he'd really be relieved I took care of the problem for him.

I guess you know the personalities your dealing with best.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I would have my husband block her calls or emails.

Avoidance is a really bad way to deal with things. Needing money probably isn't a matter of being manipulative or being mentally ill.

The reason I’m finding this so irritating is that his sister is very secretive and only asks for help when things get desperate.

Look for community resources for her, or at least direct her toward those.

 

[wenrob]

I would say to my husband "You want me to handle it?" and then when he said yes - I'd handle it. Happened to us once - and once I got involved it stopped immediately. We no longer have contact with this particular relative.

If your husband says no he has it - then stay out of it.

This. My DH and I have what we call the “I’ll be the heavy” pact when it comes to dealing with our families. Neither of us minds taking the hit for the other and looking like the bad guy if it comes down to it.

Above all OUR family comes first and if this was something that was dragging my DH down I’d have a really hard time not stepping in and telling SIL to back off.

What I think you need to do is speak to SIL together, show a united front and make very clear it’s just not happening. Once she realizes you are involved and you’re not budging she’ll most likely stop.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

I think jumping to the conclusion that someone is mentally ill because they ask for money is stretching things, at least in my opinion. Plenty of people have financial issues and ask people for money. She may be manipulative if she keeps asking or tries other methods to extract the money from her brother, but I do not get that she is mentally ill.

Of course she's not necessarily diagnosed with a mental illness... but it's "crazy" to expect a sibling (married! In his own life!) to just hand over that amount of money without some kind of repayment plan from the outset.

You ask your parents for that kind of money with no strings attached. Anyone else.... you politely inquire about the possibility of a loan and you show them how you are capable of paying it back, and how quickly. If it doesn't even blip across your mind as a consideration, the "ask" is manipulative in nature. Play it off to everyone as a clear and obvious sign that the Sister is NOT thinking clearly and they shouldn't enable her begging either!!!!

I'm really shaking my head about the part when the OP said the money was needed to pay back an ex because she had borrowed that money too! What did she do with that money? Why does tying up the loose ends of HER relationship with her EX BF have anything to do with you, your husband, or your marriage? It doesn't and it's inappropriate to ask. If she blew the money on something, she is responsible for returning them and refunding this ex of hers. NOT anyone in her family!

 

[scrapquitler]

I agree with the poster who said to ask DH if he wants you to talk to his sister. I'd ask my DH if he wanted me to deal with her, (and likely he would say yes), and then I'd tell her that DH and I have talked about it, and we are sorry, but we can't help her out. And I wouldn't care if I had to be the bad guy. But I wouldn't do it without DH telling me to go ahead and talk to her first.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

My SIL has always been bad with money. Lately she has gotten herself in a desperate situation and has been begging DH for money for the last few months. And it’s not just a few dollars. She asked him for $8,000.

This is not right on so many levels. First, she is asking just DH when I’m not around and also she’s not taking no for an answer. So after asking him for cash (and him telling her no) she just asked him to co sign a car loan.

This is insanity! I told him under no circumstances would we be co signing anything for a grown woman of almost 40 who has proven over and over she is incapable of handling her affairs.

Because I trust DH to not give her money or sign anything without us having a discussion about it I haven’t said anything to my SIL. However she is really stressing DH out and I’m wondering if I should visit her and tell her firmly that we would be happy to help her with financial planning but that we will be providing no financial support. Has anyone ever experienced the same thing? I’m at a loss and I must say I’m deeply offended that she feels she is deserving of a handout and should benefit from our good credit...

I would not get involved. It is your husband's job to tell her no. In fact, I wouldn't even let her know I know about it. And if you do get involved, she'll retaliate by trying her best to come between you and your husband.
Never co-sign a loan. If you can't afford to give them the money, well you can't afford to co-sign their loan ether because if they don't pay, you're on the hook.