Sister in law harassing DH for money

[wenrob]

I would not get involved. It is your husband's job to tell her no. In fact, I wouldn't even let her know I know about it. And if you do get involved, she'll retaliate by trying her best to come between you and your husband.
Never co-sign a loan. If you can't afford to give them the money, well you can't afford to co-sign their loan ether because if they don't pay, you're on the hook.

I had a SIL who tried to pull the “blood” card with my DH. It did not go well for her.

I disagree about not letting the SIL know that OP knows. I’d make damn sure my SIL knew I was aware of the situation. It’s one thing to go to your sibling and have a private conversation but it’s a different thing entirely to keep harassing after being told no. She’s hoping her brother will cave and to me that reeks of trying to manipulate their family ties. That’s not just disrespectful to him but to the OP as well.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I had a SIL who tried to pull the “blood” card with my DH. It did not go well for her.

I disagree about not letting the SIL know that OP knows. I’d make damn sure my SIL knew I was aware of the situation. It’s one thing to go to your sibling and have a private conversation but it’s a different thing entirely to keep harassing after being told no. She’s hoping her brother will cave and to me that reeks of trying to manipulate their family ties. That’s not just disrespectful to him but to the OP as well.

The thing is, if the in law spouse tries to do anything, it's just not going to do any good. Then she'll know she has to get between them in order to get her way. So instead of continuing to harass her brother, she'll start trying to get between the two of them in addition. It's time for the husband to deal with his sister and set the boundary and if that boundary is crossed set the consequences and follow through. No Drama. Just get it done. The sister may not like it and will probably respond with more drama. But if that's the case follow through on the boundary being crossed. He has to do it. She most likely won't listen at all to the in law.

 

[wenrob]

The thing is, if the in law spouse tries to do anything, it's just not going to do any good. Then she'll know she has to get between them in order to get her way. So instead of continuing to harass her brother, she'll start trying to get between the two of them in addition. It's time for the husband to deal with his sister and set the boundary and if that boundary is crossed set the consequences and follow through. No Drama. Just get it done. The sister may not like it and will probably respond with more drama. But if that's the case follow through on the boundary being crossed. He has to do it. She most likely won't listen at all to the in law.

I suppose it depends on the type of marriage they have. I have several SIL’s and am friendly with only one. They have done some shady things but trying to get between myself and my DH was attempted by one and only once. He set her straight pretty damn quick. The rest wouldn’t even try. And my sibs wouldn’t even consider such a thing. That’s how we roll. If you’re talking to one you might as well be talking to the other. I would hope if an attempt were made to come between them the OP’s DH would set his sister straight as well.

I do agree her DH ultimately should handle it but it doesn’t sound like that’s happening here. There’s nothing wrong with tagging your spouse in, that’s what they’re there for. If a united front is shown she’ll most likely back off.

 

[gillep]

I suppose it depends on the type of marriage they have. I have several SIL’s and am friendly with only one. They have done some shady things but trying to get between myself and my DH was attempted by one and only once. He set her straight pretty damn quick. The rest wouldn’t even try. And my sibs wouldn’t even consider such a thing. That’s how we roll. If you’re talking to one you might as well be talking to the other. I would hope if an attempt were made to come between them the OP’s DH would set his sister straight as well.

I do agree her DH ultimately should handle it but it doesn’t sound like that’s happening here. There’s nothing wrong with tagging your spouse in, that’s what they’re there for. If a united front is shown she’ll most likely back off.

You are likely right that it depends on the marriage, personally, I really can't think of a single thing that either one of my SILs could do to come between me and DH, they just don't hold that power over us, nor do I think either one would ever consider it.

 

[kuhltiffany]

I've been in that situation and yes, you have a right to intervene in a way that supports your spouse and protects your family. When DH and I first got together, his sister was using him like a bank, running up credit cards and getting him to pay them when she couldn't. I quickly put a stop to that and she had to grow up fast on her own...

 

[Colleen27]

Our rule is "Your family, your problem." It is just easier that way. There are fewer hard feelings when it is a relative, not an in-law, saying no. Unless I thought DH wasn't going to stand firm, I wouldn't get involved.

 

[Skywalker]

My SIL has always been bad with money. Lately she has gotten herself in a desperate situation and has been begging DH for money for the last few months. And it’s not just a few dollars. She asked him for $8,000.

This is not right on so many levels. First, she is asking just DH when I’m not around and also she’s not taking no for an answer. So after asking him for cash (and him telling her no) she just asked him to co sign a car loan.

This is insanity! I told him under no circumstances would we be co signing anything for a grown woman of almost 40 who has proven over and over she is incapable of handling her affairs.

Because I trust DH to not give her money or sign anything without us having a discussion about it I haven’t said anything to my SIL. However she is really stressing DH out and I’m wondering if I should visit her and tell her firmly that we would be happy to help her with financial planning but that we will be providing no financial support. Has anyone ever experienced the same thing? I’m at a loss and I must say I’m deeply offended that she feels she is deserving of a handout and should benefit from our good credit...

About the first bolded part - this sounds like your decision but is your husband on the same page? Is your husband stressed because she is asking, or because he is not sure what he wants to do?

And the second boled part - being deeply offended seems like an overreaction to me. There is no need to let such emotion come into it. People ask other people for money / loans everyday of the week. It's really not such an outrageous thing.

If you guys decide no loaning money to the sister, just say no without all the drama and don't entertain her questioning it anymore. If you guys have the money and your husband kind of wants to help her out I guess it's not that cut and dried. But your husband needs to have a voice too.

 

[Nancyg56]

I had a SIL who tried to pull the “blood” card with my DH. It did not go well for her.

I disagree about not letting the SIL know that OP knows. I’d make damn sure my SIL knew I was aware of the situation. It’s one thing to go to your sibling and have a private conversation but it’s a different thing entirely to keep harassing after being told no. She’s hoping her brother will cave and to me that reeks of trying to manipulate their family ties. That’s not just disrespectful to him but to the OP as well.

My husbands sister and his nephew tried these kind of shenanigans and honestly, my DH had to finally block his sister and ignore his nephew. Both made sure he was "aware" they were blood and I was not. Ummmm he figured that little tidbit out a long time ago! LOL!

He made sure that both knew we had no secrets. His sister wanted him to be listed as his POA and her proxy of healthcare. He was pretty darn clear that while he would consider this, he told her that it was a huge responsibility and one that he would need to include me in on because when it came to decisions about healthcare, he was not knowledgeable enough, and that he relied on me to translate what the doctors said. (This was not our first rodeo. HE had to go to court to be appointed conservator of his mother physical person, and she was very ill. I took care of her, and helped him when he needed translations about what the Dr's were saying) Sister was not receptive, so he declined the "opportunity" to be assigned that role in her life. It went downhill and she then tried to come between us, and that resulted in his blocking her. I kept out of every aspect of that drama.

You are likely right that it depends on the marriage, personally, I really can't think of a single thing that either one of my SILs could do to come between me and DH, they just don't hold that power over us, nor do I think either one would ever consider it.

Every time a family member has tried to do this, they have been removed from my husbands circle, by him.

 

[jenrose66]

About the first bolded part - this sounds like your decision but is your husband on the same page? Is your husband stressed because she is asking, or because he is not sure what he wants to do?

And the second boled part - being deeply offended seems like an overreaction to me. There is no need to let such emotion come into it. People ask other people for money / loans everyday of the week. It's really not such an outrageous thing.

If you guys decide no loaning money to the sister, just say no without all the drama and don't entertain her questioning it anymore. If you guys have the money and your husband kind of wants to help her out I guess it's not that cut and dried. But your husband needs to have a voice too.

I am offended because I think it’s pretty nervy to ask multiple times for $8000. That’s a huge sum of cash. It wasn’t like a couple hundred dollars that if it never came back it wouldn’t matter. Also my husband and I put our time in. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years and we lived on nothing and didn’t get a handout from anyone. Once my youngest went to school I went back to work. It was so freeing to be able to breathe again and have that cushion. We bought a new home in a nicer neighborhood this past summer and we are fixing it up with proceeds from our old home.

Knowing how hard we work and how much struggle we had to raise the kids with one of us home those early years makes me appreciate what we’ve accomplished and it belongs to us.

My husband and I are on the same page. He doesn’t want to co sign. He was considering loaning the money the first time she asked but not without talking to me and given her track record I can’t agree to providing her with $8k. That’s our cushion in case of hard times or an emergency. Why should we risk our family’s security so she could pay off a bad debt to a boyfriend she met online and dated for 6 months?

 

[wenrob]

About the first bolded part - this sounds like your decision but is your husband on the same page? Is your husband stressed because she is asking, or because he is not sure what he wants to do?

And the second boled part - being deeply offended seems like an overreaction to me. There is no need to let such emotion come into it. People ask other people for money / loans everyday of the week. It's really not such an outrageous thing.

If you guys decide no loaning money to the sister, just say no without all the drama and don't entertain her questioning it anymore. If you guys have the money and your husband kind of wants to help her out I guess it's not that cut and dried. But your husband needs to have a voice too.

Not sure if you’ve read the rest of the thread but she wants to borrow money because she owes it to someone else. This isn’t throwing someone a $20, it’s $8,000 and/or co-signing a car loan for someone who is already robbing Peter to pay Paul. It would be a hard no from me too.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Jenrose, it sounds like you are on the right track, and you and your DH are on the same page.
As long as you are not afraid that he might 'cave'.

As far as this related discussion....
I don't care if the DH wanted to, or DID, lend or give his sister the money.
The OP's problem would STILL be a problem with her DH. (not the sil)

The OP should not be put into the position of having to bring this up with the SIL.
The DH should be, very very clearly, handling this himself, with a 'WE'... can not..
A marriage should be a united front.

How I would deal with it with my DH if my DH threw around $8,000. in a situation like the OP describes, without my knowledge or approval....
Probably would not be pretty.

Going to the SIL, herself, is just NOT the answer.
Not going to be appropriate.
Is not going to be effective.
Would probably cause way more problems than it would solve. And would be opening a whole 'nother can of worms with the inlaws.

OP, I would just make sure that my husband that any further loans or co-signing was NOT okay.
Let him know that if he cannot manage to maintain some basic boundaries, and continues to be open to letting SIL bring that much drama into your lives, then that is something that the two of you need to figure out.

 

[jenrose66]

Jenrose, it sounds like you are on the right track, and you and your DH are on the same page.
As long as you are not afraid that he might 'cave'.

As far as this related discussion....
I don't care if the DH wanted to, or DID, lend or give his sister the money.
The OP's problem would STILL be a problem with her DH. (not the sil)

The OP should not be put into the position of having to bring this up with the SIL.
The DH should be, very very clearly, handling this himself, with a 'WE'... can not..
A marriage should be a united front.

How I would deal with it with my DH if my DH threw around $8,000. in a situation like the OP describes, without my knowledge or approval....
Probably would not be pretty.

Going to the SIL, herself, is just NOT the answer.
Not going to be appropriate.
Is not going to be effective.
Would probably cause way more problems than it would solve. And would be opening a whole 'nother can of worms with the inlaws.

OP, I would just make sure that my husband that any further loans or co-signing was NOT okay.
Let him know that if he cannot manage to maintain some basic boundaries, and continues to be open to letting SIL bring that much drama into your lives, then that is something that the two of you need to figure out.

Thanks again. Like I said it just felt good to vent. I love my in laws. We spend time together a lot and the women of the family have a group chat where we talk and share pictures everyday. I don’t want to distance my husband from his family and I don’t wanna have a falling out with his sister. But since we talk so much and she never brought her problems up with me...it’s like an $8000 elephant in the room so to speak.

 

[HulaHoopy]

My bil was always asking for cash from my dh. My dh has a really hard time saying no, I get it - its his brother and you help out family. My dh decided it was better if I held all the savings in my name only. That way if this bil or anyone else asked to borrow he would just says, dw has all the money you have to ask her. They don't ask me..

It was his choice and it works for us, he does have access to the regular checking account, his own retirement, etc. but he would never even consider lending from one of these.

 

[cabanafrau]

The only important factor is agreement between husband and wife. Beyond that it won't matter what the SIL does.

 

[manning]

My SIL has always been bad with money. Lately she has gotten herself in a desperate situation and has been begging DH for money for the last few months. And it’s not just a few dollars. She asked him for $8,000.

This is not right on so many levels. First, she is asking just DH when I’m not around and also she’s not taking no for an answer. So after asking him for cash (and him telling her no) she just asked him to co sign a car loan.

This is insanity! I told him under no circumstances would we be co signing anything for a grown woman of almost 40 who has proven over and over she is incapable of handling her affairs.

Because I trust DH to not give her money or sign anything without us having a discussion about it I haven’t said anything to my SIL. However she is really stressing DH out and I’m wondering if I should visit her and tell her firmly that we would be happy to help her with financial planning but that we will be providing no financial support. Has anyone ever experienced the same thing? I’m at a loss and I must say I’m deeply offended that she feels she is deserving of a handout and should benefit from our good credit...

you DON'T EVER CO-SIGN a loan. They quit paying you end up paying. In other words you"re on the hook.

My wife"s niece wanted us to co-sign a loan. Took a while to stop laughing.

A nephew , after grandma, he hit her up for money. Wife felt sorry and gave him $2,000 and told him no more! She was true to her word. His house got foreclosed.

Did we feel bad? ... NOPE!

 

[SirDuff]

I once asked my brother for a loan. I went directly to him - it honestly didn't occur to me to ask he and his wife jointly (though I had no problem with him asking her first/telling her before he did the loan).

In my defense (for asking for the loan), it was an unusual situation. I was in Graduate school and my scholarship more than covered tuition and living expenses. In the first two years, the university would defer tuition until the end of the year since the scholarship was basically paid as a salary (e.g. monthly) rather than in an upfront lump sum. However, the rules then changed and they'd no longer defer tuition so I owed the whole thing in September before receiving my scholarship money. I'm in Canada, so it wasn't as bad as it would have been at most US schools, but still a large sum and I was about $1,000 - $1,500 short). I only need a cover for a couple of months until I received enough 'pay cheques' to cover the amount. Worst case, I would have just had to pay interest on the tuition, but the loan saved me having to do that (my brother told me that he would have been angry had he ever found out that I had not asked him and had, instead, paid late and incurred interest).

I do know that he did tell his wife about it and she was fine with it. My problem was actually getting either of them to accept my pay back. He refused it (telling me to spend it on something fun) and she refused to get in middle (I tried to give her the money instead).