Sister in law harassing DH for money

[jenrose66]

My SIL has always been bad with money. Lately she has gotten herself in a desperate situation and has been begging DH for money for the last few months. And it’s not just a few dollars. She asked him for $8,000.

This is not right on so many levels. First, she is asking just DH when I’m not around and also she’s not taking no for an answer. So after asking him for cash (and him telling her no) she just asked him to co sign a car loan.

This is insanity! I told him under no circumstances would we be co signing anything for a grown woman of almost 40 who has proven over and over she is incapable of handling her affairs.

Because I trust DH to not give her money or sign anything without us having a discussion about it I haven’t said anything to my SIL. However she is really stressing DH out and I’m wondering if I should visit her and tell her firmly that we would be happy to help her with financial planning but that we will be providing no financial support. Has anyone ever experienced the same thing? I’m at a loss and I must say I’m deeply offended that she feels she is deserving of a handout and should benefit from our good credit...

 

[Mizzoufan]

My SIL has always been bad with money. Lately she has gotten herself in a desperate situation and has been begging DH for money for the last few months. And it’s not just a few dollars. She asked him for $8,000.

This is not right on so many levels. First, she is asking just DH when I’m not around and also she’s not taking no for an answer. So after asking him for cash (and him telling her no) she just asked him to co sign a car loan.

This is insanity! I told him under no circumstances would we be co signing anything for a grown woman of almost 40 who has proven over and over she is incapable of handling her affairs.

Because I trust DH to not give her money or sign anything without us having a discussion about it I haven’t said anything to my SIL. However she is really stressing DH out and I’m wondering if I should visit her and tell her firmly that we would be happy to help her with financial planning but that we will be providing no financial support. Has anyone ever experienced the same thing? I’m at a loss and I must say I’m deeply offended that she feels she is deserving of a handout and should benefit from our good credit...

I'd stay out of it and let your husband deal with his sister.

 

[jrmasm]

Stay out of it.

 

[msjprincess]

Stay out of it

 

[Hikergirl]

Yes, my SIL had some issues and came to dh without my knowledge. I let him handle it.

 

[morgan98]

As long as you are convinced he is not going to give her money or sign anything, I would let him handle it. Hopefully she will soon annoy him enough that he tells her directly to drop it and never bring it up again.

 

[Kellydelly]

What is her situation? Single mom? Unemployed? I would need more information before weighing in, but I am not sure I agree with previous posters that you should butt out. Your family's finances would be affected so I think you should definitely be involved in discussions with her if you want to be.

 

[ronandannette]

What is her situation? Single mom? Unemployed? I would need more information before weighing in, but I am not sure I agree with previous posters that you should butt out. Your family's finances would be affected so I think you should definitely be involved in discussions with her if you want to be.

I sort of think the same thing, especially if your family dynamic is such that you’re all “close”. We’ve been married 22 years and my siblings are as comfortable with DH as they are with me and vice-versa. We’d all be dealing with this openly and it would be a pretty brief call versatile where DH and I made it clear we weren’t going to give or co-sign anything - period.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I agree with it depending on her situation.

I would also stay out of it but if my SO asked me my opinion I would tell him what we can afford, if we felt she truly needed it. My SO's parents fell upon hard times a few years ago and they went to him and then he came to me. I told him what we could afford (it was around Christmas) and he gave it to them. I never interfered in any other way. I felt it wasn't my place.

I don't co sign for anyone. Ever.

 

[mom2rtk]

Has she asked for money before? It seems odd to me that at this age she would all of a sudden start doing this. And not take no for an answer. It sort of makes me wonder if it's worked for her in the past.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I tend to agree with others---I cannot see ANY good coming of you goimng to her on your own to tell her to stay out.

I do think it would be supportive and reasonable to offer to your husband to answer her from both of you---go with him to see her, or sign emails from both of you and be pout both adress on copy or whatever, so she sees a united front. This could take some of the pressure pff of your husband (since it is not "just" him saying no to her) and also alert her to the fact that you ARE aware and she will not be manipulating her brother behind his wife's back.

MANY years ago my sister in law emailer her three siblings wanting them to invest in her husband's bussiness. She asked at the start of the email to keep the request just between them, not share with anyone even spouses. Dh responded back, with me on copy, saying that he had me on copy becuase we share everything financial with one another and if she wanted to approach US it had ot be US, but fair warning he could not see that we would be interested so it was likely a waste of her time anyway. That stopped it pretty fast.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

That is a large sum of money to be asking for. If she needs to borrow $8,000 then she can't afford a new car. I see your frustration with SIL, and I would be hurt that she is trying to do it behind your back.

I like NHdisneylover's handling of it. If your DH would make it clear that finances are an open book between you two, and you make the financial decisions together, maybe SIL will back off.

 

[RangerPooh]

Stay out of it. As long as you and your DH are on the same page then there is no need to intervene.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

You can always keep the momentum going - call up the rest of the family and ask in concern, "I'm quite worried about Spender Sally. She has been harrassing my husband for cash!!!!" Explain an irritating example. "Do you think she might have gotten into bad gambling debt? Or is something up with her mental health?" That way everyone knows what she is up to, and how to provide a united front against it. Get people worried about the repo men, organized crime loan sharks, whatever you need to do to get it through her head that you don't ask that kind of money without a promissory note!!

 

[paisleys]

Because SIL is going behind OP's back to ask for their joint money, I think OP has a right to say something. In doing so, SIL might realize the jig is up and stop stressing her brother out.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I think you have a say - it's your money too! My BIL came to my dh asking him for us to loan him money after I had gotten an inheiretence - nice huh? My dh told him no but still I thought it was pretty nervy!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I don't think she's going behind the OP's back. When my SO's parents asked they asked him. He is there son. I was not offended or felt slighted or betrayed.

He is her brother. Now not taking no for an answer is something else.

 

[Wishing on a star]

In this case, IF you are pretty sure that your DH will not succumb and give her, or co-sign for, any significant amount of your money.
If you and your DH are on the same page. (Which is what matters)
Stay out of it.
It is 'his' family.

While I am totally the exact same as you, and I would frustrated/angry and would be saying, very strongly and emotionally, 'UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES....'
I do want to caution you about that.
You need to address this, with your husband alone, in a calm objective and rational manner.

If your DH is being stressed out about this, and she is harassing him.... Talk to him about that.
Maybe he needs to be encouraged to take control and create some personal boundaries.
maybe he can consider screening calls, control social media, etc....
And, maybe that is becoming necessary?????

I don't know how close the DH and the sister are... where they live, how often they are communicating, see each other etc...
But, finances aside... I think it is the dynamic and lack of the DH's ability to establish some boundaries that is coming into play?

OP, seriously, if your DH is going to have to be firm, and pull back, and establish some boundaries... You REALLY need to stay out of it, yourself.
That is something that you really do not want any of your fingerprints on.

Something tells me that if the sister feels entitled to his financial help, this also involves his parents, and their whole family dynamic???

 

[nkereina]

I do think it would be supportive and reasonable to offer to your husband to answer her from both of you---go with him to see her, or sign emails from both of you and be pout both adress on copy or whatever, so she sees a united front. This could take some of the pressure pff of your husband (since it is not "just" him saying no to her) and also alert her to the fact that you ARE aware and she will not be manipulating her brother behind his wife's back.

I agree with this. DH should let his sister know that he's spoken with you about it, so that its clear the sister knows that you know. He should be assertive and firm with his sister that neither of you are able to help her financially. I can understand not wanting to cause tension, but there has to be a line in the sand. She was bold enough to ask for it, he needs to be bold enough to flat out tell her no, end of discussion.

 

[cedricandsophie]

I would have my husband block her calls or emails. And suggest he call the rest of family to see if she is doing the same thing with them. But let him handle. Sounds like she is manipulative or mentally ill.