SIL Strikes Again.... VENT!

[GinnyEmma]

lol, i would totally disagree. And I would think that is a pretty overly dramatic reaction! I've worked with abuse of all sorts for many years. Ear cleaning has never come up before!

 

[smkiya]

lol, i would totally disagree. And I would think that is a pretty overly dramatic reaction! I've worked with abuse of all sorts for many years. Ear cleaning has never come up before!

She didn't just wipe the outside of the ear with a wet cloth. She took him into the bathroom and put peroxide and who knows what else into his ears. They were over for Easter dinner. His ears did not have an excessive buildup of wax.

ETA- Not abuse, but inappropriate. She overstepped her boundaries.

 

[Mkrop]

Not at all. I was drawing a comparison for clarification. As a way to explain why she might act in the way that she does to me. To explain why she may believe that I am not doing a good job raising my children. I have made no assumptions about whether our differences may be the reason behind her behavior. Her words and actions tell me this is so. When she says things like, "Oh, you don't get your eyebrows waxed (her eyes roll)? It shows people that you care about how you look (smile)." Or, "Did you get dd's outfit on clearance?" "She needs more color, she always looks so bland." Or how she takes dd to the nail salon when she sleeps over... not for fake nails, but still, I had a rule that dd6 was not to get her nails polished and they convinced dd that she should. I let that go. But again, it is not my business how she chooses to dress herself or her kids but she makes it her business to do so about me and mine. That's why I had to highlight the difference, I was not making a judgment about her choices.

And how do you respond? Do you say yep I got in on clearance bc I am great at saving money. I think she looks great!

Why do you allow her to go over there if she does cosmetic things to your DD that you dont approve of? She and her kids obviously enjoy these activities and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you disapprove then you need to not have your DD be there without you, plain and simple.

Do you ever make comments or roll your eyes at her over the top clothes? Maybe you give off a vibe of superiority bc you dont do the things mentioned above.

 

[smkiya]

And how do you respond? Do you say yep I got in on clearance bc I am great at saving money. I think she looks great!

Why do you allow her to go over there if she does cosmetic things to your DD that you dont approve of? She and her kids obviously enjoy these activities and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you disapprove then you need to not have your DD be there without you, plain and simple.

Do you ever make comments or roll your eyes at her over the top clothes? Maybe you give off a vibe of superiority bc you dont do the things mentioned above.

No, i never make comments like that. I wasnt raised that way. In fact, I always say things like "thats a cool purse" or "i love the pattern on your nails". My sister has a similar style of dress and hets her nails done etc. I've always been more of a plain jane. Nothing wrong with either in my opinion. But I don't like being insulted for being different. That's why I excuse myself from as many functions with them as possible. I don't like the way they make me feel. But they are family. I don't want to isolate dd and ds from them. Thats not right. I need to get dh on board though so we can formally draw a line.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Ugh. Chin up, smile and don't let them get to you. I mean that nicely. Relax, realize that you all are different, and there isn't any harm in being different. And tell your husband to grow a set if he needs to, to support you and guard your children's ears. My opinion.

 

[YodaGirl]

Your SIL sounds like my DH's granny. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Ugh...

Your SIL was completely in the wrong. According to our ENT (ear, nose, and throat dr), ear wax should never be a concern unless it's causing the child to have actual trouble (ex/ ear infections). Even then, he recommended Debrox. Of course, even at that, it should only be used at the direction of the doctor. I can't imagine actually putting something in a someone else's child's ear because "I thought that I knew best" (and that is completely what she sounds like - and for those who haven't ever experienced someone with that type of attitude, count yourself lucky).

How was your son during the ear cleaning? Was he fine with it, or did he put up a fuss? For me, that could open a whole new jar of issues.

It sounds like your DH was raised with an engrained philosophy to never question his mother, which can then overflow to any female relative with a similar attitude. Yes, he is partly to blame, but your SIL definitely shares the blame. Seems as though she did it because she knew that she could, not because that it needed to be done or that she had DH's permission.

 

[dogluva]

I'm a Advanced Practice Nurse, Certified Pediatric Nurse Practitioner!!!!!! Haha!! I'm just saying - people throw out there "RN" like its some big deal. Oh and I'm an 'RN" too... I just don't start all my posts out that way! I don't get why some people do!

I think her status and her experience as MOMMA is much more important!

I think it is a "big deal"-you especially should think so! I throw out "I am a teacher" all the time, especially when discussing education. Why wouldn't someone throw out RN when talking medical stuff? Ear infections are medical. What is the big deal?

 

[dogluva]

I even see it at the budget board! It is just weird to me - to throw out credentials. I guess I can see why the OP said it but to me - her status as momma gives her more input than her education and profession. You know what I mean??

I dont'. You are making a big deal out of nothing, IMO.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Abuse?????

NOBODY has said 'abuse'.
I certainly didn't....

Try to put words in other people's mouths and use extreme lanquage if you want...

But it is a personal and invasive thing to do to anyone else's body.
And very certainly NOT appropriate.

Very inappropriate.
Crossing every personal boundary known to man.

OP - You have every right to be angry, concerned, etc...
The problem is with your husband...

Spending time on this thread arguing with those who can not ever begin to see your personal situation is not the way to go here...

I would suggest that you log off for a while!

 

[twinglesmome]

Not at all. I was drawing a comparison for clarification. As a way to explain why she might act in the way that she does to me. To explain why she may believe that I am not doing a good job raising my children. I have made no assumptions about whether our differences may be the reason behind her behavior. Her words and actions tell me this is so. When she says things like, "Oh, you don't get your eyebrows waxed (her eyes roll)? It shows people that you care about how you look (smile)." Or, "Did you get dd's outfit on clearance?" "She needs more color, she always looks so bland." Or how she takes dd to the nail salon when she sleeps over... not for fake nails, but still, I had a rule that dd6 was not to get her nails polished and they convinced dd that she should. I let that go. But again, it is not my business how she chooses to dress herself or her kids but she makes it her business to do so about me and mine. That's why I had to highlight the difference, I was not making a judgment about her choices.

Wow, it does sound like SIL is undermining you, IMO. Does she make these comments to you in front of your kids? If you don't want your daughter's nails to be polished, SIL has no business doing otherwise. Same goes for the hair, etc. I think I wouldn't leave my kids in her presence without being there myself, if I were you. Though I understand why you want to limit contact for yourself and not alienate family

 

[Lucky4me]

I have a passive aggressive sil, so I feel your pain.
DH's Mother died when he was 13 and his older sister sort of took on the Mom role. She was 19. I came on the scene after his divorce when he was 33.
For 17 years, this woman has insulted just about everything about me and my family. My home, my clothes, my kids, their clothes, you name it, she's insulted it.
It started out very subtle, but since his other sister died a year ago in January, it's gotten a lot worse. His other sister was her pet project and punching bag. Someone who could never live up to her older sisters expectations and lived with the ridicule and shame because she couldn't. When she passed away, older sis turned her sites on me. I am a much stronger person than her younger sister was and I've let her know in no uncertain terms where she can stick her control freaky passive aggresive nastiness. I don't need to change to fit her mold of what a perfect wife/mother/woman should be. (its her-she thinks she is perfect and she'll tell you all about it)
I am to the point when she looks me up and down and gets that look like she just smelled something bad on her face, I laugh. Loudly.
When she asks me stupid questions like- aren't you hot/cold in that outfit? Don't your feet hurt in those pointy shoes? or a dozen other ridiculous questions to ask another adult, I stare at her blankly and ask- why would you ever ask that question? Or why do you care? I think she's catching on because she called dh and told him she thinks we're ostracizing her. Another sister in law and I hang out now and again and do not ask her along. Neither of us can stand her behavior. She dreams up all kinds of scenarios about what we do and where we go, even about how much we see each other. It's not much-we're both very busy, but I don't understand why she thinks she needs to know everything about our friendship. Frankly, it's none of her business. I'm done with it.

Since dh has thought of her as a Mother all these years, he doesn't see how she is. She's lied, manipulated and been awful to me and my kids from my previous marriage. I haven't written her off altogether, I just don't initiate contact and have cut way back on family functions where she's attending. He doesn't understand and thinks it's my fault. She whines and cries to him all the time. I've been close to giving him an ultimatum if he can't keep us separate. Her or me.
I just don't want to socialize with her too much and I don't want him talking to me about her much. He talks to her a couple times a week on his cell phone. When I walk in, he stops talking or whispers. Its ridiculous.

I think she did the same thing in his first marriage. I know even though I'm married to him and love him with all my heart, I am still considered the outsider because I am not "blood". Being "blood" is everything to his whole family. They are first and foremost loyal to one another.

Wow I need a blog, I had no idea how this topic touched a nerve.
What's even worse is my sil is considered by many extended family members as the "saint" of the family. She cooks huge meals for family, spends many hours a week at church doing volunteer work, works a full time job and keeps an immaculate home. They only see her at weddings, funerals and births of babies. They don't have to see her and know her as much as we do.

OP, hang in there and know you're not alone. Let the ear thing go or just tell her not to do it again. You'll never change this type of person, you can only change your reaction to her.
That's what I'm working on with my sil. Setting limits and sticking to them.

 

[Hannathy]

That's Exactly It!!!!!!!

So what? Seriously. Is it true? do you know it isn't true? Then why do you let it bother you? Let them talk who cares.What in the long run or in the grand scheme of things does it matter? Get some self esteem and get on with things. If you are confident you are doing what you should then believe it and ignore them. "You cleaned his ears, hope you had fun". You know they didn't need it.

I still say that if your DH said it was ok then that is the end of it. His kid he decided they needed their ears cleaned out again end of story, you don't get to automatically over rule him and SIL did nothing wrong.

 

[sparks19]

So what? Seriously. Is it true? do you know it isn't true? Then why do you let it bother you? Let them talk who cares.What in the long run or in the grand scheme of things does it matter? Get some self esteem and get on with things. If you are confident you are doing what you should then believe it and ignore them. "You cleaned his ears, hope you had fun". You know they didn't need it.

I still say that if your DH said it was ok then that is the end of it. His kid he decided they needed their ears cleaned out again end of story, you don't get to automatically over rule him and SIL did nothing wrong.

Hmmm this seems to have struck a nerve with you. Not sure why you feel the need to talk to people that way.

Things people say can be very damaging on levels beyond self esteem. I've seen people spread lies about others and have CPS called on them and nonsense like that JUST because they are mad at you. Seriously these kinds of people do exsist.

 

[GinnyEmma]

But this isn't anything like that. Cps? What the heck?

 

[sparks19]

But this isn't anything like that. Cps? What the heck?

I didn't say it was. I was simply saying there can be a lot more to it than just "self esteem". sometimes there are reasons to care about the things people say about you

that's all

 

[Mkrop]

OP I get that you want the cousins to hang out together but either you need to have your DH enforce your rules, you need to be there, or you need to not have the cousins hang out.

If your SIL is going to disrespect your wishes, then you may have no choice to limit contact or you are going to have let some things go (ie nail polish etc)

 

[GinnyEmma]

I didn't say it was. I was simply saying there can be a lot more to it than just "self esteem". sometimes there are reasons to care about the things people say about you

that's all

Seriously ridiculous leap.

 

[sookie]

Because apparently nurses are supposed to be experts about medical procedures!

Look, I love nurses and would love my daughter to go into the field, but I have to say, on numerous occasions, some of the worst medical advice I've ever gotten were from some nurses (not criticizing ALL of them, just those few).

Lol I know! Not to go off topic but I have some whopper stories! That's why I put more into her mommy status!

 

[sparks19]

Seriously ridiculous leap.

well sorry you don't approve

 

[sookie]

Bless your heart! I suggest putting your foot down and no more visits without mommy!

Thank you all for your replies!

I have had the opportunity to sleep on it, and while I am still very angry I am not tearful as I was last night. I totally understand all of your points of view, and I feel the need to share a bit of background.

I empower dh to make decisions that involve the kids. Really, he should be doing more and I want him to. They are his kids too and he is a great father!

I have over the last few years been distancing myself from my in-laws. They are as I've said the Marie Barone variety. They come into my house with a white glove, criticize how I care for my pets, make fun of my decorating style, don't agree with the way I choose to live my life (I don't know why you waste money on vacations, why would you buy that?!). I sucked it up and dealt with it. When my dd6 was born I was hesitant to even have them in the room with me because I didn't want comments like (oh honey you look terrible, or you have to feed the baby this way). The made comments about when I should put dd down to bed, when I should stop breastfeeding, on and on. At that point I said that's it!!! I had to limit my interactions with them.
ETA- When I used to socialize with them, all they did was gossip about other people. Can you believe so and so did this or that. I know that is what they do about me.

A year and a half ago sister in law took dd to hair salon to chemically treat dd's hair. She gave her a salon appt for her birthday and I thought she was going to have her "done up". When the hairdresser mentioned about not being able to do the chemical treatment because dd was too young, I said "What!! I wouldn't let you do it anyway". DD's cousin said, "your hair won't be poofy anymore".

When dh comes home with them for visiting he says "why'd you let her wear that, or why didn't you style her hair a different way". This is because they commented. We're getting a new dog and I'm curious to know what they are gossiping about regarding that.

So back to the post. Her cleaning my ds's ears has nothing to do with her concern as a mother. His ears were not dripping wax. It was her way to throw a stab at me and my parenting. Just like she commented on their clothes, and whatever else I don't know about.

I am VERY angry with dh!!!! I talked to him last night, and will talk to him again today. But dsil's behavior was very passive aggressive and I am angry with her for that. Under different circumstances (if dsil was sincere and a nice person) I wouldn't have made a big deal about it. I probably would still ask that it not be done again, but I would know that it was done with a sincere heart.

SIL was not sincere in her actions and that I cannot tolerate! Do not use my children to conduct your passive aggressive behavior!!!!