SIL (62) planning to go on SS with no savings(Update #77)

[chicagodisneyfan]

the crazy part of this is SIL SEES how her Mom ( and Dh's) struggles terribly since their Dad died and she has only one SS check

Mom spent the last 10 years using the $$ from her reverse Mortgage( and it wasn't much $$ because, unbeknownst to us SHE also had a 2nd mortgage to pay off her DH's hospital bills-now that is gone

Wait what? Your mother in law is struggling terribly and you are not helping her?
Wow - for a period a few years ago we were paying THREE mortgages - ours, his parents, and a business bldg for his parents.
Im in the camp that kids should help their parents.

 

[NewRVLady]

Wait what? Your mother in law is struggling terribly and you are not helping her?
Wow - for a period a few years ago we were paying THREE mortgages - ours, his parents, and a business bldg for his parents.
Im in the camp that kids should help their parents.

We give her money and pay one of her bills and sis cooks for her- so we help her....
DH and sis have payed for new appliances , repairs on her car , DH and I alone payed for ramp to her house because SIs could not help
All these are the money struggles MIL has by having no savings

 

[crisi]

Wait what? Your mother in law is struggling terribly and you are not helping her?
Wow - for a period a few years ago we were paying THREE mortgages - ours, his parents, and a business bldg for his parents.
Im in the camp that kids should help their parents.

To me, the whole helping your parents thing depends on a bunch of stuff:

Can you do it without burdening your own children to help you when you are elderly? If not, don't.
Are they there through their own continual poor decision making? If so, don't.
Is your relationship with your parents solid? If not, don't.
Can you do it without needing student loans for your kids college? If not, don't.

My first responsibility is to myself and my children. My parents, in-laws, siblings and nephews only come once I get those things taken care of. Why I would pay a mortgage on a business that couldn't pay its own mortgage....I wouldn't do that for my own business!

 

[TwoMisfits]

We give her money and pay one of her bills and sis cooks for her- so we help her....
DH and sis have payed for new appliances , repairs on her car , DH and I alone payed for ramp to her house because SIs could not help
All these are the money struggles MIL has by having no savings

I'm probably a minority, but I'm in the camp that you help family out...now, if they screwed you over your whole life or have been the biggest dicks to you and society, that's a huge mitigating factor...also, if you are barely getting by yourself, that's another huge mitigating factor...but I save so I can help down the road...for the non-monetary help and love I've gotten so far.

I have a lot of reasons for feeling that way (no need to mention), but I will say the help doesn't even have to be obvious - this is why birthdays, Mother's/Father's/Siblings Days, and Christmas were made (my widowed mom gets gifts much larger than I and my siblings used to give b/c we know she can use the money/gift cards/large new items now that she doesn't have my dad's income)...

 

[eliza61]

It also depends on the type of "help". Basically most of the folks in my family who sponge off of others, really don't do it in amounts big enough to really change the course of my life.
Yes I have cousins who are in a financial bind, most of the time when they hit family members up it's for 100 bucks, 200 bucks max. so depending on how I feel I'll say yeah or nay.

Now paying others mortgage? for my family I always ask what's going on? Is it my cousin who was battling breast cancer and has lousy insurance? or my alcoholic, crack addicted brother? big difference. I tell the story all the time about our house catching fire when my sons were little and my dad definitely helped us out. I don't think he was concerned about what that would do to his retirement.

I grew up with grandparents living with us but this was the 60's when extended family were the norm and family's did help a lot more

 

[lustergirl]

lustergirl, some background for perspective: My office is full of degreed, professional people. Hence my (and my co-workers) shock at the situation. Now, I work for a non-profit so no one makes big bucks.

And you might want to go back and re-read my last paragraph.

So because of your educational and degree background that gives you a right to judge others? So basically what you are saying is that only educated people can feel the way you do? I got some news for you. Even educated people can fall on hard times. And yes I do come from a job where people have advanced degrees. I guess you should feel blessed because of your situation and stop trying to judge others. You said it: you work for a non profit and no one makes big bucks. I could judge you and ask why you are working there then instead of somewhere paying more? Doesn't sound financially logical does it? Oh wait a minute I am judging you now.

 

[tzolkin]

To me, the whole helping your parents thing depends on a bunch of stuff:

Can you do it without burdening your own children to help you when you are elderly? If not, don't.
Are they there through their own continual poor decision making? If so, don't.
Is your relationship with your parents solid? If not, don't.
Can you do it without needing student loans for your kids college? If not, don't.

My first responsibility is to myself and my children. My parents, in-laws, siblings and nephews only come once I get those things taken care of. Why I would pay a mortgage on a business that couldn't pay its own mortgage....I wouldn't do that for my own business!

I completely agree and this is why I hate the horrified comments on the Dis whenever someone reveals they haven't spent their last penny helping out their family members.

We like to help and give (my nephew had cancer this year and we contributed to their family expenses significantly, we always treat family members to meals/activities, etc), but seeing the situation my parents have put themselves in with my grandparents makes me reluctant to help without any limits.

My grandfather retired at 55 (only SS, no savings, grandmother never worked) and my parents have helped them along for the last 30 years including buying a new home that would suit their needs. They do not appreciate anything my parents have done for them (not only financially, but my mom has also stayed at home so she can care for them 24/7). There are 5 children in the family. Not only do the others not help, but they also try to "borrow" all the time. It just infuriates me that because my completely healthy grandfather just decided he wanted to retire that my parents have to struggle. My parents are now 55 and have not been in a position to save for their own retirement, so my dad will be working for probably another 20 years.

We will certainly help our parents/families as much as we are able, but I am not willing to sacrifice my children's future for it. Why should my kids have to take out student loans or care for me in my old age because I felt obligated to help out other family members who made selfish financial decisions?

 

[NewRVLady]

In the same vein ,SIL met her DH online after divorce
He flew here with only the clothes on his back
He works hourly unskilled jobs and for years worked for cash so who knows what SS will pay him

I read tat 50% Americans have nothing saved for retirement and plan on living on SS alone
Scary

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I'm of the MYOB camp. If they hit you up for a loan in the future, all you have to say is no. Many people get by on low income during retirement, and depending on what she earbed in all her working years, her lifestyle might not be too bad. And I suppose if she tries it and crashes and burns, she can always go back to work.

Just because she isn't living life the way you would choose doesn't mean she is wrong or bad or a lesser person than you. She is doing what she chooses and I don't see the point in getting your knickers in a bunch about it.

 

[CalDisneyMomof2]

I would say it solely depends on your relationship with your SIL. My SIL and I are best friends. We tell each other EVERYTHING. I also am not afraid to tell her like it is. I honestly think that if anything happened between DH and I we'd still be just as close (she's closer to me than anyone in her family including DH and my MIL/FIL).

With that said, because of our relationship I WOULD be sure to intervene. But that is because of the relationship we have. As for other family members, I did recently intervene with my dad. He has made POOR financial choices over the years including not paying taxes etc. He's 64 years old and will work until the day he dies. I only told my siblings (I'm the baby of 7 - oldest is 15 years older than me) after he showed me his paycheck as a JOKE. Not a joke when your gross is $9,000 a month and your check is less than $1,000 after paying back taxes, regular taxes and paying back a 401k loan. My siblings and I intervened and I learned A LOT when we did. He doesn't want help and he will continue to live foolishly. There were many tears and arguing but it ultimately solved NOTHING.

I guess what I'm saying is, it doesn't hurt to have a conversation about it if it's something YOU'RE comfortable with. If you're not then don't bother. Sometimes family members need to hear it from the people that care most about them - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. My mom is CONSTANTLY telling me/nagging me to be careful how we spend our money (my parents are not married btw) and has done it for YEARS. It took me a while to actually listen and I appreciate her nagging now.

There definitely is a fine line between what's appropriate and what's not and I believe only you can determine the relationship you have with your SIL to decide to say anything or not.

 

[Marionnette]

I would say it solely depends on your relationship with your SIL. My SIL and I are best friends. We tell each other EVERYTHING. I also am not afraid to tell her like it is. I honestly think that if anything happened between DH and I we'd still be just as close (she's closer to me than anyone in her family including DH and my MIL/FIL).

With that said, because of our relationship I WOULD be sure to intervene. But that is because of the relationship we have. As for other family members, I did recently intervene with my dad. He has made POOR financial choices over the years including not paying taxes etc. He's 64 years old and will work until the day he dies. I only told my siblings (I'm the baby of 7 - oldest is 15 years older than me) after he showed me his paycheck as a JOKE. Not a joke when your gross is $9,000 a month and your check is less than $1,000 after paying back taxes, regular taxes and paying back a 401k loan. My siblings and I intervened and I learned A LOT when we did. He doesn't want help and he will continue to live foolishly. There were many tears and arguing but it ultimately solved NOTHING.

I guess what I'm saying is, it doesn't hurt to have a conversation about it if it's something YOU'RE comfortable with. If you're not then don't bother. Sometimes family members need to hear it from the people that care most about them - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. My mom is CONSTANTLY telling me/nagging me to be careful how we spend our money (my parents are not married btw) and has done it for YEARS. It took me a while to actually listen and I appreciate her nagging now.

There definitely is a fine line between what's appropriate and what's not and I believe only you can determine the relationship you have with your SIL to decide to say anything or not.

I think that it's great that you have such an open relationship with your SIL. Judging by the OP's posts, I doubt that she enjoys the same closeness with her husband's sister.

 

[CalDisneyMomof2]

I think that it's great that you have such an open relationship with your SIL. Judging by the OP's posts, I doubt that she enjoys the same closeness with her husband's sister.

Agreed. I think OP knew the answer before she posted. I think my post was more of a general recommendation. Everyone knows their boundaries with each of their family members. My older half sisters would NEVER hear my opinion on their financial status because we simply don't have that type of relationship to do so.

 

[NewRVLady]

I think that it's great that you have such an open relationship with your SIL. Judging by the OP's posts, I doubt that she enjoys the same closeness with her husband's sister.

I really doubt any people discuss their financial details with others
My sis and I chatted generally about retirement - our DH's are same age- and we have similar projected incomes with our investments etc but did not speak details

 

[gwynne]

Your husband has said he wants no discussion about this. It's his sister. JMO, I think you should respect his wishes.

 

[eliza61]

In the same vein ,SIL met her DH online after divorce
He flew here with only the clothes on his back
He works hourly unskilled jobs and for years worked for cash so who knows what SS will pay him

I read tat 50% Americans have nothing saved for retirement and plan on living on SS alone
Scary

I really doubt any people discuss their financial details with others
My sis and I chatted generally about retirement - our DH's are same age- and we have similar projected incomes with our investments etc but did not speak details

It's a really personal thing. My sister would definitely know if I were having financial problems, lol mainly because I would tell her. we are that close, there is no me without her. Now she knows my bottom line because when I was working through the loss of my dh, she most definitely step in to make sure all was well. I have a pretty good idea of her financial situation. now of course I don't know the bottom line but once again we talk. We're sisters, we gripe about taxes, cost of living, wages etc etc.

I think it does depend on family dynamics. One thing that saddens me here on the dis is the high percentage of people who say they don't have good relations with their relatives, that's a foreign concept in my family.

I also think it's very much where you ask. here on the budget board I get scared to even admit that my kids have iphones. driving a new car and having an iphone is like the anti-christ here but I also hang out at early- retirement websites and bogleheads, where people ask questions and list to the dollar their net worth and where they retire while having mortgages and car payment. so on those site folks are much more open about finances.

Now if my sil told me she was going to retire on ss, I would definitely be asking some hard questions. but I know she would receive them in the spirit I meant them. I don't asking some one how they are going to survive is rude or intrusive.

 

[crisi]

I really doubt any people discuss their financial details with others
My sis and I chatted generally about retirement - our DH's are same age- and we have similar projected incomes with our investments etc but did not speak details

Some people do. I've had relatively specific conversations with friends and family about the topic over years.

 

[danygirl]

Here is the real deal ~ at 62 if her job goes her options are limited. Companies are not hiring older folks much. Best thing you could do for her is if she asks, help he figure out how to budget and live within her budget.

 

[Colleen27]

When it comes to inlaws, I think it is usually best to follow your spouse's lead. It is his family, after all, and he's likely more aware of how your well-intentioned advice is likely to be received. He's also the one who is likely to have to deal with any emotional fallout/drama, whether from unwelcome advice or from the relative needing help as a consequence of not heeding that advice.

And honestly, the time for advice is long past. It doesn't sound like she's in a position to do anything about the second mortgage or car note now, and at her age a layoff is tantamount to forced retirement because it is very unlikely that she'll be hired in anything but the most menial, low-paying jobs (and even that is far from certain). Even if she knows she's not prepared for retirement, she might be spinning the layoff that way to save face rather than openly admitting she's at an age where the working world as a whole sees her as worthless.

 

[sarah4770]

In the same vein ,SIL met her DH online after divorce
He flew here with only the clothes on his back
He works hourly unskilled jobs and for years worked for cash so who knows what SS will pay him

I read tat 50% Americans have nothing saved for retirement and plan on living on SS alone
Scary

question. Is he happy?
is he not responsible for his choices?

 

[gwynne]

Here is the real deal ~ at 62 if her job goes her options are limited. Companies are not hiring older folks much. Best thing you could do for her is if she asks, help he figure out how to budget and live within her budget.

A fairly easy suggestion, if asked, would be to help her find senior citizen apartments/housing. Often they rent on a sliding scale.