*sigh* need to vent - things are coming undone

[Principessa1284]

Long story short, my DH and I are planning a "wedding" in June, but got married in December in a very small ceremony just outside of Disney for a number of legal and insurance reasons. I hated to just do a justice of the peace in city hall, so we did it up just a little bit more than that, and had about 10 people, a rev. to do the ceremony, and some snacks and drinks for a little party after. The only people who know we are married are our co-workers, a handful of our friends in Orlando, and our parents. Since we were planning a big wedding in my hometown in NY in June, my mother begged that we not tell anyone else about this ceremony so they wouldn't be upset or feel jipped that they missed "the real thing."

Originally, the pastor at my parents' church had agreed to do the ceremony in NY and was filled in on the circumstances and was cool with it. He checked the day we wanted and said there wasn't any other weddings that day, so he put us on the schedule and we booked with the reception hall. We are doing a friday wedding set to start at 5pm. So a few weeks later we called to set up the rehearsal, and come to find out the only time we could have the wedding on friday was at 2pm because they had a rehearsal starting at 4 for the wedding the next day. WHAT?? Who's going to come to a wedding at 2pm on a friday?? Panic mode sets in, but we get a hold of my sister's pastor and my mom fills him in and he agrees, says no problem. Traded a few emails with him last month, and we agreed to meet today while I'm in town for a long weekend for my bridal shower.

So, I meet with him this morning and he tells me that he can only do it as a commitment ceremony and that I'm going to have to tell my family and the rest of my guests that we're already married. OH. CRAP. I understand where he's coming from, but couldn't he have told my mother that months and months ago when they first talked? So now we're freaking out that my whole family is going to find out that we basically lied to them. I so just wanted to tell them from the beginning!!

I don't know what to do now.. so many family members are going to be upset.. I half thought about canceling the ceremony there and having a friend who's a JOP in NY do it.. but the invites have already been printed. Not sent out yet, but paid for and printed.

Sigh. I really just needed to vent.. but any advice is welcome

 

[sambycat]

yeah thats a tricky one. it seems the key is trying to do the thing in or affiliated with a church as opposed to at a different venue? i do agree that whomever you spoke to as an officiant should have made clear what they could/couldn't do and that if they made a commitment to do something, they should hold that commitment with the same respect of any other engagement they might be involved in. i'm sorry for all the changes!

that said, except for the fact that the pastor said he would, i'm surprised you would think you could just have a full on religious wedding in a church? not trying to say that harshly, but you already got married. and it sounds like actually a lot of people know? its funny, my brother actually called me and told me he was getting married ahead of schedule for the reasons you cite, and i was shocked because it did make me kind of mad - and i was one of the ones who knew! or military people have done that for protection reasons too - but i think its kind of on the hush hush if a "real" wedding is being planned. on the flip side, my FH is recently unemployed and we have discussed in passing the necessity of marrying now for insurance reasons, i haven't investigated what impact that would have on our wedding planning but i doubt thats what we would end up doing....

it sucks about the printer issue, can you somehow just make is a reception? if all that cant or i can see why you wouldn't want to change things, especially at this point, i dont think telling people in some way is bad per se. as a family member of someone who did this, i have to say i wish i either didnt know (which i think truly means NOBODY knows but the bride and groom) or they would have been more honest about things upfront come the wedding celebration day? having had a celebration, though small, ahead of time is more the complicating factor i think then fact that you had a civil ceremony. i missed whether all the planning was in force when you had the civil ceremony? i guess i just think i would be more hurt to find out at some point - and since lots of people already know, it will come out - that you had a ceremony AND a wedding celebration then another wedding without acknowledging that.

ultimately, i am sure your family will understand and they are and want you to be happy! if there is a way to tweak any of this, or make the ceremony more of a blessing or something, i think i would go for that! good luck! i know its hard!!! i wonder if the pastor would work with you to create some wording to acknowledge the commitment ceremony part or just make the ceremony more vague? although if we has now point blank said you have to tell people, i'm not sure i would trust him to not blatantly bring it up.

 

[Petals & Pixie Dust]

In someways we were in the same boat. My cobra health insurance had run out and if you don't have insurance-well...its like AAA-you end up needing it when you least expect it. It would have been the one thing that financially would have wiped us out. Anyway...I understand where you are coming from.

So, here is my question-even though it has to be a "commitment" ceremony-does the wording really change? Is this a ceremony that the officiant is coming up with? Or do you have any input in this? People aren't going to notice a slight change in wording. For example, "We are gathered here today to celebrate the love of ....." people aren't really going to pick up on it. Honestly, I'm not super certain that people really pay attention to the ceremony-I can tell you that all of the weddings that I've gone to-I have yet to really pay attention (I know I know-bad guest!) And honestly, you could get away with saying "you may now kiss your bride" shouldn't really matter b/c you are the BRIDE...and they would do that in a vow renewal anyway-OR you could say "You may now kiss your wife" and I dont think that anyone would be any wiser-after all-you are being pronounced husband and wife. OR you could use what my officant originally wanted to use "you may now kiss each other." (we nixed that and told him we appreciated him being PC but honestly-it wasn't our style) I would tell him that you understand that he has to do a commitment ceremony-but you want what you write...make it look like a commitment ceremony and dance around the issue. OK maybe not totally honest-but no one is going to pick up on it. (I'm pretty certain my BIL fell asleep at one point in the ceremony and then woke back up...) I appreciate the fact that your officiant wants to be honest-but he should not put you in this situation if he already agreed to the circumstances. NOT FAIR.

I'm not sure if this helped or not. I feel for you b/c we are in the same boat. We are getting married on our first anniversary b/c we wanted to have ONE anniversary date. Everyone that was at the legal ceremony will be at the disney wedding. (not ideal-long story-see PJ) It will work out...it's all in the wording...

Remember-you aren't the first person to get married before the ceremony and won't be the last-especially in this day and age...not to mention economy. I was in the airport and admired an e-ring that the woman next to me had on...She confided in me that she had already gotten married b/c they bought a house together and it was easier legally...No one knew and they were getting married in Jamaica with their families...it happens...

Good luck!

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[aimeeblonde]

I agree with Cooky. Ultimately, it's your day. Do with it as you wish. Your family will love and support you!

 

[*Pixiedust1438*]

My sister got married in April a few years ago and only me and DF, my parents, and her in laws were there. She then had a wedding in June at home. Although everyone knew, the ceremony was in our church and the wording was exactly the same as a regular ceremony, even though it was labeled a "commitment ceremony." I would talk to the pastor and see what the wording will be like, it might be called a commitment ceremony, but no one would probably notice the difference. Personally though I would just explain your situation to your family, and hope they understand, if they end up finding out in a different way they will probably just be more mad.

 

[not_Joanna_eggs]

We had to get married legally at home before our Disney ceremony, and our officiant had to call our ceremony a "vow renewal" We worked with him to pick out the specific wording in places so that it was ambiguous.

We used "celebrating the marriage of" a lot. None of our guests caught on, and we treated it like our wedding. Only my parents and our officiant knew any different.

Maybe you could work with the pastor and approach it as a vow renewal instead of a commitment ceremony. That would be less obvious to your guests...

Good Luck

 

[Lorelei528]

We also were already legally married (which is like getting your drivers license). But referring to our wedding as a vow renewal never happened once. Not by us, by Rev. Miller or Tanis or Rosie...

A marriage ceremony is not a wedding necessarily...that's how I explain it...

I don't think it's right that your pastor said you had to tell everyone you were already married...

 

[Ember]

I'm going to be the one to speak out against having a "secret" wedding first and then trying to fool people. I think you should be honest and tell people this is a renewal or commitment ceremony. Anyone who loves or cares about will understand the reasons and not treat your special day any differently. (And anyone who does doesn't really care.) But in the same light, basically lying to people you love and care about isn't a great idea. If you think people will be mad they missed out on "the real thing" just think how they'll feel when they find out your wedding was just a show put on for them. . . You were totally right on this.

I would print new invites that say something like:

Jane and John spoke their marriage vows in private on January 4th, 2010
They would now like to share their love and commitment with you
In a vow renewal to be celebrated on August 12, 2010

Ultimately, you don't owe anyone an explanation for your actions, especially as you did nothing wrong. In your specific case, if you've already fibbed a few times, then when someone brings it up say something like, "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you right away. I was embarrassed and thought people wouldn't understand..." Then trail off and look sheepish. This puts the other person in the role of understanding and makes them feel like the bigger person. (Please note, I still don't think you did anything wrong by getting married before your public ceremony.)

I honestly never understood the whole need to keep a marriage a secret if you have to sign the papers early anyway. It's a common thing, for a vast number of reasons, and people who would treat your wedding day as less special because of it are goobers.

 

[Alesia]

I don't think it's right that your pastor said you had to tell everyone you were already married...

You really don't see why a man of the cloth would have a problem with lying during a religious ceremony?

 

[Lorelei528]

You really don't see why a man of the cloth would have a problem with lying during a religious ceremony?

How is it lying to just perform a wedding ceremony? Any wedding I've ever been to the rabbi, priest or whatever officiant is doing the ceremony never came right out and said anything like "...here's so and so who are getting married for the first time..." Not saying anything in reference to the couple already being married is not lying.

Our reverend performed a ceremony for us. It was a wedding ceremony, it was not a vow renewal and Rev. Miller did not put in the ceremony anything about us already being legally married in NY.

And no, I guess I don't see why. I did not grow up Christian or Catholic plus I gave up on organized religion years ago and am an atheist now.

 

[Petals & Pixie Dust]

We also were already legally married (which is like getting your drivers license).

I totally agree with this...We were legally married and we call it the 'dry run.'

 

[Alesia]

How is it lying to just perform a wedding ceremony? Any wedding I've ever been to the rabbi, priest or whatever officiant is doing the ceremony never came right out and said anything like "...here's so and so who are getting married for the first time..." Not saying anything in reference to the couple already being married is not lying.

Considering they are actively trying to prevent their guests from finding out that they are already married, then yes, they are clearly lying. I completely understand the pastor being uncomfortable with that.

 

[PinkRhombus]

How is it lying to just perform a wedding ceremony? Any wedding I've ever been to the rabbi, priest or whatever officiant is doing the ceremony never came right out and said anything like "...here's so and so who are getting married for the first time..." Not saying anything in reference to the couple already being married is not lying.

Our reverend performed a ceremony for us. It was a wedding ceremony, it was not a vow renewal and Rev. Miller did not put in the ceremony anything about us already being legally married in NY.

And no, I guess I don't see why. I did not grow up Christian or Catholic plus I gave up on organized religion years ago and am an atheist now.

They can't knowingly participate in anything that. They take oaths. It would kind of be like an accessory to a crime.

To the OP: Most of the people I know who have gone the same route have, if they didn't just forgo all of the fluff, just had a nice reception. The bride and groom dressed up, but didn't have the formal gown, etc.

If you were a friend/relative, I would be totally po'd just because you're trying to lie. I would totally be understanding of the reasons you had to get married earlier. I just don't understand why you felt you had to try to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. It's going to make it seem like nothing more than a present grab.

Trust me, you'll be made fun of forEVER if you go through with this.

 

[delmar411]

I'm not sure what religion you are OP but I'm roman catholic and marriage is a sacrament to be received. DH and I were married legally by a JP a year before receiving the actual sacrament of marriage. Two completely different things. We had our church wedding w/o any issue. The priest was fully aware that we were already legally married and the only thing he did differently was not sign a marriage certificate.

Obviously our guests also knew we were already married but we didn't treat the church wedding any differently because of it. We specifically indicated on the invites that this was our ceremony to receive the sacrament of marriage.

Anyway, I hope it all works out for you OP.