Shy child and Kindergarten?

[100AcreWood]

I registered my dd5 for kindergarten this week. When I told her preschool teacher this morning she indicated dd might not be ready. The only reason she gave is dd's shy personality. She whispers a lot and doesn't speak up. She also is very hesitate to ask if she needs help. She is a November baby so I can't imagine holding her back another year. I know she is very quiet but I don't know if holding her back is going to change that. This is nothing new. I also am concerned she will be looked over in a big school environment but I think she will adjust at some point. Also, I was surprised to hear she hasn't opened up more at preschool. She really likes it and has been going to that school for 3 years now.

Anyway, not sure what to think here. Anyone dealt with this?

 

[pacrosby]

I registered my dd5 for kindergarten this week. When I told her preschool teacher this morning she indicated dd might not be ready. The only reason she gave is dd's shy personality. She whispers a lot and doesn't speak up. She also is very hesitate to ask if she needs help. She is a November baby so I can't imagine holding her back another year. I know she is very quiet but I don't know if holding her back is going to change that. This is nothing new. I also am concerned she will be looked over in a big school environment but I think she will adjust at some point. Also, I was surprised to hear she hasn't opened up more at preschool. She really likes it and has been going to that school for 3 years now.

Anyway, not sure what to think here. Anyone dealt with this?

I'm confused....you registered her today for when? For next September? And the preschool teacher is saying she still won't be ready in 9 months? How does she know? A lot can change in 9 months...particularly for a child that young.

Or perhaps you are trying to register her midyear. Is that it?

Like I said.....I'm confused

 

[bearloch]

yeah a lot depends on when she is going? when you say shy is she scared to meet people or just a quiet talker? has been invited to friends house for playdates? does she open up there?? does she do anything else like dance? gymnastics. soccer? is she quiet there too? If she is really shy holding her back wont do much good But you may need to put her in a group sport setting that would help her alot.. soccer is good for that more so that t-ball as they are running close together.. also is she very quiet in neijhborhood? she may be scared of getting into trouble at school if she has seen the teacher tell others to be quiet. I a former pre-k teacher so ju wondering. has the pre-school teacher done anything to help her engage with other kids? does she talk about friends home? start asking her questions like Who did you have snack with? sit nextto for story? who didyou play with? color with? see if she is engaging in activies or sitting on sidelines if she is on sidelines how long has that been teacher should have done something by now.. you may need to move her to a new preschool!!

good luck sorry I kinda ramble my brains thinks faster than i can type

 

[Fyrefly]

1) Assuming this is for next September, how does the preschool teacher know how your kid will be when she's almost six?
2) I'm pretty sure it's the law in most states that she has to be in school by next year anyway.

I was November and I ended up starting the year I turned 5, so I was 4 in kindergarten for a few months. But I was an early one. My boyfriend was October and he started when he was 5 almost 6. Fall babies are always awkward!

Depends on the kid, but it's kind of out of your hands anyway. I think by 6 she should be able to deal, and if she can't, she'll learn. It's not like keeping her away from large environments will help her learn to deal with them! If she's also just quiet, that's fine too as long as she learns to ask when she needs help. You could just ask the kindergarten teacher to keep an eye on her and help her work on the asking for help issue.

Your initial instincts are good I think, she'll be fine. And kindergarten is always a mess of kids getting used to organized school. She's not going to be the only one who takes a bit of time to adjust.

 

[brymolmom]

Wow. I can't imagine waiting to send a child when they're six - almost 7. She would likely feel very awkward in a class where she is so significantly older than everyone. She'll mature faster (think of when she's 10 - 13 and all the rest are 2 years younger than she is.

In addition, unless she has some sort of actual limitation, and no, I don't consider a shy personality that - I mean a motor skill delay, or learning disability, or other delay of some sort - I would NEVER hold back my child in that way. She should be doing 2 digit addition when she's 7 - not learning 1 + 1 like Kindergartners do.

Think of it this way - IMO most teachers will tell you to hold back your child to cover their own butts. If your child has an issue, they figure they'll be blamed for telling you to send her.

My dd started K when she was 4....turned 5 a month and a half later. She is quiet in class (speaks softly, etc.) but that's her personality. Even now when she's in 3rd grade and 8 years old she STILL speaks softly. So if you wait for her to outgrow that - you might not send her to Kindergarten til she's 15!

 

[pacrosby]

So you haven't come back yet but it appears the assumption is you are talking about September 2012 and if that is the case I wouldn't even second guess yourself. It's a long way off. And like others have said, she'll legally HAVE to go at that point anyway.

But just in case you were hoping to get her in midyear......my first thought is how can you do that? And my second thought would be...why would you want to? What would you gain from that?

IMO too many people get all hung up on the 'age' when truth is development is what is important and all kids don't develop at the same pace. To each his own (and honestly I do mean that) but I'll never understand the push some parents feel. In the same class you will find some kids on the older end and some kids on the younger end. And they all seem to blend in together since no one walks around with their birthdates stamped on their forehead. Sometimes the older kids even look like they are the younger kids and vice versa. Most times they all look about the same. Kids aren't going to do any better in life if they graduate at 16 or 17; and no worse if they graduate at 18 or 19. If we'd all just stop worrying about the stuff that doesn't really matter, things would go a lot more smoothly....for everyone


ETA: for the sake of full disclosure I will add that I do have a son that is in 2nd grade and will be turning 9 in January. I didn't feel he was developmentally ready when he was 5 and so waited until the next year making him closer to 7 than 6. Is he feeling out of place? Well, seeing that he is the size of a kindergartener, no LOL I'd say the next door neighbor, who is the more typical age for a 2nd grade but is the size of a 4th grader, feels, and looks, significantly more awkward when standing amoungst his classmates

 

[Disneychix]

I am dealing with this right now.
My DS is in Pre-k. He is extremely shy. He sometimes does not even talk to family members. He went to 2 years of Nursery School and did not say 1 word to his teacher. His Pre-K teacher really has to work hard to get him to speak up and he'll only talk in 1-0n-1 situations. He doesn't socialize with the other kids during 'dramatic' play. We have been advised to get him tested through the CPSE program. We've done this before and DS had speech and OT services but 'graduated' from those services. Not sure if the school system will do anything for us just because our DS won't socialize but ya never know.

We do have him in all kinds of sports and playdates. He is just not a talker unless he's with us or 1-on-1. He will tell us all about school and does enjoy going.

OP: I would enroll your DD in kindergarten and maybe the school system can help her in some way with the social skills if they are still lacking next year.

 

[100AcreWood]

Sorry, I should have explained better in my post. Our school system is trying a new plan this year so kindergarteners are having to register very early for next Fall. I know, it's crazy!

Anyway, my child has playdates and socializes well with other children. She definitely prefers 1 on 1 playdates. I have noticed if you have more than 2 other children in the room she will shut down and play by herself. She is very cautious around new situations but has no trouble separating from me at gymnastics or preschool.

I wonder if she finds authority figures intimidating? She met my cousin for the first time this weekend and he is a super big intimidating dude and she had no trouble carrying on a conversation with him. I emailed the director at our preschool and she is going to discuss the situation with me tomorrow. I'm even willing to send her to preschool 4 days instead of 3 if that makes a difference. Thank you for trying to help!

 

[MSSANDRA]

While I am a supporter of delayed entry to kindergarten for some late summer birthday children, it would be an extreme case for me to even consider retaining a November birthday.

Being shy is a personality trait, just like being outgoing or having a humorous personality. To determine retention, you look at many other factors. It sounds like increasing your child's days from 3 to 4 might be a reasonable choice though I only sent my older DS 3 days a week.

FYI- Most states do not require children to be enrolled in school until 7. Some are 8 and there may be some that are 6 but I am unaware of which ones they might be.

 

[nilseks]

I have two extremely shy sons. I never thought twice about NOT sending them (although one has a late bday and didn't go until he was almost 6 anyway). If anything, I thought that going to K would help them spread their wings a bit, since I am a stay at home mom and they had never been in daycare or anything.

Youngest DS in now in 2nd grade and turning into a social butterfly. He is funny and well-liked, and shyness is no longer an issue, despite the fact he NEVER talked to his preschool teachers. As in, ever!

Older DS is still very shy, has a hard time looking people in the eye, and is now in 5th grade. His teachers say that even though he is not outgoing, he is well-liked and respected by his peers. He does have friends, and they are all great kids. His teachers would like him to participate more but they know that he is doing great academically, so they push him to participate but not TOO hard.

Don't let what one teacher says stick in your mind. You know your daughter better than anyone. My guess is she will be just fine, and Kindergarten will open new doors for her and eventually, she will learn to fly.

 

[pacrosby]

While I am a supporter of delayed entry to kindergarten for some late summer birthday children, it would be an extreme case for me to even consider retaining a November birthday.

Being shy is a personality trait, just like being outgoing or having a humorous personality. To determine retention, you look at many other factors. It sounds like increasing your child's days from 3 to 4 might be a reasonable choice though I only sent my older DS 3 days a week.

FYI- Most states do not require children to be enrolled in school until 7. Some are 8 and there may be some that are 6 but I am unaware of which ones they might be.

I do agree. In our case my son has a complicated medical condition that required a number of serious invasive surgeries in infancy/toddlerhood. As a result, developmentally, he really is more of a 2nd than a 3rd grader and while he would have 'managed' if we had sent him at 5, it would've been a struggle for all involved. Every teacher/doctor we have know has agreed it was the right decision for him.

Regarding the age to start school, in Massachusetts children must be enrolled by six. I was unaware not all states were the same. I'd be interested in knowing which state(s) allows children to not start Kindergarten until the age of 8. That seems crazy.

 

[daisyduck123]

While I am a supporter of delayed entry to kindergarten for some late summer birthday children, it would be an extreme case for me to even consider retaining a November birthday.

Being shy is a personality trait, just like being outgoing or having a humorous personality. To determine retention, you look at many other factors. It sounds like increasing your child's days from 3 to 4 might be a reasonable choice though I only sent my older DS 3 days a week.

FYI- Most states do not require children to be enrolled in school until 7. Some are 8 and there may be some that are 6 but I am unaware of which ones they might be.

Kindergarten is mandatory here in Maryland. The cut-off is Sept. 1, age 5.

 

[henry72]

With a November birthday, there is no way I would hold her back. She can change a lot in 9 months plus really the school is use to having a diverse group of kids attending. Some will never have gone to school before.

I never considered holding my son back until his preschool teacher suggested it due to social maturity. His birthday is in May and we put him in a pre-K/gift of time program so he started Kinder at age 6. It was SO WORTH IT! We don't regret it and he is totally a different child for having an extra year of growing up.

I would go ahead and register her for Kindergarten.

 

[Bonnie151]

Anyway, my child has playdates and socializes well with other children. She definitely prefers 1 on 1 playdates. I have noticed if you have more than 2 other children in the room she will shut down and play by herself. She is very cautious around new situations but has no trouble separating from me at gymnastics or preschool.

This is my daughter. She's 6 and is in P2 (2nd grade). At every parent teacher conference we're told that she doesn't voluntarily speak in class. Not ever! Wish it would rub off on my son a bit!

Having said that, she's setled into school very well. She's incredibly happy, chatters about her day, is happy with her little group of friends (but is a girl who likes to have a best friend), and academically is doing very well.

She's just very shy and doesn't like to speak in class. We're trying to encourage her to speak out more, but I'm not worried about it.

 

[maplevale]

We are in Canada so our dates are a little different. My DD started Junior Kindergarten this past September and she won`t be FOUR until December 21 (cutoff is Dec 31).

In daycare she was `babied`, she is shy out in public or at extra curricular activities. She pretty much refused to pick up a pencil/crayon to do something other then scribble.... and she STILL cried at daycare drop off (despite being in daycare full time since she was 1 and loving it once I left!).

You would not believe my surprise when the first day she walked on the bus and waved! She never looked back. According to her teacher she is doing the same as all the other kids in her class with 'written' work. I am so glad I didn't hesitate!


Additionally - my sister was so painfully shy in kindergarten and grade one she wouldn't even ask the teacher if she could go to the bathroom.... she asked a friend to ask the teacher!! Well - my sister is one of the smartest, mos outgoing persons I know! It took her until Grade 6 to really start to come out of her shell - but she has never been held back by being she when she was younger!

 

[minushka72]

My son started Kindergarten this past September. He turned 5 on 8/22/11 so he was just making the cutoff (8/31). He was not in daycare or pre-school so I thougt he would have a harder time adjusting but he has done really well. He cried the 1st 2 days I brought him but has been fine since. He is a little shy but then becomes a talker once he is used to people. He loves school now!

 

[Leajess99]

While I am a supporter of delayed entry to kindergarten for some late summer birthday children, it would be an extreme case for me to even consider retaining a November birthday.

Being shy is a personality trait, just like being outgoing or having a humorous personality. To determine retention, you look at many other factors. It sounds like increasing your child's days from 3 to 4 might be a reasonable choice though I only sent my older DS 3 days a week.

FYI- Most states do not require children to be enrolled in school until 7. Some are 8 and there may be some that are 6 but I am unaware of which ones they might be.

Pennsylvania and Washington are 8. There are 17 states that the child has to be enrolled by 7. 23 states are age 6 and 8 states have the compulsory age set to 5 years old.

I just can't imagine how a school determines to place a child first enrolled in school at age 7 or 8.

ETA: I used this site for the information but followed up with other sites - http://mb2.ecs.org/reports/Report.aspx?id=32

 

[MissChris]

It sounds like your kid isn't developmentally lagging, she's just shy. As a shy person myself I bristle a little at the way shyness is portrayed as a disability or a flaw. I know you didn't say it was a flaw, but the teacher seems to think that she has to "grow out of" her shyness in order to be successful, I disagree. Particularly if she plays well with her friends and enjoys socializing at her own level and pace.

I was a very quiet, shy, introverted kid and remain a somewhat shy and introverted adult and I made friends and did quite well in school (if I do say so myself )

I think school especially worked out for me because it allowed me to be good at something and get recognized for it without having to draw a lot of attention to myself. Sometimes shy people really shine in an academic atmosphere for that reason. Let her go and find her way, she might surprise you.

 

[clm10308]

I agree that shyness is not a reason to keep her out of kindergarten. If she might have an issue that may eventually qualify her for special services, it would be better to get her into public school sooner rather than later as the process can take a very long time for a student to get identified.

My DD was very similar to what you describe. She was/is fine one-on-one, but had a very hard time with large groups. It turned out to be a characteristic of her ADHD. When there was too much going on around her she did not know where to focus, so she kept to her self. It didn't impact here learning at all. Infact, I think she became a much stronger reader as a result since she read books as a way of coping.

 

[AZMermaid]

First grade teacher here. I agree, I would not hold a November b-day kid unless there was a serious issue. I assume she will be 5, turning 6 in Nov. I am for August and some July babies (especially boys) waiting. Many young ones are fine, but always have minor behavior/ social/ academic issues. Anyway, the only red flag in your post was that she only goes to preschool 3 days a week. Is Kindergarten half or full day? Here in AZ, most schools (probably 80% of public schools, 60% of private) only offer full day, so if that is the case, that seems like a HUGE adjustment to go from part day 3 days a week to 7 hours a day 5 days a week, especially for a shier child. If it is half day, this probably won't be as huge of an issue, but it might be a good idea to start sending her 4 or even 5 days a week after the new year. Good luck!