Should we invite MIL to Disney?

[ammeador2]

Alright here is the background on my MIL and step-FIL. MIL is very odd...she is nice in a weird way..she actually kind of reminds me of Marie from "Everybody Loves Raymond" We get along but she's very shy and doesn't talk to me very much if at all sometimes when she does she hurts my feelings or says spiteful things. I don't dislike her, I just can't figure her out and DH and I have been married for 5 years! We have 2 kids DD 3 and DS 20 months. She doesn't have any other kids but my husband so no other grandkids. She doesn't call DH if at all, which bothers me as a mom..in 5 years she's only called him once his b-day. Again this bothers me! Her reasoning is she's afarid to bother us and she's afraid to upset Aaron. I don't get it. Another thing about my MIL is she's a hoarder. She won't throw anything away! I mean anything! I've never been inside her home, DH said he can't bring me in her home. This doesn't seem to upset her either. It's not like she's ever even invited us all over for dinner or anything. She buys things in advance (on clearance) which is fine...I LOVE clearance but then holds onto these thigns because she can't find them. My DH has told me that there are stacks of thigns in the house with a path to walk thru. I am not lying nor am I being mean or over exaggerating! When she does find what she's bought the kids..they smell so funny that it takes 4 washes before I can bring myself to dry them. It's just odd! I don't know how to explain it!

I know after reading this you guys probably think that I am a really mean DIL! But I'm not. I really would love for her to able to spend time with her grandkids. I feel horrible because she doesn't live far from us at all, but never calls us, never comes over unless we invite her and give her plenty of notice! I feel like she's missing out on so much! I would love to invite her to go to WDW with us, but I'm not sure how much I will be able to handle. I am smart enough to know that I would not be able to drive down with her, becuase of the weird smell her clothes and her car has. When I was preggers both times opening gifts from her just about did me in. I kid you not!

I don't want to ruin her vacation and I don't want to ruin ours either if we invite her. I hope that she would the opportunity to spend time like this with her son and her grandkids. What grandparent wouldn't like seeing their grandkids light up at Disney?

Any sugestions?

 

[Mrs D]

I get where you are coming from...on many issues.
I would not invite her on a trip that is any more than 2 days; you'd hate to have your memories of this vacation be about her rather than your kids.

I would advise to plan a special day (maybe even an overnight trip) someplace closer to home. Kids get some quality time with Grandma and you get a scheduled escape.

 

[JimR24]

Your heart is in the right place but it sounds like her problems are pretty deep. I would take your family and go enjoy yourselves. I just found out traveling with in-laws can be very tough and mine are somewhat normal, somewhat being the key word. It was a pretty expensive lesson, but one I will NEVER forget.

 

[Mrs D]

Wow! JimR, we were VWL at the same time! Funny!

 

[LadyShea]

That level of hoarding (paths through the stacks) indicates a possible mental illness, often related to OCD. She may not call or be socially astute because her compulsion(s) may take up much of her time and thoughts.

I don't know about inviting her to Disney, what does your husband think.

 

[moepanz]

Don't do it! I have wacky in-laws myself and one thing I have learned over the last 10yrs. is you can't create what is not there. I am sure you feel like your kids are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to grandparents but it is ok they don't know. Your mil has issues and that is OK. She is distant for a reason, leave it at that. You are not a bad DIL at all. You want your kids to have a forfilling family experaince (my sp is really bad sorry) but please do not ask them to go. If you are stressed about asking them you know you should'nt do it. Enjoy your family trip send grandma a post card that she can hoard and she will happy with that. If you husband is fine with the way things are leave it alone. Please, my DH had countless fights about his mom and how she will take a 3 hr bus ride to Atlantic City but won't take a 1hr train ride to see her grandkids. It is not worth it.
Hope this helps.

 

[ammeador2]

That level of hoarding (paths through the stacks) indicates a possible mental illness, often related to OCD. She may not call or be socially astute because her compulsion(s) may take up much of her time and thoughts.

I don't know about inviting her to Disney, what does your husband think.

He told me that he would think about it. I don't think that he thinks it's a good idea either. She makes me feel so conflicted.

Your heart is in the right place but it sounds like her problems are pretty deep. I would take your family and go enjoy yourselves. I just found out traveling with in-laws can be very tough and mine are somewhat normal, somewhat being the key word. It was a pretty expensive lesson, but one I will NEVER forget.

We just got back from our first trip to WDW and we were telling her about it, and I felt so guilty about talking about it. She's great at making me feel guilty and she was going on and on about how she'd like to go next year and she knows taht we are going...She travels quiet a bit and wants to get a mini van so we can travel together. Won't happen! I couldn't do it! I could fly and meet her but not ride with her.

I get where you are coming from...on many issues.
I would not invite her on a trip that is any more than 2 days; you'd hate to have your memories of this vacation be about her rather than your kids.

I would advise to plan a special day (maybe even an overnight trip) someplace closer to home. Kids get some quality time with Grandma and you get a scheduled escape.

Disney is expensive and for things to not go well would really suck! She's never babysat my kids or anything...DH has said our children will never go into that house! I feel so bad because my kids don't know her and I know it's not my fault..I call her and DH calls her. I invited her to the zoo just last weekend..No one got hurt! LOL...

 

[ammeador2]

Don't do it! I have wacky in-laws myself and one thing I have learned over the last 10yrs. is you can't create what is not there. I am sure you feel like your kids are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to grandparents but it is ok they don't know. Your mil has issues and that is OK. She is distant for a reason, leave it at that. You are not a bad DIL at all. You want your kids to have a forfilling family experaince (my sp is really bad sorry) but please do not ask them to go. If you are stressed about asking them you know you should'nt do it. Enjoy your family trip send grandma a post card that she can hoard and she will happy with that. If you husband is fine with the way things are leave it alone. Please, my DH had countless fights about his mom and how she will take a 3 hr bus ride to Atlantic City but won't take a 1hr train ride to see her grandkids. It is not worth it.
Hope this helps.

Sounds like my grandmother on my mom's side. She won't call me b/c its long distance, so we ditched the home phone and use the cells and she still doesn't call and it's not long distance... She's only seen my kids 2 times!!

I guess I am afraid that MIL thinks that I'm terrible since I stole her baby..when she never called him before we got married! And I just want her to be involved.

Man, my family is really messed up! LOL...

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I would not take her. I can appreciate your wanting your family to spend time together, but that is not always the best thing...take it from me...I know from experience.

 

[AngieWin]

We took mil on our last trip and although she enjoyed a few parts, most of the rest was not enjoyable to her for soooo many reasons.

If I had it to do again, I wouldn't have asked her. But then again, it would have been nice to leave the overly pain-in-rear teenagers at home too

 

[stitch34]

I voted no. You go and have fun with your DH and kids and enjoy yourselves. I wouldn't want to have to worry about having a MIL there, and trying to make sure she's having a good time, or having to be considerate of her if she's had enough of a park for the day and you guys want to keep on going, and so on. If she was super close to you guys and the kids really would enjoy her and she'd also be a big help with the kids, than that may be different. Also, I would hate to book a trip and include her, get all your ADRs ready, and then for some reason last minute she changes her mind. I'd say just go with your family and enjoy yourselves and not have to worry about entertaining a MIL.

 

[disykat]

you can't create what is not there.

Great advice. Continue to invite her to your home and into your children's lives, but please don't stress out ALL the parties involved by inviting her to Disney. Hoarding is all about CONTROL. I can't imagine her being comfortable on someone else's vacation.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

That level of hoarding (paths through the stacks) indicates a possible mental illness, often related to OCD. She may not call or be socially astute because her compulsion(s) may take up much of her time and thoughts.QUOTE]

I agree with LadyShea's comments.

Serious complusive hoarding is a mental illness. Your MIL is probably in need of phychiatric intervention. I certainly wouldn't take her on a WDW vacation. You DH might need to seriously consider talking to her about getting professional help.

 

[pooh101]

Another vote for "NO". Have fun with your family. If she wants to be more involved with the grandkids or her son and you, it should not start at Disney. One little snide comment or remark (and you KNOW there will be at least one), will ruin your trip. Your husband doesn't sound too thrilled about bringing her. Don't ruin everyone's vacation and don't feel guilty--you didn't bring this on.

 

[The Disney Bunch]

[I would not invite her - there are alot of grandparents who do not enjoy their grandchildren. Do you really want to spend your entire trip trying to guess what will work with her & what will not? Try some local trips or events that you can invite her to and see how that works.

 

[DawnM]

Could she even handle all the walking at Disney?

I think I might take her on a weekend trip to the beach where she could relax, but if she is anything like my great aunt (who also was a horder and had paths in her house), she couldn't handle the walking and wouldn't care for the rides too much anyway.

Dawn

 

[tripplanner]

This could be my MIL. The only big difference is that she never really says mean/spiteful things. She does sometimes say inappropriate things around the kids. She is missing that "adult filter" that most grownups naturally have. We do go to her house a couple times a year, but we feel soo guilty because she goes into a cleaning frenzy because it's such a mess. Even after the frenzy, it's difficult to find a path to walk through or a place to sit. She also never calls because she "doesn't want to bother us". Barely ever spends time with the kids unless we initiate it. If she comes to the house, it takes quite a bit of convincing that she's not bothering us to get her in the door.

I'm going against the crowd on this. I would actually vote to take her with you. Not for a long trip like 7 - 10 days, but maybe for a short 2 or 3 nighter. I would also make sure that there was no doubt we would be flying and staying in separate rooms. My reasoning is that I think it's important for our children to get to know their grandparents. It's also important that your husband gets to spend time with his mother. I don't imagine that your trip will be perfect, but I think it would be worth the effort.

If you decide not to take her or she decides not to go, I definitely don't think you should feel guilty over it. It's taken many years for me to get over my MIL's lack of interest in her children/grandchildren. I've finally come to the realization that she is doing what she can do. She's not mean, just mentally sick. She has seen a doc for her hoarding/cleanliness issues, but it didn't really help. She just gets mad when her children try to press her into getting further help. So these days, I make the effort to make sure the kids and my husband see her at least once a month.

 

[kimis]

I get where you are coming from. My mil is evil. I met my husband 36 years ago and we have been married 33 years. She has told me from the beginning that I am ruining my dh and not good enough for him. Well I have tried. When she visits us I treat her like a queen. Out of respect for my dh I have NEVER said an ugly or rude word to her and I have NEVER even made a face at her. We have taken her on family trips and she always ends up ruining them.
You sound very nice but if you can't go into her home than I would say don't even try to take her on your trip.
I will tell you this. I have always believed you can learn from the negative as well as the positive. I am now a mil with three great daughter in laws. We have a great relationship! They are truelly my daughters! I learned from my mil what not to do and what to do.
Keep us posted on what you decided to do and how it goes.

 

[tzolkin]

This is a tough situation. It could work if you had separate rooms and met up a few times a day, but do you think MIL would agree to that. Or would there be an expectation that you stay together all day?

I get along very well with my MIL, but we did not take her to Disney with us. She lives across the country and usually visits us 2-3 times a year for about 10 days at a time. Everything is fine and often DH has to work most of the days she's here, so it's just her, me, and the kids. However, we went for our first Disney trip with our kids and DH did not want her to come. She lives in FL (we visited for a week before going to disney), but we wanted to have it be our time with our kids and not have to worry about another adult in the mix. MIL likes to do her own thing and we were selfish and wanted to do what we wanted with our kids without following the wants of another adult. DH & I also have a big pet peeve about people wandering off-- like if you're in the grocery store and the person goes off alone and then you spend the whole time wandering around trying to find them. MIL is notorious for this. And we just didn't want the added stress of looking around for someone at Disney. We know our kids arent going to split up from us (heck two of them were still in strollers the whole time). Maybe it would have been different if she was married and had someone to go off on her own with, but since it was just her we knew we couldn't leave for a park and say, "we'll meet up with you for dinner".

We are planning another trip for next year with my parents, siblings, and MIL involved. We figure now we've already had our "family" trip and with several people we should be able to break up and still have some of our own "family time". The grandparents are excited to see the kids at Disney and by the time of our next trip, the kids should be old enough that they could be left with the grandparents while DH & I get some time to enjoy the parks on our own. We knew that MIL would have offered to watch the kids if she had come on our last trip, but the kids were too little (what if one ran off and she couldn't catch him, etc). We would have refused (and probably offended her), which would have added more stress to the trip.

 

[crisi]

I suspect DISNEY in particular will be overwhelming to her. Hording behavior and the amount of crap available at Disney are not a great combination. I agree with the assessment that she is likely mentally ill.

There are probably getaways you can do for a smaller amount of time that will push her buttons less - a beach home or a cabin - something less consumerist. If that works well, you could perhaps work your way up - though I suspect WDW will always be something that is not good for her.

Also, you need to let go that she believes you "stole her baby" - for one thing, it doesn't matter what she believes, she makes her choices - if that is to call him once a year, that's her choice. Her son makes his choices - if that is marrying you, that was his choice. For another, there may be plenty of times she looks around and leaves her fog enough to be grateful that she didn't condemn her son to her life.

My grandmother just died. For 45 years my mother took on the burden of disapproval that was her mother in law's own mental health issues. She said to me after she died "I wish I would have been able to make her like me." For forty five years she tried, and in the end, that was what she was left with.