Should we invite MIL to Disney?

[dolfinjuls]

My vote is NO! We just went with my mil...and I wasn't happy with that decision!

 

[Chelley00]

I ADORE my MIL. Love her. But I refuse to ask her to go to WDW with us. I know our styles are different, our expectations would be different, and I'm paying way too much money to let anyone make us miserable, which it sounds that it what your MIL would do. Go have your vacation, and when you come back, maybe make a point to reach out to her more with the kids, instead of being stuck in a situation on vacation that could damage the relationship more.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

No, don't do it. You're being very thoughtful in wanting to include her more in your lives, but I wouldn't take her on your Disney trip. That's too big of a risk. How about planning a day trip or a weekend trip to someplace close to home? Or make an effort to include her in short outings with the kids like to the park or zoo. Sort of ease her into more involvement with your family. All that togetherness at WDW could be a disaster!

 

[dislal]

hmmmmm you said you don't talk to her unles you call her maybe tell her that you are not going back to disney then just go. Its not like my MIL who would be over at my house trying to peek in the windows to see if anyone is home

 

[ammeador2]

Could she even handle all the walking at Disney?

I think I might take her on a weekend trip to the beach where she could relax, but if she is anything like my great aunt (who also was a horder and had paths in her house), she couldn't handle the walking and wouldn't care for the rides too much anyway.

Dawn

Yes she could handle the walk. She's involved in taekwondo so I think that she could handle it no problem.

This could be my MIL. The only big difference is that she never really says mean/spiteful things. She does sometimes say inappropriate things around the kids. She is missing that "adult filter" that most grownups naturally have. We do go to her house a couple times a year, but we feel soo guilty because she goes into a cleaning frenzy because it's such a mess. Even after the frenzy, it's difficult to find a path to walk through or a place to sit. She also never calls because she "doesn't want to bother us". Barely ever spends time with the kids unless we initiate it. If she comes to the house, it takes quite a bit of convincing that she's not bothering us to get her in the door.

I'm going against the crowd on this. I would actually vote to take her with you. Not for a long trip like 7 - 10 days, but maybe for a short 2 or 3 nighter. I would also make sure that there was no doubt we would be flying and staying in separate rooms. My reasoning is that I think it's important for our children to get to know their grandparents. It's also important that your husband gets to spend time with his mother. I don't imagine that your trip will be perfect, but I think it would be worth the effort.

If you decide not to take her or she decides not to go, I definitely don't think you should feel guilty over it. It's taken many years for me to get over my MIL's lack of interest in her children/grandchildren. I've finally come to the realization that she is doing what she can do. She's not mean, just mentally sick. She has seen a doc for her hoarding/cleanliness issues, but it didn't really help. She just gets mad when her children try to press her into getting further help. So these days, I make the effort to make sure the kids and my husband see her at least once a month.

I make Dh call her. He's to the point where he says if she wants to talk to me, than she can call me for once. I just spoke with DH and we were considering possibly seeing if she wanted to come down for a couple of days. I just don't know if I can do it!

I get where you are coming from. My mil is evil. I met my husband 36 years ago and we have been married 33 years. She has told me from the beginning that I am ruining my dh and not good enough for him. Well I have tried. When she visits us I treat her like a queen. Out of respect for my dh I have NEVER said an ugly or rude word to her and I have NEVER even made a face at her. We have taken her on family trips and she always ends up ruining them.
You sound very nice but if you can't go into her home than I would say don't even try to take her on your trip.
I will tell you this. I have always believed you can learn from the negative as well as the positive. I am now a mil with three great daughter in laws. We have a great relationship! They are truelly my daughters! I learned from my mil what not to do and what to do.
Keep us posted on what you decided to do and how it goes.

That really sucks! I feel so bad for you! At least you have learned from her mistakes and you have a great relationship with your DIL. My mom treats my DH and my SIL like family. I just wish that MIL and I had a better relationship.

This is a tough situation. It could work if you had separate rooms and met up a few times a day, but do you think MIL would agree to that. Or would there be an expectation that you stay together all day?

I get along very well with my MIL, but we did not take her to Disney with us. She lives across the country and usually visits us 2-3 times a year for about 10 days at a time. Everything is fine and often DH has to work most of the days she's here, so it's just her, me, and the kids. However, we went for our first Disney trip with our kids and DH did not want her to come. She lives in FL (we visited for a week before going to disney), but we wanted to have it be our time with our kids and not have to worry about another adult in the mix. MIL likes to do her own thing and we were selfish and wanted to do what we wanted with our kids without following the wants of another adult. DH & I also have a big pet peeve about people wandering off-- like if you're in the grocery store and the person goes off alone and then you spend the whole time wandering around trying to find them. MIL is notorious for this. And we just didn't want the added stress of looking around for someone at Disney. We know our kids arent going to split up from us (heck two of them were still in strollers the whole time). Maybe it would have been different if she was married and had someone to go off on her own with, but since it was just her we knew we couldn't leave for a park and say, "we'll meet up with you for dinner".

We are planning another trip for next year with my parents, siblings, and MIL involved. We figure now we've already had our "family" trip and with several people we should be able to break up and still have some of our own "family time". The grandparents are excited to see the kids at Disney and by the time of our next trip, the kids should be old enough that they could be left with the grandparents while DH & I get some time to enjoy the parks on our own. We knew that MIL would have offered to watch the kids if she had come on our last trip, but the kids were too little (what if one ran off and she couldn't catch him, etc). We would have refused (and probably offended her), which would have added more stress to the trip.

It would most definately have to be seperate rooms (maybe even different hotels!!) as well as flights!

I suspect DISNEY in particular will be overwhelming to her. Hording behavior and the amount of crap available at Disney are not a great combination. I agree with the assessment that she is likely mentally ill.

There are probably getaways you can do for a smaller amount of time that will push her buttons less - a beach home or a cabin - something less consumerist. If that works well, you could perhaps work your way up - though I suspect WDW will always be something that is not good for her.

Also, you need to let go that she believes you "stole her baby" - for one thing, it doesn't matter what she believes, she makes her choices - if that is to call him once a year, that's her choice. Her son makes his choices - if that is marrying you, that was his choice. For another, there may be plenty of times she looks around and leaves her fog enough to be grateful that she didn't condemn her son to her life.

My grandmother just died. For 45 years my mother took on the burden of disapproval that was her mother in law's own mental health issues. She said to me after she died "I wish I would have been able to make her like me." For forty five years she tried, and in the end, that was what she was left with.

Here's the thing. She goes to Disney once a year with taekwondo for tournaments and whatnot. She's never invited us to go. So, I don't think that it would be overwhelming for her. I just think that I will have a hard time trying to keep her happy!!

 

[bobbiwoz]

Even without reading your post, I thought that the overwhelming vote would be "no" and it is. What is it about DMiL's?
Best wishes as you decide! I think there has to be smaller steps towards understanding before you take a major trip like this.
Bobbi

 

[ammeador2]

No, don't do it. You're being very thoughtful in wanting to include her more in your lives, but I wouldn't take her on your Disney trip. That's too big of a risk. How about planning a day trip or a weekend trip to someplace close to home? Or make an effort to include her in short outings with the kids like to the park or zoo. Sort of ease her into more involvement with your family. All that togetherness at WDW could be a disaster!

Thank you. I do try to involve her. When DH takes DD ice skating I make sure I call her and when we go to the zoo I call her.

hmmmmm you said you don't talk to her unles you call her maybe tell her that you are not going back to disney then just go. Its not like my MIL who would be over at my house trying to peek in the windows to see if anyone is home

LOL...she wouldn't notice that is for sure!

 

[disykat]

I am taking note of the OP's name and will not be offering sympathy after her trip.

I don't get it.

I want to invite her, but I don't want her along. It will be miserable, but I'm all about misery, so we're inviting her.

I have not read any of the OP's other posts so I don't know if she's legit, but I can't help but think someone is having fun with us.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong, OP - but have you listened to yourself? Even after an overwhelming no vote, you tell us you're going ahead but planning on being miserable.

 

[ammeador2]

I am taking note of the OP's name and will not be offering sympathy after her trip.

I don't get it.

I want to invite her, but I don't want her along. It will be miserable, but I'm all about misery, so we're inviting her.

I think someone is having fun with us.

You have me confused! I would love to have her along. But I don't think that I can handle 10 days with her in my hotel room or driving down with her. More than anything I would love to have a relationship with this woman. When DH and I just got married I would cry and cry because she wouldn't even speak to me!

A few days, yes I think that would be fine. and DH and I have been considering this but then again if we tell her that we are going for a week and we want her to come down for a couple of days then her feelings get hurt! So I am in a loose loose situation.

 

[ammeador2]

I am taking note of the OP's name and will not be offering sympathy after her trip.

I don't get it.

I want to invite her, but I don't want her along. It will be miserable, but I'm all about misery, so we're inviting her.

I have not read any of the OP's other posts so I don't know if she's legit, but I can't help but think someone is having fun with us.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong, OP - but have you listened to yourself? Even after an overwhelming no vote, you tell us you're going ahead but planning on being miserable.

This is legit! I would not make something like this up! This is crazy. Aaron (my DH) wants to involve his mom into his kids lives. It's not my fault the woman is distant and very odd. I've tried and tried to make ends of this. We haven't spoken about this trip to her at all, this was just some DH and I were talking about. At this point I was trying to get some opinions and lots of people have been very kind and offering suggestions. And no I am not looking for sympathy either.

 

[DopeysMommy]

Here's the thing. She goes to Disney once a year with taekwondo for tournaments and whatnot. She's never invited us to go. So, I don't think that it would be overwhelming for her. I just think that I will have a hard time trying to keep her happy!!

She has the means and opportunity to go, why ruin your trip?

If you do take her, please let us know, because the trip report will be a doozy. The woman is unfriendly to you and cold to her own son? yep, that's my travel buddy.

Sorry to be harsh, but we once took a relative like that--to WDW--about 20 years ago. It was our last big family vacation when I was a kid. I still wish we hadn't done it.

Best advice I got for dealing with loony relatives: Take the relation out of the equation. IF this woman was not your MIL, would you want to travel with her?

 

[famofsix]

the best things to do is accept that you don't have the relationship you wanted with her and she is not going to give it to you. You don't need to feel bad about this. It is not because of you it is the way she is. Does that make sense.

The best thing you can do is still include her by sending a postcard and keeping her uptodate but don't expect anything in return.

Save yourself the heartache of having her on your Disney trip.

 

[ammeador2]

She has the means and opportunity to go, why ruin your trip?

If you do take her, please let us know, because the trip report will be a doozy. The woman is unfriendly to you and cold to her own son? yep, that's my travel buddy.

Sorry to be harsh, but we once took a relative like that--to WDW--about 20 years ago. It was our last big family vacation when I was a kid. I still wish we hadn't done it.

Best advice I got for dealing with loony relatives: Take the relation out of the equation. IF this woman was not your MIL, would you want to travel with her?

I didn't think about that. No, if she wasn't my MIL I wouldn't travel with her. I think that my trip report would be lots and lots of crying! lol

the best things to do is accept that you don't have the relationship you wanted with her and she is not going to give it to you. You don't need to feel bad about this. It is not because of you it is the way she is. Does that make sense.

The best thing you can do is still include her by sending a postcard and keeping her uptodate but don't expect anything in return.

Save yourself the heartache of having her on your Disney trip.

You are right. I will just invite her to do things around here with the kids.

 

[Mom2JoeyandBen]

My MIL is Marie too from that show. In fact we live down the street from my in laws. I have some of the same issues with my MIL and I have had both my MIL and FIL come on vactions with us. I don't recommend it. It is so hard. I invite them because I want them to have a good time with their grandkids, but in the end I end up getting hurt by them and then DH and I end up fighting. I know your trying to be nice, but just be aware that your vactaion will no longer be YOUR vacaiton. Just know what your getting into.

 

[disykat]

deleting because it appears OP is actually starting to listen to what we are all saying.

 

[ammeador2]

deleting because it appears OP is actually starting to listen to what we are all saying.

Look, I would love for her to be in my kids life and to treat me like a person and to call her son! Why are you giving me such a hard time?

 

[DopeysMommy]

Look, I would love for her to be in my kids life and to treat me like a person and to call her son! Why are you giving me such a hard time?

Believe me, we would all like that for you. I don't think a few days in Disney is going to change her. You are welcomed and encouraged to have a relationship with her and foster one with your kids. I think we all have a little baggage we can share on the topic, and would love to save you some heartache.

No one is ganging up on you. Your question was if you should take your slightly odd MIL to Disney. I say h3ck no.

A weekend that you don't have to save and plan till you turn lime green? Sure, take her. It's a lot less to lose. And still gives her time with her grandkids.

just my 2 cents. . .

 

[mommytoone]

I voted NO!! I actually took my MIL with me to WDW for 9 days It was a TOTAL NIGHTMARE!! That was 2 years ago. No mind you my MIL is not the kind that goes along with the program easily. I did all the research, planning, made all reservations all she had to do was show up. All she did was B***h! "Why are you so hot, why did we come in Sept, Why did this, Why did that, ARGH!!!! I wanted to strangle her. I will tell you we are not as close as we were. We talked everyday, now we talk maybe twice a month. It really strained our relationship. I can not take listening to her.

My DD and I just got back from a 9 day trip on Sept 20th and it was truly MAGICAL!!! My DD talks about the trip from 06, and she says that was not a fun as the one we just went on, and she was only 5 at the time. I didn't ask anyone to come with us, it was a girls trip, and it was awesome. I think if my MIL would have come it would not have been a good trip.

My DD gave her trip report in school last week and was talking about the last time we went we took my grandma. My grandma was a pain in the butt, so we didn't ask her to come this time. I just laughed, and told her teacher, well, she was right.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

I'm not sure why the tone of some of these posts are so accusatory . . . the OP's post seems quite legitimate to me. I've seen quite a few of her previous posts and she's always been nice and helpful - unlike many others that post on the DIS.

I completely understand the difficulty in having an unstable (mine's plain crazy sometimes) mother-in-law and a husband whom you love very much and trying to "get along" with their family dynamic. I've been doing it for about 13 years. It's a hard balance most of the time and confusing sometimes. You want to be kind and keep the peace, but sometimes it's hard.

OP don't take some of these posts too seriously. Until someone has really had to deal with a MIL with emotional/mental issues, it's very hard to understand the situation.

 

[ammeador2]

Believe me, we would all like that for you. I don't think a few days in Disney is going to change her. You are welcomed and encouraged to have a relationship with her and foster one with your kids. I think we all have a little baggage we can share on the topic, and would love to save you some heartache.

No one is ganging up on you. Your question was if you should take your slightly odd MIL to Disney. I say h3ck no.

A weekend that you don't have to save and plan till you turn lime green? Sure, take her. It's a lot less to lose. And still gives her time with her grandkids.

just my 2 cents. . .

The other person deleted what was said so now I look like I'm whining!lol

I sincerly appreciate everyones posts and comments. You guys have pointed out things that I may not have thought about.