Should parents be able to force their adult children to vacation with them?

[ValpoCory]

This was an interesting discussion on another DIS board, and one of the mods asked that it be moved here. The question ... should parents be able to force their adult children to vacation with them, children "who have made it clear they do not want to go", and then expect it to go pleasantly?

The key posts ...

You cannot force people, even members of your own family, to enjoy Disneyland. Knowing this, do not purchase plane tickets and park tickets for adult children who have made it clear they do not want to go. They just might pack it in after one day and fly home on their own.

Big lesson learned, won't do that again! (Can laugh about it now)

Wow, I am glad you can laugh now, and I certainly hope there is "more to the story", as they say. Because I can't IMAGINE anyone, much less one's own offspring, being this rude/ungrateful/self-centered. More power to you for being able to laugh about it!

This was at the end of a terrible, horrible summer where our (then 22 year old) daughter had become enmeshed with a not-so-good boyfriend. She was supposed to return to college at the end of August, and we went to Disneyland at the beginning of August. During that trip, before she came home, she told us she was dropping out of college as well.

Four years later, our relationship is slowly being rebuilt, but it is not the same as it was before that summer. I'm not sure that we laugh about it...but we're not as bitter as we once were.

BTDT...she hasn't been on vacation with us since, and we haven't attempted to see if she wants to go.

The following summer...the other four of us took a "makeup" trip to Disneyland. We spent 7 days in the park and did every single thing, it was incredible.

It's also interesting that someone's daughter was called "rude/ungrateful/self-centered" and the parent didn't object.

So what's your opinion? Was this more the child's fault for still going after making it clear they did not want to go, and are they deservedly call rude, ungrateful, and self-centered? Or is this more the parent's fault, for strong-arming this situation into existence?

 

[FINFAN]

no, I do not think a parent should force an adult child to go on vacation with them, no matter what the circumstances are. A trip that is for a family crisis, obligatory type thing, that I would lean a bit heavier on, but even then, no one should be "forced" at the hand of another. That being said, parents should not be held accountable or blamed for poor decisions/ actions that their adult children make.

 

[maelstrom]

I don't know why anyone would try to FORCE their adult offspring to vacation with them. It's one thing if they want to, or they've got kids and want the kids and grandparents to experience Disney together. But to just force a random college student to vacation with his or her parents? Why? Extend the invitation, and if they decline, so be it.

 

[kathie859]

Good grief!! I know I have attachment issues with my DD and DS (both adults and put of the house) but I'd never insist that ANYONE of legal age go anywhere with me if they don't want to go.

I.e., DD passed on a family trip to England/Scotland/Wales when she was 18. Her prerogative.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I am going to say that it's the parents fault. I have a 19 year old who does not vacation with us much anymore because of school and work. Even if we ask her to go, most of the time she won't, that is unless we are going to Disney. she is going with us in Nov.

Why make someone go somewhere if you know they don't want to go? It will just make everyone miserable because they will complain, and the parents will think they are ungrateful brats!

 

[NotUrsula]

I guess I'm dense here, but how would you force such a thing? Did you hog-tie her to get her there?

 

[dislaney]

No! Why would you want to force someone to vacation with you?

 

[LongLiveDisney1]

I guess I'm dense here, but how would you force such a thing? Did you hog-tie her to get her there?

Dad to Son: "You're going with us to Disneyworld next month. Get your bags packed."

Son to Dad: "I'm not going."

Dad to Son: "Then I will stop paying your college tuition."

Son to Dad: "Fine I'll go. I hate you."

 

[shortbun]

I stopped vacationing with my parents when I was 15. I had jobs every summer and I had a social life I didn't want to skip. I stayed with my best friend's family. Another child was not a big deal to them; they had 5, all girls and couldn't afford to go on vacation, so I was safe, lol! My parents never tried to make me go either. I could land either way about wether I thought this was all good or not but I certainly question the advisability of forcing a 22yo to go on a family vacation.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

Like trying to teach the pig to dance - won't work and it will just annoy the pig.

 

[Coconut36]

I don't know why anyone would try to FORCE their adult offspring to vacation with them. It's one thing if they want to, or they've got kids and want the kids and grandparents to experience Disney together. But to just force a random college student to vacation with his or her parents? Why? Extend the invitation, and if they decline, so be it.

I agree. I can't imagine any decent parent that would try to force a vacation on their adult children and would think they would likely be very manipulative to do it (because really..what leverage does one have with their adult children?). By all means it is nice if parents say "hey we are going and would love for you to join us" but they have to understand the children may decline for any number of reasons and they don't have to justify it to the parents.

 

[Imzadi]

Dad to Son: "You're going with us to Disneyworld next month. Get your bags packed."

Son to Dad: "I'm not going."

Dad to Son: "Then I will stop paying your college tuition."

Son to Dad: "Fine I'll go. I hate you."

Sounds like this is how it went. Especially as that OP made sure to mention in her post that her DD was suppose to go off to college but during the trip said she was dropping out. If the price to pay for tuition is having a parent dictate orders & ultimatums for the whole 4 years, that is too high a price.

I would think the bitterness that the parent also mentioned was about a lot more than just a plane ticket to DL.

 

[Hannathy]

The Parent can dictate and put any condition on their adult child they wish, ie tuition paid-no dating or tuition paid go on vacation with parent

However

The ADULT child can choose to accept the conditions or be an adult and walk away and be independent.

 

[EMom]

Sounds like this is how it went. Especially as that OP made sure to mention in her post that her DD was suppose to go off to college but during the trip said she was dropping out. If the price to pay for tuition is having a parent dictate orders & ultimatums for the whole 4 years, that is too high a price.

I would think the bitterness that the parent also mentioned was about a lot more than just a plane ticket to DL.

Did you pay your own way through college? I did. I supported myself since I was a teen. If my parents had been in a position to pay for my education and as a condition, dictated certain orders and issued certain ultimatums, I would not have necessarily thought that too high a price to pay for a paid-for college education. It would have depended on what their conditions were. Money often comes with strings. And money for college is a LOT of money. It might come with substantial strings.

I promise you, supporting yourself from an early age and paying for your own college is not a lot of fun. The constant worry about having to drop out (even if it's temporary) because you cannot afford to pay for college AND a place to live and food to eat is enough to wear you down. If I had been required to accompany my parents on the occasional vacation as a condition of paid tuition, etc., I would have packed my bags and shut up. If they had taken me camping, which to me is hell on earth, I would have gone and smiled politely.

I am not saying strong arming this girl into going to DLR with the family was a bright idea. I am saying that her college education may not have meant THAT much to her if she dropped out so readily. A trip to DLR may not have been her dream, but as a tradeoff for free college? Easy decision.

Now once you are out and on your own, paying your own way, then the parents have no such leverage.

 

[EvoldicA]

I'm against forcing anyone to do what they really don't want to do.. Vacation, Religion, Sexual Preference... Let people be themselves without forcing your world on them!

~Bill

 

[NHdisneylover]

It sounds, from that little snippet, like the parents were very much out of line. Trying to manipulate an adult into vacationing with you is not nice, to say the least.
Since the poster themselves used the word force odds are that there were threats of things like no more college tuition, or at the very least a lot of guilt tripping going on.

The 22 year old was somewhat in the wrong to in that she DID allow them to "force" her to go and then regretted it and caused trouble. However, I can give a 22 year old a pass on not having the backbone to stand up to manipulative parents as quickly as she should have much more easily than I can give a pass to parents who think they have any right to control simple things like vacations in their adult children's lives.

 

[Imzadi]

Did you pay your own way through college? I did. I supported myself since I was a teen. If my parents had been in a position to pay for my education and as a condition, dictated certain orders and issued certain ultimatums, I would not have necessarily thought that too high a price to pay for a paid-for college education. It would have depended on what their conditions were. Money often comes with strings. And money for college is a LOT of money. It might come with substantial strings.

I promise you, supporting yourself from an early age and paying for your own college is not a lot of fun. The constant worry about having to drop out (even if it's temporary) because you cannot afford to pay for college AND a place to live and food to eat is enough to wear you down. If I had been required to accompany my parents on the occasional vacation as a condition of paid tuition, etc., I would have packed my bags and shut up. If they had taken me camping, which to me is hell on earth, I would have gone and smiled politely.

I am not saying strong arming this girl into going to DLR with the family was a bright idea. I am saying that her college education may not have meant THAT much to her if she dropped out so readily. A trip to DLR may not have been her dream, but as a tradeoff for free college? Easy decision.

Now once you are out and on your own, paying your own way, then the parents have no such leverage.

I got a partial scholarship to NYU and my parents paid the rest. It was quite a lot and I have been very grateful to them. I could have picked a cheaper school, but NYU was always my first choice and they did not try to persuade me elsewhere. Nor did they also did not have such ultimatums about the tuition.

I think there has been possibly more than ONE ultimatum. That it is indicative of a whole pattern. People rarely do ONE dictate. Which is why the DD had had enough of them dictating her whole life, and the bitterness on the part of the parents. As you said, most people can suck it up 7 days for one trip and keep their mouth shut.

But, vacations tend to be a crucible. Where everyone & everything is squashed down into a tiny area, spending way too many hours together, and even the slightest annoyances get magnified. Sounds like this could have been the straw that broke the camel for the DD. She may have already been seeing that "not-so-good boyfriend" as a rebellion to all the dictates. But, we really don't know enough to know what the dynamics are and what pattern the parents & the DD were engaged in.

 

[Imzadi]

It sounds, from that little snippet, like the parents were very much out of line. Trying to manipulate an adult into vacationing with you is not nice, to say the least.
Since the poster themselves used the word force odds are that there were threats of things like no more college tuition, or at the very least a lot of guilt tripping going on.

The 22 year old was somewhat in the wrong to in that she DID allow them to "force" her to go and then regretted it and caused trouble. However, I can give a 22 year old a pass on not having the backbone to stand up to manipulative parents as quickly as she should have much more easily than I can give a pass to parents who think they have any right to control simple things like vacations in their adult children's lives.

Good point. The parent, herself, admitted they forced the DD to go.

 

[PaulaSB12]

The Parent can dictate and put any condition on their adult child they wish, ie tuition paid-no dating or tuition paid go on vacation with parent

However

The ADULT child can choose to accept the conditions or be an adult and walk away and be independent.

Then paying for tuition is just a way for a controlling person to say I chose your life for you no dating for a collage student? For real. You are supposed to raise children to be successful adults they are not toys for you to play mind games with. ValpoCory could you put a link for the original post so we can see what was being said?

 

[Imzadi]

Then paying for tuition is just a way for a controlling person to say I chose your life for you no dating for a collage student? For real. You are supposed to raise children to be successful adults they are not toys for you to play mind games with. ValpoCory could you put a link for the original post so we can see what was being said?

Tip: You can click on the little blue arrow to the right of the poster's name in the quoted text. The parent's post starts here:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?p=44680038#post44680038


For context within the whole thread, this link is the start of the whole thread:
http://www.disboards.com/showpost.php?p=44677319