Should I say something or not? (long vent)

[AprilShowers]

A little background: DD(12) has always HATED art class. She's not the artsy kind of kid. She never colored, or liked to finger paint, etc. And to be perfectly honest, she's never been very good at it either. She knows this and has repeated it to me over the years. "Mom, I'm just not any good at art!"
Usually I tell her that everybody's idea of art is different and just because hers doesn't look like everyone elses doesn't mean it's bad art. I do however always let her know that I understand that she doesn't like it, but she needs to try her hardest in art class.
Yesterday, she tells me they are making clay fish in art class. Hers and about 6 others blew up in the kiln so they needed to make new ones.
The day she was making her new one, the others were painting theirs already. Soooo she decided to make a flat fish so it wouldn't have air bubbles in it and not blow up again. She made a stingray. (we just got back from Sea World)
Now this is her story and I haven't talked to the teacher. I am quite aware that kids sometimes exaggerate what happened to make parents feel sorry for them.
BUT she swears the teacher said this: When she brought the fish to the teacher the teacher said: "That's not even worth putting in the kiln."
Now to say this to any kid isn't right, but to my DD (who already hates art and thinks she's terrible at it) well, that's just over the top for me.

I questioned DD extensively about whether she was being disruptive in class, or if she made a terrible looking fish on purpose to get a reaction out of the teacher. She SWEARS she took almost the whole class time to make a nice looking fish. She said "Mom, one kid made a DONUT fish! and she didn't say anything to him, there isn't even such a thing as a donut fish!!"

She was really crushed, took her stingray, smashed it and made (in her words) a crappy looking regular fish in the little time she had left in class. She tells me she doesn't even want to paint the fish because she's embarrased by how it turned out.
Would you talk to the teacher about this, or let it go?

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd ask her about it, in a nice way.

There are always 3 sides to every story...yours, mine and the truth.

Perhaps the art teacher is frustrated at your DD's lack of enthusiasm for art and figured that the stingray was a cop-out?

Teachers are human too. you know.

 

[VSL]

I would definitely ask the teacher about it (but in a nice, non-confrontational kind of way).

 

[ckay87]

I think middle school teachers can be harsh. To be fair, they deal with a lot of *junk* with kids this age. DS (13) gets all kinds of negative comments and I hear about them. I think boys get it even more, but that's a whole 'nother thread. The worst is his scout leader who - to be honest - just doesn't like him and is always saying crappy things to him.

I still haven't intervened. I tell him "people can be jerks sometimes" and I just listen. And he still takes my hugs.

Because people can be jerks sometimes and teachers are people.

 

[C.Ann]

I would very nicely ask the teacher about it.. Quite frankly, I think it was very creative for your DD to realize that a "flat" fish would be less likely to explode in the kiln and then think of an appropriate "flat" fish to make for the project..Because she used such creative thinking, I would definitely have to find out just how this situation went down..

Just remember - "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.."

Oh - and please let us know the outcome!!

****Pretty creative thinking for a child who feels she's "no good" at art!

 

[laurajetter]

I'd ask her about it, in a nice way.

There are always 3 sides to every story...yours, mine and the truth.

Perhaps the art teacher is frustrated at your DD's lack of enthusiasm for art and figured that the stingray was a cop-out?

Teachers are human too. you know.

I agree that perhaps after seeing the flat stingray, the teacher thought it was a cop-out attempt by your daughter; that maybe she wasn't putting forth the effort to do her best. I don't think she should've made a comment like that, especially knowing your daughter's side of it, that she did put a lot of effort into it, she's never had a knack for art, etc.

I think you should talk to the teacher, very nicely, and just say you're curious about why she made the comment; what was she trying to imply? Then I would explain to her, matter-of-factly, just what you explained to us, about her lack of ability, even when she tries her best. This is not to give an 'excuse' or 'free pass' to do bad work, but just to make the teacher realize she isn't trying to just cop-out.

I would explain the whole thing of how she worked the entire time on that stingray, doing her best, and that without realizing it, her (the teacher) comment really made her feel bad, and even more opposed to doing art.

Maybe she didn't realize this, will use better discretion with her commentary in the future, and perhaps even try to encourage your DD more than usual to help her enjoy art better since she now knows her background.

Laura

 

[andromedaslove]

I am sorry but I would definately say something. When I was 15 years old, a freshman in high school, I was the manager of the Varsity and Junior Varsity Football team for our school. Which automatically meant I was the manager of the weight lifting team. During a weight lifting meet I was adding up all the boys scores, with all of the guys over my shoulder asking me to tell them what they got, and I told them that they would have to wait until i was done and that I couldn't concentrate with all of them pestering me. My Biology teacher, one of the weight lifting/football coaches, over heard me and told me that anyone that "stupid" shouldn't be in his Biology class!! I was shocked, but I kept my mouth shut, until later when my hurt from what he had said got the best of me. Later he asked me to grab him a drink from the concession stand, and I turned around and told him, "sorry I am too stupid and I need to finish adding these numbers up so you can go get it yourself!"
Probably not the most appropriate thing to say, but his comment had hurt very much, and that was my teenage way of lashing out. The next day in Biology he called me to the front of the class and told me that if I ever spoke to him like that again that he would have me removed from the team, and I responded in turn that if he ever called me stupid again because I was just having a hard time concentrating with a bunch of teenage boys aggravating me that I would go to the school board. That ended our problem.

Anyway, my point in telling you about this is that, here I sit 11 years later, and just the thought of that teacher treating me the way he did still makes me so angry. No child should EVER be put down by a teacher. Luckily, or unluckily depending on your view, I was always a very confident kid and had no problem standing up for myself regardless of wether it was to another kid or to an adult.If your child will not or can not stand up for herself in this situation then I think you need to do something. First off, she needs to know that it is NEVER ok for a teacher to treat her badly. Secondly, the teacher needs to know that it is NEVER ok to put a child down.

Dana

 

[Patch'sD]

I have always felt that most of the Specials teachers were, how do you say, High Strung. They feel that their classes are the most important. I still remember the 1st Grade Art Teacher telling me that my son had no artistic talent, My reply, "Art really doen't matter much to us, so no big deal." Never had to deal with her again.

I would discuss the comment with the teacher, be on the offensive. My daughter is doing the best she can. How could he allow objects in the Klin that would blow up, wasn't there a danager to the children and the taxpayers equipment. Put him in a defensive position.

 

[CarolA]

I feel sorry for your daughter. I hated art classes. One of the advantages of being in the band was that you got that instead of art.

Sorry she is going thru this!

 

[Hannathy]

Is this your first child in middle school? I ask because middle and up is a totally different ballpark than elementary. Before you speak to the teacher I would make sure your daughter wants you to. At this age they usually don't want their teachers to think they are babies and have to have their parents stick up for them.

I agree with the posters about teachers are human and not being there could the teacher have been being sarcastic or joking and your DD did not take it that way.(being insecure already about her project) Was it too small for the kiln? Maybe she had a reason for saying it. I also agree that special teachers feel ther subject is the most important! I'm sorry your DD had her feelings hurt but maybe the teacher was having a really bad day and alot of kids were making really bad fish!

Just remind your DD that Walt Disney's teacher called him unimaginative.

 

[hpygrll]

I'm probably not going to say anything new but I have to put in my two cents. I would definitely talk to the Art Teacher. I had the same issue when I was in elementary school - I hated art because I wasn't good at it and the teacher made me feel stupid. I used to get so worked up over art class. My parents finally went and talked to her and very nicely told her to lay off.

Jenny

 

[andromedaslove]

maybe it's just me.... but I find it a tad bit disturbing that everyone is making excuses for the teachers. Either the teachers were having a bad day, they are human after all, or that teachers can be jreks just like everyone else. None of that excuses the fact that the teacher made the child feel badly about herself and/or her work. There are people out there that are jerks, and some teachers can be jerks too, but that doesn't mean it has to be accepted and just dealt with. I know that everyone makes mistakes and everyone gets stressed, even myself. However, if I have said something hurtful to one of my kids I apologize and let them know that it wasn't their fault and that I shouldn't have said what I did. How come the teachers aren't held to the same standards? Their job is to educate my children, not to put them down.

 

[C.Ann]

I know that everyone makes mistakes and everyone gets stressed, even myself. However, if I have said something hurtful to one of my kids I apologize and let them know that it wasn't their fault and that I shouldn't have said what I did. How come the teachers aren't held to the same standards? Their job is to educate my children, not to put them down.

---------------------------------

If in fact the story is exactly as the OP's DD has said, then I'm with you 100%.. No "free pass" for having a bad day and an apology would be in order..

 

[AprilShowers]

A few clarifications: she's not in middle school, she goes to a small Catholic elementary school. They are all together in one school, K-8.
The art teacher is a very nice woman, but probably thinks Lexi "blows off" art class.
DD asked me if I was going to speak to the teacher, I told her I didn't know. I don't think I'll tell DD if I do or not. I don't want DD to think that every time someone says something not-nice to her that Mommy will come to the rescue.
This just stuck in my craw because she's pretty sensitive about her inability in art, and probably hates art class because of that.
I also think that if the teacher knew we were just in Sea World FEEDING the darned sting-rays for crying out loud, then she might have found it acceptable. The other thing DD said was she spent time putting eyes, lips and a tail on her stingray. (we know they don't have lips, but they were supposed to be kind of whimsical - remember the donut fish?)

Thanks so much for all your replies. I think I will send a nicely worded note to the teacher asking her for an explanation. And explaining how DD felt with her comment. I know that as adults we say some harsh things not realizing how it sounds to a child. I in no way think she MEANT to be cruel. I also think that if I said something like that I would want to know that I hurt someone else's feelings.

 

[kelleigh1]

This reminds me of 8th grade gym class. Now I'm not the most physically fit person and I'll be the first person to admit it. But I've always participated in class. Gymnastics was probably the worst for me, but I made the effort. One day, and I can't remember what led up to it, we're stretching out for gymnastics and we were going to be working on trying a few different elements this time. The teacher actually said to me "I don't know why you're stretching. It's not like you're going to do it anyway." The whole class was shocked and a few people mentioned that it was uncalled for - even the "popular girls". I just looked at her and said "guess I won't do anything then". And I sat through the whole class watching everyone else. But before we finished the gymnastics section of the class that year, I went and did the routine on the uneven bars that she didn't think I could do. It wasn't pretty, but I showed her that I wasn't afraid to try it, and the rest of the class actually cheered me on.

 

[ckay87]

And to expand on my "some people are jerks" thread, I'd even go so far as to suggest that gym teachers can be the kinds/queens of jerks in a middle school or high school! They tend to be the most vocal about the overweight kids "epidemic" and the first to put down the same kids when they try to participate in gym.

Our MS gym teacher can be very mean to the chunky boys. What a great way to encourage them to exercise

I'm cheering for those of you who conveyed stories of standing up to your mean teachers in school.

 

[luvflorida]

Just remind your DD that Walt Disney's teacher called him unimaginative.

And Lucille Ball's first acting teacher told her she wasn't funny and she'd never make it in Hollywood. haha! What is it with the negativity!?!

We had a similar thing happen this week to DD15. She had to present a project on Monday in her Sophomore Honors English class. Well, evidently it wasn't exactly what the teacher was looking for, so she stopped my daughter halfway through the presentation. The teacher then proceeded to tell my daughter, in front of the entire class, that there was no point in her continuing with the presentation because obviously she didn't understand the assignment and didn't complete it in an appropriate manner. My daughter said the teacher interrupted her in an abrupt and snippy way, and my daughter was very embarrassed. She was in tears by the end of the class.

When my daughter told me all this, I was furious to think that the teacher could be that insensitive to a student. Why couldn't she have waited and talked to my daughter AFTER class and in PRIVATE? I told my daughter to talk to her teacher first thing the next morning and see where she went wrong on the project.

I sent an e-mail that afternoon to the teacher, stating that my daughter had worked very hard on the project and that we didn't understand what happened. I told her that the worst part of the whole situation was that she had embarrassed my daughter in front of the entire class.

Within an hour, the teacher e-mailed back and apologized for the way she had handled the situation. She also said she didn't realize she had hurt my daughter's feelings would apologize to my daughter in the morning and talk to her about the project.

Come to find out, daughter had missed the explanation of the assignment because she had missed a few days of school due to having her wisdom teeth out. The teacher thought she had given the paper to my daughter and my daughter thought she was doing the correct assignment. It shouldn't have happened, and the teacher reacted badly, but she did apologize when we called her on it.

I don't think it ever hurts to contact a teacher when something like this happens.

 

[dizneegirl]

Any chance that what the teacher meant was that it would air-dry, and not need to be fired? And that your daughter took it completely the wrong way, as she was already a little distressed?

No excuses... but I know that I have (and sometimes still do) take things COMPLETELY the wrong way, especially if I'm already on edge.

If that's what the teacher said, and she meant that it was worthless as far as art goes... that's completely unacceptable. For any age group.

 

[AprilShowers]

Any chance that what the teacher meant was that it would air-dry, and not need to be fired? And that your daughter took it completely the wrong way, as she was already a little distressed?

This is why I questioned DD extensively about what exactly was said and how it was said. I know that things are lots of times taken out of context. I also told DD that next time she should ask the teacher what she meant by that. I told her it could very well have been a good reason for the comment, and it was just said "badly".
BUT when DD turned around and walked away from the teacher, crushed her fish and made something else, that should have been a clue to the teacher that what she said meant something entirely different to DD. (If in fact, she meant that it did not need to be kilned)

 

[Gillian]

I'm sorry your daughter had such a bad experience. I hope she can understand that it isn't her fault.

I wish that teachers could just understand how fragile kids are, at any age. I think most of us remember cruel comments made to us by teachers. A friend and I were comparing notes once, and found the same teacher made weight/eating comments to both of us at different times in 10th grade. 20 years later we are still steaming about it. And now that teacher is a guidance counselor!

There is a very mean classroom aide in my son's kindergarten class and it breaks my heart to hear her yelling at 6 year olds. And my son has complained that he gets yelled at for things that aren't his fault. I know he isn't perfect, but I (usually) know when he is telling the truth.