Should I pay for my college student?

[mummabear]

'Celebrating a high school graduation' would be going to the ceremony, a nice dinner, cake, party/event.

I see a Senior Trip as a gift for the graduate.

A gift that was extended to the younger sibling when the oldest graduated.

Well I took it they could afford the friend but the older DD would be stretching it due to having to pay more towards her college. I thought I read a post where she said she could put it on a card??

Even if they are saying they can really only afford 4, why do you think the friend should be higher on the priority list than the daughter?

 

[Nancyg56]

Well I took it they could afford the friend but the older DD would be stretching it due to having to pay more towards her college. I thought I read a post where she said she could put it on a card??

Are you suggesting that if you can only pay for a certain number of people, you have your own flesh and blood charge the trip and pay her own freight so youi can pay for a friend of another child?

I have been struggling with this thread because it does seem there is something else in play here, and it involves validating leaving the college child out of a family vacation. I am a parent. I know that there is a cutoff. I cannot understand the reasoning to cut off her older daughter that the OP has here though. You cut off a child who is away in school and you believe is suffering from depression, use her failing grades as the reason to leave her behind, indicate her spending is self medication, and then try to figure out how to increase her debt by having her pay her own way. That poor kid.

 

[jevs]

Yeah, I'd pay. And agree with the above ^

 

[goofy4tink]

I have a 23 y/o who isn't living up to expectations at the moment and has cost us more money than one can imagine! So, I get it, I truly do. Here's my take on it....and I haven't read past page 1 of this thread.
I would tell her now, today, what the situation is. I would tell her that the family is going on vacation, the same as they did for her. If she wants to go, then there are expectations that her grades will go up and she will contribute to the cost. Not a lot, but some. I would tell her that she will be expected to pay her airfare. Why? Because that's where you'll lose money if she doesn't end up going! She can be added to the room the day of arrival, her tickets can be purchased the same day. But airfare will be non-refundable! Put some responsibility on her. Tell her that as of right now, she should be committed to her studies, partying is all well and good, but she's in college for a reason. Then, If her grades, and attitude, are better by the time of the trip, she can sit at home. Give her exactly what you expect...a certain grade level, a certain amount of money saved. You could even just tell her that she needs a set amount for the flight, then take that money and put it aside for her, if she's meeting expectations.
It's tough, I get it. But, I have a child who is just drifting along, expecting mom and dad to bail her out if something happens. And that's not good. A bit of tough love now may prevent further down slides!!! I wish someone had told me this a few years ago!!

 

[CarolAnn856]

'Celebrating a high school graduation' would be going to the ceremony, a nice dinner, cake, party/event.

I see a Senior Trip as a gift for the graduate.

And that is what works for you. For other families, celebrations take different forms.

 

[goofy4tink]

And that is what works for you. For other families, celebrations take different forms.

Have to agree. We took dd to DL, with her boyfriend, after college graduation. It was to celebrate the event. And we had a big party as well. Different things for each family.

 

[DawnM]

Funny, I just read a thread recently where older kids were resentful of family vacations after they left, where it didn't include them. BTW: These folks were now grown ups and still held some bitter feelings.

Does she have to be away at college? Can she go to school locally to get her grades up?

I would take her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Guilt....
Guilt....
Guilt....

If it works out for the older sibling, fine. I never said to specifically exclude an older sibling.

In fact, I have posted that we would def. consider, fully paid, bringing my grown DS and his SO on trips, one day in the near future!!!

Again, what I have posted is: "I see no absolute mandate to include a 21 year old adult".
Apparently, at the very beginning of the tread, the OP had mentioned that vacations for grown adults had not been in her expectations.
And, while I don't agree with this for younger young-adults. (18-19-20) Like others have said... Different ways for different families. (that road goes BOTH ways, people)

This is the other siblings senior trip. Not 'The Family Christmas'.

Hey, I am okay either way!
Maybe they can work things out and everyone can go..
But, heck would freeze over before I would tell the younger sibling that they weren't getting their Sr. Trip with their friend to accommodate a 21 year old adult.
That is the one option that would not be on my list, at all, ever.
That would not be okay with me, personally.

Another thing that is not okay with me, personally, is judging and 'guilting' other women/parents who do not do exactly as I would.

OP... I hope in the coming months you all can work out what is best for you!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Funny, I just read a thread recently where older kids were resentful of family vacations after they left, where it didn't include them. BTW: These folks were now grown ups and still held some bitter feelings.

I don't know if in some of those cases these feelings are justified.
But, just in general.... My thoughts... These now mature grown adults should grow up and lose any sense of entitlement.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I don't know if in some of those cases these feelings are justified.
But, just in general.... My thoughts... These now mature grown adults should grow up and lose any sense of entitlement.

Whether they're justified or not is irrelevant. What matters is they exist and will have to be dealt with if any sort of relationship is wanted.

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, maybe one should provide everything... WDW trips, etc... and pay to include them in everything like this, well into adulthood/forever... lest poor snowflakes 'have issues'?

Is that how it is being suggested to deal with it?

My point is/was...
Perhaps there are a lot of underlying problems. And that could be very valid.
But to suggest such resentment and 'issues' because of a trip.
Not buying that.

 

[DawnM]

I don't know if in some of those cases these feelings are justified.
But, just in general.... My thoughts... These now mature grown adults should grow up and lose any sense of entitlement.

Oh please. Just because someone feels that they were slighted doesn't mean they have an entitled attitude.

Sometimes they WERE slighted and didn't get a fair shake.

I could def. see the OP's older daughter feeling this is tied to her grades and her mother's disappointment. Personally, I feel that the "punishment needs to fit the crime." Don't do well at the expensive school? Then you need to go to the CC or cheaper school until you can get your grades up. But "you don't get to go on vacation with us" wouldn't be on my list of punishments.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

So, maybe one should provide everything... WDW trips, etc... and pay to include them in everything like this, well into adulthood/forever... lest poor snowflakes 'have issues'?

Is that how it is being suggested to deal with it?

My point is/was...
Perhaps there are a lot of underlying problems. And that could be very valid.
But to suggest such resentment and 'issues' because of a trip.
Not buying that.

Lucky for you then as you aren't those people expressing those issues. You don't have to buy it as it isn't your issue. But perhaps understand that for those people it can be an issue.

*By the way I really don't think even bringing up the term snowflakes helps at all*

 

[DawnM]

So, maybe one should provide everything... WDW trips, etc... and pay to include them in everything like this, well into adulthood/forever... lest poor snowflakes 'have issues'?

Is that how it is being suggested to deal with it?

My point is/was...
Perhaps there are a lot of underlying problems. And that could be very valid.
But to suggest such resentment and 'issues' because of a trip.
Not buying that.

Poor snowflake? I am so incredibly SICK of seeing this when someone doesn't agree with someone's parenting choices. It is a cop out.

We don't know of any underlying issues. We can ONLY go by what the OP told us is happening.

Don't buy whatever you don't want to buy. Don't provide anything for your kids, heck, kick them out the day they turn 18, but don't expect everyone to agree with you when you use words like "entitled" and "snowflake."

 

[Disney_traveler]

There was a thread a while back (not sure if it was when I was in lurkdom or a poster) and it was about a Mom giving a daughter about the same age money and not wanting repayment. Then when the daughter did unexpectedly give some money back, the Mom wanted to ask for the rest. There was also something about Mom not being happy about what the money was spent on.

I remember the general consensus on that board being (and I'm not exaggerating) about when they are 18 they are out on their own, all bills transferred to kids, no trips, only come home to visit, if you do move home you will be paying rent and bills and groceries.

I just mention all this because it is so different from this thread.

 

[runwad]

Are you suggesting that if you can only pay for a certain number of people, you have your own flesh and blood charge the trip and pay her own freight so youi can pay for a friend of another child?

Yep because as I see it this is the Younger DD's trip and the older dd would be coming along for the ride. I know in my family dynamic if this was my situation and I could only pay for 4 and I gave younger dd a choice of guest, at this stage of their life ,she'd pick her friend over her sister. She'd feel slighted if older sister got to bring a friend on her senior trip and she couldn't.

I only have so much money and it is what it is. I've always had limited funds and we always had to choose this or that, so in my family, our kids understand that. Hopefully they'll have the funds to do different with their own families if they didn't like the way we did things. But we do the best we can with what we have. That's the way we roll. Everyone does their own thing that's why you live in your house and I live in my house. Peace.

 

[DawnM]

There was a thread a while back (not sure if it was when I was in lurkdom or a poster) and it was about a Mom giving a daughter about the same age money and not wanting repayment. Then when the daughter did unexpectedly give some money back, the Mom wanted to ask for the rest. There was also something about Mom not being happy about what the money was spent on.

I remember the general consensus on that board being (and I'm not exaggerating) about when they are 18 they are out on their own, all bills transferred to kids, no trips, only come home to visit, if you do move home you will be paying rent and bills and groceries.

I just mention all this because it is so different from this thread.

I would be interested in seeing that thread. I can assure you this has never been my view (highlighted portion).

Do you remember what the money was being spent on? I do have conditions on what I will give money for.

OF course there are situations/scenarios where this needs to be the case, but for our family, as long as you are wiling to abide by OUR rules in our house, you can stay and be part of the family. If you have your career established, you will be expected to contribute to vacations, etc.......

 

[verleniahall]

paying for a 20yr old? Heck No

If her grades are that bad, she may be requrired to take summer classes to be able to attend in the fall

At 20, I was married, working a job, and learning how to navigate the politics of a military base

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

paying for a 20yr old? Heck No

If her grades are that bad, she may be requrired to take summer classes to be able to attend in the fall

At 20, I was married, working a job, and learning how to navigate the politics of a military base

At 20 I had been paying for my own college education for 2 years at that point (I was also in a relationship though we had only met under a year before) and had been working for years, paid for my own car too as well as car insurance and car tags, etc.

But in this situation such that the OP described to me it's less about age and more about the whole picture-bringing up this and that finding all sorts of reasons of why not to take eldest daughter as well as the family dynamic and how the eldest daughter's trip was.

And I'm one of those people who more believes in being independent as you get older. However, this is one where I'm not even considering such a simplistic thought of age=pay or no paying. Just my opinion of course.

 

[Skywalker]

Then I feel like that isn't fair to my youngest. Unless I pay for her to go on one when she is 20.

My only problem with that is my oldest received the same trip when she graduated 2 years ago and was able to bring a friend whom we paid for. It wouldn't be fair to my youngest if she didn't receive the same thing.

No but it would definitely create hard feelings between my 2 daughters. The oldest received the same trip when she graduated 2 years ago and was able to bring a friend. My youngest would feel slighted if she didn't get to bring a friend.

I see lots of focus on being fair to your youngest, but what about your older daughter? Is it fair her sister went on her trip but she can't go on her sister's? Is it "fair" that your younger daughter lives with both her mother and father, while your oldest has divorced parents for example? I'm sure your oldest has had to go through many changes and emotions that your youngest hasn't had to deal with. Things will never be fair since we all have different roads.

I also really wonder about your husband. Is he encouraging to take the friend over your other daughter? I hope is both wise and kind enough to be pushing for his step-daughter.