Should I not be upset?

[LittlePinkDot]

I would tell him that I already made plans, but we can have family time after. . .or get a babysitter and plan a date.

Well, at least you would communicate that with him. It seems like the OP's husband gave her the run around. Left and didn't make his plans clear.

Personally, I plan my nights out with my girlfriends weeks in advanced. Our schedules are all over the place, so that is how we have to do it.

My weekends, for the most part, are dedicated to my family. We are active and enjoy hiking and biking together. My weekend nights are dedicated to my husband. Concert, movie, dinner, even a nice hotel, etc.

I think I would be in total disbelief if my husband ran out the door without discussing what the next few hours held for him. I would give him the same respect.

 

[declansdad]

Well, at least you would communicate that with him. It seems like the OP's husband gave her the run around. Left and didn't make his plans clear.

Personally, I plan my nights out with my girlfriends weeks in advanced. Our schedules are all over the place, so that is how we have to do it.

My weekends, for the most part, are dedicated to my family. We are active and enjoy hiking and biking together. My weekend nights are dedicated to my husband. Concert, movie, dinner, even a nice hotel, etc.

I think I would be in total disbelief if my husband ran out the door without discussing what the next few hours held for him. I would give him the same respect.

Or the OP gave us a version that made her look like the poor victim.

Or he did ditch her because she never leaves him alone.

Or we don't know what is really going on.

My vote is number three.

 

[ccgirl]

Well, at least you would communicate that with him. It seems like the OP's husband gave her the run around. Left and didn't make his plans clear.

Personally, I plan my nights out with my girlfriends weeks in advanced. Our schedules are all over the place, so that is how we have to do it.

My weekends, for the most part, are dedicated to my family. We are active and enjoy hiking and biking together. My weekend nights are dedicated to my husband. Concert, movie, dinner, even a nice hotel, etc.

I think I would be in total disbelief if my husband ran out the door without discussing what the next few hours held for him. I would give him the same respect.

I thought he did mention that he was going to the barber. THe OP said her and her DS would go with him and he said that was ok, he was going with his buddy. WHat if your DH said he and your child would go with you to see your friends?

 

[C.Ann]

Since you spend 80% of your time at a remote lake , how do you know this?.[/B]

Well it may be remote up here, but there is a barber shop one town over.. Some guys use it (Tuesday through Sunday) rather than just having a beaver chew off their hair..

Dang !! You are being quite rude to C. Ann. What does living at a a lake have to do with knowing anything about Barbers ? My DH's and DS's Barber is open on Mondays.

Not to worry.. Every chance she (and her sidekicks) get, they quote me and respond with drivel.. They type, I yawn - when I'm not laughing (sometimes I just can't help it..) I try to make allowances though.. I figure they may have wandered over here from the teen board..

As to the real reason for this thread: Has the OP come back - or is she busy filing for a divorce - based on the evidence the DIS detectives have uncovered that clearly indicates (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that her DH is having an affair?

 

[disykat]

A parent doesn't get to just disappear. There has to be discussion about who is doing what so that the kids get watched.

The only thing that justifies the dad thinking he could just be gone was the fact that he knew his wife had the day free because she'd mentioned wanting to spend it with him.

But wait, that means he knows she wanted to spend the day with him and that she's waiting ....

OP has the right to be mad. Even if he had actually communicated that he had other plans rather than pretending he needed to run out for a haircut, she has the right to be bothered that he preferred to spend the day elsewhere when their time together is limited.

DH and I both spend time apart doing things we want. However, we don't do it without regards for the needs/wishes of the other person.

 

[hambirg]

Or the OP gave us a version that made her look like the poor victim.

Or he did ditch her because she never leaves him alone.

Or we don't know what is really going on.

My vote is number three.

Or he wanted to go watch the game and have a few beers with his buddy instead of being told how his day was going to be planned.

Seriously, I was thinking if I wanted to go watch an early football game with some friends (I'm a big football fan, and my ex was not at all.) and he said, "No you have to miss the game and we are going to have family time." Family time meaning we go to his Mom's and help her move furniture, then (then thinking of something I have no interest in doing) go wonder around Home Depot and look at tools for a couple hours, and then go duck hunting. I would probably have to go to the barber shop for 3 1/2 hrs and not get a haircut too.

 

[aprilgail2]

T

If it were me, I'd be getting the name of the barber shop and giving them a quick phone call.

OMG- the day I had to resort to that is the day I would end that relationship! And if I ever found out someone did that to me that would be the end of that relationship too!

 

[ccgirl]

Or he wanted to go watch the game and have a few beers with his buddy instead of being told how his day was going to be planned.

Seriously, I was thinking if I wanted to go watch an early football game with some friends (I'm a big football fan, and my ex was not at all.) and he said, "No you have to miss the game and we are going to have family time." Family time meaning we go to his Mom's and help her move furniture, then (then thinking of something I have no interest in doing) go wonder around Home Depot and look at tools for a couple hours, and then go duck hunting. I would probably have to go to the barber shop for 3 1/2 hrs and not get a haircut too.

Stop that voice of reason!!!!! This is the exact same line of thinking I was taking. Again, it was 3 hours of 24...they had 21 hours to spend together. And, this was only one day that week. Did they see each other the other 6 nights as well? This reminds me of an obsessed high schooler for some reason. The OP still hadn't asked if she had an actual discussion with her DH or if she just told him what he would be doing that day?? How many hours a day do they work???

 

[LIDisneyFan]

A parent doesn't get to just disappear. There has to be discussion about who is doing what so that the kids get watched.

The only thing that justifies the dad thinking he could just be gone was the fact that he knew his wife had the day free because she'd mentioned wanting to spend it with him.

But wait, that means he knows she wanted to spend the day with him and that she's waiting ....

OP has the right to be mad. Even if he had actually communicated that he had other plans rather than pretending he needed to run out for a haircut, she has the right to be bothered that he preferred to spend the day elsewhere when their time together is limited.

DH and I both spend time apart doing things we want. However, we don't do it without regards for the needs/wishes of the other person.

So, when she said she "told" him they had to pick up the recliner and stools last Wednesday, that shows regard for his wishes?

Right.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

I don't get how the wife wanting to spend the day with both the dh and son, especially since it's something they seem to rarely get to do, is too much to ask. The thoughts of the husband retaliating because he was "being told what to do" wow me. Thirteen year old mentality old much? wahwahwah, the horror of spending the day as a family.

The woman said to the dh it would be nice to spend the day together, if he had a problem with that then he should have manned up and said so, not leave the son and wife hanging while he went for the world's longest haircut with his buddy.

Real men don't ditch family day for a hair cut with the pals. Not just off the cuff like that, there's something wrong OP. Don't know what, but what he did is NOT normal husband/father behavior.

 

[LittlePinkDot]

I thought he did mention that he was going to the barber. THe OP said her and her DS would go with him and he said that was ok, he was going with his buddy. WHat if your DH said he and your child would go with you to see your friends?

I would say: Oh. That’s right. You did want to spend time with me, since this is the only day we have off together. Besides, I get to spend EVERY Sunday with my buddy. Let me call and cancel with him. You and son can walk around the mall while I get my hair done and then we will spend that long awaited family day together. You and Son are more imporant than Buddy. I love to spend time with you.

Although, I am NOT up for moving your father’s chair today

 

[LIDisneyFan]

I don't get how the wife wanting to spend the day with both the dh and son, especially since it's something they seem to rarely get to do, is too much to ask. The thoughts of the husband retaliating because he was "being told what to do" wow me. Thirteen year old mentality old much? wahwahwah, the horror of spending the day as a family.

The woman said to the dh it would be nice to spend the day together, if he had a problem with that then he should have manned up and said so, not leave the son and wife hanging while he went for the world's longest haircut with his buddy.

Real men don't ditch family day for a hair cut with the pals. Not just off the cuff like that, there's something wrong OP. Don't know what, but what he did is NOT normal husband/father behavior.

I didn't say it was retaliation - what I said was the the PP said that you repect each other needs/desires - and this apparently (in THIS forum) only goes one way.

 

[YodaGirl]

The OP told her husband that she wanted to spend time as a family. That was the time for him to say that he had other plans.

When the OP told her husband that they needed to move the chair, that was the time to tell her he couldn't/didn't want to/had other plans.

Quite frankly, when we have free time, it's spent as a family. We may or may not have others with us, but DH and I do not do things separately out of choice. There is no one else I would rather spend my time with, and the same goes for him.

As for the argument that she should just trust him...
I'm all for trysting someone until they give me reason not to. The fact that he was gone for 3.5 hours and still didn't get his haircut, makes me think that he's lying.

Is he having an affair? Did he choose his buddy over his wife? Did he want guy time? Did he want to get away from a nagging wife? We don't know, but the story he told just doesn't make sense. He more than likely has lied, which means that the OP has every reason to be mad. Even if he didn't lie, I'd be ticked if DH went for a haircut, was gone for 3.5 hours, and still came home without one.

Maybe she's a nagging wife, maybe she's not. Even if she is, he's still in the wrong for lying. Does anyone really think that his story sounds remotely legit?

Unless there was only one vehicle between the OP's family and the buddy, and it was a standard cab truck, there was no reason why the OP, OP's DS, OP's DH, and the buddy couldn't have all gone to the barber. The OP said that she didn't care what they did, as long as they did it together.

If the whole problem here is the hours of operation of the barber shop......Then the hours of operation of the barber shop is the least of the problems in this marriage.

The fact that the OP is unaware of a place in the area that is open, plus the fact that he went and still didn't get his haircut makes his story sound fishy.

I'd want to know right off the bat if they are open on Sundays. Around here, salons and barber shops are not usually open on that day.

If that question passes the test, I'd want to know if 90 min.+ waits are normal at that place.

If his story about getting a haircut turns out to be true (which I REALLY don't think it is... which is why I'd double check on the basics), she could at least dismiss the idea of an affair and then try to find out what it is about her that causes DH to not want to spend any time with her. Hopefully he can be honest without fear of judgment or anger... and OP can see if there are things in her attitude/personality that can be changed so that he does want to spend time with her.

 

[Scurvy]

I didn't say it was retaliation - what I said was the the PP said that you repect each other needs/desires - and this apparently (in THIS forum) only goes one way.

But in this particular case, it doesn't appear that the OP was given the chance to respect her husband's desires because he apparently didn't bother to tell her what he wanted to do. If he had told her that he didn't want to do what she was planning, it's quite possible that she would have respected that and they could have worked out a compromise that would have made them both happy.

 

[hambirg]

I don't get how the wife wanting to spend the day with both the dh and son, especially since it's something they seem to rarely get to do, is too much to ask. The thoughts of the husband retaliating because he was "being told what to do" wow me. Thirteen year old mentality old much? wahwahwah, the horror of spending the day as a family.

The woman said to the dh it would be nice to spend the day together, if he had a problem with that then he should have manned up and said so, not leave the son and wife hanging while he went for the world's longest haircut with his buddy.

Real men don't ditch family day for a hair cut with the pals. Not just off the cuff like that, there's something wrong OP. Don't know what, but what he did is NOT normal husband/father behavior.

Yes, as an adult, grown man he should be able to tell his wife that he has other plans. BUT I would bet my last dollar that he has "learned" that doing that only leads to a big fight, some nagging, heck maybe even the silent treatment. So instead he felt compelled too lie. And I can't say that I really blame him. Why shouldn't a grown man be able to tell his wife that he doesn't want to do what she's planned? Where is the compromise there?

I suspect this has a LOT more to do with the wife's behavior than his.

 

[hambirg]

But in this particular case, it doesn't appear that the OP was given the chance to respect her husband's desires because he apparently didn't bother to tell her what he wanted to do. If he had told her that he didn't want to do what she was planning, it's quite possible that she would have respected that and they could have worked out a compromise that would have made them both happy.

I have a feeling that the DH has learned through experience that that is not the case. Otherwise he would have told her.

 

[YodaGirl]

Yes, as an adult, grown man he should be able to tell his wife that he has other plans. BUT I would bet my last dollar that he has "learned" that doing that only leads to a big fight, some nagging, heck maybe even the silent treatment. So instead he felt compelled too lie. And I can't say that I really blame him. Why shouldn't a grown man be able to tell his wife that he doesn't want to do what she's planned? Where is the compromise there?

I suspect this has a LOT more to do with the wife's behavior than his.

Hmm...I don't know.

It's okay for the husband to lie if the wife is a nag?

As my mom and dad told my brother and I more times than I care to remember, two wrongs don't make a right.

 

[disykat]

So, when she said she "told" him they had to pick up the recliner and stools last Wednesday, that shows regard for his wishes?

Right.

We don't know that she "told" him the way you are implying. We do know she mentioned it to him and he didn't give any indication that he wasn't willing.

I would have no problem "telling" my husband my family needed a quick favor on our family day. He would have no problem "telling" me that he needed to get a haircut. We would both have a problem with one of us simply disappearing on a day we were anticipating was going to be a family day.

People are implying there's some sort of aggression going on with the OP "telling" her husband what to do. IMO, it's much more aggressive to say nothing and disappear. That way you get your way with absolutely no discussion.

 

[hambirg]

Hmm...I don't know.

It's okay for the husband to lie if the wife is a nag?

As my mom and dad told my brother and I more times than I care to remember, two wrongs don't make a right.

I'm not saying it's ok. . .just the psychology behind it. If you punish your child every time they don't get a 100% on a test so they start lying about their test scores to avoid that punishment, who's really to blame?

 

[YodaGirl]

I'm not saying it's ok. . .just the psychology behind it. If you punish your child every time they don't get a 100% on a test so they start lying about their test scores to avoid that punishment, who's really to blame?

I took that you saying that you don't blame him to mean that you were saying that it was okay.

He's a grown man. If he doesn't feel that he can tell the truth, then they have issues that they need to work on. The fact that he's lying means that they have an additional problem to work on.

Putting someone in a situation where they feel it is necessary to lie to avoid conflict is one issue, which would be the wife's fault (if in fact she is the nag that some assume her to be). She would be to blame for this.

Actually making the choice to lie to avoid conflict would be the husband's fault (assuming he did, in fact, lie). He would be to blame for this.