Should I make DD switch schools?

[Rock'n Robin]

We live in a competitive school district. As of first semester DD had a 3.58 and was ranked 105 out of 330 in 9th grade. Her grades are down to a 3.2 this quarter. Her accum will probably go down unless she totally aces her exams.
She does things like only turn in 1 page for a character sketch in drama because "I didn't know it had to be 2 pages". She says she studies and then gets Cs on government tests. She misses 10 points on a term paper because she forgets her outline. Even today she can't find any papers about subject-verb agreement, 40 points out of 150 on her final tomorrow in English. She wants to go to a friend's house to study it--right! And the extra credit she did for Spanish today--that I asked her this morning in the car, "do you have your extra credit" and she patted her backpack and said "right in here"--she left it on the steps.
I work in another district. She could go there for free. She would have no activities at all because I'm not commuting 15 miles each way more than once a day. She would go in with me at 7 and leave at 2:45. So cheerleading, being in the musical and show choir would be gone. Her only "extra" would be dance class one night a week. Other than that, all school. She wouldn't be able to socialize out there without transportation.
It seems as if all our threats, grounding, losing her phone, don't get through to her that she is not working up to her potential. Most of the local scholarships are limited to kids with a 3.5 cumulative and above and there is not much money for college due to our business failing 3 years ago. Maybe she won't think we're serioius until she is going to CC part time and working 2 jobs to pay for it?
I'm sure someone will slam me for "being too hard" on her, "you're lucky she has over a 3.0", etc. But her standardized test scores tell me she should be doing a whole lot better than she is and I am seriously considering switching her to my school where her socializing would not get in the way.
Robin M.

 

[Keli]

If you really think that your dd would put her heart into the school work when put in another school then I would do it. If she's a kid that struggles a little in school and these activities are just too time consuming to leave her enough study time then a move might work.
But usually when a hs student is doing poorly in classes for the reasons you've listed they are just a lazy student. And a lazy student will do poorly everywhere because they are lazy when it comes to school work.
I've found it's nearly always the bright to very bright students that fall into this catagory.
They get complacent in the early years of education because they can pull the grades with little work on projects and papers but it catches up to them in hs. Projects and papers are much more detailed and they take a lot of time for every student regardless of intellect.
And those bright students that were used to devoting an hour to a book report still want to devote an hour (or less) to a 10 page paper that should have had a couple of weeks of research done.
If your dd is a lazy student then I think moving her to a new school will cause a mountain of resentment and fairly little benefit to her grades.
In that case you'd be better off leaving her where she is and taking away extracurricular activities for temporary amounts of time to see if you can motivate her to work harder.
I feel like I wrote a book here, lol. I hope it helps give some clarification for you. As the parent of a lazy student I can tell you it's very, very, very frustrating.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No flames here.

I see that nobody else is posting, so I'll bite....

I see two very different issues here.

First, about the socializing and the commitment to earning top grades. I guess that it seems to me that she is gonna socialize and slack off on he work whether she is in 'drama' or 'show choir' or whatever. The truth of the matter is, you cannot completely control and isolate your child. You can give it a try. But, with teenaged girls, this socialization is everything, and I think I would have to question whether this was a good approach or not. How would this really end up affecting your DD emotionally and psychologically. Knowing her personality, could she possibly become resentful and rebel by simply withdrawing and ceasing to make any additional effort whatsoever??? The bottom line is, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It is up to your daughter to decide that she wants and needs to keep her act together. I am not so sure that you can force it on her.

Second, you mentioned that she is in a competitive school. There may be a big difference in expectations and with the make-up of the student body between the schools which would automatically result in a significantly higher GPA and her standing in the ratings (as in the 105 out of 330). But, it may be mistake to put such importance in these numbers alone. Remember, this can be a two edged sword. If your DD is indeed that intelligent, would she be learning and being challenged at the new school????? Where would she be learning the most, and where would she be the happiest??? Which school would be the best overall influence????

I guess what I am trying to say is that this is a more complex issue than simpy "restrict her so that is forced to excell".

Of course, nobody here knows what is best for you and your DD. You know what is best!

 

[freckles and boo]

What kind of a teen life is she going to have if all she does is go to school and come home? Kids need extra-curriculars on their "resumes" and friends in their lives as much as they need the grades. She is just finishing her freshman year, right? Is she really doomed to not getting a scholarship at this point in the game? Her grades don't suck and she might have executive dysfunctions if she truly can't get herself organized. There are strategies for dealing with this besides punishment.

 

[Nancy]

No flames here.

I see that nobody else is posting, so I'll bite....

I see two very different issues here.

First, about the socializing and the commitment to earning top grades. I guess that it seems to me that she is gonna socialize and slack off on he work whether she is in 'drama' or 'show choir' or whatever. The truth of the matter is, you cannot completely control and isolate your child. You can give it a try. But, with teenaged girls, this socialization is everything, and I think I would have to question whether this was a good approach or not. How would this really end up affecting your DD emotionally and psychologically. Knowing her personality, could she possibly become resentful and rebel by simply withdrawing and ceasing to make any additional effort whatsoever??? The bottom line is, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It is up to your daughter to decide that she wants and needs to keep her act together. I am not so sure that you can force it on her.

Second, you mentioned that she is in a competitive school. There may be a big difference in expectations and with the make-up of the student body between the schools which would automatically result in a significantly higher GPA and her standing in the ratings (as in the 105 out of 330). But, it may be mistake to put such importance in these numbers alone. Remember, this can be a two edged sword. If your DD is indeed that intelligent, would she be learning and being challenged at the new school????? Where would she be learning the most, and where would she be the happiest??? Which school would be the best overall influence????

I guess what I am trying to say is that this is a more complex issue than simpy "restrict her so that is forced to excell".

Of course, nobody here knows what is best for you and your DD. You know what is best!

That is pretty much what I was going to type, but since you said it so well, especially the part that I put in blue. I dealt with a teenage DD with depression and it is hard, she withdrew from school stuff, from family stuff, she stayed in her room and just sulked all the time. Counseling helped but even now she still gets into her funks and she is out of school and working now.

 

[Monte Cristo]

3.2 Cum and she'll be going to CC working 2 PT jobs to pay for it????

You know, when I was younger, I heard a lot from my parents about my potential and all that I could be. I did fine in HS and college, but never good enough for what my parents thought I could. I am IMHO, pretty succesful and my company views me as one of their top people....I have promised myself that I would support my child in ways that my parents didn't support me.

I do think you are being hard on your daughter...but she's your child, who am I to criticize?If I were you, I would step back and ask myself again, is it in the childs best interest to strip all extras out of her life to spend all her time on school work. A well rounded, happy, educated, and well supported life is what I want for my daughter.

 

[crzyred]

i remember vividly being in 9th grade. for us here, that's the start of highschool (grades 9-12). i was lazy. i went from having a 4.0 in junior high to suddenly have a 3.2. i had extra curriculars and just had fun. finally during sophmore year i realized i needed to do some extra work to get my grades back up for college.

for me, i was more concerned with friends at that point. she still has a lot of time left at that school and she is trying to have a good group of friends. i wouldn't take that away from her. that group just may end up being what she needs to get herself back into gear.

 

[Acklander]

This is what I HATE about testing. Too much focus on numbers, class rankings etc....
Yeah, I guess you could have her just go to/from school with no social life but what will you accomplish? She moves up a few spots in the class rankings and hates her life. Are the numbers really that important to you?

 

[WDWMom]

We live in a competitive school district. As of first semester DD had a 3.58 and was ranked 105 out of 330 in 9th grade. Her grades are down to a 3.2 this quarter. Her accum will probably go down unless she totally aces her exams.
She does things like only turn in 1 page for a character sketch in drama because "I didn't know it had to be 2 pages". She says she studies and then gets Cs on government tests. She misses 10 points on a term paper because she forgets her outline. Even today she can't find any papers about subject-verb agreement, 40 points out of 150 on her final tomorrow in English. She wants to go to a friend's house to study it--right! And the extra credit she did for Spanish today--that I asked her this morning in the car, "do you have your extra credit" and she patted her backpack and said "right in here"--she left it on the steps.
I work in another district. She could go there for free. She would have no activities at all because I'm not commuting 15 miles each way more than once a day. She would go in with me at 7 and leave at 2:45. So cheerleading, being in the musical and show choir would be gone. Her only "extra" would be dance class one night a week. Other than that, all school. She wouldn't be able to socialize out there without transportation.
It seems as if all our threats, grounding, losing her phone, don't get through to her that she is not working up to her potential. Most of the local scholarships are limited to kids with a 3.5 cumulative and above and there is not much money for college due to our business failing 3 years ago. Maybe she won't think we're serioius until she is going to CC part time and working 2 jobs to pay for it?
I'm sure someone will slam me for "being too hard" on her, "you're lucky she has over a 3.0", etc. But her standardized test scores tell me she should be doing a whole lot better than she is and I am seriously considering switching her to my school where her socializing would not get in the way.
Robin M.

Do we share the same DD

We have been struggling with this for 4 years now. The classic line in our house is "I didn't know I had to turn it in!"

I have no help for you, just sympathy. DD starts her Junior year in the fall and I hope she gets it soon. Thankfully she still has a 3.5, but just barely.

 

[PlaneJoy1]

You won't commute 15 miles so that she can have a social life??? Come on - 15 miles is nothing!

If you are not willing to help her participate in at one or two activities at a new school, then no - I wouldn't move her. A 3.2 GPA is nothing to sneeze at. There are always student loans, jobs, and other ways of paying for college if thing don't turn around (which they often do at this age). Besides taking her away from all of these things would not make her a well rounded student.

Personally, I think you sound like a helicopter parent. She's old enough that if she forgets her work - she's responsible and no one else. She can read and follow directions. These are all life lessons that she must learn and its better to do it now than later in college or even a the work place where she could be fired.

I apologize for being harsh, but step back and look at the positive. I think you are upset about losing the family business (and rightfully so) and your projecting that to your DD. It's not her's to bear.

 

[Tybug]

Quite simply, I think the option you are throwing out there is way too hard on her. You'll only be asking for the resentment and rebellion that will surely follow.

Better than good grades and college is ultimately "her" decision. And while we all want the best for our kids there is no way that you can "make" them straight A students. Which by the GPA issues you described is exactly what you want from her. I'll be the first to say... 3.2...

If your daughter is a 3.2 - 3.5 student then that's what she is, you can yell, scream, ground and mover her until the cows come home but if that's all she wants to put into it... then it's you that needs to accept that. Oh, and they have these wonderful things called student loans that will help with the cost of college if she choses to go.

 

[druidia]

I know some people may find this a bigger deal than others, and it has been a while since I graduated from college, but what's the big deal about a scholarship? I always knew that my parents would never have a dime for my education, yet there was never a doubt in my mind that I would go. I knew I would have to figure it out, and I did.

Her penalty later in life will be her student loan debt, and that is her cross to bear if she doesn't compete for the scholarships now.

I was the exact same way, and I regret that I didn't go to a more challenging school where I was actually pushed to do better. I was a bright student who did very little and pretty well, and did fabulous when I was loaded up with AP and Honors classes at the average school. Who knows what I would have achieved if I had gone to the college prep school? Maybe a lot better.

I found in college that when I was working 40-60 hours per week and taking a full load in college, I made straight A's. It was only when I had so full a schedule that I learned to manage my time and excelled. Some people need more, not less. Not saying that this is her solution, but you never know.

 

[monsterkitty]

I agree with lots that has been said. I would like to add that I see this as a control issue. She may not be turning assignments in because this is the only aspect of her life she feels like she can control.

If you change her schools and isolate her, you are going to get much worse that a not-so-shabby 3.2 GPA.

 

[CEDmom]

I think in the long run it'll be a decision you'll regret. Your DD will resent not having friends close by or being able to be involved in things at school. Those do come into play on college applications.

Also, you mentioned you're in a competitive district. We are as well. We moved from a low scoring one to one that's top tiered. Believe me, a 3.2 in a competitive district carries more weight than a 4.0 in a non-competitive one.

9th grade is a huge transitional year for many kids. They no longer have the level of teacher involvement they had in middle school. Help your DD become more organized and use the activities has rewards for keeping her grades up. Without any kind of incentive she's not likely to be motivated to push herself.

 

[java]

Now I know in your heart you feel that pushing her will make her do better. She is getting a 3.2 in your worst case? I am going to tell you about my parents. They pushed and pushed. I was number 2 in my high school graduating class. Do you know what they said "Oh if you only got that extra point you could have been first" That was over 20 years ago and I remember that. I was busting my butt at school, had a part time- 25 hours a week job and a boyfriend. They rode me about my boyfriend. They rode me about work. You name it. I was a nervous wreck. I used to throw up every morning. All it did was make me totally shut my parents out of my life. To this day our relationship is strained at best.

The moral of my story.Forget for a one moment about her grades. What type of a person is she? Are you proud of her in any aspect of her life? Does she know it? Or does she constantly feel like she is disappointing you? She is going through puberty right now. 9th grade is a big transition. To be changing schools- she would now be the outsider- would she make friends that you approve of? Do you really think that switching her school is going to make her do better? I don't. I lived it and she feels strangled. Don't take her life away.

 

[Hannathy]

You won't commute 15 miles so that she can have a social life??? Come on - 15 miles is nothing!

If you are not willing to help her participate in at one or two activities at a new school, then no - I wouldn't move her. A 3.2 GPA is nothing to sneeze at. There are always student loans, jobs, and other ways of paying for college if thing don't turn around (which they often do at this age). Besides taking her away from all of these things would not make her a well rounded student.

Personally, I think you sound like a helicopter parent. She's old enough that if she forgets her work - she's responsible and no one else. She can read and follow directions. These are all life lessons that she must learn and its better to do it now than later in college or even a the work place where she could be fired.

I apologize for being harsh, but step back and look at the positive. I think you are upset about losing the family business (and rightfully so) and your projecting that to your DD. It's not her's to bear.

I agree. What's with the 15 miles? how close do you think everyone else lives to their kids activities? Yes grades are important and with a 3.2 she won't be getting into Harvard BUT with a 3.2 and no extra curricular's she won't be getting into the state school either. Schools want to see more than grades so if you want her to go to college you pretty much have to figure out a way for her to get back and forth from school. I wouldn't move her but if you do why couldn't you wait at school a few days for the hour or so for her to participate in things. Students now have to have a well rounded high school experience to get in anywhere. Let alone what a miserable lonely life that would be for a teenage girl. Is that what you want her to remember about her High school years? And who do you think she will blame for it? Possibly for the rest of her life.

 

[Mkrop]

I too dont understand why everyone feels that their kids need scholarships to go to college(academic or sports), my parents had nothing to give me towards college except their signature on some of my college loans. I worked and my grades were great, you can go to college without a scholarship.

When I ws in HS I got asked to join National Honor Society for my Jr yr. I got turned down, WHY, my grades were great, I was in all honors classes, I worked a PT job after school. It was becasue I had no extracurricular activities. The whole well rounded student thing! Also I had no parent willing to pick me up so I could do the activities. So in Jr yr, I got my license, convince my dad to give me his beat up old car and joined stuff, got into NHS and was able to put extracurrilcur stuff on my college apps!!!

So my point is that colleges want the well rounded student not just one with a certain GPA.

 

[Piper]

I know you want your daughter to do her best--but I agree with the control issue. You have to step back and let her be responsible for her grades (after all --she is.) That is one area you cannot control.

Offer suggestions (but don't nag), praise successes, don't harp on failures--express disappointment not OF her but FOR her. Say, "I know you're disappointed to only make a C on that paper. What do you think you can do that will help you do better next time." then listen.

Also, have you given her responsibility in other areas. Maybe give her control of her clothes & school supply budget. Give her a certain amount and absolutely NO more when those "emergencies" come up. Help her learn to budget both her money and her time.

Let this be HER issue not yours.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Thanks guys, this really helps. I think when I almost tripped over that extra credit thing she made for spanish it was the proverbial "last straw".
It is still an option, but I have told her that she really needs to buckle down. Other than fighting with me and acting like a ditzbrain sometimes she is a good kid--no drugs or alcohol, active in church, etc. I know she's a good role model to the younger kids.
Robin M.

 

[barkley]

she's a cheerleader, does show choir, the school musicals and dance? that's an awful heavy load in and of itself (high school i attended purposely schedualed the performance choir the same period as cheer because they felt that it was too much of a committment to be in both-so if you got selected for both you had to pick one over the other).

as a former highschool choir/musical theatre junkie something i'de suggest you consider-did her grades drop when all of those activites were at a higher demand level. i know for us spring semester was when we performed more with choir (most of fall was learning the music and then doing just the christmas show, spring was the heavy performing time), when the 'big' musical production was done-it was just way more demanding of us time and energy wise. also-is she as forgetfull when it comes to her extracurriculars-she ever forget her script/sheet music for a rehearsal, her items for dance or cheer? if not then i think she may have her own priorities-which don't mesh with yours and may need to be discussed/addressed.

i don't know if changing schools is a good idea-i do think scaling back to maybe one extracurricular plus maybe dance (if it is only once a week-and not once a week in addition to performances, competitions....)each semester. if she can sucessfully stay organized then add on another, but if you see those old organizational problems coming up again she may have to scale back.

as for college and scholarships-yes extracurriculars help, but honestly that's what put the top scholars apart from the other top scholars, if you're not breaking into that top range all the extracurriculars in the world are not going to make the difference. colleges may want 'well rounded' kids, but when 400 kids are applying for 40 freshman slots the gpa is still what's going to get their apps looked at in the first place (some of the state colleges and universities in california for example have only a 3.0 gpa as the requirement for admission, however since they get thousands more apps than they can accept-unless you've got the top range in gpa's no amount of extra curriculars will get your app even passing consideration).