Should I keep my mouth shut or not?

[stsomewhere]

I really do not have a relationship with my mom. She was a HORRIBLE mom. She abandoned us to our grandparents, took us with her to buy drugs, etc..She likes to "pretend " that she is the best mom and grandma in the whole world around others. But, a few people know how is really is, my husband, kids, grandma, and aunt.
She lives 6 blocks away. She does not come to any birthday parties, school activities, or special activities for my kids. My kids have come to realize not to believe what Grandma says because she never follows through. My sisters are still hopeful to have a relationship with her.

In January, I came to the conclusion ( after almost 40 yrs) that I would never have a relationship with her and I was okay with it. It relieved a lot of stress for me. She was not going to treat my kids the same way she treated me. We had a few words about it and I left mad. My sisters are younger and don't remember everything that has happened.


Now my dilemma... she invited me to her Advent tea at church. I have gone in previous years to appease her. I did not go last year because I was sorting out my feeling toward her. I just told her I already have plans

This year I am not going to go either
Should I tell her I already have plans
or
should I tell her the truth that I do not want to come because she does not want to be involved with my families lives. She always has a reason why she can't make it or will tell us she will come but does not show up. Both of my sisters will be going.

 

[happygirl]

I really do not have a relationship with my mom. She was a HORRIBLE mom. She abandoned us to our grandparents, took us with her to buy drugs, etc..She likes to "pretend " that she is the best mom and grandma in the whole world around others. But, a few people know how is really is, my husband, kids, grandma, and aunt.
She lives 6 blocks away. She does not come to any birthday parties, school activities, or special activities for my kids. My kids have come to realize not to believe what Grandma says because she never follows through. My sisters are still hopeful to have a relationship with her.

In January, I came to the conclusion ( after almost 40 yrs) that I would never have a relationship with her and I was okay with it. It relieved a lot of stress for me. She was not going to treat my kids the same way she treated me. We had a few words about it and I left mad. My sisters are younger and don't remember everything that has happened.


Now my dilemma... she invited me to her Advent tea at church. I have gone in previous years to appease her. I did not go last year because I was sorting out my feeling toward her. I just told her I already have plans

This year I am not going to go either
Should I tell her I already have plans
or
should I tell her the truth that I do not want to come because she does not want to be involved with my families lives. She always has a reason why she can't make it or will tell us she will come but does not show up. Both of my sisters will be going.

I would go. She's your mom and the only one you have. You will never forgive yourself if something would happen to her and you guys hadn't made peace.

 

[ols386]

If it were me, I'd tell her up-front how you really feel. If you don't want to have a relationship with her or let her have a relationship with your children, that really is your decision. I'm presuming your children are children and not adults. If they are adults, then I guess it would be up to them if they have a relationship with her. Best wishes to you.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I would go. She's your mom and the only one you have. You will never forgive yourself if something would happen to her and you guys hadn't made peace.

I can promise this it not the case with every child and mother. Some people should have never had children and some people should cut all ties with their parents.


OP, I simply would just say "sorry I can't make it" and leave it at that. I wouldn't give any further details. If really pressed I would simply say I have something else to do and I would do something else with my family. You don't owe her by playing the perfect family for her church reputation.

 

[stsomewhere]

I can promise this it not the case with every child and mother. Some people should have never had children and some people should cut all ties with their parents.


OP, I simply would just say "sorry I can't make it" and leave it at that. I wouldn't give any further details. If really pressed I would simply say I have something else to do and I would do something else with my family. You don't owe her by playing the perfect family for her church reputation.

Thank you. This is exactly how I feel.

 

[marybet]

Will telling her the truth do any good? She sounds oblivious to the pain she has caused you. I think you have made a good decision to not try to mend a relationship that was never there. Unless you want to try for a relationship I see no point in telling her the truth. It will be stressfull for you and won't make any difference in your relationship with her.

I would only tell her the truth if you no longer want to have anything to do with her. Sounds like you still talk with her and maybe it would be better if you just tell her you no longer want to do that. Only you know if you want to sever all ties with her.

 

[Gina]

To me, life is too short to be around people who stress you out and/or disappoint you so completely. A little DNA does not change that or factor in at all. JMHO!

 

[Wishing on a star]

She doesn't sound like the kind of person who would be involved in a Tea at Church!!! (but then again, you said she likes to put up false pretense. like she is some great mother/grandmother) It sounds as if she has some very serious issues and a real break with reality????

I just simply wouldn't go...
Why the whole 'other plans' bit???? Why lie.
A simple, "No, I am sorry, but I will not be coming...."

Opening your mouth hasn't helped before.
Talking till your blue in the face can't bring this woman into the real world.
I would strongly suggest against it.

Seeing that you have severed the relationship, I am wondering just how she contacted you to invite you to this thing????
Perhaps you need to decide whether you are backing away from this or not.
IMHO, there is no halfway.

 

[stsomewhere]

Will telling her the truth do any good? She sounds oblivious to the pain she has caused you. I think you have made a good decision to not try to mend a relationship that was never there. Unless you want to try for a relationship I see no point in telling her the truth. It will be stressfull for you and won't make any difference in your relationship with her.

I would only tell her the truth if you no longer want to have anything to do with her. Sounds like you still talk with her and maybe it would be better if you just tell her you no longer want to do that. Only you know if you want to sever all ties with her.

I still see her a few times a year at family functions.

 

[cats7494]

Why waste your energy on a negative relationship that causes you and your children stress and/or pain? Just because she is your "mother" doesn't mean she has the right to expect She is apparently unwilling(?) to recognize the suffering she caused you and continues to cause you and your children.

I would just politely tell her that I am unable to attend and leave it at that.

Good luck to you!

 

[penn19]

I can promise this it not the case with every child and mother. Some people should have never had children and some people should cut all ties with their parents.


OP, I simply would just say "sorry I can't make it" and leave it at that. I wouldn't give any further details. If really pressed I would simply say I have something else to do and I would do something else with my family. You don't owe her by playing the perfect family for her church reputation.

This. Just because you gave birth, doesn't make you a mom! Some people never should have given birth. If someone doesn't have that type of relationship with one or both parents, you just can't understand what it's like. I know in my heart that I will never see my mom again, will not attend her funeral, and I had to make peace with that.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Why waste your energy on a negative relationship that causes you and your children stress and/or pain? Just because she is your "mother" doesn't mean she has the right to expect She is apparently unwilling(?) to recognize the suffering she caused you and continues to cause you and your children.

I would just politely tell her that I am unable to attend and leave it at that.

Good luck to you!

I agree with this completely. And I want to add how sorry I am that your relationship came to this, but you certainly show a lot of strength and awareness to acknowledge it. I think making up an excuse is not worthy of how far you have come in your realization process.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really do not have a relationship with my mom. She was a HORRIBLE mom. She abandoned us to our grandparents, took us with her to buy drugs, etc..She likes to "pretend " that she is the best mom and grandma in the whole world around others. But, a few people know how is really is, my husband, kids, grandma, and aunt.
She lives 6 blocks away. She does not come to any birthday parties, school activities, or special activities for my kids. My kids have come to realize not to believe what Grandma says because she never follows through. My sisters are still hopeful to have a relationship with her.

In January, I came to the conclusion ( after almost 40 yrs) that I would never have a relationship with her and I was okay with it. It relieved a lot of stress for me. She was not going to treat my kids the same way she treated me. We had a few words about it and I left mad. My sisters are younger and don't remember everything that has happened.


Now my dilemma... she invited me to her Advent tea at church. I have gone in previous years to appease her. I did not go last year because I was sorting out my feeling toward her. I just told her I already have plans

This year I am not going to go either
Should I tell her I already have plans
or
should I tell her the truth that I do not want to come because she does not want to be involved with my families lives. She always has a reason why she can't make it or will tell us she will come but does not show up. Both of my sisters will be going.

Neither.

You should tell her that you cannot make it and leave it at that.

To truly let her go you have to let it go. You don't need to fight, lie, or anything else.

You have to learn how to have self discipline with your mom and your sisters. DO NOT talk about mom with them anymore. Give her up.

When she asks why you cannot make it or your sisters ask you why you did not come, then you can say, I had other plans.

NOW here is the tricky part.....if they press you for reasons, you have to learn how to dodge their questions or manipulate them back.

Because once they press you then they are just asking for a fight to be honest. They know why and you know why. This is just part of putting on the boxing gloves to fight, vent, rehash, etc...

So, you can say things like I would rather not discuss it, I am not up for talking about it, things like that.

Now if they continue, then you say, well I guess I have to let you go because I asked not to talk about it and you keep insisting so I will talk to you later.

Bottom line, do not gossip with sisters number 1 and then take charge without emotion.

 

[bellebud]

She abandoned us to our grandparents, took us with her to buy drugs, etc.

this is enough reason to not want her to have a "real" relationship with your kids. if they have any relationship at all, keep it light, simple with crystal clear boundries.

I would go. She's your mom and the only one you have. You will never forgive yourself if something would happen to her and you guys hadn't made peace.

I respectfully very much disagree with this. What her mom did to her was abandonment, abuse, neglect... OP has nothing to 'make peace' for - and her mother is not extending the olive branch. I'd personally have very little to nothing to do with her.

I can promise this it not the case with every child and mother. Some people should have never had children and some people should cut all ties with their parents.

yes.

To me, life is too short to be around people who stress you out and/or disappoint you so completely. A little DNA does not change that or factor in at all. JMHO!

yes!

OP - I definitely wouldn't go. If you have any more 'talks' w/ mommy dearest, I'd tell her you're very busy raising your own family now, you remember everything she did to you, you would never allow your children to have a real relationship with someone of her character, and if she wants any kind of relationship with you and/or your kids, it's 100% on your terms, or it's nothing at all.

I speak from experience (different story, but same idea).

You'll have peace if you put up your boundries. It's very important.

good luck! It's sucks having crappy parents, huh?

 

[Magic Mom]

I understand why you don't want to go. She disappointed you and abandoned you as a child, and has treated you poorly as an adult. I would just politely decline and if she persists for a reason, simply say you would rather spend quality time with your kids. There's no need to be cruel or nasty, but you shouldn't be expected to pretend everything is great between you when she won't acknowledge what she has done to you.

 

[stsomewhere]

Thanks to everyone's advice and support.

I told her I would not be able to attend.
I did not go into anything else.

 

[Disney Doll]

By "should I keep my mouth shut?" I assume you mean "Should I tell my mother why I don't want to go to her church thing or should I just make up an excuse?".

Truthfully, OP, consider what good telling your mother would do for you. Sounds like it would just cause more grief than it would solve. I would imagine that a simple "I won't be able to attend because I have another commitment" would work just as well and save some drama in your life.

You're not lying...you're "committed" to doing anything that doesn't involve your mother...this time of year that could be decorating, baking, shopping, doing Christmas cards, cleaning the house in preparation for holiday visitors. spending time with your children.

 

[arminnie]

should I tell her the truth that I do not want to come because she does not want to be involved with my families lives. She always has a reason why she can't make it or will tell us she will come but does not show up. Both of my sisters will be going.

You did the right thing. But honestly you should be so thankful that she does not want to be involved with your family. I can't think of a worse influence.

 

[disneyhand]

You did the right thing. But honestly you should be so thankful that she does not want to be involved with your family. I can't think of a worse influence.

That's exactly what I was thinking! And I agree with the others that say to just avoid her and any confrontational conversations. Sometimes it better to have brief and minimal contact with certain relatives!

 

[cm8]

To me, life is too short to be around people who stress you out and/or disappoint you so completely. A little DNA does not change that or factor in at all. JMHO!