Should I keep my mouth shut or not?

[DisneyScraps]

I have a Mom that is toxic to me and I have very little interaction with her. I would just say you have something else going on. I wouldn't pick a fight right before the holidays if you can aviod it.

Lisa

 

[FlightlessDuck]

If you aren't going to forgive her and don't want to have any contact or relationship with her, you should be up front about it.

 

[susykt4]

You definitely did the right thing! I've made the incredibly stupid mistake of trying to speak my mind and feelings. It backfired hard and while it felt good for a minute, the end results were NOT worth it! It's very unlikely your mom will ever change, but if she does it won't be because you went off on her. Sometimes it really, really stinks to have to be the more mature, reasonable one.

 

[disykat]

Good for you! You've been abused by her enough, you don't need to go through more. Simply saying no and leaving it be saves you from drama. It is what it is. It's sad that it isn't changing, but accepting the reality of it and moving forward sounds very healthy! You were smart not to shut any doors though, maybe some day she'll decide to make an effort and it can be a pleasant surprise.

 

[MomRN]

I can relate. My mother was, and probably still is, the very same way. She was not a good person, and even though she says she has changed, I'm not willing to bet mu son's well-being on it. So we talk occassionally (a few times a year) on the phone, and I leave it at that. She has seen my son less than a handful of times. So don't let anyone make you feel guilty about that whole "she's your mother" line. I've had enemies treat me better than my mother did.

 

[okeydokey]

I would go. She's your mom and the only one you have. You will never forgive yourself if something would happen to her and you guys hadn't made peace.

That is not the question the OP asked. She has decided her mother will not be part of her life, so going is not one of the two options she put out there.

I would say, sorry I can't make it and leave it at that. There is no need to make something up.

 

[Robindianne]

I would go. She's your mom and the only one you have. You will never forgive yourself if something would happen to her and you guys hadn't made peace.

The question was do I tell her the truth about why or not. I say do whatever is easiest for you.

People who tell us to do things for our moms or that something bad might happen, do not have moms like us and will never be able to understand what that's like.

You survived your childhood; you deserve to thrive as an adult. Mother your inner child now, the way you didn't get mothered. You deserve it.

 

[Robindianne]

If you aren't going to forgive her and don't want to have any contact or relationship with her, you should be up front about it.

No. You "should" do whatever you need to do.

 

[horseshowmom]

Thanks to everyone's advice and support.

I told her I would not be able to attend.
I did not go into anything else.

That's what I would have done too. Glad it went simply.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

My father has been dead for 4 years. People said I would be sorry for our estrangement, that I would regret not seeing him before he died, blah blah blah. You know what? I am NOT sorry, I do NOT regret it, and I NEVER WILL.

It was the right decision. I am proud that I took a stand and stuck to it.

 

[quentina]

My bio-dad, walked away from us. The last time I spoke to him, I was 8 and he was getting re-married...so...I say, wow,can I go, he said no...no strangers allowed. At 8 I realized all the stuff I heard my mom say, when I was not supposed to be listening, was true. I decided, at 8, to not speak to him anymore. I never looked back. I do not regret it. He has since died and my step-dad forced me to go to the wake for closure reasons.

My step dad taught me that you can love unconditionally and that biology is not required to be part of the equation. He is the reason that I adopted two children. He is amazing. Bio-dad...not so much.

You need to do what you think is right and what you can live with. My Pop (bio's dad) was the most amazing man. They went above and beyond as they were horrified by their child's behavior. He once asked me to stop carrying the hammer so hard and talk to my bio-dad. I told him no. He also agreed that Eddie walking away from me was the best thing that he could have done as he was selfish and all about him.

My 3 kids have the most amazing grand-pop. Not only did my step dad raise me as his own, he is 150% all grandpop. All of us are quite lucky to have him.

 

[Kimickey]

I may be totally off when I say this, but you may be the only PEACE your mother has ever seen.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I didn't read all the posts so sorry if this is a repeat.

I understand what you are saying about her and her past. It sounds like she does want to be involved with you because she continuously invites you to this ...not sure what else.

You need to ask yourself are you interested in having her in your life at all. She will never be the ideal mom and grandmother that you want her to be....I'm not telling you to make excuses for her or to not allow her failures to disappoint you. Just do you want to continue some kind of relationship with her.

If you do than you need to sit with her and have a conversation. Let her know that her asking you to come to things is important to her, but she needs to recipricate and be a bit more interested in your family activities and members.

How does she treat your sibling's family.....like yours or more involved? Is it possible she is afraid of rejection from you and doesn't know how to react?

I don't think you should forget what she did. However, if you can I would have a heart to heart with her (w/o yelling) and let her know about all the hurts that you suffered as a child because of her actions. Things might not change, but it might make you feel better. Good luck with everything.