Should I get rid of Sarah's stuff? (LOOOOONG POST, but please read!!)

[TigerBear]

I can totally respect that but I also think it is possible to save some memories/items from a previous partner without having any desire to reclaim that relationship. I may have some things saved from my ex-husband but he has absolutely no part of my heart. Shoot, he brought home all four of the pups in the picture below! No way am I getting rid of them just because they were from him.

 

[Serena]

I'd have to get rid of my house and all the furnishings in it.

I was a stay at home mom for most of the 22 years we were together and it was his paycheck that paid for all this, such as it is.

Just because the stuff is here, doesn't mean I want him back.

 

[goin2disneyagain]

Originally posted by Serena
I'd have to get rid of my house and all the furnishings in it.

I was a stay at home mom for most of the 22 years we were together and it was his paycheck that paid for all this, such as it is.

Just because the stuff is here, doesn't mean I want him back.

I think the OP was referring to more personal items like photos, letters and things like that.

 

[Serena]

Originally posted by goin2disneyagain
I think the OP was referring to more personal items like photos, letters and things like that.

I know, I was exaggerating the point.

 

[2BigKIdz]

Originally posted by Growin'upDisney
True love is never an easy thing. And it doesn't always last. Memories, while painful, are often times the only thing one has left. By your story there were some good times in there too. That's what you have to hold onto. Keep the items.

I think you might be a little bit hard on yourself. You don't sound heartless at all. What heartless guy would be agonizing over keeping these items, heck what heartless guy would have kept them at all? It sounds that you did your best for you and her. So many times we wish we could change things, but what you must also realize is that sometimes we just don't have the power to do so. You promised to marry her, she left you. She could have waited and lived out the "fairy tale" life with you as her protector. She chose not to, she chose the life she is living now.

I admit, I cannot even imagine the physical and mental abuse you must both have suffered. But you sound like you chose the right path. Be proud of that. Remember her, cherish the good times, learn from the bad times, and know that someday you will find a princess who loves you and deserves your love in return.

ITA!!

You are not heartless at all, in fact you seem very sweet (can I say that to a soldier? )

Please find a way to get over your guilt, she is responsible for the way her life turns out. It is very sad and tragic what both of you have been through but you have made a good life for yourself and she could too if she was willing. Some people just can't be helped because they won't help themselves.

My opinion- I think when the time is right you will know when to throw the stuff out, until then put it somewhere out of the way.

 

[ZachnElli]

Originally posted by 2BigKIdz
.

My opinion- I think when the time is right you will know when to throw the stuff out, until then put it somewhere out of the way.

I totally agree with this. I have an ex-fiance and when it was over I threw out everything. Every photo, every letter, absolutely everything in the trash! All I kept was the engagement ring and his class ring and for that I just waited for him to call. And he did and I gave them back. That was quite the reality for him let me tell you! But we didn't go back to childhood and go through everything you did. Keep it in storage for awhile and when your real princess comes, then go back and throw it away.

 

[Amberle3]

First of all, you're very eloquent and have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. Cherish it - it's quite a gift.

You obviously feel that you should be doing something with the things she gave you, otherwise you wouldn't be at this crossroads. I say look over the things and keep some for now. You don't need to keep everything in order to still honour the part she's played in your life.

As others have mentioned, she's been a part of you for a great many years. And she always will be, because she has helped to shape the person you've become. And from what I can, that's a really fantastic person.

I've been, well I haven't been in her shoes completely because I didn't resort to the drugs and alcohol. I easily could have, but my escape was reading. I think that while there are a great many commonalities between abused males and females, there are some things that are specific to girls. So having been on (wait, that doesn't sound right) here's my advice to you:

Sarah was not ready for a real relationship with you. She probably wanted one, and I'm sure part of her desperately needed one, but she needed to heal first. I remember being a teenager. I was remarkably mature for my age, and I thought I was ready for love. And I was, but not from someone else. Whenever a relationship got to the point where he would say "I love you" (which happens real quick at 16) I would panic and shut down. I wanted love. I wanted to be married, and to have the perfect life and the perfect husband and raise perfect children and have a completely different life. But I knew I couldn't do it. I wasn't perfect, and you can't have a perfect relationship when you're broken. Sarah is broken, and she needs fixing. And only she can do it. You can try and help her all you want, and it's not going to make one lick of difference.

It's like trying to make someone quit smoking. You can hide the cigs, you can crush them, you can drown them, and they'll still find a way to do it. They'll only quit when they're ready to, and not before. It's the same with Sarah. At some point, hopefully, something inside her will snap into place and she will realize that she is worth more than she thinks she is.

Sarah doesn't think you're not good enough for her. Sarah thinks she's not good enough for you. And the truth is, that no matter how nice, or sweet, or smart she is, she's not really going to be able to love anyone truly until she learns to love herself.

Keep some of the items. Regard them the same way you would mementos from a vacation. These are postcards from your life. It's the "been there" pile. You need to remember where you've been, either so that you can go there again someday (even if it's with someone else) or avoid going there again.

 

[LittleMissMickey]

I didn't vote because I was unsure of what to put...

I vote for tossing it all because you are not supposed to keep anything in your home that brings you down.

I vote for keeping it all because perhaps it is something you can learn from.

Since you are obviously going to think about this a bit (as you already have), you should try and find some information on the basic principles of feng shui and how to follow them. I lived in a woman's home that was organized by the elements of FS, and she was very happy with it. She kept all the ex-BF stuff that she had a hard time getting rid of in a learning and growing room, but tossed out those things that she didn't feel complimented learning and growing. That was her way of dealing with it.

I have not completely dealt with mine yet. I am moving back home next week and will have four months to figure out what I want to toss and what I want to keep with me for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure all that ex BF stuff will go because it is not something that brings any feelings anymore (I ended it, and that is a good thing). I agree with Esmeralda when she says she would not want to find any real remnants of a past love among her BF's things. I've been with my DBF for three years now, and would not want to find anything from those other girls. It is not something that we need. We have talked about our exes enough to know what worked and what didn't, and the memories will always be there. I don't need to see "artifacts" of their relationship together. If he kept something because he liked it, that's one thing, if he kept a picture of her tacked next to it in his mind, taht's different.

Mull it over, and decide what you need. Toss out anything that you haven't looked at in over a year, and that should get you started.

Good luck. Your story is very well written despite the emotion. I know that somebody will discover your loving self, and be very lucky for it.

Ashley

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

Get rid of all the baggage you're carrying around (including Sarah's stuff)! You are a young, good-looking, very sweet guy. You're never going to move ahead if you keep living in the past. I'm am so sorry for the horrible things you've been through but get on with your life and find the happiness you deserve. And Vamp, the last thing you are is Heartless!!!

 

[Planogirl]

I have some pictures and a few other odds and ends. I was going to toss them all but then I thought about being old someday and how interesting it would be to go through all of it. I don't have any feelings but the memories are interesting.

I can't make a recommendation. Just do what feels right.

 

[Skywalker]

Aw, Vamp, what a sad story. Wow, are you ever a soulful kind of guy.

Anyway, as I was reading your post I just kept hoping that you would be able to get over this very self-destructive girl. People can always find excuses to do bad things, but she has gone down her path and it is, thank goodness, different than the path you were strong enough to take.

Hearing you say things like she is the most beautiful girl you will possibly ever see, and the greatest love you will ever have...I hope you can get past that, the quicker the better, because you are sabotaging yourself for any future relationship. That is why I vote you should get rid of the stuff. It seems it can only continue to cause you misery when in fact you should be moving on from that part of your life. It is hard to let go, especially when the relationship was filled with such drama. I have often read that relationships with such huge ups and downs are often harder to let go of than ones that went smoothly all the time. So, this one is in that category. But for your own sanity and for the sake of your future love life, get rid of the stuff and slowly wean yourself away!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you hang on to her in any way I think you will be only destined for more misery and loneliness. No one wants to be second best.

Good luck to you Vamp, you seem like an angel.

 

[Maleficent13]

You don't need to keep anything tangible to remember her. You'll remember her forever. Or you won't. The heart is a truly remarkable thing.

IMO, you're using these things to try to hold on to her. You talked a lot about getting burned, and I think you might have some trust issues (because you sound alot like me). So you're using your memories of her to "protect" you from risking getting close to someone else and possibly getting hurt again. Been there, doing that.

Also, the guilt is something you have got to get over. Also been there, doing that. Believe me I know it's a hell of an easy thing to say and almost impossible to do. My ex and I have been divorced 2 years and I still at times experience crushing guilt over it. My head knows I have nothing to feel guilty about, but the rest of me isn't quite there yet.

Get rid of the stuff, Vamp. It's holding you back. Trust me on this one.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Vamp, you have a way with words. Even though I wanted a short read, I read the whole thing. You sound like an intelligent, sensitive man. I'm sure things will work out for you.

I have to say, the movie, "Forrest Gump" came to mind! Not saying you are like Forrest Gump in any way. But your relationship with Sarah, being in the military, and your description of Sarah and her troubled life just reminded me of that story. (I guess it's kind of like hearing a song and it can take you back in time.)

Anyway, I wish you well. IMHO, it's the memories in your heart that matter.

 

[phorsenuf]

I would keep it. Put it all in a box and store it away with all your hurt and pain. But move on.
The reason I say to keep it is someday your paths may cross again in a different circumstance. It could be a month from now, it could be 20 years.
She obviously means alot to you and I think you would regret disposing of them down the road if by chance you renew your friendship.

 

[VampHeartless]

Originally posted by OceanAnnie
Vamp, you have a way with words. Even though I wanted a short read, I read the whole thing. You sound like an intelligent, sensitive man. I'm sure things will work out for you.

I have to say, the movie, "Forrest Gump" came to mind! Not saying you are like Forrest Gump in any way. But your relationship with Sarah, being in the military, and your description of Sarah and her troubled life just reminded me of that story. (I guess it's kind of like hearing a song and it can take you back in time.)

Anyway, I wish you well. IMHO, it's the memories in your heart that matter.

Yeah, I totally can't watch that movie at all anymore.

Or any movies with blonde haired blue eyed romances that start out when they are young.

It actually kinda sucks...

 

[KrnB]

Originally posted by phorsenuf
I would keep it. Put it all in a box and store it away with all your hurt and pain. But move on.
The reason I say to keep it is someday your paths may cross again in a different circumstance. It could be a month from now, it could be 20 years.
She obviously means alot to you and I think you would regret disposing of them down the road if by chance you renew your friendship.

I totally agree. I personally would keep a few momentos - things that you might value 10 years from now - and pack them in a box until your heart has healed. And give yourself a lot of time to heal.


Funny - I never gave Forest Gump a thought, but as I read your story, two thoughts ran through my mind - 1)wow, you two have been through SO much as individuals and as a couple, and 2) what a heckuva story this would make for a book or movie.

I agree with everyone who has said not to blame yourself for what she is going though. You've done so much to help her, and there's really not much you can do when she doesn't accept the helping hand you've offered. I know that doesn't offer much comfort because you hate seeing her do such damaging things to herself and to you. But now, the best thing you can do for her is pray that she is able to heal the pain of her past and move on to take care of herself.

Take good care of yourself!

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

Alright Vamp -- the results are in: BURN THEM !!!

And let it be a liberating experience.

GOOOOOOOOOO VAMP !!!!

 

[winniedapooh]

keep it.....