Should I allow ex to go on trip???

[jrandtysmom]

About the most I can manage is to be composed and courteous to my ex when my DS is around. I try to be courteous other times too, but it's hard when he does things purposely to create havoc in my world and make me look like the bad guy...

Again, sounds like we were married to the same guy. I'm so glad (well not really) to find out that I'm not the only one dealing with someone like that.

 

[wilderness01]

No you haven't offended, you actually made me cry (but in a good way...yes it's a woman thing). Those are my feelings in my heart for my boys and that was what I was wanting to do, but there is still the part of me that doesn't. That is why I posted here because I feel so torn. I want to lead by example, be the bigger person and show them that we can all get along, but at the same time I don't want to be a doormat for the rest of our lives for my ex to walk all over and use my boys to do it. Your last part is exactly my feelings, it is my responsibility to be the adult and if I am the one to hurt, so be it before I will allow them to be hurt but for that their dad takes advantage. He knows that those 2 boys are the most important thing in my life and that I will do anything to spare them anymore pain then I've already caused them by a failed marriage.

Thanks Fizban for your 2 cents, they mean alot. If my ex would handle himself even half the way you sound like you've handled your parenting/divorce, we'd be in a lot better shape then we are (and maybe even still married) but he hasn't.

I also read Fizban's post and I think he is an exception. You also don't want your kid's first trip ruined by tension in the air. I'm sorry, but I think that the ex and his new wife would try to take over your trip. If he truly wants to see the kids at WDW, then I think he should come at the end of your trip. Someone else posted that you go to the beach for some rest and he takes over at WDW. It would still be their first trip.

I just would not chance ruining a trip that you had looked forward to for so long. You two got divorced for a reason, so if it were me I wouldn't think just because it was WDW there would be alot of warm and fuzzies present.

Good luck.

 

[tomboy_m]

I would consider letting the ex go if he is willing to pay for half of the cost of the boys AND is willing to sit down with you and work on a specific plan of what was to be done together and what was to happen seperately. Disney is soo big that you could probably each come up with things that you would specifically want to do with the boys that the other may not be soo interested in. And it may offer you a much needed relaxation and Mom day to have him take them. I would however make sure everything was written in stone prior to agreeing to this and I would not even consider a family suite or adjoining room as you will want to be able to actually relax without having to deal with everyone by the end of the day. For a together activity Chef Mickeys is way fun.. can't even imagine anyone getting into a conflict with all of the characters around.... May want to consider a day at the spa with the $$ you save by having him pay his half of the tickets and dining...

Another thing that might work is that you take one day together, one day with each parent having each boy to themselves, and a day of each parent having a day with both boys. Seems like most kids like special one on one time with parents without sharing with their siblings. Just a thought. Good Luck with whatever you decide to do... Have a magical vacation.

 

[miceli20]

I have to agree with the other posters that this arrangement would not work. For some options as someone else suggested you arrive with the kids spend about 4 days and let ex arrive and take over for an additional 4 days and he can experience firsts with the boys. The two of you staying in the room with the new wife is going to be extremely strained. Another thought will they try to take over the trip and have every first for them. Oh what about the photos, there's mommy, me, brother, dad, and new mommy, wow not even something I would want to try and explain to family and friends. Also, the kids may get the wrong idea about ya'll sharing a room or even a vacation. Sorry so long, I ramble at night ADD and all that.

 

[sunnyday123]

HILARIOUS! Wish you lived closer to me and we could do that together every time our ex's leave! Of course, we might have to check into Betty Ford Clinic!

Would we be able to sleep in? If so, I'm all for it!!

This is why I'm loving the DIS...well this and alot of other reasons! I'm so glad to finally meet other people in this world who don't just pretend that thier lives are perfect and leave me feeling like I'm the only one that wants to

Lol! don't worry, I feel like that on a daily basis!!

I can't say from my own experience; still married and it's 1st marriage for both dh and myself so I won't be offended if you tell me I have no clue what I'm talking about but...
I'm guessing there will be many Firsts that you and your ex will both be missing out on and that's just the way it is when people get divorced. For right now it's their 1st Disney trip. Maybe your ex will take them on a Disney cruise and you will miss that First. or maybe their first bike ride with no training wheels or their first time boogie boarding at the beach, first ATV ride, first ski trip... You get the jist of it. You both can't always be together for every first experience in life.
You totally got it. I missed some firsts with my daughter, although we both insist we each taught her how to ride a two wheeler. He got the first tooth. However, when she called me and told her, I said the Tooth Fairy leaves $20's for the FIRST TOOTH!!!

And Fizban!!! Good Golly you and the other man here get it!! Divorce blows, but you aren't divorced from your kids. You are still parents, geography does not matter. I am totally dreading the upcoming soccer picnic-everyone goes on and on about how well we get along-if only they knew in my head I was pushing him off a cliff! As long as you are as honest as you can be with your kids-my daughter has given up on the getting back together fantasy and told me she wouldn't mind it if I remarried but it is up to the adults to be actual adults.

 

[sunnyday123]

Again, sounds like we were married to the same guy. I'm so glad (well not really) to find out that I'm not the only one dealing with someone like that.

I think we were ALL married to the same knucklehead!! He's the reason we're going to Disney in September....in February he took his g-friend and 3 of her kids to Mexico-and didn't ask if his daughter could go ( not that there was a snowballs chance in Arizona I would've let her!) then tried to blame it on me! She broke my heart when she told me she knew he didn't ask if she could go. I would've sold a kidney to take her. (luckily I didn't have to!)

 

[dementia412]

No.... but if they really want to go, tell them they can plan theirs at the same time, and you let them take the kiddos maybe two half days of the trip. Gives you time to be alone (take in a spa or ride scary rides). Why would anyone suggest staying in the same hotel room with an ex AND a new spouse. Is he mental? Or maybe they could come at the end of your trip, the kids can go with you first, then you can leave them with dad for their family vacation.

 

[maymom96]

No way would I do this. I think poking my eyes out would be much more enjoyable.

 

[polineedyan]

No.... but if they really want to go, tell them they can plan theirs at the same time, and you let them take the kiddos maybe two half days of the trip. Gives you time to be alone (take in a spa or ride scary rides). Why would anyone suggest staying in the same hotel room with an ex AND a new spouse. Is he mental? Or maybe they could come at the end of your trip, the kids can go with you first, then you can leave them with dad for their family vacation.

I have been on both sides of this blended family equation. We used to get along real well with the ex, until he got remarried, now, not so much. Even at our height, I would have been really uncomfortable with him being there..However, it was better for our kids when we all got along. It was the new person who thought it was all wrong, and that there should be all these boundaries. It was really confusing to the kids, while she figured out what the "boundaries" are..
I would say no. Not together. However, I think the above advice is great idea. When you feel like he's trying to sabotage you, I.E. "Mom says no, I cant go with you.." You just turn that stuff around. Say you have no problem with them being at dis at the same time, and that you would even be willing to let him/her spend time with the kids, but they will have to arrange it themselves.
That way, if they TRULY want to go, they feel like you "approve" but you dont have to be around them if you dont want to be.

 

[jrandtysmom]

I think we were ALL married to the same knucklehead!! He's the reason we're going to Disney in September....in February he took his g-friend and 3 of her kids to Mexico-and didn't ask if his daughter could go ( not that there was a snowballs chance in Arizona I would've let her!) then tried to blame it on me! She broke my heart when she told me she knew he didn't ask if she could go. I would've sold a kidney to take her. (luckily I didn't have to!)

Awww bless her heart! I know how you feel. Have a GREAT TRIP!!!

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

You take your sons just the three of you and have a great time!

 

[Fizban257]

No you haven't offended, you actually made me cry (but in a good way...yes it's a woman thing). Those are my feelings in my heart for my boys and that was what I was wanting to do, but there is still the part of me that doesn't. That is why I posted here because I feel so torn.

I'm glad you took my words as intended, I almost didn't post a response at all for fear of being mistaken.

I want to lead by example, be the bigger person and show them that we can all get along, but at the same time I don't want to be a doormat for the rest of our lives for my ex to walk all over and use my boys to do it. Your last part is exactly my feelings, it is my responsibility to be the adult and if I am the one to hurt, so be it before I will allow them to be hurt but for that their dad takes advantage. He knows that those 2 boys are the most important thing in my life and that I will do anything to spare them anymore pain then I've already caused them by a failed marriage.

Unfortunatley, doing the right thing for your kids and becoming a door mat for your ex often go hand-in-hand. I can't even count the times mine has deliberatley taken advantage of me, knowing that I'd bite my tongue, swallow my pride and do the right thing.

Thanks Fizban for your 2 cents, they mean alot. If my ex would handle himself even half the way you sound like you've handled your parenting/divorce, we'd be in a lot better shape then we are (and maybe even still married) but he hasn't.

If only all of our exes acted like they should, none of us would be divorced, right?

 

[Fizban257]

As a divorced parent, now remarried, I hear you but I wonder what effect it has on the kids to see their parents "getting along" since it's a common fantasy among children of divorce that their parents will reunite someday. I personally have never thought it was healthy to project a false image of mommy and daddy romping and laughing and getting along, b/c I didn't want DS4 holding onto the hope that we'd get remarried to each other.

On the other hand, how many of us have justified (at least partially) our divorce with the idea that it isn't healthy for the kids to live in a house where their parents are constantly fighting? You don't have to be best friends, but divorced parents have to learn to be in the same room toghether. Kids have recitals, first communions, confirmations, graduations, birthdays, weddings, etc. that will continue to put both parents right beside each other over and over again for the rest of their lives. My son is now 17, so I can attest that you are going to have to learn how to spend time together with yout child sooner or later.

Have your kids ever talked about that over the years? Did you explain anything prior to them or did they just roll with it and it was no biggie?

Unfortunately, our son has no memory of us ever living together, he was 2-1/2 when his mother took him and left. He did develop a serious stutter right after the split that lasted for almost a year. He also acted out in school in about 18 month intervals. I finally figured out that he was doing it becuase that was the only time his Mom would reach out to me and work together -- when he was in trouble in school.

About the most I can manage is to be composed and courteous to my ex when my DS is around. I try to be courteous other times too, but it's hard when he does things purposely to create havoc in my world and make me look like the bad guy...

My ex went so far as to keep him away from me one year at Christmas as punishment for the fact that he had asked her if he could try living with me for one school year. Letting what they do determine how you act, especially when it makes you go against your principles, lets them win just as much (and maybe more) than being a door mat for their selfishness ever could.

 

[DreamDelta]

I would have to say NO as well! I'm currently going through a divorce and would not let my ex and his girlfriend or wife go on a vacation with me and my children. If he wants to experience Disney with your children, give him the phone number to Disney reservations!

You all are divorced! You are certainly not obligated to take "family" vacations when you all are no longer a family. And the thought of you sleeping in close proximity to him and his new wife is wrong on so many levels!

 

[Anc96]

I would never allow them to share a family suite! That's just crazy. If they want to go, and you are ok (ish) with that.. be sure they fully pay their own way. Have times that you have the boys, then times when they have them, and maybe a couple of times together if you're comfortable with it.

Most of this depends on how your relationship is with both, your ex, and his wife. Don't let him guilt you into anything you're not comfortable with. You can always explain to the boys that although you would be fine with their dad and wife going to Disney, they just couldn't afford to do it right now.

I take my daughter to Disney every year. This year her dad announced he'd like to come down so he could experience it with her. If we were staying in a hotel room, I would have told him he would need to get his own room, but because we will be renting a 3 bed/3 bath townhouse, I agreed to let him stay. He wanted 4 nights, I said no to that. 2 nights was all I allowed. It's my vacation too and I didn't want nearly a week taken up with him there. He will be there 3 full days since his flight lands at 9:20 am and his flight out leaves at 8:30pm. I booked his flight and got him great rates, and I will arrange his tickets (he's not good with stuff like that), but he pays for everything that is for him (I've paid everything for my dd and don't expect him to pay anything for her).
His girlfriend will NOT be coming. If he wanted that I would have a problem with it. If it's time with his daughter he wants, he doesn't need anyone else there with them (I will not be going to the parks with them, but I will be sharing 2 TS meals with them both).
Now if he was re-married, they would not be staying at the townhouse with us, but I wouldn't mind he she came down with him and they stayed nearby. And, BTW, my boyfriend doesn't come with us on vacation, though he does buy us our annual passes every year. He's ok with dd's dad coming for a few days. My bf and dd's dad get along great too.. alot better than me and dd's dad

Another important factor... we stay for 3 weeks. If this was a one week vacation I would not want anyone taking my time with my daughter. In that case, if her dad wanted to experience Disney with her, he'd have to manage to take her there himself.

You know your kids, your ex, and the relationship of all of you. If you're not ok with this, don't do it. You'll be miserable and uncomfortable on your vacation... and you're kids will see it no matter how much you smile. If they do come, SEPARATE ROOMS! And be sure they pay their own way.

Good Luck!

 

[dbarker]

Not only NO, but H-NO ! ! ! !

If DX and new wife want to take DSs on a WDW vacation, then let them...on their dime and on their time. This vacation is your time w/ your DSs.

Sorry, but your X sounds a lot like my X. He would try to muscle in on everything I planned...at my expense. I never let him though. It was a hard battle at times, but I stood my ground. When DS would ask why his dad didn't get to come, I would explain that we were divorced and we didn't get to always do things together.

However, if you do decide to share this vacation w/ X, then let them get their own room. I mean, do you really want to sleep in the same room as your X and his wife (ewww, yuck)

 

[Stitchfans]

Didn't read all the replies. IMO - no no no no way!! You are divorced, and he gave up the right to go on family vacations after the divorce was finalized. My ex husband actually wanted to go with us and I almost split a gut laughing while saying no way.

 

[aribelle]

I'd say no way too.

And then I'd also remind him that if he takes the kids to Disney on his own time (and dime)...then those lucky kids get to go twice, and since it's all about the memories and good times for the kids THAT means it's the right way to do it. Ha!

 

[EthansMom]

I'm not divorced, but both mine and my husband's parents are. Our parents all get along well enough that we haven't had huge issues over holiday time, graduations, etc... However, none of our parents would ever feel comfortable sharing a hotel room and/or touring WDW every day for several days together.

I think your former husband's expectations are out-of-whack. IF he wanted to go, he should have approached you, offered to split half the cost of the boys' expenses, and get a room of his own. It sounds really off that he invited himself on YOUR vacation, expects to share a hotel room and only pay the difference for the larger room (didn't even offer half), and then tells your kids about it before you even have a chance to think about it... talk about low-class.

In your shoes, I would say, "I'm sorry, but this is time that I have planned for me and the boys. I'm sure there will be plenty of things that they do FIRST with you... other trips, other experiences. But I've been looking forward to this time with them." Likewise, I'd tell the boys, "I was really looking forward to spending this time with you. I'm sure your dad will do other great things with you and I won't always be there for those things."

 

[pbharris4]

So what happened? Did you tell him?