Should ex help out with these expenses?

[kamik86]

This.

I just turned 37. Grew up in NYC. Never learned how to drive. My parents never learned how to drive. My sister never learned how to friend. My boyfriend who also grew up in NYC never learned how to drive.

We don't expect other people to drive us places. We plan our lives accordingly. If it became a hardship, I'd learn how to drive.

Totally know that was a typo but it made me laugh .

I totally understand that some areas don't have to drive. Some people hate to drive and may need to make choices to live in those areas. We had someone at work recently that switched offices becuase he found he couldn't live around here in winter. He was NOT willing to drive in snow. It snows way to much (even last year when we got very little) for him to not go to work every time it snowed and although he could work from home sometimes, eventually he would either get stuck at work due to snow or have a major issue due to something going on at work he couldn't miss when it snowed. His new office has a subway he can take from where he lives to work in a city that although it snows if it does enough to shut down the subway system everyone is off for the snow emergency anyway.

My then boyfriend, now husband taught me to drive when I was 20. The first time we got a good snow storm after that he drove us out to a big, empty church parking lot and had me drive for about an hour--first just getting used to how to stop and go on ice, etc and then putting it into skids nad getting back out of htem, then backing up, etc.
Honestly, my parents would not have thought of that, and just being in the car with them telling me what to do would not have helped me get better at driving in inclimate weather, IMO.

Yeah we did the empty parking lot thing too. Honestly I don't think mom being there really made it easier to drive as much as it made me feel better about doing it. That and having the knowledge that if I decided I just couldn't do it I wouldn't be stranded I could just make her drive instead.

 

[mom2rtk]

yep--even when I did drive in college I did not own a car, and my oldest who is in college now niether drives, nor owns a car----but it is not so hard to find a ride, lots of people love to have someone else along to chip in for gas money---and I do admit my oldest is lucky to have extended family in the area who have been very willign to help out too---but without that we could always fall back on paying a shuttle service from the airport if need be (which is cheaper than a car, insurance and gas anyway)

How I wish our son had any form of public transport reasonably close! The nearest airport is 90 minutes away and the nearest train station is an hour away. So we suck it up and drive when we have to. It's like a gift from the heavens when he catches a ride home with someone else!

 

[Hikergirl]

It seems that several posters are blaming the 18-year-old for not working out her own transportation issues. How is asking, "Hey, Mom, if I take this job, can you drive me?" NOT making arrangements?

She asked, and the OP said okay and didn't request gas money. Now the OP is unhappy, but frankly, that's not the daughter's fault.

Going forward, the OP and her daughter now know what is too much to ask of the OP, and the daughter now realizes that she can't depend on her mom giving her rides if the job is too far.

I'm not blaming the dd for the issues the OP is having with her ex. However I do think if transportation is an issue, as an 18 year old that accepted the job she should be the one calling her dad and asking for help.

 

[NHdisneylover]

How I wish our son had any form of public transport reasonably close! The nearest airport is 90 minutes away and the nearest train station is an hour away. So we suck it up and drive when we have to. It's like a gift from the heavens when he catches a ride home with someone else!

there is no train station or airport where DD19 attends either---but not one university we looked at was without brochures for (pricey!) airport transit companies that could get students to/from if needed. It would run about $200 for her to use one (minimum, more if no one else were going at a similar time), but it is an option if we really needed it. Once at school, they walk or bike to things off campus (like work and church).

ETA--I just looked it up again: the cost for where my kid is going to school is acutally only $40 one way to/from teh airport--with eight departure times available each day.

The $200 must have been about the price for Utah State--which was the other school that was seriously considered (or I simply remember incorrectly--always possible)

 

[mom2rtk]

there is no train station or airport where DD19 attends either---but not one university we looked at was without brochures for (pricey!) airport transit companies that could get students to/from if needed. It would run about $200 for her to use one (minimum, more if no one else were going at a similar time), but it is an option if we really needed it. Once at school, they walk or bike to things off campus (like work and church).

I'm not aware of anything like that at my son's school. But by the time we paid that plus airfare we would likely choose to make the drive anyway.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm not aware of anything like that at my son's school. But by the time we paid that plus airfare we would likely choose to make the drive anyway.

we looked at a few places pretty far out---almost any airport has shuttle companies you can hire for enough money to go to campuses even afew hours away if that is the closest--we had to look into it beucase "just driving them" doesn't work when you live on another continent lol

 

[Mickeyluver37]

there is no train station or airport where DD19 attends either---but not one university we looked at was without brochures for (pricey!) airport transit companies that could get students to/from if needed. It would run about $200 for her to use one (minimum, more if no one else were going at a similar time), but it is an option if we really needed it. Once at school, they walk or bike to things off campus (like work and church).

Wow! and this is way OT, but my DD's school provides the shuttles to the airport for FREE! She does have a car but when she flies home, takes the shuttle so she doesn't have to pay airport parking.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wow! and this is way OT, but my DD's school provides the shuttles to the airport for FREE! She does have a car but when she flies home, takes the shuttle so she doesn't have to pay airport parking.

I did look it up and must have been confused with the other school that made the top two last year--it is only $40 (but is NOT provided by the university)--this is a public univeristy with about 80% in state attendance--no reason to provide such a service; better to keep tuition down and let those who need it find ways to get to the airport.

 

[roseaster]

I get that living rurally and living in the city/suburbs are different in terms of public transportation, my point was that it always seems strange to me that people are so shocked when someone says that they don't drive.

There are a lot of people who don't for various reasons. Remember, this is the DIS where all children are advanced, mature, and gifted and all parents are rich, but in the real world even if a kid can get a driver's license they may not because their parent(s) can't afford to insure them, or a car for their use isn't in the budget.

The OP says her daughter has a valid reason that she is unable to drive right now, so let's just accept that this is the case.

I have one going away to college next month. While she knows how to drive, she won't have a car to drive. She will need to take Uber to the train station, then Uber from the station close to home to the house if she wants to come home to visit. Either that or find a ride. Fortunately, she is near enough to a train station to manage it.

I have a friend whose daughter is attending a rural college 7 hours away. Her daughter is already aware that she will only be able to come home for the longer breaks as they will have to pick her up and drive her back.

 

[TavieP]

Totally know that was a typo but it made me laugh .

OMG - it's bizarrely ACCURATE, too! Haha!!!!

 

[pryncess527]

Not directed at OP but . . . Zipcar is also an affordable and practical option for those who do drive but don't have a car. Many college campuses have a few zip cars available.

 

[CarolAnn856]

I'm not blaming the dd for the issues the OP is having with her ex. However I do think if transportation is an issue, as an 18 year old that accepted the job she should be the one calling her dad and asking for help.

But, transportation was not an issue until the OP decided she didn't want to do it all anymore. It wasn't the daughter's fault that her mother changed her mind. Obviously, they will all know better next year. But the OP is the one who allowed this situation to happen.

 

[Minnie_me]

But, transportation was not an issue until the OP decided she didn't want to do it all anymore.

I never said I didn't want to do the driving. I simply wondered about compensation for the gas $$. Funny how many things have gotten twisted in this thread.

 

[gwynne]

I never said I didn't want to do the driving. I simply wondered about compensation for the gas $$. Funny how many things have gotten twisted in this thread.

It's the DIS. If a thread goes on long enough it often evolves into an online game of telephone.

 

[roseaster]

I never said I didn't want to do the driving. I simply wondered about compensation for the gas $$. Funny how many things have gotten twisted in this thread.

LOL. Right?

Actually, I can see how this whole situation went down. "On paper" it sounded doable, but in reality between the varying work/camp hours and the distance it ended up being a PIA time sucker. As someone who shuttles kids around, I get it.

It would be nice if the ex pitched in in some way, but really, he isn't obligated to.

I think you're stuck this summer, but lesson learned, right?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I never said I didn't want to do the driving. I simply wondered about compensation for the gas $$. Funny how many things have gotten twisted in this thread.

True--but the point holds---you were fine with the situation, including you driving her to/from work, at the onset--and did not think about how much gas costs would add up to anticipate it would be a hardship and work out, in advance, either to split that cost with your ex or have your DD pay for gas.

If you, as someone who does drive and (presumably) pays for gas on a regular basis did not anticipate this, it isn't really fair to be upset at your DD for not having done so when she is not even used to driving and seeing what it costs (I know YOU are not upset with your DD, but it seems some posters are insinuating she should have known from the get go--even though sheapparently talked to you and her dad about summer plans and you okayed things as they are now at that time).

It seems no one really thought of it--and honestly I think to some extent, living far out like you do, this is part of the price you pay for that choice , so this year it is probably best to just deal with it since you okayed the situation before you thought of this added cost (and a lot of that is also the yougner one going to camp).

Next year---you know going in and can discuss how to handle it and come to a plan ahead of time. YouV'e gotten lots of good ideas here about how that might be acomplished.

 

[CarolAnn856]

I never said I didn't want to do the driving. I simply wondered about compensation for the gas $$. Funny how many things have gotten twisted in this thread.

But you complained about sitting in your hot car. Gas money wouldn't change that, so it seemed like you were not happy about doing all of the driving. If I am wrong, then I apoligize. But I'm sure you can see where that misunderstanding could come from.

Anyway, my point was to the people saying that your daughter should step up and solve her transportation issue. She DID solve it: she asked you, and you agreed. I understand that you now want to make some adjustments, but for others to imply that she didn't show responsibility by working out how to get to work is just wrong, IMO.

 

[Hikergirl]

But you complained about sitting in your hot car. Gas money wouldn't change that, so it seemed like you were not happy about doing all of the driving. If I am wrong, then I apoligize. But I'm sure you can see where that misunderstanding could come from.

Anyway, my point was to the people saying that your daughter should step up and solve her transportation issue. She DID solve it: she asked you, and you agreed. I understand that you now want to make some adjustments, but for others to imply that she didn't show responsibility by working out how to get to work is just wrong, IMO.

Just saying that she should still be responsible. Call the dad, pay the mom, take the bus or UBER, ask a friend, etc.......

 

[morgan98]

I also don't get everyone mentioning to the OP that her driving the kids around like that is something she should expect for living that far out. Really? The OP is living near her job being that she is earning an income and keeping the primary residence for the kids. I know that I did not dictate to my parents where we lived when I was I kid. We lived where they decided we would live and we made decisions around that.

Perhaps because she lives rural she does end up driving more than most, but the kids are of the age where they should know the distance they are from various activities. I think the OP will more carefully consider these commitments in the future and be more willing to say no or to only grant one request.​

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]