Shiny Happy People Docuseries

[Pink Partridge]

huge red flags here! I've heard of people leaving things to a church in their will. I think that's fine if the decision was made well before the end of life. But coercing people like this is sickening. And I honestly don't know what theology would defend those actions. It's not right.

From what I understand (and I could be phrasing this incorrectly), things were left for different "funds". So let's say, $10k was used for a new fellowship hall fund. And $20k was for the youth group fund.

The family was devastated. The grandfather was always so proud of what would be left to everyone. But I guess things changed after he passed away.

 

[LilyWDW]

But you are missing where people are explaining to you they would not be abandoning their abusive teenager.

You would have the law intervene. The molester would go to a place that homes teens who rape their young family members. Sending your child away would be the responsible thing to do.

That is what I don't get about that person's responses. It makes total sense to get the child committing these horrible acts out of the house and far away from their victims/siblings. Why would you continue to put your other children in harms way?!? You would be putting the feelings and needs of the one committing the act over the ones being victimized. That just doesn't make any sense!

 

[Lilsia]

It's super creepy. And one of many reasons that we chose not to marry in a Catholic Church....the biggest of which is that we're non-believers. I have a story...a bit long, so apologies, but it's been weighing heavily on my mind/heart since it happened earlier this week.

A big religious "bru-haha" has just occurred in my family....between my husband and his father....I was referenced in the whole thing as well. DH and I are lapsed-catholics and don't practice any religion. However, his parents were/remain devout catholics. To the degree that they believe in Adam and Eve, the rib, the ark....the whole shabang. His mother passed in November, and so his very healthy 91 year old father is his only parent. Over the years, we never discussed religion. We always respected *their* religion in that....it's the way they've chosen to live their lives and we respect that. They have always known that we do not go to church and that we're not religious people. One of the reasons that we chose a destination wedding was that neither of us wanted to be married in a catholic church. So, we found some pastor on the internet, literally just "because" it was between a justice of the peace and the other deal.....we spoke about what he'd say ahead of time and let's just say...it was very light on religion.

Now we jump forward 25 years..... to this last week in discussing plans for Father's Day. We initially planned on taking him out to dinner, but he said he'd like to eat at home since it's busy on Saturdays in restaurants. Ok fine, we'll bring dinner. Then he says that after dinner he'd like for us to stay and watch a movie with him. Also fine....not a request he's ever made before, but I read it as a request for more time with us on Father's Day. Perfectly acceptable request. And then...he revealed what we'd be watching. The Perfect Stranger, my dinner with Jesus.

The first conversation about the plans was between my husband and his father....and DH said that he said back to him, "well, we can talk about the movie we'll watch later".....and my FIL then came right back, "No! That's the movie I want, and it's Father's Day, and that's what we're watching!" DH kind of chuckles, said his father was "wound up" about this...then gets off the phone. Keep in mind....we're in our mid-50s. DH tells me about the convo, we look up this movie and it's straight up christian propaganda. It would be a movie to show teens in a CCD setting, or for super religious people....to reinforce their beliefs, or I suppose...to show heathens like his son and DIL to try and flip us...lol.

We talked it over and came to the conclusion that he's near the end of his own life, thinking about his wife and where he believes she is...or soon will be (heaven), and about himself joining her, and I guess...thinking that he'd better turn us into believers too...before he passes. We decided that all of this is fine, and we said we'd just sit through this horribly produced/awful movie...for him. But, my DH said that it's a movie designed to promote discussion, and so he wanted to clear up the motive behind the movie choice....before we got there to get the discussion part out of the way. And that since his father is pushing the issue, he needed to be honest with him....that he's not going to lie about believing in Jesus at the end of this movie. I said..."he knows we're not believers, how could he possibly think otherwise". And on this...I'm adamant...he's have to be just utterly oblivious to have thought otherwise...for the last 28 years that I've been around. The only time I've ever been to church with my in-laws....is for funeral masses. Never for any holiday....ever.

I was present for the "bru-haha" conversation....it was on speaker. I did not speak, but heard it all while I was cleaning up in the kitchen. DH confirms time we'll be there, FIL says great, and then tries to nail down the movie. DH says, we'll watch it but..."what's the thinking behind the movie choice." FIL says, "it's a wonderful movie, you'll love it, it's not religious". And that's when DH pushes back...to say, of course it's religious. FIL says....no it's not, and DH then says, "Dad, you know we don't believe in all of that, so why are you doing this now?" And FIL shouts back..."what did you say?!? Are you saying that you don't believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!?! (he's shouting). DH says...."Dad, you know that.". FIL...."Where do you think you're going when you die?". DH: "Nowhere, I'm just going to die and go nowhere.". FIL: "You and (insert my name) must repent!!" DH, "Dad....why are you doing this now? Let's talk about that." FIL: "Forget it!! We don't have to watch the movie!! Don't even bother coming!!!" And hangs up.

I give my husband all the credit in the world. He let this roll off his back and said to me....standing in the kitchen with my mouth open...."I'll give him time to cool off and call him tomorrow." Me..."okay"....just letting him handle it. FIL called back later that evening, apologized for hanging up (but the the "you're going to hell part") and said dinner is back on...no movie. My husband accepted the apology, and we are going. But then....*I* got pretty peeved over all of it.

My FIL is a good man and I respect him, but he's not someone who I'd consider a deep thinker. He just accepts his religion at face value. We've always respected that. But now he's greatly disrespected *us*. That my husband's own father could look at his son, who is an extraordinary human being....and actually believe that his god would send him to hell.....well, I mean, if that doesn't perhaps make you take a deeper look at your religion, I'm not sure what would. However, we will go and spend time with him on Father's Day, and show him something that I believe is pretty big in chhisitianity.....it's called grace.

This story is very familiar to a lot of families. With the older generation believing what they were told and can not come to terms that their children or grandchildren not believing. They were brainwashed into believing all of this nonsense and they are scared now that their loved ones are going to perish in an eternal hell. That kind of lie and manipulation should be illegal. And you ask them, are you sure that you are praying to the right god because there are thousands of them. How do they know that they are not going to go to a different god's version of hell for not believing in that one?
The whole thing is so farcical that I just can not wrap my head around how anyone, in this day and age especially, can still believe in all of that.
This is why critical thinking should be taught in schools. Everyone should question what they are being told. My family is Catholic and we were sent to a Catholic elementary school. So I get the whole indoctrination thing. But even as a very young child, all of this sounded like a pile of doodoo to me. My rational brain kept telling me that this can't possibly be real because it made no sense. And when I asked questions, they were met with condescension and anger that I would dare to question what I was being told. SMH

 

[brockash]

It's super creepy. And one of many reasons that we chose not to marry in a Catholic Church....the biggest of which is that we're non-believers. I have a story...a bit long, so apologies, but it's been weighing heavily on my mind/heart since it happened earlier this week.

A big religious "bru-haha" has just occurred in my family....between my husband and his father....I was referenced in the whole thing as well. DH and I are lapsed-catholics and don't practice any religion. However, his parents were/remain devout catholics. To the degree that they believe in Adam and Eve, the rib, the ark....the whole shabang. His mother passed in November, and so his very healthy 91 year old father is his only parent. Over the years, we never discussed religion. We always respected *their* religion in that....it's the way they've chosen to live their lives and we respect that. They have always known that we do not go to church and that we're not religious people. One of the reasons that we chose a destination wedding was that neither of us wanted to be married in a catholic church. So, we found some pastor on the internet, literally just "because" it was between a justice of the peace and the other deal.....we spoke about what he'd say ahead of time and let's just say...it was very light on religion.

Now we jump forward 25 years..... to this last week in discussing plans for Father's Day. We initially planned on taking him out to dinner, but he said he'd like to eat at home since it's busy on Saturdays in restaurants. Ok fine, we'll bring dinner. Then he says that after dinner he'd like for us to stay and watch a movie with him. Also fine....not a request he's ever made before, but I read it as a request for more time with us on Father's Day. Perfectly acceptable request. And then...he revealed what we'd be watching. The Perfect Stranger, my dinner with Jesus.

The first conversation about the plans was between my husband and his father....and DH said that he said back to him, "well, we can talk about the movie we'll watch later".....and my FIL then came right back, "No! That's the movie I want, and it's Father's Day, and that's what we're watching!" DH kind of chuckles, said his father was "wound up" about this...then gets off the phone. Keep in mind....we're in our mid-50s. DH tells me about the convo, we look up this movie and it's straight up christian propaganda. It would be a movie to show teens in a CCD setting, or for super religious people....to reinforce their beliefs, or I suppose...to show heathens like his son and DIL to try and flip us...lol.

We talked it over and came to the conclusion that he's near the end of his own life, thinking about his wife and where he believes she is...or soon will be (heaven), and about himself joining her, and I guess...thinking that he'd better turn us into believers too...before he passes. We decided that all of this is fine, and we said we'd just sit through this horribly produced/awful movie...for him. But, my DH said that it's a movie designed to promote discussion, and so he wanted to clear up the motive behind the movie choice....before we got there to get the discussion part out of the way. And that since his father is pushing the issue, he needed to be honest with him....that he's not going to lie about believing in Jesus at the end of this movie. I said..."he knows we're not believers, how could he possibly think otherwise". And on this...I'm adamant...he's have to be just utterly oblivious to have thought otherwise...for the last 28 years that I've been around. The only time I've ever been to church with my in-laws....is for funeral masses. Never for any holiday....ever.

I was present for the "bru-haha" conversation....it was on speaker. I did not speak, but heard it all while I was cleaning up in the kitchen. DH confirms time we'll be there, FIL says great, and then tries to nail down the movie. DH says, we'll watch it but..."what's the thinking behind the movie choice." FIL says, "it's a wonderful movie, you'll love it, it's not religious". And that's when DH pushes back...to say, of course it's religious. FIL says....no it's not, and DH then says, "Dad, you know we don't believe in all of that, so why are you doing this now?" And FIL shouts back..."what did you say?!? Are you saying that you don't believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!?! (he's shouting). DH says...."Dad, you know that.". FIL...."Where do you think you're going when you die?". DH: "Nowhere, I'm just going to die and go nowhere.". FIL: "You and (insert my name) must repent!!" DH, "Dad....why are you doing this now? Let's talk about that." FIL: "Forget it!! We don't have to watch the movie!! Don't even bother coming!!!" And hangs up.

I give my husband all the credit in the world. He let this roll off his back and said to me....standing in the kitchen with my mouth open...."I'll give him time to cool off and call him tomorrow." Me..."okay"....just letting him handle it. FIL called back later that evening, apologized for hanging up (but the the "you're going to hell part") and said dinner is back on...no movie. My husband accepted the apology, and we are going. But then....*I* got pretty peeved over all of it.

My FIL is a good man and I respect him, but he's not someone who I'd consider a deep thinker. He just accepts his religion at face value. We've always respected that. But now he's greatly disrespected *us*. That my husband's own father could look at his son, who is an extraordinary human being....and actually believe that his god would send him to hell.....well, I mean, if that doesn't perhaps make you take a deeper look at your religion, I'm not sure what would. However, we will go and spend time with him on Father's Day, and show him something that I believe is pretty big in chhisitianity.....it's called grace.

The father is 91? I think given his age you just have to understand he's probably not all there anymore and let those kind of comments go/let him think whatever he wants to. It's nice that you both are able to go and spend time with him on Fday. I just wouldn't even get into anything. He could tell me the sky was purple and I'd just say how pretty. Good luck!

 

[mjkacmom]

The father is 91? I think given his age you just have to understand he's probably not all there anymore and let those kind of comments go/let him think whatever he wants to. It's nice that you both are able to go and spend time with him on Fday. I just wouldn't even get into anything. He could tell me the sky was purple and I'd just say how pretty. Good luck!

I agree, my IL’s are 95, whatever they may do or say, they get a free pass. My dad had Alzheimer’s, he got one as well.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Please be careful that nobody from his church has secretly gotten a hold of him and his finances. A cousin of mine just went through this last year when her remaining parent passed away. In this case, it was her mother who embraced her religion in a very aggressive manner for her last 2 years alive. People from the church coming and going constantly to her condo.

Let's just say there were A LOT of surprises when she died. She had quite a bit to her name. Her will was changed. The church got everything.

We have total oversight of his finances and have had since around 2014, when we realized that their nest egg was much smaller than we'd known. We started helping them out on a monthly basis at that time and also bought them a new car. Now that my MIL has passed, my husband has total access to all finances, set up auto pay, froze credit...etc. And for 91, my FIL is sharp as a tack...completely with it. He knows not to click on links sent to him. We've had two "grandparent scam calls" to him....and he knew to call us first...etc. My husband has trained him well in this regard. When going over CC bills after my MIL died, we did see that he had set up multiple monthly giving campaigns to wounded warriors and some other organization he likes....maybe St. Judes, and so we talked that over and he said it was a mistake on his behalf, so now it's just one monthly donation per group....and it's a small amount. Nobody can scam him without us knowing.....at this point.

 

[dvcgirl67]

The father is 91? I think given his age you just have to understand he's probably not all there anymore and let those kind of comments go/let him think whatever he wants to. It's nice that you both are able to go and spend time with him on Fday. I just wouldn't even get into anything. He could tell me the sky was purple and I'd just say how pretty. Good luck!

Oh no, he's 100% with it....occasionally will tell us a story we've already heard, but I know 40 year olds that do that. He 100% knew what he was doing. He drives, he golfs, belongs to multiple clubs.

Our plan is to go back to doing what we did before, the thing that has worked all of these years....and that's not talking about it. My husband has been joking....."we almost made it".....but not quite.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I agree, my IL’s are 95, whatever they may do or say, they get a free pass. My dad had Alzheimer’s, he got one as well.

Well, it's surely a steep slope once they get into the 90s, but at 91....he's not suffering from any serious dementia. He's what I would call a *remarkable* 91. He takes a statin pill....that's it. He golfs, drives, bowls....he looks and sounds ten years younger than he is.

And, this won't turn into a big to do....but he really did know what he was doing here. He was trying to engage us in watching what pretty much anyone would call a christian propaganda movie. It not only goes into everyone going to hell who doesn't follow the scripture, but also proclaims christianity as the one true religion.....with a side dish of smack down for Islam and Buddhism. Some dinner with Jesus .

 

[dvcgirl67]

This story is very familiar to a lot of families. With the older generation believing what they were told and can not come to terms that their children or grandchildren not believing. They were brainwashed into believing all of this nonsense and they are scared now that their loved ones are going to perish in an eternal hell. That kind of lie and manipulation should be illegal. And you ask them, are you sure that you are praying to the right god because there are thousands of them. How do they know that they are not going to go to a different god's version of hell for not believing in that one?
The whole thing is so farcical that I just can not wrap my head around how anyone, in this day and age especially, can still believe in all of that.
This is why critical thinking should be taught in schools. Everyone should question what they are being told. My family is Catholic and we were sent to a Catholic elementary school. So I get the whole indoctrination thing. But even as a very young child, all of this sounded like a pile of doodoo to me. My rational brain kept telling me that this can't possibly be real because it made no sense. And when I asked questions, they were met with condescension and anger that I would dare to question what I was being told. SMH

Same for my husband, who didn't go to catholic school, but was required to attend church every Sunday, was an alter boy, and also attend church for all of the other holy days that more casual catholics (we call them the C&Eers....christmas and easter) never attend. When my husband was 16, he began to proclaim to his parents that when he turned 18 he would not be going to church anymore. And that's exactly what happened....he turned 18, and stopped going. He told me he would occasionally go if home from college for Christmas and easter, but by then, he was already someone who was greatly questioning his faith and just "going through the motions". He said there was never any push/demand for him to return to church.....they just.....never talked about it, ever. Until literally this last week.

 

[DisneylandFreak2013]

That is what I don't get about that person's responses. It makes total sense to get the child committing these horrible acts out of the house and far away from their victims/siblings. Why would you continue to put your other children in harms way?!? You would be putting the feelings and needs of the one committing the act over the ones being victimized. That just doesn't make any sense!

The part that I don't get about that person is putting or on every...single...post that someone has on here. That is what just doesn't make any sense.

I assume I'm "that person" in your post. I'm curious on where I said that I don't agree with the abuser/molester being out of the home? Seriously, I'm very curious because it seems like several posters read into my post more than what was actually said which is typical for those who refuse to hear anything they disagree with.

Also I'm curious where I said that the feelings and needs of the molester should come over the ones being victimized? The posts that I disagree with are the ones that could care less whether their child lived or died and that somehow the people advocating for looking at the situation from more than just face value are somehow delusional or wrong. Most people don't want to think about what it would be like to be in this scenario. It's so easy to say that you would be fine with dropping your kid off at the police station and then all of your worries are gone. That chapter is done, you went from 2 kids down to 1 just like that. You can return to your life and let the state take over custody of your child that you raised to do something so horrific. Not my problem or responsibility anymore! Let the state deal with my mess. I just could never think like that.

 

[PollyannaMom]

... It makes total sense to get the child committing these horrible acts out of the house and far away from their victims/siblings. Why would you continue to put your other children in harms way?!? You would be putting the feelings and needs of the one committing the act over the ones being victimized. That just doesn't make any sense!

It felt to me like folks were debating two extremes (the Duggars' response vs. "they would be dead to me") when reality would somewhere in the middle.

Maybe my opinion isn't worth much, as I only have one child, but I imagine I would remove the abuser for the safety of the victim, but still feel like I had somehow failed and want to get the removed child help somewhere else.

 

[mumto3girls]

Maybe my opinion isn't worth much, as I only have one child, but I imagine I would remove the abuser for the safety of the victim, but still feel like I had somehow failed and want to get the removed child help somewhere else.

I have three children and think you are spot on. You absolutely must protect the victim but still have an obligation to the other child. I might despise the actions of one of my children but I would always love them and feel a responsibility to them.

 

[snikki]

It felt to me like folks were debating two extremes (the Duggars' response vs. "they would be dead to me") when reality would somewhere in the middle.

Maybe my opinion isn't worth much, as I only have one child, but I imagine I would remove the abuser for the safety of the victim, but still feel like I had somehow failed and want to get the removed child help somewhere else.

I have two kids and this is where I fall. I would protect my child who is a victim but remove and work to get my other child help. Considering a large percentage of children who were abused go onto abuse others I would be digging really deep to find the root of this issue while feeling extremely guilty that I missed something.

I feel that josh was most likely abused himself. It’s not an excuse for his behavior but this should’ve been confronted when this all came to light.

 

[sk!mom]

Please be careful that nobody from his church has secretly gotten a hold of him and his finances. A cousin of mine just went through this last year when her remaining parent passed away. In this case, it was her mother who embraced her religion in a very aggressive manner for her last 2 years alive. People from the church coming and going constantly to her condo.

Let's just say there were A LOT of surprises when she died. She had quite a bit to her name. Her will was changed. The church got everything.

This! When my FIL passed, we discovered that although he had been mostly housebound for the past couple of years, his church pastor made a visit on the first of every month and left with a “tithe” that my FIL could not afford to be giving. How this pastor could take money from someone
Who clearly needed help is astounding.

 

[mom2rtk]

The father is 91? I think given his age you just have to understand he's probably not all there anymore and let those kind of comments go/let him think whatever he wants to. It's nice that you both are able to go and spend time with him on Fday. I just wouldn't even get into anything. He could tell me the sky was purple and I'd just say how pretty. Good luck!

Especially given the recent passing of his life partner.

 

[mjkacmom]

We have total oversight of his finances and have had since around 2014, when we realized that their nest egg was much smaller than we'd known. We started helping them out on a monthly basis at that time and also bought them a new car. Now that my MIL has passed, my husband has total access to all finances, set up auto pay, froze credit...etc. And for 91, my FIL is sharp as a tack...completely with it. He knows not to click on links sent to him. We've had two "grandparent scam calls" to him....and he knew to call us first...etc. My husband has trained him well in this regard. When going over CC bills after my MIL died, we did see that he had set up multiple monthly giving campaigns to wounded warriors and some other organization he likes....maybe St. Judes, and so we talked that over and he said it was a mistake on his behalf, so now it's just one monthly donation per group....and it's a small amount. Nobody can scam him without us knowing.....at this point.

Over gifting to charities is also an early and common sign of dementia, MIL stated over a year ago (plus publishers clearing house merchandise), had to take checks and credit cards away. My dad has been dead for 5 years and I still get the solicitations every single day.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Especially given the recent passing of his life partner.

Obviously, the grief never really ends for him completely, but his wife of 67 years wasn't herself for the last 2-3 years of her life. This death was one that he was praying for near the end....for the last six months or so at least. Nobody wants to watch their partner waste away....in diapers (that he was changing)....confused, can't walk...etc. We don't pray....so he was praying and we were hoping for it. To us...same diff.

And she was much further ahead of him in the aging process, even though she died at 88, and he's 91. Once she hit her late 70s, they couldn't travel anymore. She didn't take care of herself in the same way that he did. He was able to golf and do a lot more in their community. She became increasingly housebound.

I will say that the "heavy grieving" is over.....he's back to himself. And....he's on the hunt for a "lady friend", which we're *all* for....as he needs one. So far no luck on that front....he had his eye on his next door neighbor, but she's a widow her in 70s and isn't interested. There are people in this age bracket move quickly to find a new companion....men in particular. We have always known that he would outlive my MIL and have privately joked that he'd bring a lady friend to the wake.....because we've heard stories about their community....that they move fast.

Another thing that I brought up to my husband and sister-in-law....who have both known the players longer than I have...is this "movie" idea never would have made it to us.... had my MIL still been alive....and lucid. She was smarter than my FIL and would have squashed this idea of his. She would have been afraid that it would have pushed her son (and daughter-in-law) away, even though she was just as much of a hard-core catholic as he is. Most couples balance each other out in this way.....he's a big talker, she was far quieter, like her son that I married. And I would imagine he's had many ideas over the years that she nixed....some of that I've seen happen in real time.

But, as I said....it's not fun to hear your FIL screaming to his son that he's going to hell, but....we also understand that this is really all about him. He's fearful that he's going to die soon and never see us again, as we'll be burning in hell. And so, to us, that is so utterly and completely ridiculous....that we can just move on. It's the non-christian thing to do too.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Over gifting to charities is also an early and common sign of dementia, MIL stated over a year ago (plus publishers clearing house merchandise), had to take checks and credit cards away. My dad has been dead for 5 years and I still get the solicitations every single day.

I hear you, and my brow furrowed at bit when I heard it for sure. This also occurred during the time that he was the primary caregiver for my MIL and so he had a lot on his plate. We keep a very close eye on him now....not just his finances, but his entire life. He's got the medical alert necklace thingy. We're about 40 minutes away, but DH's cousin, who is the oldest of the cousins (DH is the youngest at 54)....is 75, retired in a community with his wife just a few minutes from him. He is meticulous about doctor's appointments.....etc. If he's starting to slip a bit....we're in the super early phases of it. I do appreciate your input for sure.

But as far as finances go....the only thing he's doing is driving my husband a little nuts. He's simply got a lot more time on his hands now and so while he knows that he will never want for anything....as we make sure of that, he's out to save every penny on everything he does/buys. Like, he went to Home Depot to buy all of his plants for the summer (which...he plants himself).....and called my husband in the middle of the day (when he was on a work call) to tell him to thaw his credit right now so he could open up a Home Depot credit card....to save $20....he was at the check-out. That turns into a "Dad....I'm working right now, but we're not going to thaw your credit to open a new CC to save $20".....and him going back at him...."Why would I give Home Depot $20 if I don't have to!!" If you're a Seinfeld fan....think of Frank Costanza at about 75%....that's my FIL. He's straight out of a sitcom.

He also changed up his whole phone/internet/cell phone situation....even though my husband asked him to wait until we got back from our trip to Hawaii when he could help him. He did it anyway....and screwed up all kinds of two factor authentication that DH had in place for him. As I said in a post above....he's interested in meeting a "lady friend", and we hope he finds one because we think it'll settle him down.

It's a new normal that we're all adjusting to I guess. He's got a lot of time on his hands, a bit restless, and more time to "hatch" a lot of ideas...that would have been completely knocked down if my MIL were still here...and lucid.

 

[dvcgirl67]

This! When my FIL passed, we discovered that although he had been mostly housebound for the past couple of years, his church pastor made a visit on the first of every month and left with a “tithe” that my FIL could not afford to be giving. How this pastor could take money from someone
Who clearly needed help is astounding.

That's awful. And I would imagine, not uncommon. My FIL has envelopes that he brings to church every week....he gives $15 a week, which the number he settled on....it's a line item in his budget. DH has alerts on all of his credit cards and checking accounts for any expenditures over $100, so he knows what is happening. We moved his small nest egg out of where they had it (with some "financial advisor" they met at one of those free steak dinners 30 years ago)....and moved it to Vanguard several years back.

One funny thing that we knew about....but not the extent of it.... when MIL died was the amount of "fooling around money" that my FIL had. He'd talked about his "fooling around money" for years, which essentially meant....some money he put aside for himself for things he wanted....like a golf club here or there, but mostly....for betting on horses. He's a little old Italian guy from North Jersey....and he loves betting on the ponies. When MIL passed, he asked us to hold his "fooling around money". We were thinking....it was maybe $500....1,000 bucks. But...it was 18K!!. I guess he was afraid to keep it in the house now that he'd be out and about more. So...we told him to keep 3K for the ponies...and we're holding his 15K....lol.

 

[momz]

I have two kids and this is where I fall. I would protect my child who is a victim but remove and work to get my other child help. Considering a large percentage of children who were abused go onto abuse others I would be digging really deep to find the root of this issue while feeling extremely guilty that I missed something.

I feel that josh was most likely abused himself. It’s not an excuse for his behavior but this should’ve been confronted when this all came to light.

hard to know. Possibly he was abused. But also could be that everything was sexualized. To the point that showing knees was considered exhibitionist type stuff. This family marginalized their girls, taught them to be afraid of everything. While putting their boys on a pedestal, making them 'lord' over everything and teaching them that they have authority over females. All while making the female body something taboo.

We had a neighbor boy who was so incredibly inappropriate that it really scared me. He was the same age as my daughter. They played in the same neighborhood group during elementary school. But when they got to middle school, he got creepy. I found him in our driveway using a lighter to kill ants. Another time he had found a frog, was walking down the street, would throw it on the ground, pick it up and then throw it again. Later, his mom came to our door very upset with us because we had left our garage door open and he stole our grill lighter, he started a fire in metal trash can inside his room. His mother told me that he was using the bathroom in his bedroom closet. We literally sold our house and moved because I thought that he had the potential to harm our daughter, based on some comments he made to her.

Anyway, I don't know that he ever harmed anyone. But around 8th grade, he got kicked out of school. He was sent away to some sort of "camp" type school for boys where he lived full time. His mother told me some of the details about the camp. They had no cell phones, could call home on weekends. No internet except very controlled for school work. When not in school, they had chores to do. The boys did their own cooking, laundry, cleaning their "dorms", bathrooms and classrooms. They saw counselors and a psychiatrist, both individually and in groups. They played sports once all their chores were done. he lived there throughout his entire high school years. Eventually graduating and moving back home.

Since then, he's worked for a friend of their family who flips houses. He does the clean outs when they buy a new property and a lot of the landscape clean up. We see them once a while in the community. But we don't keep up other than social media. Still scared of him.