Seeking help for gay ex- any advice I can give?

[frannn]

I know, seems strange that I would want to help my ex, but we have two teenage DDs together, so his happiness helps their happiness. Anyway, we had been married for about 8 years when things came to a head and I was leaving him, then I found out he was gay and had been cheating, etc etc. I kept this a secret from DDs at his request for many years, until he outed himself a few weeks ago after splitting with his partner of about 13 years (yes, the one he cheated on me with). He currently has other issues which are adding to his sadness of having his relationship split (trouble paying mortgage, etc). He does not have many friends, so he keeps calling me for advice- I would rather he talk to me then him leaning on fragile DDs- they have to deal with his revelation right now, and are feeling overwhelmed with trying to help solve his adult problems (with money, job, etc). He says he is very lonely, so I encouraged him to utilize the internet to find groups he can join or dating ads. Anything else you can recommend?

 

[bsmcneil]

lonely does not necessarily mean he should be dating. he needs to find support groups, friends, etc right now and he needs to make sure he has boundaries that don't become codependant. he could talk to a therapist/minister, etc about problems and he could get out and meet people (book club, business association, etc etc).

 

[ObsessedwithWDW]

I have no advice other than to say that you are a great person to be so supportive of course its for the sake of the children but not everyone says it and DOES IT. Good for you! Be patient and keep an eye on those children as you said they are fragile right now but I think children are very resilient!!!

 

[Viki]

Hmmmm, sounds like he's going through the grief process that ending a long term relationship entails. I'm glad both he and the kids have you. So, make sure you take care of YOU!

 

[nordkin]

You are wonderful for being there for him. He has to work through his breakup the same way you did many years ago. For your daughters I would recommend they become involved with COLAGE. It is a wonderful organization for children of lesbians and gays everywhere. If they do not want to be involved, you can subscribe to their newsletter and leave it laying around. We did this and eventually the kids started to read it and became involved. Good luck to all of you.

 

[vascubaguy]

This is a tough situation. My mother went thru a very similar situation with my father, except she stayed with him for a little while (for the sake of the 3 of us). They were together for around 15 years before she divorced him and he went thru the same problems; however, he did have some networking in the gay community.

The financial aspect is very difficult and tough to offer advice. One way to help with that can be to take on a roommate. Having that extra income can be a great help to offset the cost of the mortgage. Less desirable might be a part-time job, selling the house, or bankruptcy. There are financial advisors that he could speak with at banks or private organizations.

There are many ways he could help with the social aspects. He could volunteer at one of the AIDS crisis centers. In that environment he could meet lots of people in the gay community (as well as straight) and help at the same time. Of course there is also the online communities, but that can be more damaging than helpful sometimes, just depends on how he uses them (gay.com etc). There are probably many people on there which could relate.

Now being a kid that went thru this (and watched my mom go thru this), I had quite a bit of resentment for my father. So much that I didn't even tell him I was gay. When he actually told us (3 boys) that he was gay, it wasn't a big shock to me. My older and younger brother were a little more suprised, but they eventually moved on. I mean he was still our dad and would do anything for us.

In hindsight, I wish I had gotten over the resentment aspect sooner. I mean I don't regret disliking him for what he did, but in some ways I would have liked to have gotten to know some of the people in his "other life" and spent more time with him because now I don't have that opportunity. He died in 2004 in a house fire which was caused by some faulty electrical wiring. He was an amateur handyman and I'm pretty sure he did the electrical work that started the fire. I used to think that if I had only been there to help, I could have made sure he was doing the electrical stuff correctly (I'm just an amateur handyman too, but I had a city electrical inspector spend some time teaching me wiring basics).

Anyway, just some advice for you in working with the kids... just remind them that he's still their dad and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[Viki]

<<Anyway, just some advice for you in working with the kids... just remind them that he's still their dad and it's nothing to be ashamed of.>>
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Thank you for taking the time and the care to share so much of your experience. Wow.