school help/seperation anxiety

[jjj444]

My 6 year old little boy is now having extreme seperation anxiety at school. It came out of nowhere and I am having a hard time knowing what to do. I have sat with him in class the last three days and he is fine after class starts, but getting him in to class and out of the car is a nightmare!!! As soon as we eat lunch(he has afternoon kindergarten) he starts crying and saying he doesn't want to go. Anyone have any experience with this?? Should I have him talk with someone at the school?? Please Help!

 

[DISshopkeeper]

I would be willing to bet something happened at school that upset him. Poor little guy, I know it's hard to deal with. Same thing happened with DD in kindergarten. The teacher insisted it was separation anxiety and I knew darn well it wasn't.

Sorry to say, what we did was finally sell our house, which had been up for sale for 3 years. Pretty much gave it away. New school, "separation anxiety" gone.

Good news: she's graduating college this May and she's fine! Headed off to Disney College Program this Fall.

I hope you find out what's wrong soon. These kinds of things are so hard on both of you...

 

[jjj444]

I thought so too at first, but then the techer told me there has been a few instances of tears in school with him saying he missed his Mom and wanted to go home. Yesterday was horrible, I phsically had to drag him into the classroom and stay with him for about an hour. Once he participates in class he is fine. Anyone else have any experience with this?

 

[java]

If it came out of the blue I would put money on something happened at school. (But also if he's been sick and was home- or if there was an extended break ect. this can happen too)

My daughter went through this at 4. She was a child that loved school. Never had issues. Would happily run into the building. Then all of a sudden the stomach aches started. She didn't want to go. She would cry. I asked at the school. told nothing going on there.

2 weeks later I discovered there was a violent boy in the class. And by violent I mean hitting, biting, sitting on, spitting on pushing kid. I walked in with him sitting on my much smaller daughter.

HELLO! That's the issue! Once I knew what it was I was able to help my daughter handle it. How to avoid him. ect. I was furious with the school. Thankfully there was only a month left so we stuck it out. But none of my other kids ever went there. I thought it was terrible that they couldn't have even said "there is an issue in the class and we are dealing with it"

Has there been anything at home that could have caused the stress in him? Any changes? Any fears? Try to get him to talk to you about it.

 

[java]

oops double post

 

[jjj444]

Since I have been staying in class with him I have a few opportunities to talk with the teacher and she is just as baffled. She did say that he is very popular in class and the boys fight to sit next to him, she even had to create a seating chart because of all the fighting to be next to him. I have asked numerous times if he wants me to switch him to a.m. kindergarten and he says it has nothing to do with the teacher or classmates. He is adament that it is because he misses me and is afraid i won't be there to pick him up. I am really at a loss and dread the hour leading up until school starts. Do you know if elementary schools have counselors??

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I thought so too at first, but then the techer told me there has been a few instances of tears in school with him saying he missed his Mom and wanted to go home. Yesterday was horrible, I phsically had to drag him into the classroom and stay with him for about an hour. Once he participates in class he is fine. Anyone else have any experience with this?

Something is bothering him and you have to find out what it is.

When you ask him why he does not want to stay in the classroom, what does he say?

Have you probed him to figure out why?

Do you have a school counselor on staff to use as a resource?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since I have been staying in class with him I have a few opportunities to talk with the teacher and she is just as baffled. She did say that he is very popular in class and the boys fight to sit next to him, she even had to create a seating chart because of all the fighting to be next to him. I have asked numerous times if he wants me to switch him to a.m. kindergarten and he says it has nothing to do with the teacher or classmates. He is adament that it is because he misses me and is afraid i won't be there to pick him up. I am really at a loss and dread the hour leading up until school starts. Do you know if elementary schools have counselors??

There is your clue. Did you further probe him with what would happen if you were not there to pick him up what would happen and what would he do?

Clearly there is something going on afterschool that is bothering him.

 

[DipsyDoodles]

Since I have been staying in class with him I have a few opportunities to talk with the teacher and she is just as baffled. She did say that he is very popular in class and the boys fight to sit next to him, she even had to create a seating chart because of all the fighting to be next to him. I have asked numerous times if he wants me to switch him to a.m. kindergarten and he says it has nothing to do with the teacher or classmates. He is adament that it is because he misses me and is afraid i won't be there to pick him up. I am really at a loss and dread the hour leading up until school starts. Do you know if elementary schools have counselors??

My sister is currently going through this now with her son who is in the 2nd grade. It's funny because your story sound EXACTLY like my sister's situation. Her son is very popular and the kids always want to sit next to him AND he told her that it is because he misses his mom and is afraid she won't be there to pick him up at the end of the day....weird it's so similar. She now waits by the office to pick him up every day. Before he would have to walk out with all the walkers and then look for her in the crowd of parents waiting across the street. He is perfectly fine about going to school now because he knows his mom will be right there waiting for him. He did see the school's adjustment counselor and I think you should have you son meet with the school's counselor as well. He got to have lunch with the counselor a couple times as well and that made him feel better. Good luck, it's VERY common we have found out. It will pass.

 

[jjj444]

So the school does have a counselor then?? I will talk to the office today. I have never not been there to pick him up or drop him off(I drive him and pick him up from school) so it is not that. I tell him everyday I will be there to pick you up and I will walk you to your class everyday and he isn't going for it. He will tell me whenever something is bothering him in general and I really think he is telling the truth this time with what is bothering him. I can only promise him I will be there with him. So hard to deal with. hope it gets better soon. Thanks for your replies.

 

[smb6]

3 out of 5 of my kids have dealt with extreme seperation anxiety. By the time a child is 4 they should be able to understand you will return and be fine being away from you for school and such; some kids struggle with this past the "normal" age cut-off. With my ds (now 11) when he was in kindergarten we had to make a "plan" with the school because it was so extreme. The school counselor came out to meet us every morning at the school drop off and dragged him in. Me dragging him in just prolonged the experience and then he went even more crazy when I left. This worked for us and he was fine by first grade. BTW- he is now a perfectly well adjusted and social middle schooler.

My youngest ds4 is struggling being away from me this year in pre-k, we are already developing a plan for next year.... It will probably be something similar to what we did with my other son....

The one thing that seems alarming about your ds is that he has suddenly developed this anxiety seemingly out of nowhere... Was he completely fine up until now? If he has been fine from August until now/March- that seems concerning.... One of my kids had a "traumatic" event at school that caused problems for a while.... He was in speech class and he walked from speech to class and the door was locked; he was locked outside of the school and was hysterical! It still bothers me that this happened even though it has been years.... After that he was walked back and forth to class by a teacher.... I have no idea why they were allowing a 5yr old to walk alone (outside of the school especially) to start with.....

I would definately talk to the school counselor; it sounds like it is signifigant enough that it effect his ability to learn so I would seek out help

 

[PrincessKsMom]

My first thought -- find out if someone in his class or in his life has recently lost their mom. Maybe the idea of you not being there is coming from a situation like that. I would also suggest making a plan for him. If, for some reason, I cannot pick you up, here is what will happen.... Give him some power in a situation where things are outside the norm. And he may be too old for this, but my daughter loved the book The Kissing Hand. It's about separation and going off to school.

 

[shirleyb]

If his concern is that you won't be there at the end of the day, can you tell him you will stay at the school for his entire afternoon (just not in his classroom). Maybe you can volunteer to help out in the library or office for a few afternoons and see if he's fine knowing you're there, or if he really needs to have you WITH him. That might give you some clues to his behavior.

I'm not saying you need to spend all afternoon at the school for the rest of the year, but maybe for a few days to see if you can transition his behavior.

 

[Magpie]

Here's something to consider...

Is your son at all aware of the news? Is it ever on when he's around, in earshot or eyesight, in your house? Is there any chance the kids are talking about the news on the playground right now?

Because there's some pretty scary stuff going on in the world right now.

There's earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes and the thread of a nuclear meltdown in Japan. There's civil war in Libya and airstrikes and planes going down. There was a big earthquake in New Zealand. There was a revolution in Egypt!

I know when my son was six, this kind of thing made him pretty twitchy. Especially when the news would feature traumatized orphans, and bloodied children, and women in refugee camps, crying for their dead husbands and brothers. Even when you try not to let your children see the news, the stress still comes through. They hear adults talking, and they talk about it with each other. Your son might not understand how far away all these tragedies are, or how safe HE is.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

This happened to my niece when she was in kindergarten, but there was a death in the family. If he has not experienced someone dieing, maybe someone in the class has. Or, maybe even someone's mom forgot to pick him/her up and your DS heard about it. ?

They did do counseling with my niece, but it was her brother that died so even if she hadn't had separation anxiety, there was a lot of pain for her.

 

[EdiePA]

We went through this with DS#2. It started in the first grade, probably because of some stress in our lives -- his grandpa had a heart attack and his grandma had breast cancer. His school didn't have a counselor, so we invited a counselor friend over for dinner. He talked to my son, reassured my then husband and I that we were doing everything fine.

The next day my son went to school with no problem. When I asked why, he said because we cared enough to find someone to help.

Then, in the fifth grade, separation anxiety reared its ugly head again. This time, I found a psychologist for him. This wonderful therapist taught him relaxation techniques that my son still uses today. (He's 26.)

Check with the school, find a counselor and help him get the tools that he needs.

Edie

 

[golfgal]

The teacher may not be aware of what might have transpired. To have a sudden onset of this usually means "something" happened. That might have been a classmate telling him a story about how he got left somewhere and the teacher might not have any idea that happened. He could have had a dream one night about being left at school alone. You never know with kids.

I DO know that you staying in class is not helping the situation. He has stated that he is afraid you will not come back-but you need to prove that to him by leaving and coming back.

 

[ccgirl]

Here's something to consider...

Is your son at all aware of the news? Is it ever on when he's around, in earshot or eyesight, in your house? Is there any chance the kids are talking about the news on the playground right now?

Because there's some pretty scary stuff going on in the world right now.

There's earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes and the thread of a nuclear meltdown in Japan. There's civil war in Libya and airstrikes and planes going down. There was a big earthquake in New Zealand. There was a revolution in Egypt!

I know when my son was six, this kind of thing made him pretty twitchy. Especially when the news would feature traumatized orphans, and bloodied children, and women in refugee camps, crying for their dead husbands and brothers. Even when you try not to let your children see the news, the stress still comes through. They hear adults talking, and they talk about it with each other. Your son might not understand how far away all these tragedies are, or how safe HE is.

This is EXACTLY what I was going to say. Kids pick up things they hear. My DD happened to hear about all the layoffs and foreclosures and she was having anxiety we were going to lose our home. This was two years ago when she was in 1st grade. I spoke to her teacher and she was of the belief that a child that age should not be watching the news. It is very traumatic for them and tough to process.

Just an idea.

 

[ardig123]

I hate to even admit this...but for 2 years of preschool and 1 year of kindergarten I let my DD believe that I was waiting for her outside in the car when she was in school. She had extreme separation anxiety and it was the only way I could get her to stay at school. At some point in kindergarten I think she started to realize that I did not stay the entire time...I would tell her that sometimes I ran home to use the potty, eat lunch, etc...just to ease her into the idea that I was not there. Now this year in first grade we have not had issues and she has not asked if I wait for her in the car. I am always very careful to be waiting at the door for pickup early and I drop her off at school at the last minute so she does not have a lot of time to really stress.

My DH had extreme sep. anx. when he was a child...his mother made 2 sets of car keys and left one set with him while he was at school...he had no idea she had another set of keys and would leave everyday...but this made him feel safe and like she was waiting.

I think that sometimes kids can hear or see things that bother them and they do not even realize or understand what they are...it could be something on t.v. or that they hear their friends say...this could be why he is not telling you...he does not understand what is it that is bothering him...news about people lost in Japan could cause these feelings but he is probably not old enough to understand or relate that to you. As far as I know all schools have counselors. Give a call

 

[Momvic5]

My 6 year old little boy is now having extreme seperation anxiety at school. It came out of nowhere and I am having a hard time knowing what to do. I have sat with him in class the last three days and he is fine after class starts, but getting him in to class and out of the car is a nightmare!!! As soon as we eat lunch(he has afternoon kindergarten) he starts crying and saying he doesn't want to go. Anyone have any experience with this?? Should I have him talk with someone at the school?? Please Help!

I have been where you are at! My ds is now 15yrs old, but when he was in grade school, he had anxiety in the mornings. My ds always did very well up until it was time to walk to class. He never refused to get out of the car, but he would cry not wanting to. I hated for him to start his day that way everyday. I talked to his teachers often, and each one said that they were surprised he cried in the mornings because once he was in class, he was fine. He got along well with others and had many friends. Depending on the year, I did different things to help him. One year, I arranged for him to be taken to school with a friend. He enjoyed having a friend in the mornings, and it took his mind off of his nervous feelings. It worked for him. The next school year that arrangement did not work out so I had to take him to school in the mornings, and the crying started again so tried walking him to class. We would arrive at school just as everyone was being released to walk to class. Waiting in the cafeteria with all of the morning chaos made him nervous so I eliminated that by walking him straight from the car to his class. This helped him too but having a friend ride with him in the mornings had the best results. Just having a friend along was enough to redirect his thoughts, and he was able to get out of the car and go to class without any hesitations. My ds fought anxiety for a long time. He still does, but as he has matured, he has been able to make sense of it and do what he knows he needs to do. There is hope - hang in there.