SAHM's - Did you always know ...

[Christine]

But the unintended "smugness" comes in making the assumption that it would be impossible for a working parent to put their children first, to attend school functions, to be the most important figure in their childrens' lives; that it would be some sort of crime for a day care person to witness a child's first step, first smile, etc. That is how some of your posts come across, whether they were meant to come across that way or not.


to everyone!

Denae

I've only lurked on this thread because I am not a SAHM and so I don't feel I can contribute. But I do find the thread interesting. I don't think anyone intentionally made smug remarks, but to a working mom, some of them kind of hurt just a little. I let it roll of my back because I try to look at the intention of the poster rather than their words. Did they mean to sound like that, or were they just typing "on the fly."

I don't remember who said it and it doesn't matter (and I'm not going to quote it), but I read something along the lines of "I decided that I would make my child my FIRST priority." As a working parent, I do understand what she is saying, but I also kind of feel that she probably believes that since I work that *I* might not be making my children my first priority. Does that make sense? She may have not meant that at all, but it just comes across that way. I guess everyone is sensitive about this stuff.

 

[lbgraves]

I didn't really want kids. I was having too much fun with my career & life to settle down and get married so that meant no kids to me. I finished my BA in three years and went on to be accepted into the Naval OCS program for Intel & Russian linguistics. After the cold war ended, the program was cut & I took an honorable discharge and moved into the finance business based on prior job experience. Before that happened, I was a live in nanny for a newborn & 2 yo for 16 months while waiting for my OCS classdate to arrive. The mother was a PM RN which meant that she saw them when she got home in the am & went to bed until dinner time when she ate then went to work. The father was a naval chief stationed on a ship & was gone alot. The mother ended up resenting the bond that I had with both children & I left the family on bad terms. That experience made me realize that if I ever did have a family I wanted to be there to raise the kids so that I wouldn't have to deal with the same issues that their mother had. After I met future DH we talked about our feelings about children & I said that I didn't want to have children until we could afford for me to stay home with them. Now that DH is gone so much I am thankful that I am able to be here for the kids without the stress of having to find last minute child care. I am very involved in their school (room mother for both classes & PTO secretary). We live in a very small community though & the job opportunities are not great here. If/when we move to a larger city with better salary opportunities, I will probably return to the workforce at least on a part time basis. I have nothing but respect for mothers who do have jobs outside the home. I sometimes wonder how in the world I would get everything done if I also had to be in an office 40 hours a week. The ones I know seem to be able to accomplish everything.

 

[Christine]

,The mother ended up resenting the bond that I had with both children & I left the family on bad terms. That experience made me realize that if I ever did have a family I wanted to be there to raise the kids so that I wouldn't have to deal with the same issues that their mother had.

See, that just sounds like a very insecure woman there.

My kids have been in some sort of daycare since they were about 3 months old. The first woman who took care of my DD (for 4 years) was the sister of my hairstylist. She was an "off the boat" Italian woman who had raised 6 of her own children. She loved my DD and my DD adored her in return. My DD often called her "Mama Tullia" and I had no problems with it--in fact, I was so happy that my child had someone who she had a deep connection with that was watching her all day. It was wonderful and there was no way in *heck* that I could have EVER resented this woman. I'm sure my DD had a lot of "firsts" with her also. She always shared it all with me and I always saw the "firsts" that same day--so they WERE "firsts" for me.

Maybe I'm too laid back/easy going--but I just don't get all this drama about "my babies bonding with someone else" or "missing their firsts". You don't miss ANYTHING and there is nothing wrong with kids having strong bonds with more than their parents--I think it's healthy--kind of like the old days with the extended families. You can't ever have "too many" people who care about you.

I feel sorry for that woman that you were a nanny for.

 

[Beth76]

I don't remember who said it and it doesn't matter (and I'm not going to quote it), but I read something along the lines of "I decided that I would make my child my FIRST priority." As a working parent, I do understand what she is saying, but I also kind of feel that she probably believes that since I work that *I* might not be making my children my first priority.

But, it's quite possible that in that person's job her work would have to take priority over her family. All jobs are different. Not everyone can take sick days as needed. Not everyone can take off early to attend an after-school event. Not everyone can be fully available to their children when they work. People with those jobs then see it as a struggle between family and work. If you're a working parent who can easily adjust your schedule to mesh with your children's then that's fantastic. Lucky you. But, not everyone can make that choice as easily.

 

[Christine]

But, it's quite possible that in that person's job her work would have to take priority over her family. All jobs are different. Not everyone can take sick days as needed. Not everyone can take off early to attend an after-school event. Not everyone can be fully available to their children when they work. People with those jobs then see it as a struggle between family and work. If you're a working parent who can easily adjust your schedule to mesh with your children's then that's fantastic. Lucky you. But, not everyone can make that choice as easily.

Yes, I understand that which is exactly why I decide (most of the time) not to let those comments really bother me. Everyone's situation is different and I don't think anyone intentionally makes smug comments. But, the first "gut" reaction when you read them can be "smugness." That's all.

 

[Tiffann4k]

Has it come to the point where we can't even make a statement without offending someone? Can we not say, "I chose this for this reason" and leave it at that without someone else reading all sorts of hidden meanings? I am sick of having to watch every word out of my mouth (or keyboard) because heaven forbid someone else be offended.

 

[Tracey1974]

If we could afford for me to stay home, then by all means I would. We could squeeze by but I don't want to live just scraping by. I work 4 days a week so I am home for 3 days with him and it is what I can handle right now. I wish that I could stay home and feel extremely jealous of those who can. Then I think of the balance I have of working not a full week and still being able to stay home on Fridays and that he is in very good hands with a family member (who we pay) and it does make it better. I can't really ask for a better situation for now.

I often get calls from my sister who is a SAHM offering to trade places with me once in a while so she can have some adult interaction time. I call her asking to trade places so I can get some sleep instead of waking up at 5:15am and out the door by 6:10am.

So yes- I always envisioned myself staying home but reality is a bit different and that is ok too.

 

[briannesmom]

My DD is 2 ½ and I have been a SAHM for a little over 3 months. For us it was because someone else literally was raising our child. I didn’t plan on being a SAHM. DH and I both had relatively high paying jobs in the auto industry. I went back to work when DD was 3 months old and we had the perfect situation. I worked day shift and DH worked afternoons. There was about an hour overlap in our shift times during which DD went to Grandmas. She had mornings with Daddy, an hour in the afternoon with Grandma and nights with Mommy. Fast forward to a year and a half later. Shift reductions and job outsourcing forced us both to transfer (me in June 04 DH in June 05) to a plant about an hour and a half from our home with longer hours and different shift times. 10 hour shifts, 6 days a week, midnight shift meant dropping DD of at 5PM and picking her up at 7AM. By the time we would get home DD was ready to go for the day but all DH and I wanted to do was sleep. We tried sleeping in shifts for a while but that didn’t work. We then started taking turns picking her up around 1 o’clock so we could get a few awake hours with her. Basically, DD was away from home 20 hours a day and only got to sleep in her own bed on Sundays and every third Saturday.
This lasted about 5 months. Both Grandmas were getting burnt out by babysitting and I couldn’t take it anymore so I quit. It is the best decision we ever made. Staying at home is not always easy. I do miss the adult interaction but I love being able to put DD to bed at night and be there when she wakes up in the morning.
Sorry this was so long. I just wanted to put my story out there to show that sometimes when someone says they are a SAHM because they do not want someone else raising their child there is more to the story.

Amy

 

[disykat]

I suppose lots of statements could be seen as smug if you look hard enough.

Here's some examples: "I am not overweight. I like to keep fit and take care of myself." "I got a college degree so I could get a better job." "I work to keep my mind active." "I live near my family because family is important to me". I could go on forever. IMO these are all innocent comments that someone could make, but if people are looking for ways to make them a putdown they certainly can.

If you look hard enough, you can make anything a putdown. Sometimes I think if I post I had a sandwich for lunch, there might be a bunch of people out there thinking "oh, so my salad wasn't good enough?"

 

[beattyfamily]

I guess I always knew deep down I wanted to stay home with my kids, just like my mom did with us.

When I did get pregnant and was on maternity leave, though, I didn't think we could afford my staying home even though my pay would be cut in half due to daycare. But DH convinced me that, with sacrifices, we could do it. So I stopped interviewing daycare providers and gave my notice to work. It was the best decision I ever made.

I can't believe that even this thread can turn into a debate. People are too sensitve.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I've always known that I wanted to be a SAHM. I grew up in the 60's and 70's and my mom worked. Not because she had to but because she wanted to work. As a child I resented it. I felt that she should have been there for us like my friends' mothers. I would have gladly given up the extras as a child to have had my mother at home. JMHO based on personal experience.

Lori

 

[buddy&wooz]

I suppose lots of statements could be seen as smug if you look hard enough.

Here's some examples: "I am not overweight. I like to keep fit and take care of myself." "I got a college degree so I could get a better job." "I work to keep my mind active." "I live near my family because family is important to me". I could go on forever. IMO these are all innocent comments that someone could make, but if people are looking for ways to make them a putdown they certainly can.

If you look hard enough, you can make anything a putdown. Sometimes I think if I post I had a sandwich for lunch, there might be a bunch of people out there thinking "oh, so my salad wasn't good enough?"

Great post! Opinions are just that, opinions, not criticisms of other people.

It's a shame that so often these threads make the turn this one did. There's a kind of backlash-backlash going on now that "SAHMs are hurting 'the movement'" and I think it's sad we can't all just respect each other's decisions and stop the mommy wars already.

 

[C.Ann]

I suppose lots of statements could be seen as smug if you look hard enough.

Here's some examples: "I am not overweight. I like to keep fit and take care of myself." "I got a college degree so I could get a better job." "I work to keep my mind active." "I live near my family because family is important to me". I could go on forever. IMO these are all innocent comments that someone could make, but if people are looking for ways to make them a putdown they certainly can.

If you look hard enough, you can make anything a putdown. Sometimes I think if I post I had a sandwich for lunch, there might be a bunch of people out there thinking "oh, so my salad wasn't good enough?"

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Bingo!!

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

But if you notice, she was careful to say that it was a decision she felt strongly about - not that all women should feel that way. I think you are reading things into people's posts.

Thank you for recognizing that I was only saying what was best for me, and not in any way making a statement for women. I have always made sure to qualify my statements as "I" statements, that I can only speak from my life and not make any judgment outside of my experience.

I was just answering the OP's question, if this had been a thread where thoughts were being posted on issues of choosing between different situations, etc, I would have extended on or qualified that I think being a mom is so much work for all mothers. And that I support the decisions of everyone who is doing the best for them and their families, working or otherwise. That is what is most important.

But that wasn't the topic. It was a topic that asked direct feelings on our personal decisions on what we do, (stay-at home with our children).

Since it's mostly SAHM's answering because of the nature of the topic, it is going to reflect on this particular group.

Hope this makes sense, and clears up any misunderstanding as anything but a personal answer,not a statement or judgment on anyone or anything else.

 

[Miss Kelly]

Thank you all for your candid comments. (Although I didn't mean to start a debate. ) I have always known deep down that being a wife and a mom is what I want/need to be. I have other interests/hobbies, but being a SAHM is what I dream of most. Thanks again!

 

[PaulaSue]

I knew, I was a Nanny before my own.