SAHM's - Did you always know ...

[mrsv98]

Well, I've read this thread from start to finish about four times now, and I still am pretty speechless. When SAHM's have these kinds of discussions, do they not know how offensive and smug they sound, or do they just not care?

Every single stereotypical response I've ever heard about being at home has already come up in this thread. Found my calling, prioritized things differently, just couldn't leave baby with anyone else, knew I couldn't do daycare, why have baby if someone else is raising it - and, of course, got my education but always knew I'd be a mother. As though someone with a child and a job couldn't also be a mother.

Miss Kelly, I hope you get to be a stay-at-home mom, if it's what you want, I really do. I hope you find a partner who feels that it's important, too, and is willing and able to earn your living and secure your future. But if and when you get there, would you try and be one of a new kind of stay-at-home mom, please - one who recognizes that a lifetime is a VERY long time, one who knows that raising children, while an important part of life, isn't all that defines a woman, and one who just might be willing to concede that being a stay-at-home mom is just one of a number of good choices for women? If you 'll do that, then I'll feel as though we really have made some progress.

Wow....defensive much? Not one woman in this thread said her way was THE way, just what was right for HER own family. IMHO, we have come far enough that a woman can choose to stay home without setting the "movement" back.

Right now, my DD "defines" my life. She is the most important thing I have ever done. All that I did before helps me to be the mom I am. DH feels the same way. I look at it this way, in the grand scheme of things, she will live with us and need me 24/7 for a relatively short period of time. There will be years and years after she is grown for me to go back to work. Right now, she is my "job". And what if there aren't years and years? I don't want to have one regret when it comes to DD's childhood.

 

[robinb]

When SAHM's have these kinds of discussions, do they not know how offensive and smug they sound, or do they just not care?

I agree with you. There is a certain amount of smugness here and if people don't see it they're not looking hard enough. HOWEVER ... I think a lot of it is the "Preaching to the Choir" kind of smugness. Like the home schooling parents on their threads. The conservative Christians on their threads. The Lounge Lizards on their threads. The DVC owners ... well you know how we can be!

I backed into being a SAHM. I never wanted to be one, but it worked out for me. I have a degree in Computer Sciences and I have been taking classes at the local Tech College to refresh my resume. I kick butt there so I know that I should have no problem getting a job when I want one. A lot of people do not have that luxury and I am concerned about women who go into life in a SAH Mommy Career track without anything to fall back on. Like many other women they will eventually have an empty nest and nothing to do.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

Stay-at-home moms are so often bashed. There was a recent thread that took many swipes at them.

But no one is doing that here. The OP asked a question that was personal for each person about being a SAHM, so the answers are coming from that experience.

And everything Jenfer said.

 

[MrsKreamer]

If a SAHM said, "This is a choice we made that best suits our family at this time," and left it at that, it would be wonderful. Too often, though, it's followed by something like, "Why have children if someone else is going to raise them?" or any other equally charming barb. It's smug because it implies a rightness that only the SAHM has been able to achieve.
.

Please post a quote from this thread that says that...

 

[DVCLiz]

Wow....defensive much? Not one woman in this thread said her way was THE way, just what was right for HER own family. IMHO, we have come far enough that a woman can choose to stay home without setting the "movement" back.

I think I'll always be defensive when I read these kinds of threads, because I do find them smug, and I'm not even a working mother anymore. I too think women can choose to stay home without setting the "movement" back, but I wish they wouldn't continue to use this hurtful vocabulary to describe their choice.

As far as the economic part of staying at home goes, there are only a few possibilities. Either you worked before you had children and have saved enough to live on while you're at home, you have inherited or other family money, or you married someone who is willing and able to support you. It doesn't take away from the fact that a couple could have made this decision together (and let's hope they did, or there will be some big surprises down the road!) to say that a SAHM is being supported financially by her husband. One poster even said it to Miss Kelly - "You just need to find the right man!" Mrs. Kreamer (I think) I like what you said, "It's humbling, but we are a team." That doesn't take anything away from your decision, but it does acknowledge that a big piece of the stay-at-home puzzle is finding someone who will take on that part of it.

And I didn't intend to "spew venom" - if I had, I'd certainly have worded my post differently. I agree with the poster who said SAHM's hear the other side of the coin. And I don't like those kinds of comments any more than the others. My point is that this language we use to describe our choices is often hurtful, and I wish the "movement" would get a little farther down the road.

 

[DVCLiz]

Also, both DH's mom and my mom were SAHM's when we were growing up. I just felt that why would I have children and then not be the one to raise them.

I don't mean to pick on you personally, Sleeping Beauty, someone asked me to find this quote in this thread.

 

[Ziva]

Not sure if I qualify as a SAHM since I've always had a part time job, nights. Therefore I've never really fit into either category.

As far as a calling to be a SAHM, no never had one. I think I'm a better mom because I have some time to myself every week but it's what works for me, I'd never proceed to judge anyone else for their decision.

 

[disykat]

I don't mean to pick on you personally, Sleeping Beauty, someone asked me to find this quote in this thread.

But if you notice, she was careful to say that it was a decision she felt strongly about - not that all women should feel that way. I think you are reading things into people's posts.

To answer the OP - I always knew I wanted to be a mom and definately hoped to be a SAHM. Although I miss working, the only reason I would have chosen to continue to work would have been financial necessity. (Please notice I talked about my choice with no judgement on the choices of others -implied or otherwise.)

 

[Nancy]

I worked in my own business when DH #1 was born, that lasted until she was 9 months old and I was expecting #2. I quit and was a SAHM for 2 years. Unfortunately finances forced me to head back to work, so I worked at night. I'd go into work at 9pm after the kids were in bed. I came home at 1 or 2 am. So I was home during the day and worked while they slept. I considered myself a SAHM even though I worked pt. I worked until I was about 7 months pregnant with #3 and stayed home till she was 8 months old. Again I worked late nights. That lasted 4 years...and then finances once again forced me to up my working hours. I went FT and worked the overnight shift from 10:30 till 6 am. The kids were in school by this time so I slept while they were in school. I now work FT days or nights depends on what they need. The girls are all teens now....if I had my way and if I could win the lottery I would be a SAHM in a heartbeat. I hated not being there all the time for my girls. I hate not being there now even though they are teens.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

DVCLiz,

The title of the thread was directed at SAHM's, not at mom in general, so first of all I didn't know that I needed to temper my response for working moms, second of all I just said my honest response, and third of all, I did not bash working moms. We made choices that worked out best for our families.

 

[DVCLiz]

DVCLiz,

The title of the thread was directed at SAHM's, not at mom in general, so first of all I didn't know that I needed to temper my response for working moms, second of all I just said my honest response, and third of all, I did not bash working moms. We made choices that worked out best for our families.

Tigger&Belle, your post was completely respectful to anyone reading this thread (remember that even though a thread might be aimed at a specific group, many others are reading and might respond.) It sounds like your choice has been made thoughtfully, and I'm happy for you. I'm also happy you could explain yourself so well, and that you refrained from some of the hurtful language others use.

Now I'm off to deal with one of the less pleasant aspects of the stay-at-home mom's workload - the vomiting-in-the-middle-of-the-night child!!!

 

[EthansMom]

No, I grew up knowing that I would go to college and have a career. My old friends will tell you that I was convinced that I would have the career and be a great mom -- which I still believe is possible.

However, DH and I put off having our first DC until we had a bit of financial stability so that we would have more choices (and one of us could be a SAHP if we wanted). When I was pregnant with DS, DH was working 10 hour days and I was working 9 hour days with a 1 hour commute, each way. We felt that we either needed to get a nanny, work a split schedule, or one of us needed to stay home. I stayed home and have been very happy with that decision.

Like other posters have said, in our area (somewhat affluent community), most SAHMs are well educated and were career women before having children. In fact, about 80-90% of moms of young children in this small town are SAHMs.

 

[froglady]

No! Absolutely not!

If you had talked to the 20-something Robin she would have laughed at the mere thought of having a child.

The 30-something Robin would tell you that her career is just as important as her husband's career and that any child (should there be one) would go to day care and Robin would go back to work ASAP.

I was a computer consultant bringing in 65K per year when I became pregnant. I had my DD when I was 38 after 6 months of being on bed rest and I had 6 months planned with her before I was to go back to work. That never happened.

The 40-something Robin was supposed to go back to work when her DD started 1st grade. That was in September ...

Sometimes things don't go as they are planned.

Omit the part about your career, and add that the 20 something froglady vowed never to marry because she didn't want to compromise for anyone, forget the kids part, and we could be twins.

Never mind 1st grade, my youngest is in 7th and I'm still at home. (and less than a decade from 'retirement, so unlikely to go back to work) However, DM is growing backwards (she's becoming less independent and more childlike) so no empty nest for me.

 

[mrsltg]

I'm not a SAHM mom but we are starting to consider it. I have a 5 y.o. and an 8 month old. I would like to have another baby and plan to ttc around this time next year. Can anyone point me toward some good resources/advice on how to go about figuring out finances? Most people say "redo your budget without your salary". I think that's too simplistic. For instance, we pay about $20k for daycare now, not to mention clothes, dry cleaning, lunches, coffee, SHOES (don't know how much that expense would change as I need shoes - lots of shoes), gas, difference in taxes, etc. Also, what about my 401k? Would I have to take that over privately? Is there a tax penalty attached? It's all so confusing!!!

Thanks for any advice!!!

Erin

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Now I'm off to deal with one of the less pleasant aspects of the stay-at-home mom's workload - the vomiting-in-the-middle-of-the-night child!!!

OH, no, I'm sorry! My 6yo had a stomach bug about a month ago that I detailed on the DIS ( ) and the mess was terrible. A few days ago I still found splatterings in my bathroom. So gross!

 

[Tiffann4k]

I did as soon as I got pregnant with #1.

Edited my post so no one would flame me for my choices or decisions, its too bad we have to watch what we say about OUR OPINIONS / CHOICES we feel are the BEST for OUR children

 

[tinaluis]

I didn't always know and, in fact, I don't stay home with our kids. DH does! It just sort of worked out that way. I was working at a job I loved for a boss who treated me very well. DH was working for a horrible company that made promises they never kept. It was pretty much a no-brainer for us. When we decided to have our third child, we decided that DH would stay home with them full-time. (In the past, I'd worked a split schedule -- 2 days at the office, 3 days at home). Of course, there are some relatives and neighbors who think DH stays home with our girls because he can't hold down a job. It makes me chuckle. They wouldn't bat an eye if it were a woman staying at home, but they think he's somehow less of a parent because he's at home. (In fact, it makes him more of a parent, IMO, because he deals with EVERYTHING!) Fortunately, he doesn't care too much about what others think and we do what's best for our family.

Good luck to you OP. If staying home is what you want, then I hope it works out for you.

 

[mickeyboat]

I have to jump in the defend Liz a bit. I am sure no one has set out to condemn working mothers. I am sure everyone can agree that their choice not to work was made for their own families in their own circumstances. It was the right choice for your family, but may not be the right choice for someone else.

But the unintended "smugness" comes in making the assumption that it would be impossible for a working parent to put their children first, to attend school functions, to be the most important figure in their childrens' lives; that it would be some sort of crime for a day care person to witness a child's first step, first smile, etc. That is how some of your posts come across, whether they were meant to come across that way or not.

If someone started a thread about why working parents chose to work, there would be responses like "so I can help provide a comfortable environment for my children, so my spouse doesn't have to work all the time to support us, so I can reap the benefits of my hard work getting my degree, so I can fully support myself if something were to end my marriage." And those comments might seem smug to a SAHP.

There are benefits and drawbacks no matter what choice we make.

It's too bad that our society and our community make it so difficult to feel good about our choices. Working mothers feel guilty for not being there every moment of their child's lives, SAHP's feel guilty about not contributing financially to their households or not using their degrees. All we can do is make the best choice we can, and support one another the best we can.

to everyone!

Denae

 

[Christine]

Also, what about my 401k? Would I have to take that over privately? Is there a tax penalty attached? It's all so confusing!!!

Thanks for any advice!!!

Erin

Erin, you could leave it with your current company forever (but you could not make contributions) or you could roll it into an IRA and continue your contributions.

I would take your net salary, subtract your daycare, SHOES, and any other work-related expenses. See what you are left with. That is what is going toward maintaining your household. Can you do without it? Or just take all your expenses that you would still have if you quit work, and see how they fit with your DH's net pay.

 

[mrsv98]

I have to jump in the defend Liz a bit. I am sure no one has set out to condemn working mothers. I am sure everyone can agree that their choice not to work was made for their own families in their own circumstances. It was the right choice for your family, but may not be the right choice for someone else.

But the unintended "smugness" comes in making the assumption that it would be impossible for a working parent to put their children first, to attend school functions, to be the most important figure in their childrens' lives; that it would be some sort of crime for a day care person to witness a child's first step, first smile, etc. That is how some of your posts come across, whether they were meant to come across that way or not.

If someone started a thread about why working parents chose ot work, there would be responses like "so I can help provide a comfortable environment for my children, so my spouse doesn't have to work all the time to support us, so I can reap the benefits of my hard work getting my degree, so I can fully support myself if something were to end my marriage." And those comments might seem smug to a SAHP.

There are benefits and drawbacks no matter what choice we make.

It's too bad that our society and our community make it so difficult to feel good about our choices. Working mothers feel guilty for not being there every moment of their child's lives, SAHP's feel guilty about not contributing financially to their households or not using their degrees. All we can do is make the best choice we can, and support one another the best we can.

to everyone!

Denae

Again, is there ANYONE in this thread that said anything about working moms? No where did I or anyone that I can see say anything about working parents or their ability to parent. My DSis is a working mom and my nephew always went to daycare and then before and after care. This was the right choice for DSis and her family. No "statement" no flames, no "smugness".

Has it come to the point where we can't even make a statement without offending someone? Can we not say, "I chose this for this reason" and leave it at that without someone else reading all sorts of hidden meanings? I am sick of having to watch every word out of my mouth (or keyboard) because heaven forbid someone else be offended.

Each person/family makes a choice for her/his own family. That doesn't mean she/he is condeming anyone else's choice. I think we would all be much better off if we stopped looking for ways to be offended and just lived our lives. *steps off soap box*