SAHM Vent

[HelenePA]

Wow, so if your kid is sick or you are on vacation, they in trouble.

that's how it was with me until I put a stop to it this last summer.. it was terrible. people would assume I'd just be home and willing to watch their kid (kids) whenever they needed. I can remember at least twice where parents were mad at me when I had plans

 

[mefordis]

Mainly during the summer but yes, some parents have had to scramble and been quite put out when I was unavailable for whatever reason.

I guess because I have a car that only seats 3 people in the back I haven't been asked to carpool much.

 

[Mkrop]

I am extremely proud, where did I say I wasnt. I still dont think it is anyone's business what I or the working mom does all day with her time.



Based on the people I see in carline, many people around here have grandparents that help out. This also occurs for dropoff at sports. Most sports around here start at 5:30ish. So you see GPs and babysitters dropping off and parents picking up. A good friend of mine works full time at a university. She hired someone specifically to drive her kids to their activities afterschool and kept the one in daycare.



I guess I dont see why this if offensive. You are either getting help or hiring help to do stuff for your family/children. Some of us chose not to do that and do it ourselves. Our school has aftercare, homework is done there and help is offered. So those parents are not helping with the math problem, the aftercare worker is. In my house I am the one helping with the math problem after school. ( except with some of this Common Core stuff, but that is another thread) ) Or like my friend who hired the driver, she delegated that resposibility for her children to someone else, in my house that all falls on me. You are the parent, you are the decision maker, but in many instances you ARE delegating childcare things to others whether it is family or hired services.

I requoted myself...did you miss this part of the post. I stated you are the parent and the decision maker.

Post #139. I know you didn't say it, but you quoted it and said you didn't see why it was offensive. You bolded the whole thing. The "single guiding influence" and "utmost importance". If all you meant was the delegating part, then I agree, that's not offensive. I was a day care kid and my mom was and is the single most guiding influence in my life. I'm offended for my mom, she's awesome! She worked because she had to.

And yes I bolded the whole thing bc I didnt get PeaNMe's connection btw delegating and the rest of her post implying that you wouldnt be the most influential person in the child's life. I asked why she would be offended when she is delgating bc in fact she IS and so are other working moms, things that myself personally are not delegating. As U2Rocks put it there is difference btw childcare and child rearing. You (general) as a working parent are delegating certain things that other parents choose not to, if you get implications from that maybe that is on you(general)

 

[kaytieeldr]

Bolded. If this is how you truly feel, and you are spending more time with other people's children instead of your own, it's time to stop or at least find a less demanding job. You should never put strangers children before your own.

Where did "spend more time with..." come from? Whatever the reason that poster works, she'd still have to sacrifice time with her own child(ren) no matter what the actual job. I feel safe surmising this one allows her to use her own education to its fullest.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

I have been a SAHM out of necessity, and I admit to being a little jealous of working moms. DH was active duty military, deployed about a third of the time, constantly moving, no family within thousands of miles and sometimes living places where I knew not one single person.

I used to be very touchy about the SAHM vs. WM debate, but after all these years I no longer care what anyone thinks of me and my choices. Do what's best for your family.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

And yes I bolded the whole thing bc I didnt get PeaNMe's connection

Sorry, I can't post effectively from my phone.

Yes, I answered your question in post 144, but here it is again.

Other posters also answered it in a different way. All good.

Because it implies/assumes/declares that working moms are subrogating their parental "influence".

My original response was to quandrea's post about influence.

 

[mickeyboat]

My mom stayed home and years later, my brother, now thirty, thanked her for always being there. He said the simple security of her being home was priceless.

Your mom staying home and your brother's sense of security are not mutually exclusive.

 

[Acklander]

Sometimes the truth feels offensive, but it's still the truth
Someone who makes being there for their child their first priority, and someone who leaves their child with someone else for many hours a day while doing a job so they can feel fulfilled as a person.
One puts the child first, the other puts their own wishes first.
I'm not talking about women who have no choice because they wouldn't be able to make ends meet if they didn't work. I'm talking about the women who decide child care is acceptable because they themselves don't want to stay home with their child because they need to be fulfilled by a career.

Wow. Do you feel the same way about men who work? That they don't consider their children a priority in their lives because they also have a job?

 

[quandrea]

Your mom staying home and your brother's sense of security are not mutually exclusive.

For him it was her being home that made him feel totally secure. He said so himself. May not be the same in your case but for him they were mutually exclusive.

 

[mefordis]

For him it was her being home that made him feel totally secure. He said so himself. May not be the same in your case but for him they were mutually exclusive.

I remember I preferred to have my mom home. She went to work when I was about 9 or 10 years old. However, I think going to work gave her self confidence. I noticed a change in her, maybe even happier. She liked having the extra spending money, too. She started buying things for herself instead of just us.

 

[ilovefh]

I hope I don't offend anyone but who cares what someone chooses to do for their family?

If a parent staying at home works for them, great! If both parents working works for then, great!

We've done both and both work for us in different ways.

I had DS in May and was lucky enough to not have to go back to school until August so that gave 3.5 months home with him. He went to the daycare on Disney property. I was happy with it. I left him there at 7:30 and picked him up around 5:30 or 6. The downfall was it was a decent size center and was open long hours so the person I dropped him off to was not necessarily the same person I picked him up from. They also had 4
infant rooms and they would condense them into one or two rooms as kids left so I would leave him in room one but pick him up from another room. This was hard because if I asked something like "did he spit up today?" they wouldn't know because they had just gotten him.

With the long hours I was able to stay after school and get a lot of work done so my nights and weekends were more relaxed.

When my husband left Disney we had to find another daycare. We ended up going with an in home place. She was wonderful. She only had 4 kids at a time. The downfall was she was only open until 4:30 and we got out at 4:10 so I literally packed my stuff up, walked my students to the bus and left. I was taking the majority of my planning and grading home with me. That made for some long nights because 2 hours of work alone in my classroom was equivalent to 3-4 hours at home with a child underfoot.

At the time I calculated the hours and DS was spending more awake time at daycare than with me. I did feel like I was spending time with other people's kids while mine was at daycare.

I stayed home for 3 months this winter and as a family we loved it. Both DH and I felt less stressed. I was able to spend time cooking good, healthy, fresh meals because I had more time. No one had to take sick days when DS was sick.

We've decided that I'll stay home this year. It just works better for us. I don't have to worry about taking time off to drive 1.5 hours to the neurologist or to DS's IEP meetings. I don't have to worry about who will drop off and pick up DS 2 times per week at preschool. We've also noticed that DS's speech has improved a lot this summer and we think it is partly from being home one on one vs. being in daycare and being one of 8.

I'll also be watching my 5 month old nephew for the year too.

It will also allow me to be home to support DH when he has gastric bypass surgery in in October and is out for 6 weeks.

In exchange for these benefits our budget will be tighter which means no eating out and DH will have to scale back on his rc car hobby. It also means that the old drafty windows on the house we're buying won't be replaced for 2 years. Our vacations will also be greatly cut back.

But for us, these things are worth it, at least for this year. We'll reevaluate things next spring.

But just because one thing works for us doesn't mean it works for everyone, so what right do I have to judge what works for them? And truthfully, I may find myself back in the classroom next year.

 

[Tinkermommy]

Good grief. Can't we all just support each other?

I trust people to do what's right for their family and I would hope they trust me to make decisions that are right for my family.

OP, the only comment you need to address is your husband's. That would con ern me if he is asking that question. I would sit down and discuss this with him to make sure we are both clear on expectations.

 

[Coonhound]

Do you homeschool? Or leave your children for many hours a day . . .

Yes! We do homeschool.

 

[Coonhound]

Oh, but I'm a teacher and people do ask what I do all day. In fact, it is so common to ask what I do all day that they're revamping the evaluation process in many states "to hold us more accountable". Meanwhile, I'm sacrificing time with my own child to educate the children of others. If it's okay to question what I do all day, why is it not okay to question what you do all day? I am in the same camp as most of these other working moms. I work a 10 hour day with a 2 hour commute and still manage to cook, clean, shower, do laundry, and spend time with my kid.

Hang on, you have a 10 HOUR workday with a 2 HOUR commute and when you get home you still do the cooking, cleaning , laundry etc.
And spend time with your child?
Assuming your child is in school (or daycare) for 8 hours a day (possibly 10-12 hours a day if you are not home yet) and sleeps for 8-10 hours a night....when in the world are you spending time with your child???
It just doesn't seem possible. Your child must be spending a lot more time with teachers and babysitters. I mean there aren't enough hours in the day.

 

[mom2rtk]

Hang on, you have a 10 HOUR workday with a 2 HOUR commute and when you get home you still do the cooking, cleaning , laundry etc.
And spend time with your child?
Assuming your child is in school (or daycare) for 8 hours a day (possibly 10-12 hours a day if you are not home yet) and sleeps for 8-10 hours a night....when in the world are you spending time with your child???
It just doesn't seem possible. Your child must be spending a lot more time with teachers and babysitters. I mean there aren't enough hours in the day.

Leave her alone. I bet she's not doing a 2 hour commute because it's more fulfilling. I'm sure she's doing it because she has to. Not everyone has a full plate of choices. Some people do things like this because it puts food on the table.

 

[palavra]

I am extremely proud, where did I say I wasnt. I still dont think it is anyone's business what I or the working mom does all day with her time.

Based on the people I see in carline, many people around here have grandparents that help out. This also occurs for dropoff at sports. Most sports around here start at 5:30ish. So you see GPs and babysitters dropping off and parents picking up. A good friend of mine works full time at a university. She hired someone specifically to drive her kids to their activities afterschool and kept the one in daycare.

I guess I dont see why this if offensive. You are either getting help or hiring help to do stuff for your family/children. Some of us chose not to do that and do it ourselves. Our school has aftercare, homework is done there and help is offered. So those parents are not helping with the math problem, the aftercare worker is. In my house I am the one helping with the math problem after school. ( except with some of this Common Core stuff, but that is another thread) ) Or like my friend who hired the driver, she delegated that resposibility for her children to someone else, in my house that all falls on me. You are the parent, you are the decision maker, but in many instances you ARE delegating childcare things to others whether it is family or hired services.

Many wohm do so of necessity and not by choice. I have been both a sahm and am now a wohm. To me it is far more stressful to be a wohm. Fwiw I cannot afford extra help,and I do not have family near. I am the one who cleans, grocery shops, helps with homework and cooks dinner. And I work a full time job. I would love to have time to myself during the work days.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Hang on, you have a 10 HOUR workday with a 2 HOUR commute and when you get home you still do the cooking, cleaning , laundry etc.
And spend time with your child?
Assuming your child is in school (or daycare) for 8 hours a day (possibly 10-12 hours a day if you are not home yet) and sleeps for 8-10 hours a night....when in the world are you spending time with your child???
It just doesn't seem possible. Your child must be spending a lot more time with teachers and babysitters. I mean there aren't enough hours in the day.

BTDT, sleep is the first thing you give up.

Admittedly, I didn't do laundry - I've been banished from that task. Do cut grass though And yeah, you spend LESS time with your kids under such circumstances, but you do spend time with them

 

[scoutie]

I don't think anybody can dispute that a SAHM with kids in school has it easier than a WOHM. Every SAHM I know with kids in school fully admits that they enjoy time at home (cooking, cleaning, going to the gym, choosing to volunteer or not volunteer). I don't know why people have to pretend they are busy all the time. Stay home, work.....just own it. My SAHM friends drop the kids off at school, meet for coffee, go to the gym, hang out at home, do some errands, chores, maybe pop into the classroom or an hour or two. It's great! I'm insanely jealous. That's what I'd do if I stayed at home. I would love every minute of it too. SAHMs provide valuable things. WOHMs do too. A few SAHMs are going to help my students with our upcoming debate unit. I'm thrilled!

I SAH in the summer with my kids and fully admit to lounging around on the couch, drinking tea at leisure and playing on the internet when we're not doing things or when they are busy with friends. "Busy" isn't always "better".

Leave her alone. I bet she's not doing a 2 hour commute because it's more fulfilling. I'm sure she's doing it because she has to. Not everyone has a full plate of choices. Some people do things like this because it puts food on the table.

No kidding. Maybe the dad is the go to parent. Not sure why the mother always has to be the one to be available 24/7.

 

[North of Mouse]

OK (and this will be my last post for a while), but do you see that the insults, or put downs, are being slung on both "sides". There have been no less than three posts on this thread complaining about/putting down working moms mooching rides.

Yes, I do, so why was I the one being quoted? I wasn't slinging the insults. I said it's each person's decision, and no one else's business. I don't care what others do - and what I 'do all day' as a SAHM is between dh & me.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

do you see that insults, or put downs, are being slung on both "sides"?

Yes, I do, so why was I the one being quoted? I wasn't slinging the insults. I said it's each person's decision, and no one else's business. I don't care what others do - and what I 'do all day' as a SAHM is between dh & me.

You weren't? I must have misread you.

I just love snarky people that love to mind other people's business, all the while saying how great they are!

What's it matter to you if I just twiddle my thumbs all day??

Some of us may actually enjoy being with our kids and being a homemaker full time. (Not a 'snip' toward those that are working moms that mind their own business)

By the way, (pp) who asked for you to feel sorry, we're happy, didn't ask for, don't need yours or anyone's sympathy. It's a 'personal' choice.

Snark? Really? Where? Because having an opposing point of view or a differing opinion isn't snarky. It's human. Those two posters you criticize have different experiences/opinions from the OP.

Nope! It was a 'put down' pure and simple, and a thinly veiled one.