Sad Parenting Observation

[Jaya]

I could stand here and say my kids would never ignore me, but I sure couldn't say it with a straight face. I can say that when my kids ignored me, there was heck to pay. I can handle pouting, I can handle whining, I can handle the occasional "you're not fair and I hate you", but I will not tolerate being ignored. Ignore me at your risk, kids, at your risk.

 

[MIGrandma]

Many (NOT all!) parents don't "follow through" with their threats and the kids learn they can get away with whatever they're doing and nothing will happen.

When I was a kid you did as you were told. When we were raising our kids we followed through with threats. If we would have been at the beach and our kids wouldn't help load up the car when we were ready to leave the cell phone and basketball (as in the OP's post) would have been immediately confiscated and it would have been a long time before we went back to the beach. Many kids today get away with too much. Both parents work long hours and they don't want to be the "bad guy" and dole out the punishment so they let too much slide (again, not ALL parents, but many).

 

[minnie mum]

Took the words right out of my mouth Grandma. If my kids had pulled that the same thing would have happened. Phone and ball gone the first time they ignored me. Any attitude from them while helping to load the car after that would have been dealt with promptly as well.

 

[bethy]

I agree with the PP that said the parent and kid bashing around here gets old.

There are seriously swear words on the tip of my tongue right now which is unlike me. I must need a break from the Disboards.

Walk a mile in my shoes , every day, year after year after year and we'll see how YOU hold up.

 

[minnie mum]

I think this about nails it!!!!

And, Dad is the one standing aside, holding up the wall and taking up the oxygen in the room while mom has to take the heat.
​

Where on earth did that come from? As far as I could tell from the OP, the father wasn't even there. How about, instead of leaning up against a wall, he was working at his job, providing for his family, because the Mom wanted to stay home to care for her children? Or how about Dad had just come home from work, heard the previously described episode, and laid down the law to the offending offspring? Perhaps your personal experience in your own family has coloured your opinion of men. But I can assure you that not all men are the same. Just as not all mothers are the same.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

None of that matters. It's all just an excuse to dismiss bad behavior.

When an adult tells you do something, you do it. It doesn't matter if the were with their mom, aunt, nanny.... Whoever she may have been she was the adult responsible for them at that time. They shoul have got their butt up and did what they were told to do.

I personally think that raising a child with the message "when an adult tells you to do something, you do it" is dangerous. Not all adults have your child's best interests at heart. I wanted my children (they are adults now) to think for themselves.

It's possible that the mom didn't want to have a scene in public, so she packed the stuff up herself, then took them home and said "Okay, since I had to pack up all the things from the beach, and I'm tired now, you are all in charge of kitchen clean-up (or whatever) now that we are home. Here's your assignments..."

 

[Gumbo4x4]

My Dad always meant business and I knew it. He would tell to do something with his quiet voice and I wouldn't waste time getting it done. My mother could rant and rave and I might hear something she said eventually.

My kids are pretty good, but they often tune my wife out specifically BECAUSE she goes on a long, meaningless rant instead of just getting to the point & then shutting up. I tell the kids calmly to do something & it gets done. But, they know they'd better not make me say it twice.

 

[IndyRnRfan]

Me: "hey yall help carry stuff"
Them: "......"
Me: "did you hear me?"
Them: "....."
Me- I'd take said phone and pitch it as hard as could out into the lake, grab my knife and flatten the ball, throw it in the trash and probably switch a couple of rear-ends while I'm at it.

Lmao, . I know this is exactly what my mom would have done had we been in this situation followed by the famous"wait until your dad gets home and he hears about this" then our backside would have been so sore we wouldn't sit for an hour. When mom or dad spoke and asked something, once was enough and twice was once too many and God forbid you were told a third time.

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

yeah, it's not like I came to the beach for my benefit. So I'm surely not going to do all the lugging back and forth, and I can guarantee that if I ask/tell them to help their is no way they'll just ignore me without reprocusions.

 

[declansdad]

This kind of heat really does fall disproportionately on the mothers. When a dad does it, it tends to be "bless him, he's sure trying. It's nice to see a dad involved with his kids. Where's their mother, anyway? Why isn't she helping with this?"

Wow! Unreal.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Me: "hey yall help carry stuff"
Them: "......"
Me: "did you hear me?"
Them: "....."
Me- I'd take said phone and pitch it as hard as could out into the lake, grab my knife and flatten the ball, throw it in the trash and probably switch a couple of rear-ends while I'm at it.

It only took one time when I was a kid for this kind of consequence. I learned really fast.

With my own, for the most part they were well-behaved (notice, "for the most part" ). I was raising them by myself and couldn't afford to be the "nice one" and dad be the disciplinarian. However, I remember when they were pretty young, and we went camping. My sister-in-law was with us, and I vented to her about them sitting around while I did all the work. She looked at me, and said something about letting them get away with things, or they did that because I allowed it. It was a huge eye-opener. I didn't have to yell at them. It just took following through with the consequences, and that worked... for the most part.

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

Wow! Unreal.

Or you could have kept on reading and gotten to my clarification, but don't let me stop you from huffiness about those crazy manhaters:

I made very sure that I did not bash active fathers in my statement, because yes, there are lot of good, involved parents everywhere. If we're tossing around anecdata like it's scientific or sociological proof: I'm married to one, too. But that doesn't negate the fact that if one of our kids acts up in public with him, the outside observer's reaction to how he deals with it is usually going to be markedly different than that same observer's reaction to how I would deal with it. That's all I meant.

 

[declansdad]

Or you could have kept on reading and gotten to my clarification, but don't let me stop you from huffiness about those crazy manhaters:

You original post made no distinction between the type of dads. That came in your clarification.

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

Okay.

 

[Sabeking]

Regardless of circumstances not their finest moment.

 

[Minniesgal]

I personally think that raising a child with the message "when an adult tells you to do something, you do it" is dangerous. Not all adults have your child's best interests at heart. I wanted my children (they are adults now) to think for themselves.

It's possible that the mom didn't want to have a scene in public, so she packed the stuff up herself, then took them home and said "Okay, since I had to pack up all the things from the beach, and I'm tired now, you are all in charge of kitchen clean-up (or whatever) now that we are home. Here's your assignments..."

i agree with this. We raise our kids to do as they were told by us parents only but to also use judgement. We had to my mother in law is a price PITA who thought it was funny to teach my daughter left and right the wrong way around so she could laugh at her and liked to give the kids instructions that deliberately broke our rules. So we taught our kids the only adults who we expect you to do as they say are your mum and your dad. The rest use your judgement and if unsure ask mum or dad.

 

[superme80]

Sounds like something my boys would do. And yes I would have done what the mother did. And then once the car door was shut, the phone would be mine for the week, and the ball would be gone as well. Sometimes it isn't worth making a scene. She was probably aware she had an audience and more than likely disciplined in private.

 

[ronandannette]

This kind of heat really does fall disproportionately on the mothers. When a dad does it, it tends to be "bless him, he's sure trying. It's nice to see a dad involved with his kids. Where's their mother, anyway? Why isn't she helping with this?"

I made very sure that I did not bash active fathers in my statement, because yes, there are lot of good, involved parents everywhere. If we're tossing around anecdata like it's scientific or sociological proof: I'm married to one, too. But that doesn't negate the fact that if one of our kids acts up in public with him, the outside observer's reaction to how he deals with it is usually going to be markedly different than that same observer's reaction to how I would deal with it. That's all I meant.

Or you could have kept on reading and gotten to my clarification, but don't let me stop you from huffiness about those crazy manhaters:

Your clarification actually seems like a greater flight of fancy than your first comments. How on earth do you propose to know what "outside observers" reactions are? It's nonsense.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

Your clarification actually seems like a greater flight of fancy than your first comments. How on earth do you propose to know what "outside observers" reactions are? It's nonsense.

It sounds like the PP was making that statement based on what people have said so yeah, you kind of know what an outside observer's reactions are.

I also happen to think it's accurate. I think the PP was speaking big picture. It says nothing about the microcosm that is an individual household or individual fathers. There are very good fathers and there are fathers that aren't involved.

On the macro/society level mothers and fathers are absolutely viewed differently with mothers being the expected child raisers. It's not at all uncommon for people to refer to a dad who is watching kids without mom as "babysitting." This notion implies that society doesn't view fathers as having the same or equal duties to children that mothers do.

There are many anecdotal and research articles on this subject.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I ask my kids to do something once. If they don't do it, then I TELL them to. If they still don't do it... Well then that's their problem.

If my son didn't put his phone down it would be mine for the day, maybe longer if he was a jerk about it.
And the basketball? Gone also.