S/O: Divorce... how to cut down?

[Starport Seven-Five]

Frankly I'm surprised it's not higher. Few of us have the same friends for 10+ years due to changes in interests, financial situation, hobbies, etc and you spend more time with your spouse than you do your friends.

The fact that 50% of the country can even tolerate the same person as their spouse after 10 years seems like a miracle.

<- Married for 8 years, together for 13.

 

[Southernmiss]

I remember hearing that married couples have many marriages in their one marriage.

Meaning those married for a while weather a lot of life situations that change each of us individually and the marriage as a whole.

That makes a lot of sense to me. Marriage can be work! The stress and strain can be a lot to people and some can not put up with it and should not put up with it, especially
harmful behavior or infidelity.

Been married for 34 years. And some days are easier than others, but I'm happy with what we have.

 

[Dug720]

The only way to cut down on divorce is to remove the power of choice.

Women have choices now. We don’t have to stay in horrible marriages anymore.

I know too many elders who stayed married because the woman had no money, no bank account, no credit, her religion was against it, she would lose her family and/or kids over it etc. so they stayed married.

100% this.

 

[georgina]

Really? That's the only way? I disagree with that. I've heard somewhere you should date someone for at least a year before marriage. This way you've gone through all of the birthdays, holidays, vacations, and other stressful times before committing to a "life time" arrangement.

Some people choose to live together before marriage. You find out what kind of person you're "attaching to".

I think those things could help also.

Perhaps, but you can't legally mandate that.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Really? That's the only way? I disagree with that. I've heard somewhere you should date someone for at least a year before marriage. This way you've gone through all of the birthdays, holidays, vacations, and other stressful times before committing to a "life time" arrangement.

Some people choose to live together before marriage. You find out what kind of person you're "attaching to".

I think those things could help also.

Don’t most people live together before marriage now? Even with religion involved, I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where they didn’t live together beforehand. (Except for 2 weddings in my very religious part of the family and I’ve heard rumors swirl that both have wanted to get divorced but can’t bc of their religion - one for adultery and one for alcoholism)

I also don’t know anyone off the top of my head that got married before dating for 2+ years at first.

And even with all that people divorce. They’d only stay together if they didn’t have any other choice.

 

[nancipants]

Really? That's the only way? I disagree with that. I've heard somewhere you should date someone for at least a year before marriage. This way you've gone through all of the birthdays, holidays, vacations, and other stressful times before committing to a "life time" arrangement.

Some people choose to live together before marriage. You find out what kind of person you're "attaching to".

I think those things could help also.

I dated my first husband for over a year before getting engaged, and our wedding was nine months later. We still got divorced because he changed his mind about children, and after that I couldn’t compromise and decided to leave. I am lucky that I live in a state with no fault divorce and it was done quickly, because i cannot IMAGINE being legally required to try to make the marriage work. It took me many months to make the decision, but once I decided I was done, I was done.

 

[sam_gordon]

Perhaps, but you can't legally mandate that.

Well, you could legally mandate a "waiting period" between applying for a marriage license and it being granted.

And even if we're not talking "legally", what could be done to "encourage" people to not enter into a marriage until they're truly "ready". The answer is probably nothing, but I thought it could be a good discussion.

 

[MillauFr]

For the group here... Just make sure the person you are marrying is a Disney fan.

 

[barkley]

I would say faith based marriages probably end less likely in divorce according to Google.

that's why a good number of young people I hung out with back in the 80's did'nt do a church based marriage in their chosen faith-they ran off to Reno and did a quickie ceremony b/c it was not recognized BY their particular faith. they were known as 'practice marriages' and did not carry the stigma of sleeping with someone prior to 'marriage' and also did not come with the religious very anti divorce stance. I sincerely doubt many of their children are aware that mom and dad may had been entirely legally married and divorced to others prior to the marriage that they know of from the prominently displayed wedding photos in their homes (I don't know how common it is now within that faith-VERY common back then).

Some people choose to live together before marriage. You find out what kind of person you're "attaching to".

I think if it had been more acceptable back when I was younger the divorce rate among my peers would have been FAR less. at my 10 year reunion in '89 it was SHOCKING how many people were on their 2nd or 3rd marriage. many married right out of high school and figured out quickly they were not well suited. had it been more socially acceptable to live together they likely never would have married in the first place.





I don't have any issue with divorce so the numbers being higher or lower make no matter to me BUT I have always wondered why the process of becoming married does not entail some form of legal disclosure within individual U.S. states about the legal obligations one is entering into when becoming married. there are so many laws pertaining to marriage that it boggles my mind that someone would enter into a 'contract' of that nature without being fully informed (people spend more time reviewing a 6 month gym membership contract vs. what can be a lifetime of obligations even after divorce with the act of applying for a marriage license).

 

[PollyannaMom]

I think a lot of divorces come about because of simple exhaustion. People are just too busy and too tired to put in the time and energy that maintaining a marriage takes.

It's part of the whole "you can't pour from an empty cup" thing - people want to feel sort of taken care of by their spouse (in whatever way that looks/works for that particular couple) and right now, many people don't.

I think more marriages would last if more people had less demanding lives - more time, more sleep, more of the things that make them happy. - So I say help the individuals and you'll improve the statistics.

 

[Smugpugmug]

I know of at least two people who were members of a religion that penalized divorce. One had to prove the her ex-husband had died after their divorce so she could be a "widow" when marrying her husband. Otherwise, she would have had to ask him for an annulment to remarry in the church. The other refused to give her husband a divorce because she thought that marriage was forever ... until she met her current husband. Then that divorce was done tootsuite! Both women are very, very happy with their new spouses.

I'm trying not to get too deep in the religious weeds in the OG Community Board, but I do think that religious rules and mores about premarital sex and children out of wedlock sometimes force two people to marry when they should not have.

My mom was forced to leave her church when she divorced my dad. They didn't allow divorce for any reason. It's the main reason why she isn't religious at all now (also not going beyond that in this version of the CB).

 

[TippyThomas]

This is probably an unusual situation but I think there are people, I include myself in this, that just won't be good partners. I think they know that deep down inside, but want the dream and fantasy of marriage and the togetherness. If you know going in that you're probably won't make a good partner to another, I think the chances are pretty high that it will end badly. I'd love to have the companionship of marriage, but I know I'm just not a good candidate for it all around so I just don't pursue it.

 

[kdonnel]

I would say faith based marriages probably end less likely in divorce according to Google.

That could be because of the horrible advice given by the Church to remain in abusive marriages?

My aunt was in a physically abusive marriage and the priest advised her to remain in the marriage.

Thankfully she placed her childrens and her own physical safety and mental health above the requirements placed on her by her faith and left her husband.

When she needed her church the most, they let her down. She was told she was a failure and not allowed back in the church. This was in the 80's.

 

[_19disnA]

Only searched for a short time, but found this study posted on the govt census site so more inclined to believe it is factual data and not someone's random opinion or selectively choosing data/age ranges to support an opinion the author had. Stats show around 1/3 of adults get divorced.

No idea whose 'role' in society it should be to change this. Some religions impose a lot of 'rules' on people that seem more likely to drive them away vs solving any actual problems.

 

[sam_gordon]

Only searched for a short time, but found this study posted on the govt census site so more inclined to believe it is factual data and not someone's random opinion or selectively choosing data/age ranges to support an opinion the author had. Stats show around 1/3 of adults get divorced.

No idea whose 'role' in society it should be to change this. Some religions impose a lot of 'rules' on people that seem more likely to drive them away vs solving any actual problems.

View attachment 924918

Of course, that doesn't include someone having multiple divorces.

 

[Buzz Rules]

That could be because of the horrible advice given by the Church to remain in abusive marriages?

My aunt was in a physically abusive marriage and the priest advised her to remain in the marriage.

Thankfully she placed her childrens and her own physical safety and mental health above the requirements placed on her by her faith and left her husband.

When she needed her church the most, they let her down. She was told she was a failure and not allowed back in the church. This was in the 80's.

Catholic?

 

[Skywalker3]

No, absolutely no restrictions, waiting periods, mandatory counseling, or anything like that should be imposed for people seeking divorce.
That said, I will probably always regret not trying counseling, before I got divorced in my 20s. I wish I had really considered what long term marriage meant, and not just what it felt like in the here and now. We married too young. All that said, I don't think any government entity, or social entity/religion should impede anyone who wants a divorce, and nothing should be put in the way of making it harder to get one.
Was married almost 9 years to my first husband, now on second marriage, going on 25 years.

 

[tvguy]

Nobody should be forced to stay in an abusive marriage. Can we legislate a lower divorce rate? Not likely. We can't even get people to live within their financial means, or wash their hands during a pandemic.

 

[Allison]

From personal stories I've heard, staying together for the kids is never the right option. Living with two parents who should be divorced is nearly always worse than split custody. As long as people keep having kids with the wrong partner, divorces will be the least bad solution.

You are correct.

 

[Allison]

I'm torn. I don't want people to stay in bad marriages, but at the same time, I do think it's better (especially if there are kids) for couples to stay together.

It isn't better.